Hilaria Baldwin Soaks in the After Birth

By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 11:52 AM


Hilaria Baldwin posted a photo of herself in bra and panties moments after dropping Alec Baldwin’s second half-Spanish half-bourbon baby onto the organic flax woven doula mat. I’ve seen addicted moms dig for the booze or recreational drugs not long after pushing the placenta out. They’ve been jonesing so hard. For Baldwin, it’s been a week since was able to post half naked photos of her fecund body. That’s a lifetime for a social media narcissist. It’s unclear what Alec thinks of all this other than he’s fucking a yoga instructor half his age and and that prevents you from caring much about the rest. One more baby and she’ll be ready to downward facing dog a pillow over his face while he slumbers. With hindsight, they’ll both agree it’s for the best.

Photo credit: Instagram

Hilaria Baldwin Still Pregnant

By Matt June 04, 2015 @ 7:48 AM


Hilaria Baldwin will finally give birth in July and spare us the endless selfies of her third trimester. No word on whether she will be broadcasting the delivery live via NASA’s feed or if we’ll be treated to any photos of her stitched up perineum. Women will be the first to tell you how amazing this is. I once busted a nut that travelled twelve yards but you don’t hear me bragging about it. If this is so amazing then why is the population skyrocketing? Clearly a lot of people know how to do this. Even in the farthest reaches of Sub Saharan Africa where many are forced to walk up to seven miles to upload touching personal photos visible to the entire world. Squeeze it out already. I can’t wait to hear how you’re getting back in shape. More smoothie photos please. Fuck the Internet and pregnant yoga instructors pretending to be Spanish.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Hilaria Baldwin Bonafide Woman

By Matt May 11, 2015 @ 7:25 AM


Hilaria Baldwin took some time off from talking about herself to talk about herself and her fucking baby whom she is raising to be a faith healing rapist. Baldwin posted a throwback photo of herself being pregnant in case you forgot that that and pretending to be Spanish are the only thing on her trophy wife resume. If child birth is such a miracle why are there six billion people on earth? Wait, what? Seven billion? I’d say Big Macs are slightly more divine. Jizz never gets any credit. Without sounding curmudgeonly, pregnancy is a beautiful thing. Just not as pretty as arching ropes of semen landing on your taught little belly. Plus there’s someone else’s kid in there. Dudes are supposed to want to fuck you to spread their seed. This one’s marked Reserved. Sure you need a few commas in your bank account but don’t ruin the illusion. Throw in a few photos of your dilated catcher’s mitt to free the dolphins. I don’t know how to repay you. I guess I’ll hit ignore.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Hilaria Baldwin Unclear Motivation

By Matt April 13, 2015 @ 6:05 AM


Alec Baldwin’s weird attention seeking dubiously employed fake Spanish wife posted a photo of herself in lingerie with a baby inside her. I can’t tell if I’m supposed to masturbate or salute her for letting an angry old man squirt inside her. More than likely Baldwin will receive undying praise from a gaggle of Instagram yentas dying to tell her how beautiful this is. Aren’t these the same chicks who drive dog hair encrusted Subaru Outbacks and dine on vegan banh mi while pumping Joni Mitchell’s rock opera about Morgellons? Maybe their tastes are off. Basically anything less than sexy and you’ve got a thumbs up. Men are pigs. Why give them the satisfaction of your non distended abdomen? This is nature. So is shitting out beet juice but I’ll pass on the photos.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Hilaria Baldwin Is Game For Something

By Matt December 31, 2014 @ 7:08 AM


Alec Baldwin’s pretend Spanish daughter wife is kooky. So much so she posts photos of herself doing yoga around the house. She’s not aloof enough not to know exactly what we’re all thinking. Your bikini is mismatched. Let me fix it for you. Such would make her stupid. I refuse to believe Baldwin is porking a retard. More than likely she’s a massive cock tease. Works out well when your husband used up all his fucks before forty and now he mostly likes to drink and watch. Sometimes you have to entertain yourself. That’s why I’d assume she turned on the faucet after this photo op. We all know what’s going on.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Hilaria Baldwin Slowly Killing Alec Baldwin

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 9:45 AM

Hilaria Baldwin Does A Yoga Pose With A Banana In A Pumpkin Patch
The idea of hooking up with a yoga instructor half your age seems like a great idea until you come to in a pumpkin patch with an a toddler and a frisky bitch insisting you yoga pose her with a banana in her mouth. It’s not that older drunken sods don’t need their whistle wetted. It’s that they don’t need this shit. The shit you put up with when you’re a young and willing to act like a guy in a romantic comedy montage because you know it ends with sex in your dirty apartment bathtub. You get to a certain age when you just want a couple or four gin and gins and the chance to go scream obscenities in the street. You don’t need a baby. You need your custom European street bike and a cop to berate in the park. You can have Belinda from TopEscorts.com stop by on Tuesdays and Thursday to handle the finer points.

I most recently saw this same what the fuck am I doing look on the face of James Gandolfini with his new young wife and baby. I give Alec six months to live. Oh, how this yoga instructor is going to ball her eyes out up to and through the reading of the will. He was such a good man.

Photo Credit: Instagram