Ireland Baldwin Has a Good Head on Her Tits

By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 2:02 PM

Ireland Baldwin Shows Off Cleavage At The Vanity Fair Oscar Party
‘I’m dumping my boyfriend to focus on work and school’, said no eighteen year old girl ever. But Ireland Baldwin is going with that line to explain her breakup with the gay detective novel series named Slater Trout, a professional paddle-surfer, whatever the fuck that means besides the fact that you’re living off his parents. It might make sense if Ireland was actually in school. I think she’s referring to acting school, which is to school as drinking twelve light beers is to cutting back on the calories. Ireland changed her hair color to lavender following the breakup, which I can tell you from my vast limited knowledge of the opposite sex means she currently hates men. If it’s not red or blond or brunette, her vagina is bitter. She’ll eventually get over whatever Slater Trout did to her. Then I can get back to my bucket list of having sex with her and her hot yoga stepmom while I punch Alec Baldwin in his cirrhosis.

Photo Credit: Getty

Ireland Baldwin To Be Fashion Correspondent At The Oscars

By Lex February 25, 2014 @ 4:16 PM

Ireland Baldwin In A Bikini
While daddy struggles with the minority-hating man in the mirror, Ireland Baldwin has been tapped to be the Oscar night fashion correspondent for TVGN. I have no fucking clue what TVGN is or what Ireland Baldwin knows about fashion, but if they can commit to having Ireland correspond in a thong bikini, I’d take the time to spin through those couple hundred alternating gay propaganda and Christian ministry channels on DirecTV. I’m not sure how deep Ireland Baldwin is on the fashion correspondent depth chart, but now that everybody has a cable channel, you can count on seeing the likes of Tootie from Facts of Life and a guy who once played Dr. Who in a college engineering department skit reporting live from the red carpet. For me, it will always be about the wondrous look in Seacrest’s eyes as he imagines himself in each successive flowing gown that keeps me tuned in for two hours of pre-show.

Photo Credit: Ireland Baldwin/Instagram

Ireland Baldwin Has One For The Furries

By Travis February 12, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

There’s really not much that Ireland Baldwin can post on her Instagram account at this point that would surprise anyone, because she’s already showed off everything from her legs to her cleavage and her reverse camel toe in between. But a sexually-charged embrace with a giant teddy bear is a solid addition, because the perverts following her must be wondering what she looks like right before she goes reverse cowgirl on Winnie the Pooh’s pot of honey. The only question that really remains about the 18-year old model daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger is whether it will be an acting role or a sex tape that will show her nude for the first time. There really should be a way to wager on this by now.

Fighting AIDS Has Never Been Sexier

By Travis February 06, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Whoever is in charge of organizing the guest list for the annual amfAR Gala has the best and easiest job in the world, because the lead-in to Fashion Week guarantees that just about any Victoria’s Secret or Sports Illustrated model that matters will show up. In turn, old rich guys are bound to spend tons of money for the best seats in the house, all in the name of AIDS research, but with the actual intention of sitting so close to the models, they can smell the color of their underwear. Last night’s cattle call of models included Karolina Kurkova, Behati Prinsloo, Karlie Kloss, Alyssa Miller, Erin Heatherton, Lindsay Ellingson, Lily Aldridge and more. Naturally, Michelle Rodriguez also showed up because she probably heard there was an open bar and thought, “One hand for my beer and five fingers for the ladies.”

Photo Credits: C. Smith/

Ireland Baldwin Suddenly Seems Very Important

By Travis February 04, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Because she’s the daughter of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, Ireland Baldwin would very much like to be famous as well, and that hasn’t been very difficult for her, because she’s young and attractive and those are two characteristics that ordinary people worship. But focusing on that attractive part, Ireland likes to use her Instagram account to post fashion photos and duck-faced selfies, and she really raised the bar on Sunday by posting this workout photo of her ass with the simple message, “#2014.” Does that mean that 2014 is the year that Ireland releases a doggy style sex tape? I can only assume the answer to that is yes.

Ireland Baldwin Really Wants To Be Naughty

By Lex January 16, 2014 @ 5:04 PM

Ireland Baldwin Posts Almost Topless Photo To Instagram
Your mom’s a nutso model and actress. Your dad is a rage machine who just made a baby with his new young wife. You’ve got to want to be the world’s biggest slutbag, right? Nobody’s going to blame Ireland Baldwin if she starts whoring around and throwing down shots and flashing her tits in public. We’ll just say, damn, look how her fucked up parents fucked her up. Poor girl. That’s the true benefit of having lousy moms and dads. Unless you kill somebody reasonably important or white, you pretty much get a free pass from society. Ireland Baldwin really seems to be wanting to show off her boobs. Earlier this week at the S.I. party to celebrate the spot healing tool in Photoshop. Now this Instagram photo where she clearly seems to be topless, just barely hiding her tits and what I like to imagine is a distinctive tattoo of me nailing Kate Upton nailing Ireland Baldwin. Though it’s probably a flower.

Photo Credit: Ireland Baldwin/Instagram