Kevin Hart Has Sage Advice For Jameis Winston

By Matt November 20, 2014 @ 6:45 AM

Sometimes brevity is a virtue. Especially when you’re talking to a dude who in all likelihood is two concussions shy of brain dead. Kevin Hart took his visit to Florida State as an opportunity to talk some sense into Jamies Winston which he summed up artfully as “You need to stop doing dumb shit.” He then proceeded to make fun of Winston for stealing crab legs as Winston stood by looking like a kid getting accused of shitting his pants on the bus after he just shit his pants on the bus. Referencing Winston’s actual theft was a tactful move instead of just coming at him with generic insults at the risk of Winston attacking him with a bear claw. No word on whether his words will hold water for Winston but with any luck he’ll remember getting embarrassed by a midget next time his impulses urge him to commit a felony.

Jameis Winston On A Roll

By Matt November 11, 2014 @ 7:22 AM

Winston

Jameis Winston is being investigated by the NCAA for point shaving in a recent game so his buddy could win a bet. His teammates think the allegations are complete bullshit because Winston is a stand up dude when he’s not pinning down girls and stealing seafood to use with the seasonings a booster gave him. Also he’s a very good quarterback. A backup lineman they could see for who he really is.

Winston allegedly tanked the first half of a game against Louisville so his buddy could win $5,000 and immediately parlay it into a brick of fake pot to sell on frat row. This is one of those cases where there seems to be no evidence against a guy who seems to be guilt of everything. Either way, FSU loyalists are going to have this kid’s back. If it came out he has been plotting an armed jewelry heist in Belgrade most Seminole fans would nod in acceptance and then immediately mention his volunteer work in the community.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Jameis Winston Is A Stand Up Guy

By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 6:03 AM

JW

Florida State quarterback and aspiring future ex-con Jameis Winston has been suspended for the first half of his next game because he stood on a table in the student union and screamed “Fuck her right in the pussy” multiple times. It must have been pretty noticeable because half of Florida State’s bottom quadrant campus population took the time to sign up for Twitter and advertise their animal sighting. Normally this would be considered typical juvenile behavior, but coming from a guy with a fairly credible rape allegation hanging over his head, it’s a poor choice of blurts .

This pop culture phrase of the week hasn’t been funny since the leaves turned, but when you spend most of your days stuffing shellfish into your coat pockets you tend to miss out on a few things. The suspension seems like an overreaction to a no harm, no foul situation, but maybe its a good idea to put Winston in his place. You get the feeling he’s just testing the waters with a room full of teens while representing the proud Seminole tradition of driving a new SUV and having your mother move to a prefabricated track home in suburban Orlando the day you sign your commitment letter. Winston is clearly warming up for an Aaron Hernandez inspired crescendo of lunacy, but sitting out two quarters of a game only to come back in the second half and lead his team to victory will surely tame his ego.

Photo Credit: Getty ImagesĀ 

AJ McCarron’s Mom Is a Not Racist

By Lex January 07, 2014 @ 4:05 PM

AJ McCarron’s mom, who I guess tweets about football since she did birth out a decent ball player, made fun of Jameis Winston’s oral communication skills after the BCS Championship Game. Then she got called a racist by a bunch of people because Jameis Winston is black so his dumb speaking is to be treated more gingerly than dumb white guys. You know, like how everybody decided not to make fun of George Bush for sounding like a guy who suffered too many concussions. AJ’s mom Dee Dee knew her comment wasn’t mean to be racist. It was merely an unnecessary slam derived from pettiness and jealousy. Nevertheless, she followed modern protocol by deleting her tweet and tweeting an apology using horrible teen girl text lingo:

I’m prepared to call everybody a loser in this situation. AJ McCarron for not insisting his mom stop tweeting. Dee Dee McCarron for lacking the courage to stand behind her bitter sports fan tweets. Everybody who let Jameis Winston get to be his age and high profile without teaching him how to speak properly. Auburn. And to some extent, our humanity died a little bit. But mostly Auburn.