By Jack May 18, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to have incredibly indulgent parents and a childhood where you were completely protected from bullies and ass-kickers of any kind, meet Jaden Smith. Jaden’s in the news today because he wore a Batman suit to the prom with the more shocking news being that he attends a school and he took a girl.
Check out Jaden as the dynamic douche. (Huffington Post)
Bruna Gonclaves’ naked chichis are muy caliente. (Egotastic)
Jay Z compares himself to Steve Jobs even though no one is buying Tidal. (TMZ)
Who knew Jewel had such nice tits? (Drunken Stepfather)
Caitlin O’Connor is bikinirific. (Hollywood Tuna)
Kendall Jenner wears tights while working out and it is just great. (Popoholic)
I do love sweaty girls in workout clothes. (The Chive)
By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 9:19 AM
It’s amazing what people choose to do when they can do whatever the fuck they want. DiCaprio wears a ponytail and fucks the snot out of hot young women. So does Cara Delevingne. Alec Baldwin calls people faggots then cleans up nicely for GLAAD tolerance awards. Jaden Smith has decided to wear dresses since his junior moron rants on social media stopped trending. Let Jaden Smith be the omen of what is to come as we rid this world of school yard bullies and parents who discipline. A future world of boys in dresses who don’t even have the fortitude to be gay. I’m speeding up the work on my ark. Somebody’s going to notice this cess pool and press the flush button again.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 1:16 PM
The expansive unlimited crystal powered creative space of Jaden Smith is not limited by binary thinking. Much like David Bowie, Mick Jagger, Jared Leto, Kanye West and other boundary pushing musicians, Jaden Smith has begun experimenting with androgynous styles and wearing women’s clothes. These other dress wearing musicians actually created popular music as opposed to merely being a spoiled teen from Hidden Hills who need a shed talk from a gruff uncle and some chores.
Jaden Smith can do as he pleases since he doesn’t go to school and has money and his parents believe he’s the second son of the second son of Xenu. He’s never going to get beat down or ridiculed or bullied, which seems like a good thing, until you spend five minutes with him talking about the summer dresses at Forever 21, then you’ll just want to punch something innocent. Nature has a way of course correcting. This one should be good.
Photo Credit: Instagram/FameFlynet
By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 7:29 AM
Being raised by undercover Scientologists with an open marriage, a boatload of cash, and a belief that a typical upbringing will hinder the blossoming of your Xenu blessed offspring is bound to backfire mightily. In the case of Willow and Jaden Smith it has manifested itself into two teen beatniks who spit out bad poetry and cult physics via Twitter and unnecessarily high profile magazine interviews purposely designed to help these two mini-prophets spread their message. I have to imagine the Smith family publicist is on a roof top repeating ‘It’s all for you, Damien’.
Trolling the Smith kids for dumb quotes is like throwing a quarter into a payphone and watching it comically shatter and spill hundreds of dollars of coins onto the pavement. These two feed off each other like the creepy pair of incestuous orphans they find living in abandoned subway stops in bad British indie flicks:
Willow: Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.
Jaden: When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple.
The problem with poorly reasoned Wiki philosophy is sometimes shit like “you also think about the opposite of an apple” is going to pop out of your mouth and you’re not even going to realize it.
Jaden: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds.
Willow: Because living.
Defenders of the mini-Kants are insisting that all teenagers are idiots who say dumb things. There’s some merit to that argument. But most teenagers don’t get New York Times magazine articles and the ability to ruin major motion pictures and modern popular music. Most self-confident nonsense spouting teens are still forced to socialize in a normalizing school environment where you quickly learn that shit that gets you noticed in AP English will get your ass beat by the jocks beneath the bleachers. So you learn the most valuable life skill of all: knowing when to shut the fuck up.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 2:45 PM
This weekend I had the privilege to watch a butcher at an international market carve up pork uterus into easy home cooking portions. Now I can forever more say shit like, yeah, that’s horrible, but not as bad as watching a guy slice up a pig’s uterus. Like this photo of Jaden Smith in the white batman costume he felt compelled to wear to Kim and Kanye’s wedding. It’s unclear why Jaden likes to be seen in public in trainable superhero costumes, the most important thing is that his parents allow his wild rumpuses to continue so as not to stunt his budding genius. Will Smith’s developmentally challenged son in the Kim and Kanye wedding photo booth isn’t so horrible. Even inviting in his fellow crystal cult member and platonic underaged sexual experimentation buddy Kylie Jenner isn’t all that horrible. But Joe Francis squeezing into the picture. That’s fucking pig uterus.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex May 19, 2014 @ 6:21 PM
Think of Kylie Jenner, and the Will Smith dunderhead kids and this Moises Arias bratpack leader as those for whom Scientology and Instagram just ins’t providing answers to key questions such as Why Am I Here, Am I In Control of My Destiny, and Why Does My Sister Get the Mercedes While I Get Stuck With the Range Rover. Apparently, these kids are so thirsty for the kind of knowledge you can’t get in a stupid school house, they’ve formed their own mini religion, the Orgonite Society, following the teachings of cult leader Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.
Jaden has really dived headfirst into this radical movement. He thinks he is a ‘philosopher’ and Willow is just as into it
Like most cult leaders, Rajneesh writes a lot of books that the children of wealthy parents can buy for $19.95 and pretend they’re tuned into something greater than their fellow mall rats. Meanwhile, Rajneesh bangs the snot out the not fat cult members and gets all the good drugs. Also, his group back in 1984 kinda sorta contaminated local restaurant salad bars with salmonella because their pyramid crystals told them get that shit done. The actor kids in Calabasas lack the ambition for much plotting, plus they don’t dine at midscale restaurants with salad bars, so mostly count on lots of Jaden Smith tweets about knowledge, Willow Smith talking about how her kid body belongs to the Tree Gods and occasionally 20-year old Moises Arias, and Kylie Jenner getting her nails done on camera. The latter is more about funding. Every cult needs a Tom Cruise to bankroll the picnics.
It’s hard to see how this all could go horribly wrong. Sorry, I mean, it’s hard to see how we will give a shit when this inevitably all goes horribly wrong.