Jaime King Finally Gives Birth

By Matt July 21, 2015 @ 6:14 AM

King

Superbly uninteresting piglet Jaime King finally shitted out her kid. King apparently believed the entire country was obsessively counting down to this moment and her husband showed her a taped Times Square ball dropping from the millennium celebration and then called her pretending to be Barack Obama offering congratulations. She believed him because she’s a retarded egomaniac who thinks she’s the only person to ever become pregant. It seemed for a minute the incessant distended belly lingerie pics would halt on Instagram but King didn’t skip a beat and is moving right into the breastfeeding pics because their stringent community standards didn’t allow a live feed of the birth or any subsequent vagina pics. King has no job to speak of, with bullet point number one on her resume being she’s friends with Taylor Swift. Outside of that she’s capable of talking shit about bottled water and bleaching her anus with organic peroxide. King will no doubt document her feeding of the child to a chorus of online applause and god willing an instructional video. No word how the couple pays their rent. I don’t often use the term hero. Cunt much more often.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jaime King Needs Attention

By Matt July 13, 2015 @ 6:18 AM

JK

Potential candidate for worst person in the world Jaime King did an interview with American Baby magazine where she dished on her theories behind the 9/11 attacks and the state of unrest in Syria. That’s a lie. Though it would have been hilarious. She actually just talked about how people comment on her dumb fucking Instagram page regarding her rather grotesque distended belly porn snaps which she feels are empowering to herself and in a secondary sense all of humanity:

“People have made comments about how I’m too thin and need to eat a sandwich. I’ve seen it happen with other pregnant women in this business too, we’re either too thin or put on too much weight.”

The horror. Get a job. We all know those chicks who were kidnapped by Boko Haram are reeling in anguish from the terrorists suggesting they are marginally thin. The days get lonely in that house you inexplicably live in while your husband’s IMDB page boasts of a Mentos commercial and an industrial for Lee Jeans. Eat a sandwich or don’t. Shit out your kid and shut the fuck up. Enjoy the bridge club.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jaime King Can’t Stop

By Lex April 17, 2015 @ 12:06 PM

Jaime King Wears See Through Dress While Pregnant
Jaime King just can’t get over the fact that some unhappy dudes on the Internet say means things to women about their bodies. I relate to the feeling. I once read a post from this guy in Indiana who claimed Attack of the Clones is the best Star Wars film. I couldn’t sleep for weeks knowing that tidal wave of thought was out there. King could take into consideration that some small slice of every population just outright sucks, but then she’d have nothing to tout in Elle magazine about gestational shaming:

Nobody’s standing up to say this is wrong. Pregnancy is very sacred and important moment in someone’s life. [But] the fact is that nobody should be body shamed. Nobody should be torn apart for being too thin or too fat or too this or too that.”

One percent of people on social media are writing plainly nasty comments. Four percent are chanting Death to America and posting beheading photos with LOLs. Ten percent are posting pictures of cats. The vast majority are still vegetable like sycophants who will give you a ‘go girl’ just for re-hashing empty slogans. You’re going to be fine. I mean, maybe order a sandwich or something. You are eating for one now. Body shamed!

Photo Credit: Getty

Jaime King Must Resist Body Shaming

By Lex April 06, 2015 @ 9:10 AM

Jaime King Super Thin While Pregnant
If there’s one thing Jaime King learned during hours sobbing over harsh online criticisms of Kim Kardashian’s bloated pregnancy candids it’s that you simply have to ignore the body shaming haters. Also, nobody can make fun of you for being pregnant fat when you’re sporting the Bataan Death March look during gestation. That gurgling sound you hear is the tummy of her fetus longing for sustenance. The soundtrack they blare in Pilates takes care of that. I dare you to make a fat joke about Jaime King. Speak it into her left ear where she still has circulation. It’s not body shaming if you’re saving lives.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jaime King Seems Acutely Sensitive

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 12:52 PM

Kim-Kardashian-Met-Ball-2013

Jaime King claims that witnessing Kim Kardashian bashed online for being huge and pregnant at the Met Ball two years ago made her cry for five hours. That seems like an awful long time. Especially when learning about The Holocaust in school only elicited a mild grimace.

It was so stunning to me that people thought that that was okay — not only okay but they condoned it.They would not even think about the way it would affect her mental health and the child’s health…. What kind of world are we living in now where this is okay, where our bodies are being essentially sold to the highest bidder regarding their comments and that we are just put up on a cross to be persecuted?

Alright, simmer down there, wildly fortunate blond model Jesus. Consider the remote possibility that people simply don’t like Kim Kardashian. Also, that having a baby out of wedlock with a manic rapper in front of television cameras for money might be worse for baby’s health than Twitter jokes about mom looking like grandma’s couch or just a plain old fat whore. I wrote that latter one at the time, so I’d like some ‘called it’ points.

Here’s Jaime King posting photos of herself pregnant without clothes on to help bring dignity to pregnant women everywhere. Also, twelve thousand new joins on her Instagram account.

Jaime-King-Naked-on-Instagram

Photo credit: Getty Images

Jaime King Watered Down Shit

By Matt March 18, 2015 @ 6:35 AM

Fiji

Pregnant blowhard actress Jaime King went on an Instagram rant about the evils of Fiji brand water in which she failed to mention herself as part of the problem since another photo on her account shows she totes it around with her:

“I’m sure the people of Fiji would like Fiji water too but unfortunately they can’t have any because some big business decided that they now own the water in Fiji. But hey ho, keep paying top dollar for those bottles of water, as long as oppression is it on your door step, am i right?”

Ironically King appears to disapprove of the ignorant douchebags who are mean or dumb enough to buy Fiji water. Either that or she’s in favor of oppressing natives and is talking with her pocket book. The masses should indeed avoid Fiji while King pours it into her jacuzzi and flushes her taint with it. King continued her self righteous bullshit which could be heard well into the night on that floating plastic island in the Pacific she sheds tears over:

“Oppression is not at my doorstep… (Ironically, I grew up with my father taking care of the tenements and section 8 housing, collecting quarters out of washing machines and cleaning broken toilets) there are many forms of oppression. Physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and beyond. These things are immeasurable as they are relative to one’s life experiences.”

Tell me to save gas and fly on a private jet. Cry about the dolphins and pop a can of Bumble Bee. If you were a dude you’d have no friends. The indigenous people are thirsty. Row over there in a long boat and bring them their water back, you righteous twat.

Photo Credit: Instagram