Iggy Azalea can’t catch a break. If you discount the fact that she’s become rich and famous with extremely limited skills and the complexion of the antoginist in The Eiger Sanction, it’s been a rough ride. Following cancelation of her fall tour due to music so inexorably shitty even teenagers are disavowing it, Azelea got booted from the Pittsburgh Pride festival because somebody suddenly remembered she used to use the words ‘homo’ and ‘dyke’ in her Twitter feed before she was famous. One time she wrote that guys whispering in each other’s ears is ‘kind of homo’. Yeah, pretty much.
Azalea defended herself with one of those ‘I used to be ignorant of my words’ excuses, but that’s the kind of last ditch defense you save for the LGBT carbon neutral burning at the stake. The smoke is captured, recycled, compressed and woven it into a rather sleek merkin. It’s unclear why the Pride festival invite invited her in the first place since everybody knew about these Tweets years ago, but it certainly serves as a reminder that the LGBT mothership is always watching Also that there are gay people in Pittsburgh.
Nick Young proposed to his real doll girlfriend Iggy Azalea right in time for the NBA Finals in hopes of perhaps scoring a fleeting mention of this during a slow halftime show. Young gave Azalea a ring reportedly worth $500,000 which Azalea awkwardly flaunted on Instagram like a two year old being given her first pony statuette. Young is probably worth around $10 million after taxes so this will end up in a pawn shop although the ring can be returned for store credit once the marriage dissolves or the Twitter mentions die down. Unfortunately inevitable night club heists aren’t covered. Two years from now when Nick Young is riding the pine in China and Azalea is forty pounds overweight sobbing to Oprah about the perils of the recording industry they’ll remember this special moment. Then it’s off to the Mazda dealership for a VIP performance. Refreshments are provided. Which one of you is a Wayans?
Iggy Azalea’s big second half of 2015 concert tour was canceled due to what is being called production delays. According to people who lie without hesitation for a living, Azalea’s complex stage production just couldn’t be put together in time for her upcoming Albino No Likee Light world tour. This could be true if there were an international shortage of black gay male backup dancers with killer abs. Or the world ran out of electricity. Cynics are claiming the tour was shuttered primarily due to poor forecast for ticket sales related to the fact that Azelea’s music is pretty fucking horrible and everybody got tired of pretending. Also, she’s been involved in a number of social media dustups where she posts pictures of her artificially jacked up ass then claims she’s only had her brows done.
It’s tough to figure out. Being a shitty music artist and lying about plastic surgery has never stopped a pop artist in the past from selling out venues. Madonna did forty million Kabbalah bracelets in gross box office this past year. I’d hate to think this was simple prejudice against pale women with man hands. That shit was supposed to stop when Megan Fox made kielbasa sized thumbs sexy again. Where do I go to get my anonymous refund?
If there is an actual race to the bottom for inanely worded computer generated pop songs, it’s time to hand out the award. Pop music for teen girls never required musically gifted performers. But they had to provide vocals. If that last connection to song production is no longer part of the process, then you can literally plug in anybody. Why the freaky looking albino? You’ve just savaged my Britney Spears fap with that Poltergeist possessed dancing mannequin. Somewhere the parents of Bananarama are crying for having wasted money on singing lessons.
Just because I think it’s so common and I knew so many people in my regular life that had done it and had a good experience and I never seen any celebrities talk about it although I know eighty percent of them have done it too and I wanted to kind of tell women that might be thinking about it my experience and that it can not necessarily be a bad thing…That’s why I did it.
Finally, somebody stepping forward to tell women that tit jobs are not necessarily a bad thing. That might be reverse construed as a good thing, but not in any court of law in the Western World. This helps position Azalea as a body image positive woman person thing. Not everybody gets bigger tits out of altruism. Soon we’ll learn that her ass injections are dedicated to the girls kidnapped by Boko Haram. If you can turn a boob job into a social message you’ve got good handlers. Let them pick your next boyfriend and name your bastard albino kids and you’re halfway to icon status.
Iggy Azalea got new boobs four months ago. She probably could’ve said nothing and we’d still just be talking about her fake ass she still won’t admit she gets injected. I’m not sure how her kid fans feel about all of this, but Azalea seems pretty nonplussed.
“At first, Azalea didn’t want to come out publicly about her enhancement, fearing it would send a harmful message to young girls, a majority of her fans. “But then,” she said, “I decided I wasn’t into secret-keeping.”
Other than those about her first husband, the sex tape, her record deal, why she really kind of left Twitter, or that fake ass again. These types of parsed disclosures just provide me greater respect for skilled liars. Those people who tell untruths seamlessly, effortlessly, and without fanfare. My dad lied about everything. He was so good I didn’t realize he was full of shit until I was fifteen. That was fifteen years of believing my model airplane birthday present got lost in the mail, again. I hated the USPS, but I loved my dad. Now, imagine those fifteen years filled with doubt and rage and insecurity. That’s Iggy Azalea casually admitting her tits are fake. If she let me bang her new implants, we could both be made whole again.