Jared Leto’s Cock And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 19, 2014 @ 1:17 PM

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Alexis Arquette, the tranny Arquette sister I guess, claims that he schlobbled Jared Leto’s man parts and that it was wonderful. According to Arquette, Leto’s dick was like something out of the movie Gladiator. I’m not sure what the fuck that means. Does it look like Russell Crowe overacting?

Read all about Jared’s throbbing Roman general. (Dlisted)

Keanu Reeves makes the transition to TV because his career is officially over. (Huffington Post)

Nadine Leopold in bra, panties, and garters. You’re welcome. (Popoholic)

Nina Dobrev does that ice bucket shit in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Chris Brown trades in kicking women for kicking a kickball. (Celebslam)

Jessica Lowndes getting all sweaty in exercise videos. (COED)

Katy Perry and her bikini body went to a water park. (The Superficial)

Jared Leto Grazes Sexy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack June 26, 2014 @ 4:36 PM

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PETA named Jared Leto as its sexiest vegetarian of the year. Apparently vegans get moist before the emaciated effeminate Jesus look. It’s all part of PETA’s master plan to turn us all into a bunch of herbivore bait. Not me, PETA. I will eat you and shit you out like corn before I let you take away my cheeseburger.

Find out why the celery fellators picked Jordan Catalano as their ultra hunk. (NY Daily News)

Kim Kardashian showed off her blond hair in a bra and nobody cared. (Drunken Stepfather)

Do you want to see a video of Spencer Pratt getting attacked by a dog? Fuck yeah! (Gawker)

Chrissy Teigen shows off her chimichangas to GQ Mexico. (Huffington Post)

Scientists found the world’s oldest shit; I could show them the world’s newest. (io9)

Would you like a summer internship with the Wu-Tang Clan? Sho nuff. (COED)

Miley Cyrus will show you all ten of her genitals before her tour is over.  (Egotastic)

Venezuela’s Government Hates Jared Leto

By Jack March 03, 2014 @ 2:14 PM

The crypto-Commie fuckers in the Venezuelan government think that Hollywood is out to get them. That’s because a couple of times during last night’s Oscars, Hollywood ceased auto-fellatio mode long enough to show support for anti-government protesters in Venezuela. There have been mass demonstrations, (or as we call them in America: scary CNN riots), over the continuing mismanagement of the government by the faltering Maduro government. But according to the Minister of Communications Delcy Rodriguez, it’s just a conspiracy by right wing extremists in Hollywood to defame poor little Venezuela. She says,

“Extremists of the right are lobbying in Hollywood looking for statements against Venezuela during the Oscar awards ceremony. This worldwide smear campaign against our Fatherland enjoys the support of a powerful media platform at the service of imperial interests!”

I’m afraid Delcy flunked out of socialist dictator apologist school. Yes, Delcy, if that is your real fake Che Guevara inspired name, Jared Leto is a conservative firebrand in America. He’s just to the right of the Duck Commander. 30 Seconds to Mars is his cover for spreading the neo-con imperialist message to control Latin America through the Dole Fruit company. Also, are you really using the term Fatherland to promote your nation? Was Third Reich not available as a Venezuelan dot com domain? This kind of makes it official, I’m un-following Venezuela on Twitter and Facebook until this chick gets beheaded.

That One’s Married, Taylor Swift

By Travis January 14, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

It probably surprised no one that Bono and U2 won a Golden Globe for their song from Mandela, just weeks after the guy died, but it’s fun to pretend that Taylor Swift immediately found the lead singer at the Weinstein Company’s Golden Globes after party on Sunday night to either give him a piece of her mind or try to date him. Taylor apparently partied her losing troubles away, as she danced with that Modern Family actress who looks like she’s 10 and some other girls, before she finally found the subject of her next album in Jared Leto. Did Taylor and Jared end up leaving the party together before having an hour’s worth of the most boring sex ever imagined? Probably, what am I, a fucking clairvoyant?

Photo Credits: Getty