By Lex November 06, 2015 @ 12:32 PM
It was just six months ago Ireland Baldwin was sent off to rehab to be cured of her drinking and interracial lesbianism, one of which is verboten in the Baldwin household. The person you never speak to at rehab is a geneticist who could trace the Baldwin DNA in your veins back to the earliest fucked up troglodytes ranting about faggots in their cave. You might as well cure a Frenchman of his pretentious gazes or ask Lena Dunham to stop resembling Cookie Puss. Maybe you get Ireland to stop going down on black chick rappers with some Red Asphalt videos about the ravages of oral chlamydia, but you’re not taking a bottle away from a Baldwin. Next time, wear underwear even if you only think there might be an open bar. Let’s check back in at thirty.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Lex October 01, 2015 @ 10:27 AM
PETA has figured out that sex sells a message. Also that 95% of the general population loves eating animals more than making sure they have three square meals a day and subsidized cable. Consider naked ladies your last best option for changing minds. PETA used to run porn-disguised click bait on blogs for men that featured naked women and sex acts and led you to an animal rights page. They’ve put naked women with college loans and no idea how to pay for them into cages dressed as tigers and aardvarks. Aardvark if you showed up first that day.
Just for a Hollywood fundraiser PETA will drag out Joanna Krupa and Pamela Anderson and foie-gras style force feed them Stoli until their eyes are half open and their tis are half out. Does any of this work in changing hearts and minds? I don’t know. We’re still killing hormone injected cows with giant Wile E. Coyoto ACME hammers and the Japanese are still eating whale blubber with their Cheerios. Bob Barker already covered off the spaying and neutering business. All these tits may just be gratuitous. Which would make it PETA’s greatest accomplishment. The animals have to be laughing at us. Fuckers. Let’s eat.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex September 10, 2015 @ 2:47 PM
Ireland Baldwin is doing better since her parents paid for her to attend drunk gay rehab. Her skin looks shinier and less covered in vagina juice. Also, her breasts have become self-aware. Not every spoiled pretty rich girl is blessed with good parents. None of them are. She still managed to get from here to there. And with no bra. Don’t call it a comeback.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 10:39 AM
Hailey Baldwin and cousin Ireland Baldwin mouth kissed on the red carpet of the Mission Impossible premiere because Ireland Baldwin was just cured of her booze and lesbianism and this was her first real test. You never know how you’re treatment will hold in the field until your hot cousin is looking to swap spit. Tom Cruise could only clench his toes and hold back three decades of tear-filled regret. Everyone agreed that this was at least as good as the movie itself, if not slightly less derivative.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 9:07 AM
Ireland Baldwin is back from rehab where she was treated for booze and casual lesbianism. Baldwin finds serenity in taking pictures of herself holding her tits in the sand. It’s a classic Promises Malibu bridging technique. She was robbed of her childhood by the Guatemalan nannies who raised her. Re-discover your inner child and run as fast and as far away as possible. If you get to the equator your genetic destiny no longer holds. Your dad just called a cabbie a faggot and fucked a baby into his yoga instructor. Mom was found sobbing in a dumpster in the valley. Keep South. Pick up the pace.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt June 29, 2015 @ 6:54 AM
Ireland Baldwin got a septum piercing and held up a note thanking the jewelry store for giving her free shit. Their motivation remains unclear but odds are someone there sells her pills. The septum piercing has a long tradition in America dating back to the club extras in the first Ninja Turtles movie. It has many significant cultural implications. Some of the early First Nations people to be sacrificed to the volcanoes wore them. Nobody liked them, that’s why they were chosen.
I talk about spirituality in coke dens while getting tricked into letting a forty year old lesbian in a leather vest go down on me. I read the horoscope section and then nod knowingly. Above all, I really fucking hate my parents. Will this piss them off or should I move onto the face tattoo. What if I grew a beard would you pay attention? What do you mean you aren’t hiring bartenders? Do you know who my father is? I don’t wake up before noon. What does ethereal mean again? Yeah, that. I need more pills. My clit still works and I’m not longer lesbian. Go to town.
Photo Credit: Instagram