Hilaria Baldwin Bonafide Woman

By Matt May 11, 2015 @ 7:25 AM

HB

Hilaria Baldwin took some time off from talking about herself to talk about herself and her fucking baby whom she is raising to be a faith healing rapist. Baldwin posted a throwback photo of herself being pregnant in case you forgot that that and pretending to be Spanish are the only thing on her trophy wife resume. If child birth is such a miracle why are there six billion people on earth? Wait, what? Seven billion? I’d say Big Macs are slightly more divine. Jizz never gets any credit. Without sounding curmudgeonly, pregnancy is a beautiful thing. Just not as pretty as arching ropes of semen landing on your taught little belly. Plus there’s someone else’s kid in there. Dudes are supposed to want to fuck you to spread their seed. This one’s marked Reserved. Sure you need a few commas in your bank account but don’t ruin the illusion. Throw in a few photos of your dilated catcher’s mitt to free the dolphins. I don’t know how to repay you. I guess I’ll hit ignore.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Hilaria Baldwin Unclear Motivation

By Matt April 13, 2015 @ 6:05 AM

Bald

Alec Baldwin’s weird attention seeking dubiously employed fake Spanish wife posted a photo of herself in lingerie with a baby inside her. I can’t tell if I’m supposed to masturbate or salute her for letting an angry old man squirt inside her. More than likely Baldwin will receive undying praise from a gaggle of Instagram yentas dying to tell her how beautiful this is. Aren’t these the same chicks who drive dog hair encrusted Subaru Outbacks and dine on vegan banh mi while pumping Joni Mitchell’s rock opera about Morgellons? Maybe their tastes are off. Basically anything less than sexy and you’ve got a thumbs up. Men are pigs. Why give them the satisfaction of your non distended abdomen? This is nature. So is shitting out beet juice but I’ll pass on the photos.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Hilaria Baldwin Is Game For Something

By Matt December 31, 2014 @ 7:08 AM

Bald

Alec Baldwin’s pretend Spanish daughter wife is kooky. So much so she posts photos of herself doing yoga around the house. She’s not aloof enough not to know exactly what we’re all thinking. Your bikini is mismatched. Let me fix it for you. Such would make her stupid. I refuse to believe Baldwin is porking a retard. More than likely she’s a massive cock tease. Works out well when your husband used up all his fucks before forty and now he mostly likes to drink and watch. Sometimes you have to entertain yourself. That’s why I’d assume she turned on the faucet after this photo op. We all know what’s going on.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Hilaria Baldwin Slowly Killing Alec Baldwin

By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 9:45 AM

Hilaria Baldwin Does A Yoga Pose With A Banana In A Pumpkin Patch
The idea of hooking up with a yoga instructor half your age seems like a great idea until you come to in a pumpkin patch with an a toddler and a frisky bitch insisting you yoga pose her with a banana in her mouth. It’s not that older drunken sods don’t need their whistle wetted. It’s that they don’t need this shit. The shit you put up with when you’re a young and willing to act like a guy in a romantic comedy montage because you know it ends with sex in your dirty apartment bathtub. You get to a certain age when you just want a couple or four gin and gins and the chance to go scream obscenities in the street. You don’t need a baby. You need your custom European street bike and a cop to berate in the park. You can have Belinda from TopEscorts.com stop by on Tuesdays and Thursday to handle the finer points.

I most recently saw this same what the fuck am I doing look on the face of James Gandolfini with his new young wife and baby. I give Alec six months to live. Oh, how this yoga instructor is going to ball her eyes out up to and through the reading of the will. He was such a good man.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Hilaria Baldwin Has Tender Skills

By Lex March 21, 2014 @ 2:54 PM

Hilaria Baldwin In Yoga Poses
I wish I had a granddad who told me raunchy shit like ‘if you find a woman who can pin her legs behind ears, marry her’. Then maybe he’d give me five bucks to go get a nudie magazine and a pack of smokes to get my lungs tough from an early age. I didn’t get that granddad. I got Satan’s mortal combatant on earth. Far less fun that drunken dirty pappy. Now I’m left to wonder if all those untold locker room adages are true. Alec Baldwin still seems like a pretty angry racist homophobe with delusions of self-importance. I’m not sure banging his wife in all the various tiny Chinese girl gymnast positions she can assume has caused the bitterness to come pouring out in his self-righteous ejaculate. Maybe my imaginary granddad was wrong this whole time and finding a rigid wife who leaves her tampon boxes out where you can see them so you’ll know to leave her alone is the key to happiness. I don’t actually know. Though if pressed to choose, I’d still opt for the yoga teacher who can make her snatch present at every angle on the protractor.

Photo Credit: Hilaria Baldwin/Instagram

Alec Baldwin Apologized To His Gay Friends

By Travis July 01, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

After last week’s latest Twitter meltdown by Alec Baldwin, in which he called Daily Mail reporter George Stark a “toxic little queen” and threatened to shove his foot up his ass, it was only a matter of time before people started comparing the actor to Paula Deen. Baldwin went after Stark for writing that his wife, Hilaria Baldwin, had been texting at James Gandolfini’s funeral, which they naturally denied, but Baldwin’s critics wanted to know how his behavior was any different than Deen calling a bank robber the N-word and hosting a plantation-themed wedding, complete with black servers dressed as slaves.

Regardless, Baldwin apologized, citing his own efforts to end homophobia, and GLAAD has accepted his apology. Still, I think the only solution here is that Baldwin never touches Twitter again and his wife should have to pose nude. You know, once she’s all back to normal. (Or not, there’s a market for that, too.)

(Photo Credit: Getty)