You Can Now Buy The Playboy Mansion And Shit Around The Web

By Michael January 11, 2016 @ 12:00 PM


The Playboy Mansion is for sale for only 200 million dollars. The catch is that Hugh Hefner gets to still live there until he dies. If I wanted a crusty old pervert hanging around my house I’d have my uncle Raul move in. He’s a pain in the ass, but straight.

Not enough chlorine could clean that pool. (TMZ)

Tila Tequila is talking about giant reptiles ruling the Earth again. (Last Men On Earth)

Jemma Lucy goes swimming topless in Miami. (Egtotastic All-Stars)

Nicky Whelan is so fucking hot, y’all. (Drunken Stepfather)

Who doesn’t like sexy selfies? (The Chive)

Kirsten Dunst’s Golden Globes dress was titacular. (Hollywood Tuna)

Julianne Hough is all curves in Cosmo. (Popoholic)

Hugh Hefner’s Son Disses Holly Madison

By Matt June 29, 2015 @ 6:06 AM


Hugh Hefner’s ex fake girlfriend and reality show whore Holly Madison wrote a superbly uninteresting tell all book about life in the Playboy Mansion and is now spilling the mundane beans to any shitty tabloid who will listen. Some of her major revelations are that Hefner once offered her drugs and that he is sometimes irritable. She didn’t mention being paid $1,000 a week plus free room and board on top of promotional appearance fees to pretend she was listening to him tell the same story about hanging with Dean Martin for the thirtieth time.

Americans understand Hugh Hefner is a pathetic dork so insecure in his sexuality he has to hire runaways to pretend they fuck him. We wrote him off a long time ago and have an app to screen potential dates for any trace of desperation that would lead them to live in his musty curtained herpes lair. Given Hefner is responsible for the minuscule amount of notoriety Madison has, many feel it uncouth to write a book attempting to slam him. Included is Hef’s son, Cooper Hefner, who as a young child drilled many holes in the drywall of his father’s house and watched him slap the headboard with a rolling pin while demanding the girls moan loudly:

“How does a person who is famous for being a gold digger paint themselves as a victim of a relationship they aggressively sought out for? Holly Madison, V. Stiviano, and a few other lovely ladies that lived in LA make a Justice League type group of wonderfully shitty people.”

They form like Voltron and your dad is the head. He probably wouldn’t be surrounded by so many shitty people if he wasn’t the grand marshal of their parade. Cooper makes some good points. Now back to the board room to stave off Playboy’s bankruptcy for another six months. We have Evil Angel now. Classy broads. I’ll give Madison a year.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Hugh And Crystal Hefner Are Pretty Fucking Creepy

By Lex October 29, 2013 @ 4:31 PM

Hugh And Crystal Hefner Dress Like Miley Cyrus And Robin Thicke For The Halloween Party At The Playboy Mansion
Somebody pulled the old man from his sarcophagus and dressed him up like Robin Thicke so that his young bride would finally look like she had a purpose for being bent over in a tight dress. The two of them together looked like a wax exhibit at the Boner Kill Museum. More out of a Rob Zombie movie than Playboy. This is just giving me the fucking willies. And not like the ones I had when I saw Miley and Robin Thicke at the VMAs. That was like watching a train wreck disturbing. This is more like accidentally seeing your grandmother in the tub creepy. I may never enjoy sex again.

Photo Credit: Crystal Hefner/Instagram

The Captain Is Still at the Helm

By Lex September 06, 2013 @ 4:48 PM

Hugh And Crystal Hefner Ride Mobility Scooters Through Disneyland
I guess the good part about getting old is you start to forget shit more easily. Like, your signature magazine business is tanking or what seems like yesterday you were wearing a robe, smoking a pipe, and looking down to see Barbi Benton gobbling your knob. So that Hoveround you’re putting around Disneyland seems like your old Jag and you’re not sure if the young girl whose tits your grabbing is your latest wife or your daughter and you couldn’t care less. Senility can be the happiest place on earth.

Photo Credit: WENN

Lindsays Playboy shoot will suck

By brendon November 08, 2011 @ 4:57 PM


Lindsay Lohan had an idea for the theme of her Playboy photo shoot and, as you probably guessed, it was dumb. She wanted the pictures to look like a “Kate Moss fashion inspired story,” whatever the hell that means. But Hugh Hefner didn’t like the resulting pictures so he made her do a new set with more of a “classic Hollywood Marilyn Monroe feel”.

So not only has she now done two photo shoots that just copy other photo shoots, but she’s now copying the same thing she copied the first time she posed naked. And boring get’s boringer thanks to this

This weekend, Lohan was accompanied by lawyers, agents and publicists who, sources said, “gave their two cents about what was considered ‘nude’ and what was not.” Sources said Lohan ended up delivering the Monroe-inspired images Hefner wanted. She’s expected to appear nude, but “strategically covered up” in certain shots.

I suppose it’s too much to hope that they’re talking about her face.

Crystal Harris is a complete bitch

By brendon June 15, 2011 @ 4:55 PM


It’s hardly surprising that a 25-year-old model had ulterior motives when she got engaged to an 85-year-old media baron, but what is surprising is how far Crystal Harris was planning to go when it came to using Hugh Hefner (who, as you can tell by what would have been next months cover, had no idea what was coming).

Not only did she call off her engagement the same day that she released the first single off her debut record, and the same day she had a video go up on Funny or Die, and not only was she cheating on Hef with Dr. Phils son, but she was even shopping an interview to take place after she carried out her original break-up plan, which was to leave Hef at the alter.

Crystal Harris secretly planned to ditch the Playboy mogul at the altar in return for a $500,000 media deal, Page Six has learned.
Harris was shopping for a big-bucks deal to tell all after she ditched hapless Hef in front of 300 guests at their wedding at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday, to be filmed for a Lifetime TV special.
A source told us, “Crystal wanted to ditch Hef at the altar. Her plan was to walk up the aisle and say she couldn’t go through with it. The wedding was to be filmed for a reality special, and her refusal to marry him would be a sensation. She was looking for a tie-in deal of around $500,000 for the exclusive ‘I ditched Hef at the altar’ interview. While there was interest, Crystal didn’t get an offer anywhere near half a million.”

Wow. There’s cold and then there’s cold and then there’s this whore. I would try to shoot her but the evil bitch would probably just raise her arms and transform into a column of rats and then scurry away.