Hugh Jackman has a diverse array of talents including getting ripped as fuck at the gym and performing on Broadway. For brevity’s sake, we refer to this as being gay. Jackman also plays Wolverine, a role which exclusively requires him to be jacked as fuck and memorize the SAG minimum of lines required to be considered a featured performer. He also stars in several shitty romantic comedies in which he plays a sensitive guy who is inexplicably courting a woman while wearing khakis and those weird shirts that you can’t tell if they’re dress or casual that child molesters wear to barbecues.
Jackman’s latest accomplishment is becoming a member of The 1,000 Pound Club, an esoteric honor popular in bodybuilding circles in which someone bench presses 235 pounds, squats 335 pounds, and dead lifts 410 pounds. It’s unclear the origins of this club but I’m guessing it was started by some guy who could lift exactly that much weight and nothing more. Either way I salute Jackman. I’m sure his loving wife was there to cheer him on in her wrestling onesie. At some point his muscles must become too big for the closet.
Hugh Jackman and his wife celebrated the nineteenth anniversary of their exceedingly convenient marriage. It’s a known fact anyone not questioning themselves spends their time on Broadway talking a ton of shit and then making up for their behavior with an overpriced dinner and not relishing the opportunity to prance around like Tinker Bell on steroids. Couple that with what is clearly a body dysmorphia and we’re looking at a solid pre-nup. It should be noted Jackman’s wife is also older than him and he’s way too into her for it to be real. If he’d been caught in a hotel room banging the mute coed from SUNY volleyball team the marriage would be more believable. Ponder that, wives, the next time you catch your husband with another girl. At least he’s not borrowing your dresses when you’re gone and calling himself Lisbeth. Jackman also personally designed their wedding rings and probably had a few moments during the process where he wept and fanned himself with a starched cumber bun. You’re trying too hard. Famous handsome dudes who can get unlimited ass don’t last on their starter marriage. At least they have an arrangement and it doesn’t include selfies or hand written poetry.
Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe are headed in two different directions. It shows. Hugh’s got the HGH muscle rip going in his mid 40′s. He’s got that condescending clenched muscle forearm wrapped around Russell Crowe’s fatty tailing career. It this were Spartacus, he’d be driving the sword through Russell’s ruddy flesh, with gallons of blood and angst and margarine spilling everywhere. Consider this the passing of the torch from one silly sounding bearded Oceania action star to another.
I wouldn’t bring that gay rumor up with Wolverine again by the way. Not in person. Not when he’s flexing at the park with his kids. He looks ready to choke out a second grade field trip. Maybe eat a stroller. Lift a jungle gym off its moorings and heave it to trap a lurking perv. Fuck, he’s got to hold the bench press record among Tony Award winners, by whatever he can lift minus 90 lbs.
‘Movie 43’ is actually 25 short films, so it’s not really a movie, or the number 43, but it stars essentially everyone with a SAG card, including Halle Berry, Emma Stone, Anna Faris, Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Chloë Grace Moretz, Gerard Butler as a leprechaun, Stephen Merchant, Kate Bosworth and Elizabeth Banks, and they all do horrible things. Except for Emma Stone sucking off a hobo disguised as a wizard. If Kieran Culkin has a better plan to get magic beans, I’d love to hear it. It’s easy to sit back and criticize after the fact Kieran.
(clip might be nsfw due to a brief clip of tits and naomi watts calling her son a fuckface among other things. your call.)
So that’s what’s happening now, and today Fox released the first official picture. It promises a Wolverine movie that will probably be terrible (again) and make me feel fat and inadequate if I watch it with my girlfriend. Needless to say I can’t wait.
(image source for jackman on the set of ‘the wolverine’ = inf)