Will Smith’s Kids Need a Dwight Howard Buckling

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 7:29 AM

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Being raised by undercover Scientologists with an open marriage, a boatload of cash, and a belief that a typical upbringing will hinder the blossoming of your Xenu blessed offspring is bound to backfire mightily. In the case of Willow and Jaden Smith it has manifested itself into two teen beatniks who spit out bad poetry and cult physics via Twitter and unnecessarily high profile magazine interviews purposely designed to help these two mini-prophets spread their message. I have to imagine the Smith family publicist is on a roof top repeating ‘It’s all for you, Damien’.

Trolling the Smith kids for dumb quotes is like throwing a quarter into a payphone and watching it comically shatter and spill hundreds of dollars of coins onto the pavement. These two feed off each other like the creepy pair of incestuous orphans they find living in abandoned subway stops in bad British indie flicks:

Willow: Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.

Jaden: When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple.

The problem with poorly reasoned Wiki philosophy is sometimes shit like “you also think about the opposite of an apple” is going to pop out of your mouth and you’re not even going to realize it.

Jaden: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds.

Willow: Because living.

Defenders of the mini-Kants are insisting that all teenagers are idiots who say dumb things. There’s some merit to that argument. But most teenagers don’t get New York Times magazine articles and the ability to ruin major motion pictures and modern popular music. Most self-confident nonsense spouting teens are still forced to socialize in a normalizing school environment where you quickly learn that shit that gets you noticed in AP English will get your ass beat by the jocks beneath the bleachers. So you learn the most valuable life skill of all: knowing when to shut the fuck up.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Jaden Smith Wears A White Batman Suit To Kim And Kanye’s Wedding

By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 2:45 PM

Jaden Smith Wears A White Batman Suit To Kim And Kanye's Wedding
This weekend I had the privilege to watch a butcher at an international market carve up pork uterus into easy home cooking portions. Now I can forever more say shit like, yeah, that’s horrible, but not as bad as watching a guy slice up a pig’s uterus. Like this photo of Jaden Smith in the white batman costume he felt compelled to wear to Kim and Kanye’s wedding. It’s unclear why Jaden likes to be seen in public in trainable superhero costumes, the most important thing is that his parents allow his wild rumpuses to continue so as not to stunt his budding genius. Will Smith’s developmentally challenged son in the Kim and Kanye wedding photo booth isn’t so horrible. Even inviting in his fellow crystal cult member and platonic underaged sexual experimentation buddy Kylie Jenner isn’t all that horrible. But Joe Francis squeezing into the picture. That’s fucking pig uterus.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Jaden Smith and Kylie Jenner Are The Face of Domestic Terrorism

By Lex May 19, 2014 @ 6:21 PM

Kylie-Jenner-and-Jaden-Smith-in-Black-and-White-Photo

Think of Kylie Jenner, and the Will Smith dunderhead kids and this Moises Arias bratpack leader as those for whom Scientology and Instagram just ins’t providing answers to key questions such as Why Am I Here, Am I In Control of My Destiny, and Why Does My Sister Get the Mercedes While I Get Stuck With the Range Rover. Apparently, these kids are so thirsty for the kind of knowledge you can’t get in a stupid school house, they’ve formed their own mini religion, the Orgonite Society, following the teachings of cult leader Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.

Jaden has really dived headfirst into this radical movement. He thinks he is a ‘philosopher’ and Willow is just as into it

Like most cult leaders, Rajneesh writes a lot of books that the children of wealthy parents can buy for $19.95 and pretend they’re tuned into something greater than their fellow mall rats. Meanwhile, Rajneesh bangs the snot out the not fat cult members and gets all the good drugs. Also, his group back in 1984 kinda sorta contaminated local restaurant salad bars with salmonella because their pyramid crystals told them get that shit done. The actor kids in Calabasas lack the ambition for much plotting, plus they don’t dine at midscale restaurants with salad bars, so mostly count on lots of Jaden Smith tweets about knowledge, Willow Smith talking about how her kid body belongs to the Tree Gods and occasionally 20-year old Moises Arias, and Kylie Jenner getting her nails done on camera. The latter is more about funding. Every cult needs a Tom Cruise to bankroll the picnics.

It’s hard to see how this all could go horribly wrong. Sorry, I mean, it’s hard to see how we will give a shit when this inevitably all goes horribly wrong.

Willow Smith Is Growing Up So Fast

By Travis May 07, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Willow and Moises

Today seems like a good day to get to know a young actor who all the kids have already been slightly aware of for years. Moises Arias is a former star of Hannah Montana and a few other shows and movies that you might have heard of, but he’s also well known as the 20-year old guy who is always hanging out with 15-year old Jaden Smith and the teenage Jenner sisters. Now he’s also going to be known to some as the 20-year old guy who posted a photo of himself shirtless with 13-year old Willow Smith curled up next to him in bed, and also the guy who was stupid enough to post such a photo and then mildly smart enough to quickly delete it. Maybe they’re just friends and this is all harmless and innocent, but the public doesn’t give a shit about the difference between harmless and jailbait for an actor who had a supporting role in Ender’s Game. Only leading men get away with this crap, Moises.

Photo Credit: Moises Arias Instagram

All Hell Broke Loose At Justin Bieber’s Movie Premiere

By Travis December 20, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Justin Bieber and his crew of nobodies and hanger-ons walked the red carpet for the premiere of his new documentary, Believe, in Los Angeles last night, and naturally the theater was stormed by a mob of his insane teenage fans. Fortunately, no one was reportedly hurt, from Bieber and Usher to the Kardashian girl who is still underage but awkwardly showed off her leg and Jaden Smith’s fly-catching mouth, but it still must have been a scary experience for Bieber, because I assume that he’s stoned out of his mind 24/7. Fortunately, none of this will happen when he finally retires next week, at least until he reveals he’s full of shit by announcing his new album in the spring.

Photo Credits: RHS/Apega/FayesVision/WENN.com

Jaden Smith Wants All The Boys To Wear Dresses

By Travis October 14, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Because Jaden Smith is so edgy and brilliant and independent (thanks to his father’s large fortune and willingness to buy his kids whatever they want), the 15-year old recently decided to launch his own clothing line, because what else do you do when you don’t really have any talent? According to the Daily Mail, Jaden’s MSFTS clothing line includes the above long hoodie/skirt with leggings that he wore out in Los Angeles on Saturday night, because any kid whose parents aren’t sitting on 9 figures certainly won’t get their asses kicked when they show up to school wearing a dress.

What’s interesting, though, is that the above image is from the Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party on September 27, so it’s kind of fun to think that Jaden has to wear the same outfit because his family is bankrupt and homeless now.

(Photo Credit: Getty)