Casey Kasem Unplugged

By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 6:10 PM

Casey-Kasem-and-Jean-Kasem-in-Happier-Times

Casey Kasem’s kids move fast. After retrieving their severely ailing dad from their questionably sane stepmom, they moved to have all of dad’s life support shut down so that he could rest in peace. It’s unclear why step mom Jean Kasem was so intent on keeping her near vegetative state husband alive and away from her kids. We do know she likes to make up passages from the bible while hurling ground beef. Could it be the $80 million Casey is apparently worth? Who gets that when Casey’s feet are no longer on the ground and reaching for the stars? Jean yelled out a final ‘His blood is on your hands!’ to the kids after the judges ruling allowing tubes to be removed. That should help start the healing.

I’m told by all the helpful headlines that this kind of end of life shit is going to be more and more common with divorce booms of the 60′s and 70′s now coming home to blended family roost. I’d suggest a one-page form for every person of certain age to mark off and sign. A simple list: Fuck My Current Spouse, Fuck My Ex-Spouse(s), Fuck My Stupid Kids, Give It All to My Cat, Mr. Dithers. Check off all that apply. So long, Casey, you probably deserved better than this.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Casey Kasem Made His Bed Now He’s Getting Bed Sores In It

By Lex June 03, 2014 @ 5:15 PM

Kasey And Jean Kasem At The 2003 Museum of Television & Radio's Annual Los Angeles Gala
There’s nothing wrong with being a 50-year old guy marrying a big buxom blond squeeze half your age. That’s why you became rich and famous and supported no fault divorces in the first place. But you’re still subject to the natural laws of man. Once you get past shtupping age, that same once upon trophy wife is going to be running your shit when you’re old and ailing. At some point, even the most ardent cocksman needs to think survival mode and find himself a frumpy significant other who is caring and selfless and not currently being treated for psychosis. You don’t want to wind up like Casey Kasem with dementia and bed sores being stashed away from your children by a crazy wigged thug with trucker arms misquoting biblical verses and tossing a pound of ground round at your daughter who’s come to rescue you:

“In the name of King David, I threw a piece of raw meat into the street in exchange for my husband to the wild rabid dogs” — Jean Kasem to Casey’s daughter and paramedics who came to take Casey to the hospital

I got ten people on my block at any given time misquoting the bible aloud, but the throwing of the meat, that’s impressively crazy. You know who doesn’t throw raw meat? Kindly old Jessica Tandy or Anne B. Davis before she died. That song about marrying an ugly girl if you want to be happy for the rest of your life is utter bullshit. Until your 70, then I’d pay close attention.

Photo Credit: Getty