Alec Baldwin will soon have a new baby and forget all about his first family and daughter (hey, this shit happens, you know that pyromaniac children of divorce). But Ireland Baldwin is not fading back into any first family step-closet. She’s got the fame game pretty much nailed down. When a seventeen year old girl puts sea stars on the parts of her were not allowed to mention because of her age, including her tits and vagina, that’s a sign of future stardom. The last time I had Echinodermata on my private parts, I had to get a Q-tip swab of my urethra. Ireland turns it into a positive. That’s why she’s getting invites to all the VIP parties while I’m just going to get a bunch of letters from angry nerds about how it’s ‘starfish’ and not ‘sea stars’.

Everybody acts surprised to see how good looking Ireland Baldwin has become. But the question never was would she be hot, of course she would. The question is when will she go batshit bonkers like her parents. Not the kind of crazy where you mumble to yourself in the drug park about your St. Gabriel’s murder list. More like where your good looks draw people into your sphere and then you make their life a living hell. At some point, the rants and tirades will begin. Overpriced kitchen accents from Williams-Sonoma will be flying by your head and you’re going to find a perfectly placed vegan turd on the driver’s seat of your car. Even knowing that, I’d still let her be my girlfriend. You would too. That right there is how the adventure begins.

Photo Credit: PCN

Ireland Baldwin is still seventeen but now a professional model with a surfer boyfriend named Slater Trout. That may be his real name, but it’s also the name you’d give the surfer character in your porn movie. Ergo, he’s banging the frazzle out of Alec’s teenaged daughter. I know he’s not black, but Alec needs to work up some anger and punch this kids lights out.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin