By Lex May 06, 2015 @ 11:36 AM
It’s easy to assert that life is unfair when Bradley Cooper dumps his teen model girlfriend and immediately hooks up with Irina Shayk. Easy and true. Equality is a myth conceived by those not fucking Russian supermodels to give meaning to their lives. In the madrassas, they shatter this myth and tell all the boys they’ll never get laid, not even by the hairy chicks they’d settle for while high on Fanta sodas. Those kids fight to strap on the bomb to take them to the next world. In the West, we like our pizza parlors intact so we sell the farce that anyone can bang a model. The same guys who run The Lotto Scratchers head up this misinformation campaign. Somebody has to beat the odds. Why not you? Or Bradley Cooper. It could go either way.
Photo Credit: Selfie Magazine
By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 10:03 AM
I’m certain some fancy marketing program at one of those higher learning institutions will tell you selling eyewear is complicated and ask you for $100K to crack the code, but it really is just a Russian model with swell tits greased up like a 5’10″ vagina. Why would you not want those same glasses? You get the guy, you get the body, you’ll cum like you haven’t had since your honeymoon just by holding these spectacles to your face. I want three pair. I can do Paypal, but not until next Tuesday. Fuck, just take my car title, I’m ready to get started.
Photo Credit: Linda Farrow
By Lex January 09, 2015 @ 1:24 PM
Hot girls inherently know how to take awesome Instagram photos. That and never having to shit are their two real superpowers along with that good looks stuff. Russian models in particular seemed to be trained in the art of seduction for the camera from a very young age. It might be something imbued from the natural minerals of the Steppes, or possibly related to 99% of them attending child pornography sleep-away camps during grade school. Once you get past the nightmares and the generalized anxiety, you have yourself a skill for life. How many girls get to be Ronaldo’s booty call? Yes, twenty-two is the correct answer.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Agua Bandito
By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 9:38 AM
The Love Magazine month long ode to something that was originally Christmas seems to be pretty much fresh out of ideas. But you still got a few models on the pre-paid tip so you’ve got to keep on firing the cameras. You could’ve just filmed Irina Shayk sucking on her finger behind the local Denny’s. Experimental video is really meant for girls who worry about their reputations. Russian models inherently understand the ‘tits or gulag’ option. Don’t make this more complicated than it needs to be.
Photo Credit: Doug Inglish @ Love Magazine
By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 9:22 AM
I don’t know why the world needs 837 women’s swimwear lines. They’re all using the same models to sell the same bikinis that look fucking amazing if you’re a supermodel, slightly less so for a soccer mom from New Brunswick who thinks skipping dessert provides muscle tone. The toddler workers of Papau New Guinea can only produce so many bikinis per day, even with the invisible fence collars pinging them to be more productive. Find a swimsuit you like, grab a backup for your monthly, and check back in five years. Irina Shayk won’t have trouble finding other work.
Photo Credit: Agua Bendita
By Lex November 05, 2014 @ 2:27 PM
I read a little Spanish thanks to a weekend in a Mexican jail cell for a miscommunication involving three copper pennies, a burro, and a village boy named Ignacio. The print alongside Irina Shayk translates roughly to ‘if you live a thousand lifetimes, you will never get the chance to fuck me, let alone smell my worn stockings.’ That last part seems gratuitous. But no doubt true.
I’ve come to live with the fact I’ll probably be denied the opportunity to biblically explore the women on my bucket list. Though I will hopefully one day get break bread with the Hmong people and masturbate on horseback in a revived old town shopping district, so I won’t totally whiff on my list.
Photo Credit: DTlux