Jared Leto was tasked with the obligatory awards ceremony ode to third world suffering felt heavily by wealthy celebrities because of how many foreign speaking nannies and gardeners they employ. Also, many of them are presently fucking Czech models. Leto read a note from a guy whose wife was killed by the terrorists in Paris who refused to hate Muslim extremists who left him a single dad because that would only beget more violence. He then changed his relationship status on Facebook to ‘Yeah, I’m That Guy’ and watched the pussy roll right on in.
Leto reminded the audience that many people are the sons and daughters of immigrants, including Steve Jobs and Barack Obama. Also, the entire rest of the country not named Running Deer. It was a great chance to pan the camera to the sad fat face of anybody in the audience who didn’t look quite white or black and was crying. Leto concluded his teleprompter Gettysburg by introducing Celine Dion, who apologized for having no room at any of her eleven residences to house Syrian refugees, but she heard Iowa is beautiful in the winter and reminds Syrians a lot of their homeland. Help is one of those words better left in the concept stage.
Jared Leto posted a shirtless pic of himself wearing a fannypack, which conveniently contained a link to his merch page. On the site you can buy his dumb fucking hipster fanny pack for $32.00 or a photo book he made about Haiti or a poster which says “Sleep. Dream. Wake. Attack. Create. Fight. Fuck. Win. Sleep. Dream” followed by the caption “Hurry! We currently have 3 in stock” or a Vegan Leather Cuff, or some Socks. Or you could go down to the hardware store and buy some razor blades while you run a bath. All the shit comes with Leto’s stupid logo he designed for himself so you’ll know who to punch at the Erewhon wheat grass bar.
This confirms my suspicion that Leto is an androgynous Thetan from another galaxy. You just won an Oscar and you’re slinging fanny packs? I’m not seeing the end game here. Clearly he’s being programmed by outside forces to embody different living beings and hawk merch for David Miscavige. His Dallas Buyers performance was annoying but didn’t sound any alarms. I’m calling the Men in Black on this one. Mormons, activate.
Hipster pretty boy Jesus Jared Leto will be playing the Joker in the new Suicide Squad movie from DC Comics. This officially proves there is no God and adults who read comic books should be chemically castrated yesterday.
Alexis Arquette, the tranny Arquette sister I guess, claims that he schlobbled Jared Leto’s man parts and that it was wonderful. According to Arquette, Leto’s dick was like something out of the movie Gladiator. I’m not sure what the fuck that means. Does it look like Russell Crowe overacting?
Read all about Jared’s throbbing Roman general. (Dlisted)
Keanu Reeves makes the transition to TV because his career is officially over. (Huffington Post)
Nadine Leopold in bra, panties, and garters. You’re welcome. (Popoholic)
PETA named Jared Leto as its sexiest vegetarian of the year. Apparently vegans get moist before the emaciated effeminate Jesus look. It’s all part of PETA’s master plan to turn us all into a bunch of herbivore bait. Not me, PETA. I will eat you and shit you out like corn before I let you take away my cheeseburger.
Find out why the celery fellators picked Jordan Catalano as their ultra hunk. (NY Daily News)