By Lex February 05, 2016 @ 7:23 AM
Hilary Duff just finalized her divorce from that dude who used to play hockey. She was never able to accept his drinking or or strip club visits or the way he spoke or the fact that he felt breakfast was an important meal or that he played hockey or didn’t like The Wire or breathed or had a penis. She tried to reconcile with him last year because they have a little kid but she quit when she caught him flirting with a waitress. Motherfucker. Not everybody is cut out to be married. The ceremony remains optional. Quit making broken home white offspring when there’s rows and rows of black babies in the Duty Free at Senou International just waiting to be purchased. Nice nipples. Lucky kid.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex January 22, 2016 @ 9:18 AM
Since her divorce, Hilary Duff has joined Tinder, lost twenty pounds and her bra. You can’t go outside these days without seeing her tits. All the women’s magazines are breathlessly covering her changing hair color just to avoid the topic of her tits for half a second. Everyone’s collectively embarrassed by how hard she’s cruising for a new daddy for her baby. I can smell your perfume through the picture. What’s in the bag? Just kidding. I already know it’s even more tits. Somebody marry Lizzie McGuire again so she can eat. Of course the blow jobs are only for the engagement. Stop asking stupid questions.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex December 31, 2015 @ 9:43 AM
Three years after becoming a mom, Hilary Duff is still griping about how celebrities are treated after the birth of their only child. All you want to do is spend a couple hours on Twitter while your Peruvian nanny has your infant for the winter and there are complete strangers critiquing your figure. Imagine the horror. First imagine the sound of pressed juice stopping cold in a straw.
Duff fails to mention her public relations team feeding pregnancy photos to the magazines throughout gestation, the inevitable co-promoted People spread on new baby, and the women’s health magazine feature photoshoot and cover story about getting back in bikini shape before the mall tour and divorce. It’s the game. LeBron doesn’t complain about being fouled. Wait. I was the guy who wrote how your bigger mom tits looked super fuckable. Life is too short to be negative. Can I get a retweet?
Photo Credit: Redbook
By Lex November 16, 2015 @ 7:00 AM
Hilary Duff explained to a panel of people that make an effort to hear Hilary Duff speak that she’s exhausted from being a ‘slashie’. There are a million potential definitions for that completely made up word, Duff’s was the least interesting. She’s an actress / musician. It’s exhausting hopping between the two worlds even if they’re basically the same thing and she’s shown no remarkable skill at either. Not to mention both are entirely optional and come with limos. Quick, name your favorite Hilary Duff film? That’s a trick question. She’s never been naked on camera. Where should the nanny send the adorable photos from today? Nice boots, Slashie.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex April 01, 2015 @ 11:35 AM
There are five stages of grief. Just three stages of being free of your former husband. Sadness. Hair dip. Tits. Hilary Duff kind of went through that fast. Your girlfriends are for cheering you up with white wine and the support only women who were crazy fucking jealous of you and your husband can provide. Your tits are for finding a new daddy for your baby. There’s plenty of time for bras after you’re hitched again. 27 and only been married once. Hollywood does not approve.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex March 19, 2015 @ 11:13 AM
This is 2015. Women don’t need a man. But maybe you ought to think about keeping yours. Hilary Duff dumped her retired NHL husband because he wasn’t perfect, then took him back, then filed for divorce because he went out and partied all night with his buddies. Then she dyed her hair blue and started doing baby mermaid talk on Instagram. Map that progress, it’s not an up arrow.
There’s nothing wrong with divorce, though maybe you want to think about how many you’re up for before the age of thirty. The real problem is marriage. There’s certain people who should never get married. Like people with better options of any kind. Throughout human history, marriage was a business arrangement. Then, for a brief time period, it was about the indescribable feeling of love. Statistically, that fared pretty rotten. Now it’s merely a game of who will back down first. Here’s an idea, the next time somebody says let’s get married, you say, nah. The sex will get less frequent but you’ll be thankful you never had to dye your hair blue and pretend you weren’t miserable.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Instagram