Ireland Baldwin Tits Back on Track

By Lex January 04, 2016 @ 12:04 PM

Ireland Baldwin Flashes Boob In Artsy Shoot
The biggest joke at the Baldwin dinner table is how the first rehab never takes. The second biggest joke is a tie between Danny and Stephen. There’s no shame in being born tall and attractive and prone to fits of moroseness and anger. Men won’t even mention it officially until the bitter divorce. Let Manny be Manny and whatever part of that relates to you doing more topless photo shoots. I am going to need to confiscate your belt. I only have your dad in my ghoul pool.

Photo Credit: Flaunt Magazine

Ireland Baldwin See Through

By Lex November 30, 2015 @ 9:17 AM

Ireland Baldwin See Through
The Baldwins get together around the holidays to laugh about their first few court mandated rehab stints. It’s that whole unstoppable force against the immovable object meme only the unstoppable force is a beach front treatment center your revocable trust is paying to provide you fresh squeezed juice and a stationary bike. Ireland Baldwin is born of Baldwin and Bassinger. It’s like watching a ticking clock with a little sticker above twelve in the image of an exploding bomb. How many times will we get to see Ireland’s tits and who will she take with her are the things we need to know before high noon. By the time dad’s polished off Santa’s cookies with a Tanqueray and called him a North Pole faggot, Christmas is already ruined.

Photo Credit: Tony Duran

Ireland Baldwin Hits Step Twelve

By Lex November 06, 2015 @ 12:32 PM

Ireland Baldwin Likes To Party
It was just six months ago Ireland Baldwin was sent off to rehab to be cured of her drinking and interracial lesbianism, one of which is verboten in the Baldwin household. The person you never speak to at rehab is a geneticist who could trace the Baldwin DNA in your veins back to the earliest fucked up troglodytes ranting about faggots in their cave. You might as well cure a Frenchman of his pretentious gazes or ask Lena Dunham to stop resembling Cookie Puss. Maybe you get Ireland to stop going down on black chick rappers with some Red Asphalt videos about the ravages of oral chlamydia, but you’re not taking a bottle away from a Baldwin. Next time, wear underwear even if you only think there might be an open bar. Let’s check back in at thirty.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Nothing Says Save the Animals Like Celebrity Tits

By Lex October 01, 2015 @ 10:27 AM

Cleavage For Peta
PETA has figured out that sex sells a message. Also that 95% of the general population loves eating animals more than making sure they have three square meals a day and subsidized cable. Consider naked ladies your last best option for changing minds. PETA used to run porn-disguised click bait on blogs for men that featured naked women and sex acts and led you to an animal rights page. They’ve put naked women with college loans and no idea how to pay for them into cages dressed as tigers and aardvarks. Aardvark if you showed up first that day.

Just for a Hollywood fundraiser PETA will drag out Joanna Krupa and Pamela Anderson and foie-gras style force feed them Stoli until their eyes are half open and their tis are half out. Does any of this work in changing hearts and minds? I don’t know. We’re still killing hormone injected cows with giant Wile E. Coyoto ACME hammers and the Japanese are still eating whale blubber with their Cheerios. Bob Barker already covered off the spaying and neutering business. All these tits may just be gratuitous. Which would make it PETA’s greatest accomplishment. The animals have to be laughing at us. Fuckers. Let’s eat.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Ireland Baldwin Plunging

By Lex September 10, 2015 @ 2:47 PM

Ireland Baldwin Plunging White Dress For Rodeo Drive
Ireland Baldwin is doing better since her parents paid for her to attend drunk gay rehab. Her skin looks shinier and less covered in vagina juice. Also, her breasts have become self-aware. Not every spoiled pretty rich girl is blessed with good parents. None of them are. She still managed to get from here to there. And with no bra. Don’t call it a comeback.

Photo Credit: Getty

Hailey Baldwin And Ireland Baldwin Find Their Purpose

By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 10:39 AM

Hailey Baldwin And Ireland Baldwin Kissing Cousins At Mission Impossible Premiere
Hailey Baldwin and cousin Ireland Baldwin mouth kissed on the red carpet of the Mission Impossible premiere because Ireland Baldwin was just cured of her booze and lesbianism and this was her first real test. You never know how you’re treatment will hold in the field until your hot cousin is looking to swap spit. Tom Cruise could only clench his toes and hold back three decades of tear-filled regret. Everyone agreed that this was at least as good as the movie itself, if not¬†slightly¬†less derivative.

Photo Credit: Getty