By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 10:39 AM
Nobody goes through life without at least one shit heel of an ex. It speaks to our stupidity as a species. Dung beetles know better than to mate because ‘they’re in love’. Humans insist on hooking up with whoever makes our genitals moist and pisses off our parents. That’s why the beetles will be here long after we’re gone. Jackass D-list rap producer Hefe Wine claims he and Iggy Azalea were legally married when she was a teen and he wants half her shit. He’s threatening to tell the whole world she gave him an STD if she doesn’t pay him cash money out of court. I’m not sure Hefe understands how blackmail works, but maybe on the next one.
It’s not within my emotional skill set to feel sorry for albino aborigines who inject rendered baby lamb fat into their ass to look more stereotypically black. That seems disrespectful to somebody, to the baby lambs at least. If this Hefe Wine character got pancaked by a steam roller, the world would be a marginally better place. If hip hop went away, it would be a much better place. But we’re going to need a much bigger steam roller.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 1:04 PM
Iggy Azalea’s cleft looks primed for war. Her vulva ate right through her shorts looking for some kind of firearm to bring to bear upon Snoop Dogg for calling her an ugly albino no talent bitch. She’s hardly an albino. I wish some people would use the dictionary before making accusations.
Bullets ain’t got no name, Snoop. Neither do ginned up and pissed off vaginas. The next sight we see might be a pair of Chuck Taylor’s sucked last but not least up into that retractable python jaw. That’s no way for a man go to out of this world. But I hope he films it for Vine.
By Matt October 16, 2014 @ 9:28 AM
Snoop Dogg has responded to his Instagram beef with Iggy Azalea in his most gangster fashion since being narrowly acquitted of gang murder, yet is still falling short of his edgier Saturday Morning Cartoon licensing agreements. After Azalea responded in lame duck fashion to his initial post he has bombarded more pics, this one being better than his last fourteen albums combined.
Sometimes when you’re an Australian opportunist pretending to run hip hop black dudes are going to get pissy with you. Particularly when the rapper involved writes albums about how dumb bitches are. I’m not saying Snoop’s views on women are to be considered legitimate, he just seemed to have a point when I was a frustrated teen who couldn’t get laid, like the ratchety tools who still bump Snoop in their 5.0.
Iggy Azalea has a lot on her plate. She’s being divorced by a low level hip hop producer she claims she never married. He’s also threatening to release their sexual escapades on tape. She’s got an ass filled with enough fat to feed the Southern Sudan and she’s dating the least effective Laker on a team of ineffective Lakers. Now she’s in a beef with a guy with tons of time and stoner shits and giggles inspirations. Odds are someone shuts the fuck up soon and it’s not going to be Snoop. Odds someone gets shot, slightly higher. Again, not Snoop.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt October 15, 2014 @ 7:23 AM
Snoop Dogg maintains a pretty funny Instagram account assuming you’re a seventh grader and you started smoking weed pretty hard in the fifth. Sometimes not giving a fuck is inherently funny when you’re mean to annoying people for no rhyme or reason. After not super flattering photos of Iggy Azalea without any makeup went around the net, Snoop posted a picture of this cave dweller with the mocking caption. Azalea replied to Snoop on Twitter:
“Why would you post such a mean pic on insta when you send your body guards to ask me for pictures every time we are at shows… I’m disappointed you’d be such an ass for no reason.”
There’s not much you really can do when somebody calls you ugly other than ignore it. Or tweet about your disappointment in Snoop Dogg like that’s a legitimate feeling. Snoop Dogg likely harbors resentment to a white chick from Australia biting so hard on the black hip hop culture. The big white fake ass is acceptable when you’re the guy tapping it at 2am, otherwise, it’s a racial affront. I have an office pool going of what will remain longer, this photo on Instagram or Iggy Azalea’s fame. Nobody will cash in on it because nobody gives a shit.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt September 25, 2014 @ 7:43 AM
Iggy Azalea opened up about being statutory raped as a young teenager by a grown man in an attempt to shock people who just nodded like they’d already just assumed this and some light felonies were on her curriculum vitae. Azalea has been sexually ambitious from a young age, using her pussy to mask her insecurities. Remember, girls have sex only because they’re troubled, while young boys are simply precocious. Am I the last feminist on this planet?
Azalea seems unscathed by her premature sexual escapades, which should make you cringe next time you drive by a junior high school:
“When I was 13 I got a fake ID… I’d go out, get hammered off my face in nightclubs because I thought that made me an adult, meet older guys who thought I was older, and go fuck them. I’d do that all the time. Hitchhiking was something I would do all the time as a kid. When I was 14 I used to go to the red light district called Kings Cross and go to strip clubs.”
It’s unclear if Azalea thinks her Lolita tales are cool or shameful, but she’s clearly pulled them out of the closet as part of some publicity playbook. Maybe she’s lit a backfire to lessen the media frenzy when her butt sex tape is released by one of her former johns slash career mentors. Could you really enjoy watching a sex tape knowing the eighteen year old girl is a damaged lamb letting herself be pounded by some loser just so she can try to feel some emotion inside her dead soul? I know I totally could, I’m just asking you.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 1:02 PM
The Booty music video breaks new ground by doing nothing other than showing Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea twerking their oiled down asses while some auto-tuned sound maker repeats the word booty. It’s actually kind of genius. Pretending pop stars can sing has always been a major boner kill. It’s like pretending your CES hooker cares about your new streaming music player. Enjoying these pop stars more simply as ass-fat injected sex objects designed almost entirely for smoking cigarettes seductively and fucking, that’s so much simpler. Booty eliminates any obligation to shake your head to the music, pretend you know any words, or ignore the fact that Jennifer Lopez is tone deaf. It’s just a little ditty about using your big shitter to please your man. I see this is as progress. When Lopez and Azalea complete the Booty trilogy with Spank and Finger Rape, this entire opus will come fully into perspective.