By Lex August 06, 2014 @ 10:04 AM
Jay Z’s in a fucking pickle. It’s bad when even the chicks you’re not boning outside your marriage are performing songs about how you wanted to bone them. Some self-described rapper chick named Liv made a music video in her apartment by the freeway where she plays Outkast’s Sorry Ms. Jackson and changes the lyrics to Sorry Mrs. Carter. Then she says a whole bunch of stuff about Jay Z being a cheating pimp, how he wanted to doink her in the privates, but didn’t, and how Beyonce ought to have known better than to marry him. She also mentions Monica Lewinsky just to be topical. It’s sort of like a Lifetime movie reinterpreted by a learning challenged twelve year old who figured out how to turn on GarageBand.
The premise that celebrity marriages are supposed to last is a straw-man set up by the media so they can pretend it’s real news when they fall apart. On their wedding night, I’m certain Jay Z knew Beyonce was a self-satisfied high maintenance chick who didn’t need the headache of a cheating husband and Jay Z knew he was the cheating husband. So you plan. One year to pretend you’re in love. One year to produce a fake baby with a stripper name. One year for the lawyers to get involved. This shit is pro forma. There’s no need for horrible fucking music videos. Just an OK! Magazine special with shocking new details about how it all went wrong.
By Jack July 22, 2014 @ 1:30 PM
America’s second most annoying couple, Jay Z and Beyonce, are rumored to be splitting up. The reason seems to be that Jay Z likes to stick his dick in other women while Beyonce’s independently wealthy and doesn’t need that shit.
Read all about the trouble in d-bag paradise. (Huffington Post)
Apparently there is a Miami bikini fashion week and it’s all bikini models (Drunken Stepfather)
Taylor Swift wants you to finish on her legs, that’s implied. (Hollywood Tuna)
Miley Cyrus takes a topless selfie in the desert because why the fuck not? (Popoholic)
Jonah Hill came to officiate Adam Levine’s wedding; he stayed for cake. (Fish Wrapper)
Alexandria Morgan running in a sports bra in slow motion? Yes please! (COED)
Conor Oberst decided to not sue the woman who falsely accused him of rape. What a guy. (Dlisted)
By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 3:53 PM
You know I, thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
Cause I don’t fucking need em
Take em out the hood, keep em looking good
But I don’t fucking feed em
First time they fuss I’m breezing
Talking bout, what’s the reasons
I’m a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch
Truer words have never been spoken. Jay Z and Beyonce are working out their marital problems to the tune of half a million a night this summer. Let’s get divorced, but not until we are flush. Then I”ll revenge kick your sister’s ass and we go our separate ways. That’s a fucking plan. I like the fact that Beyonce can really sing and does really have a nice ass. It’s like finding a supermodel who understands how to play tic-tac-toe to a draw every time. Marry that woman. Then let the rest of watch her shake her sweet jolly on a scaffold.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Lex June 13, 2014 @ 1:15 PM
You know people are serious when they send the cease and desist letter. Those cost you about a buck fifty now on Legal Zoom. Casey Cohen sent one to Bauer Media because they own In Touch and Life and Style magazine that first printed the story about the nightclub hostess, art major, and reality TV performer (damn, she’s triple booked) riding Jay Z’s scratchy thing. The last thing a nightclub hostess from Long Island wants is unwanted attention for sleeping with famous celebrities. I guess Jay Z didn’t feel the same because he’s yet to log onto Legal Zoom.
Casey’s letters call the allegations “foul and phony” and says she’s never been “in love with or intimate with Jay Z”, excluding hundred dollar tips teased into her panties, naturally. You may recall that Tom Cruise sued the same magazine in 2012 for $50 million for claiming he abandoned that pain in the ass Suri after his divorce from Katie Holmes. Tom eventually settled the case for a half-hearted apology from Bauer when he was informed the deposing attorneys could ask him about licking Nutella off of Icelandic mens’ nut sacks while his daughter was in New York crying in her bed wondering where daddy was. Casey Cohen doesn’t have the legal muster of Tom Cruise and his Xenu backed intergalactic militia, so expect Bauer to stick to the unassailable validity of their anonymous, single sourced story.
Photo credit: CaseyLCohen/Instagram
By Travis May 15, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Unless someone involved comes forward and explains what happened in this now infamous elevator footage from a Met Gala after party at the Standard Hotel, we’ll simply never know the truth about why Solange Knowles attacked Jay Z. But the good news is that we don’t need to know anything else, because the hotel has finally determined who sold the elevator surveillance footage in the first place, and that employee has been fired with extreme prejudice, according to the Daily Mail. So let this be a lesson to all of you opportunistic employees out there who think you can make a quick buck off of your company’s confidential video that reveals celebrities beating the shit out each other. Yes, TMZ will pay you $250,000 for that video that you obtained illegally, but you will be fired. And then what are you left with? A quarter of a million dollars and a new job that you’ll probably find a in a few weeks. Justice is served.
By Lex May 14, 2014 @ 3:04 PM
I don’t care if you’re trying to shut up your 50-year younger Latina hooker so you can keep your NBA franchise or your old lady’s feisty little sister tried to kick your ass in an elevator, you can never go wrong with a big-ass blood diamond to squelch that nonsense. After Solange Knowles and her Ninja afro tried to take out Jay-Z in an elevator, it was clear that an expensive rapprochement was in order. Jay-Z must’ve recalled when Kobe accidentally ass-raped that hotel concierge in Colorado and then had to buy his wife a million dollar ring to get her to tell the press that Kobe was the sweetest kindest ass-rapist she’d ever known. So Jay-Z was reportedly spotted taking Solange into a jewelry store in Manhattan for a little browsing. Lots of guys wouldn’t put up with being girl assaulted by their sister-in-law, but Jay-Z didn’t get to where he is today by not taking the rapper road less rapper traveled. Just buy them some bling and shut them the fuck up so you can go back to work. I’d vote Jay-Z for President.
Photo Credit: Getty