By Lex July 28, 2015 @ 10:39 AM
Hailey Baldwin and cousin Ireland Baldwin mouth kissed on the red carpet of the Mission Impossible premiere because Ireland Baldwin was just cured of her booze and lesbianism and this was her first real test. You never know how you’re treatment will hold in the field until your hot cousin is looking to swap spit. Tom Cruise could only clench his toes and hold back three decades of tear-filled regret. Everyone agreed that this was at least as good as the movie itself, if not slightly less derivative.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 9:07 AM
Ireland Baldwin is back from rehab where she was treated for booze and casual lesbianism. Baldwin finds serenity in taking pictures of herself holding her tits in the sand. It’s a classic Promises Malibu bridging technique. She was robbed of her childhood by the Guatemalan nannies who raised her. Re-discover your inner child and run as fast and as far away as possible. If you get to the equator your genetic destiny no longer holds. Your dad just called a cabbie a faggot and fucked a baby into his yoga instructor. Mom was found sobbing in a dumpster in the valley. Keep South. Pick up the pace.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt June 29, 2015 @ 6:54 AM
Ireland Baldwin got a septum piercing and held up a note thanking the jewelry store for giving her free shit. Their motivation remains unclear but odds are someone there sells her pills. The septum piercing has a long tradition in America dating back to the club extras in the first Ninja Turtles movie. It has many significant cultural implications. Some of the early First Nations people to be sacrificed to the volcanoes wore them. Nobody liked them, that’s why they were chosen.
I talk about spirituality in coke dens while getting tricked into letting a forty year old lesbian in a leather vest go down on me. I read the horoscope section and then nod knowingly. Above all, I really fucking hate my parents. Will this piss them off or should I move onto the face tattoo. What if I grew a beard would you pay attention? What do you mean you aren’t hiring bartenders? Do you know who my father is? I don’t wake up before noon. What does ethereal mean again? Yeah, that. I need more pills. My clit still works and I’m not longer lesbian. Go to town.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex April 21, 2015 @ 1:19 PM
Ireland Baldwin checked herself into rehab for ‘emotional trauma’. That’s code for substance abuse. She’s a Baldwin, Show me liquor as my Family Feud survey guess. Ireland was trending toward despair by way of teen modeling, a dumb surfer boyfriend, then leaping several steps into a publicized lesbian relationship with a black rapper. It’s good she hit rehab before joining ISIS and bombing the luxury condo building where her dad keeps making new babies with the yoga instructor.
Sad cryptic Tweets are fine for most teenaged girls, but when you’re in a facility, this kind of messaging might get your wrists strapped to the bed. I bet it sucks extra to be miserable when you’re pretty and blonde and rich. You’re the drowning fish. Nobody even notices. Fuck, Tweet that. They will sedate you.
By Matt April 03, 2015 @ 8:04 AM
Ireland Baldwin did a photo shoot for a lingerie line that didn’t seem to involve any lingerie. She was mostly naked even though they turned her to cover up all the good bits.. Baldwin is a professional fashion model meaning she can’t sing or act but she’s tall and pretty and her gums don’t bleed from extended periods of starvation. It is widely assumed most of her overtly sexual behavior is revenge aimed at her swarthy drunk father Alec and Kim Bassinger who birthed her in between rounds of decade long sedatives. She tried dating an older surfer dude but when dad just kept making more babies and forgetting her birthdays, she took up with a black lesbian rapper After that it’s a spot in the Chris Christie’s cabinet. By the time she’s on her second face tattoo she’ll realize it was all for nothing. I’ve seen this movie before. It doesn’t end well. Godspeed to all the players.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack July 03, 2014 @ 4:45 PM
Say what you will about Emmy Awards and drug arrests and skateboarding Jesus pimping, Ireland Baldwin is only eighteen and she’s already surpassed her entire acting family in terms of who I’d like to have lunch with. Okay, not lunch, but sex. Same thing.
Ireland Baldwin is Alec Baldwin’s best work since Beetlejuice. (The Superficial)
FIFA is shocked at how drunk people need to get to pretend to enjoy soccer. (BroBible)
Portia De Rossi checks into rehab after realizing she’s been eating out Ellen Degeneres. (Celebitchy)
Lea Michele likes to go hiking in teeny, tiny shorts and we support her. (Egotastic)
Find out more about Lindsay’s latest frivolous lawsuit. (Huffington Post)
Facebook’s psych experiments on their users are nothing new, so, that’s good news I guess (Vice)
Tila Tequila is super pregnant with her alien/Illuminati/slutbag hybrid baby. (Drunken Stepfather)