By Lex November 26, 2014 @ 9:22 AM
I don’t know why the world needs 837 women’s swimwear lines. They’re all using the same models to sell the same bikinis that look fucking amazing if you’re a supermodel, slightly less so for a soccer mom from New Brunswick who thinks skipping dessert provides muscle tone. The toddler workers of Papau New Guinea can only produce so many bikinis per day, even with the invisible fence collars pinging them to be more productive. Find a swimsuit you like, grab a backup for your monthly, and check back in five years. Irina Shayk won’t have trouble finding other work.
Photo Credit: Agua Bendita
By Lex November 05, 2014 @ 2:27 PM
I read a little Spanish thanks to a weekend in a Mexican jail cell for a miscommunication involving three copper pennies, a burro, and a village boy named Ignacio. The print alongside Irina Shayk translates roughly to ‘if you live a thousand lifetimes, you will never get the chance to fuck me, let alone smell my worn stockings.’ That last part seems gratuitous. But no doubt true.
I’ve come to live with the fact I’ll probably be denied the opportunity to biblically explore the women on my bucket list. Though I will hopefully one day get break bread with the Hmong people and masturbate on horseback in a revived old town shopping district, so I won’t totally whiff on my list.
Photo Credit: DTlux
By Lex August 21, 2014 @ 7:59 AM
I wish all Russians were more like Irina Shayk. I’d love to be able to say, Putin, yeah, he’s a dangerous tyrant, but man what I wouldn’t give to blast his perfect titties. He doesn’t seem to dangerous then. It’s probably not so awesome to live in a place that’s freezing fucking cold most of the year and all your hot women leave for better opportunities elsewhere. It’s like living in Massachusetts. Fuck you, you know I’m right. Go Sox.
Photo Credit: Agua Bendita
By Lex August 01, 2014 @ 8:08 AM
This is Harper’s Bazaar China, so it’s possible this isn’t really Irina Shayk but a knockoff Irina rotocast in a Guangdong factory. China pretty much produces everything in this world made of plastic, stone, metal, wood, or tiger balls. I always wonder when they threaten to nuke the shit out of other countries if they don’t realize how poorly that affects their customer service rating. Here’s your 10,000 units of Authentic Italian knockoff marble floor tiles. We might have snuck a dirty bomb in your shopping cart. Have a nice day. You’ll get crucified on Yelp for pulling shit like that.
Photo Credit: Harper’s Bazaar China
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 12:17 PM
The perfect summer wind blew up Irina Shayk’s skirt on the set of Extra. A.C. Slater got flummoxed and mentioned ten times how much he loves his wife and lady tits in rapid fire succession to remind everybody how straight he is. Irina Shayk just laughed breezily and said something in Russian that translates to ‘I’m in your movies now, you American fools. Soon, Master Putin and I will crush your testicular sacs.’ Nobody cared about the red menace because they were busy imagining just how great it would be to have sex with Irina Shayk.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash