By Lex August 08, 2014 @ 11:35 AM
It’s the job of old people to tell young people how they no longer work hard for shit they want. Back in my day if a girl wanted a bubble ass, she had to fly to Guadalajara and pay a veterinarian 10,000,000 pesos or eleven dollars to pour QUIKRETE® into open flaps on her ass while the Santeria priestess beat you about the face with a strangled capon. Now you can slip into a doctor’s office in Beverly Hills masked as a LensCrafters and have highly soluble strained animal fat injected below your gluteal muscles. In and out in thirty minutes. It’s like the auto-tuning of music, only more important, because this is lady ass. Everybody wants to be famous fast and without having to fellate the proper chain of command. This perversion of the natural ass order will eventually blow up, and when it does, it’s going to smell a lot like pork sausage.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com
By Lex July 11, 2014 @ 1:52 PM
When Nicki Minaj ‘cast shade’ on Iggy Azalea because T.I. helps her with the lingo in her super fresh rhyming schemes, she missed the bigger point. Big fat fake ass. Nicki and Iggy both have their riding saddles loaded up with animal fat to look like human fuck toys. Everybody who gets their ass jacked up in Hollywood feels a need to lie about that body part like no other. Even Kim Kardashian admits her tits are fake, but you talk about her abnormally shaped ass and she’s taking you to ass court. I don’t know why intentionally breaking your nose and reshaping the pieces or chunking out rib bones or peeling off your face and stretching it like Saran Wrap taut across your chiseled cheekbones is somehow pro forma, while taking a shot of fat in the ass to deposit more cushiion for pushin’ is verboten. It’s your body, manufacture your features up any way you see fit. You could end up the ultimate boner killer like Donatella Versace, but maybe you’ll get lucky and have an ass rappers want to slap enough to buy you more breaks. Spin the fucking wheel of circus freakery and see where you land.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex July 01, 2014 @ 3:43 PM
The primary fallout from Nicki Minaj’s credibility attack on Iggy Azalea during the BET Awards was for mainstream news outlets to use the slang ‘casting shade’ in reporting their stories. Nicki was obviously referring to Australian rapper Iggy Azalea when she highlighted the fact that her epic lyrics come straight from her inner muse. Iggy’s raps maybe come from paid for hire writers like T.I.
When you hear Nicki Minaj spit, Nicki Minaj wrote it.
Sure, invite the token white rapper to perform then pile on because she can’t match your urban iambic pentameter about niggas and Bentleys. Whoa, bitch be casting shade. Rap feuds were so much better when people shot each other. Slow death by broken English rant is inhumane.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex June 06, 2014 @ 11:47 AM
At some point I’m going to figure out who this Iggy Azalea chick is and stop referring to her as the Australian rapper with the big ass. Maybe another three months. By rule I won’t pay attention to a new pop music star until at least the first rehab or cutting admission in Teen Cosmo. That’s when shit gets interesting. I got burned when I was the first one in my social group to know who Kesha was. Then I got to hear, hey, that what’s-her-face you like has pictures online of herself covered in jizz. Or, hey, your girlfriend was drinking her own piss again. I don’t need that. Not so I can claim first on Tik-Tok.
Photo Credit: Iggy Azalea/Instagram
By Lex April 23, 2014 @ 2:21 PM
Iggy Azalea now wears multiple layers of protective undergarments in concert because when she crowd surfs, a bunch of dudes and girls keep literally sticking their fingers up the figurative title of her track, Pu$$y. The finger banging itself seems kind of sexist because a vagina is involved. Vaginas make everything sexist. Though drunk stoned fans have been known to grab the packages on guys they like too when surfing by, but it’s different for a lady. Actually, maybe that is sexist. This shit is tricky.
“Like, they think I’m real slutty, like ‘Oh, she got a song called ‘Pu$$y,’ I know what she wants. She wants these two fingers.’ Why would I want a stranger to ever finger me? Buying my album for $12 doesn’t mean you get to finger me when I come to your city.”
Who buys a whole album these days? I’ll tell you who? Finger rapists, that’s who. Might as well dump that entire customer list from the iTunes store and start rounding those animals up. Iggy says she sees people on Twitter before her shows talking about fingering her and she tries to tell them it’s not okay. Sign of the devil, cool. One in the stink, one in the pink, unacceptable. She wants it to stop because it’s, well, rape, and as wrong as white Australian rappers, only even a little bit more.
I hope we can all agree that Iggy Azalea is in the right on this issue. Also, we can all agree we’ve never fucking heard of Iggy Azalea until now.
Photo Credit: Getty