Jack Nicholson Doesn’t Like Children (VIDEO)

By Lex May 16, 2014 @ 6:08 PM

I got suspicious when Jack Nicholson let Roman Polanski sodomize a middle school girl at his house. Cut to to just thirty-seven years later and here’s Jack Nicholson refusing to accept a handshake from a kid at the Clippers game. You might forgive Jack for letting his skeevy Euro buddy cram his dick into an eighth grader, but Jack leaving you hanging for a shake on national TV, you don’t come back from that. You’ve got two choices there, Sparky. Alcoholism. Or hunting down Roman Polanski in Switzerland and bringing him back to justice. I don’t like to label children, but you don’t look like much of a hunter. I’d call up Drew Barrymore and ask her for her black book of bars that serve to the grade school crowd.


By brendon October 12, 2006 @ 9:41 AM

Everyone loves a good anal rape story, and the National Enquirer and Celebitchy are no exception:

Jack Nicholson was at LA’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center to get a salivary gland problem checked out, waiting patiently in an examining room until two men in medical garb and surgical masks walked in and brusquely informed him they were interns sent to perform his “initial workup.” While one picked up Jack’s chart and studied it, the other snapped on a rubber glove, brandished a tube of lubricant – and told the superstar, “Roll over, please, sir…we’ll be doing a rectal exam.” Turning pale, Jack immediately launched into non-stop protest, questioning the outrageous “overkill” of a radical probe for a problem at his opposite end…and was stunned speechless when the “interns” suddenly erupted in hysterical, howling laughter! Ripping off their masks, jokers Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio – costars of Jack’s new flick, “The Departed” – giggled helplessly as Matt gasped at gob-smacked Jack: “Dude…just the look on your face was worth all the planning!”

Wait, do interns really do that.  Walk in with their masks on and everything.  Or is that just on TV and in homo-erotic practical jokes.  And I thought people like Jack Nicholson only existed in superhero movies.  They kind of person who doesn't recognize their co-worker because 4 percent of their face is covered.  Like, if my mom walked in the house wearing a scarf, I wouldn't call the cops and attack her with a baseball bat.  If a buddy of mine takes off his hat, I rarely leap back in astonished amazement, "AHHH, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM!!!"