By Lex October 21, 2014 @ 9:45 AM
The idea of hooking up with a yoga instructor half your age seems like a great idea until you come to in a pumpkin patch with an a toddler and a frisky bitch insisting you yoga pose her with a banana in her mouth. It’s not that older drunken sods don’t need their whistle wetted. It’s that they don’t need this shit. The shit you put up with when you’re a young and willing to act like a guy in a romantic comedy montage because you know it ends with sex in your dirty apartment bathtub. You get to a certain age when you just want a couple or four gin and gins and the chance to go scream obscenities in the street. You don’t need a baby. You need your custom European street bike and a cop to berate in the park. You can have Belinda from TopEscorts.com stop by on Tuesdays and Thursday to handle the finer points.
I most recently saw this same what the fuck am I doing look on the face of James Gandolfini with his new young wife and baby. I give Alec six months to live. Oh, how this yoga instructor is going to ball her eyes out up to and through the reading of the will. He was such a good man.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex March 21, 2014 @ 2:54 PM
I wish I had a granddad who told me raunchy shit like ‘if you find a woman who can pin her legs behind ears, marry her’. Then maybe he’d give me five bucks to go get a nudie magazine and a pack of smokes to get my lungs tough from an early age. I didn’t get that granddad. I got Satan’s mortal combatant on earth. Far less fun that drunken dirty pappy. Now I’m left to wonder if all those untold locker room adages are true. Alec Baldwin still seems like a pretty angry racist homophobe with delusions of self-importance. I’m not sure banging his wife in all the various tiny Chinese girl gymnast positions she can assume has caused the bitterness to come pouring out in his self-righteous ejaculate. Maybe my imaginary granddad was wrong this whole time and finding a rigid wife who leaves her tampon boxes out where you can see them so you’ll know to leave her alone is the key to happiness. I don’t actually know. Though if pressed to choose, I’d still opt for the yoga teacher who can make her snatch present at every angle on the protractor.
Photo Credit: Hilaria Baldwin/Instagram
By Travis July 01, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
After last week’s latest Twitter meltdown by Alec Baldwin, in which he called Daily Mail reporter George Stark a “toxic little queen” and threatened to shove his foot up his ass, it was only a matter of time before people started comparing the actor to Paula Deen. Baldwin went after Stark for writing that his wife, Hilaria Baldwin, had been texting at James Gandolfini’s funeral, which they naturally denied, but Baldwin’s critics wanted to know how his behavior was any different than Deen calling a bank robber the N-word and hosting a plantation-themed wedding, complete with black servers dressed as slaves.
Regardless, Baldwin apologized, citing his own efforts to end homophobia, and GLAAD has accepted his apology. Still, I think the only solution here is that Baldwin never touches Twitter again and his wife should have to pose nude. You know, once she’s all back to normal. (Or not, there’s a market for that, too.)
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By Travis June 28, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Alec Baldwin already quit Twitter once before because he was pissed off about something, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that he quit Twitter again in another hilariously pissy rage. Except this time, it was his “Alec Baldwin Foundation” profile that was deleted, because nothing says, “Hey, we’re good people doing good things” like threatening to shove your foot up a Daily Mail reporter’s ass and calling him a “toxic little queen”.
The latest freakout occurred after the Daily Mail accused Alec’s pregnant 32-year old wife, Hilaria Baldwin, of Tweeting during James Gandolfini’s funeral yesterday. Alec denied it, obviously, and he’s probably telling the truth because celebrities pay people to run their Twitter accounts now – except for Alec, of course – but that’s no fun when it’s easier to simply blindly pass judgment on people.
(Photo Credit: Getty Images)
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