Jaime King Can’t Stop

By Lex April 17, 2015 @ 12:06 PM

Jaime King Wears See Through Dress While Pregnant
Jaime King just can’t get over the fact that some unhappy dudes on the Internet say means things to women about their bodies. I relate to the feeling. I once read a post from this guy in Indiana who claimed Attack of the Clones is the best Star Wars film. I couldn’t sleep for weeks knowing that tidal wave of thought was out there. King could take into consideration that some small slice of every population just outright sucks, but then she’d have nothing to tout in Elle magazine about gestational shaming:

Nobody’s standing up to say this is wrong. Pregnancy is very sacred and important moment in someone’s life. [But] the fact is that nobody should be body shamed. Nobody should be torn apart for being too thin or too fat or too this or too that.”

One percent of people on social media are writing plainly nasty comments. Four percent are chanting Death to America and posting beheading photos with LOLs. Ten percent are posting pictures of cats. The vast majority are still vegetable like sycophants who will give you a ‘go girl’ just for re-hashing empty slogans. You’re going to be fine. I mean, maybe order a sandwich or something. You are eating for one now. Body shamed!

Photo Credit: Getty

Jaime King Must Resist Body Shaming

By Lex April 06, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Jaime King Super Thin While Pregnant
If there’s one thing Jaime King learned during hours sobbing over harsh online criticisms of Kim Kardashian’s bloated pregnancy candids it’s that you simply have to ignore the body shaming haters. Also, nobody can make fun of you for being pregnant fat when you’re sporting the Bataan Death March look during gestation. That gurgling sound you hear is the tummy of her fetus longing for sustenance. The soundtrack they blare in Pilates takes care of that. I dare you to make a fat joke about Jaime King. Speak it into her left ear where she still has circulation. It’s not body shaming if you’re saving lives.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jaime King Seems Acutely Sensitive

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 12:52 PM

Kim-Kardashian-Met-Ball-2013

Jaime King claims that witnessing Kim Kardashian bashed online for being huge and pregnant at the Met Ball two years ago made her cry for five hours. That seems like an awful long time. Especially when learning about The Holocaust in school only elicited a mild grimace.

It was so stunning to me that people thought that that was okay — not only okay but they condoned it.They would not even think about the way it would affect her mental health and the child’s health…. What kind of world are we living in now where this is okay, where our bodies are being essentially sold to the highest bidder regarding their comments and that we are just put up on a cross to be persecuted?

Alright, simmer down there, wildly fortunate blond model Jesus. Consider the remote possibility that people simply don’t like Kim Kardashian. Also, that having a baby out of wedlock with a manic rapper in front of television cameras for money might be worse for baby’s health than Twitter jokes about mom looking like grandma’s couch or just a plain old fat whore. I wrote that latter one at the time, so I’d like some ‘called it’ points.

Here’s Jaime King posting photos of herself pregnant without clothes on to help bring dignity to pregnant women everywhere. Also, twelve thousand new joins on her Instagram account.

Jaime-King-Naked-on-Instagram

Photo credit: Getty Images

Jaime King Watered Down Shit

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 6:35 AM

Fiji

Pregnant blowhard actress Jaime King went on an Instagram rant about the evils of Fiji brand water in which she failed to mention herself as part of the problem since another photo on her account shows she totes it around with her:

“I’m sure the people of Fiji would like Fiji water too but unfortunately they can’t have any because some big business decided that they now own the water in Fiji. But hey ho, keep paying top dollar for those bottles of water, as long as oppression is it on your door step, am i right?”

Ironically King appears to disapprove of the ignorant douchebags who are mean or dumb enough to buy Fiji water. Either that or she’s in favor of oppressing natives and is talking with her pocket book. The masses should indeed avoid Fiji while King pours it into her jacuzzi and flushes her taint with it. King continued her self righteous bullshit which could be heard well into the night on that floating plastic island in the Pacific she sheds tears over:

“Oppression is not at my doorstep… (Ironically, I grew up with my father taking care of the tenements and section 8 housing, collecting quarters out of washing machines and cleaning broken toilets) there are many forms of oppression. Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and beyond. These things are immeasurable as they are relative to one’s life experiences.”

Tell me to save gas and fly on a private jet. Cry about the dolphins and pop a can of Bumble Bee. If you were a dude you’d have no friends. The indigenous people are thirsty. Row over there in a long boat and bring them their water back, you righteous twat.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Taylor Swift Claims Jaime King’s Unborn

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 12:25 PM

Taylor Swift Named Godmother to Jaime Kings Spawn LB
Jaime King suffered three hundred and forty seven miscarriages to bring her latest baby to fruition. One could take the gestational hardship as a sign that it was time to click out to MalawiBabiesNow.com. Or that Taylor Swift would come to lay hands upon her unborn child and announce the Dark Lord of Allentown Adjacent was pleased indeed. King and Swift announced on Instagram that Swift would be named godmother and false humility coach to King’s soon to be baby boy. Tyler Perry already snatched up Oprah so if you’re looking for the $200 million in the bank club, you’re down to Taylor Swift or Shelly Sterling, and Shelly Sterling can’t turn the Hokey Pokey with different words into a platinum selling single.

Photo Credit: Instagram/WWTDD Archives

Jessica Alba Made Another Movie

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 2:24 PM

Jaime King And Jessica Alba At The Premiere For 'Sin City- A Dame To Kill For' In Hollywood
Jessica Alba has been telling everybody who will listen and owns a ladies magazine that she’s finally become confident with her own sexuality. I too am finally confident with her sexuality. I bet the journey was more rigorous for her. In honor of our mutual desire to touch her repeatedly in her privates, I’m inviting a half-dozen Northeastern liberal arts college girls to watch the women in Sin City 2 portray empowered devious strippers who get beaten and screwed and maybe find strong men to stick up for them. We’ll all have a good laugh after the film as feminists draw me into the alley way for an emasculating assault.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Getty