Jennette McCurdy Might Get Canceled

By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 4:01 PM

Completely unfounded and unsubstantiated reports seem to indicate that the decent and upstanding executives at Viacom might cancel the Sam & Cat show on Nickelodeon because its co-star Jennette McCurdy had photos of her titties in lingerie leaking across the Internet. Apparently, this pushed the standards beyond what is acceptable for the television distributors of Teen Mom and Buckwild. Of course, they’re not really going to cancel shit if it’s making money. They’d livestream honor killings of raped preteens in Pakistan if they could find a lucrative sponsor. That’s show business. It also demands that something futile be done by somebody in trumped up reaction to the lingerie photos and the very lonely mildly retarded people who complain how they somehow hurt the children. What if these kids grow up to wear lingerie themselves? Fuck, that would be horrible. While Jennette McCurdy remains completely ashamed at looking super hot, she can probably count on playing a goofy brand-safe teenager on television until she’s 40.

Jennette McCurdy Is Feeling Ashamed

By Lex March 04, 2014 @ 1:46 PM

Charles Barkley was right. Being a role model is just too fucking hard. Jennette McCurdy has tried her darndest to be a role model for young women. That involves all the pro forma checkboxes of telling girls to be themselves, talking about your favorite lipstick, and giggle about kissing boys when you’re boning an NBA baller on the QT. Jennette McCurdy was seeing Andre Drummond, then broke up, then called him a bad kisser, so he went all high school and leaked naughty lingerie photos she’d sent him during their brief romance. ¬†Now, she’s super ashamed. I mean, really truly ashamed.

Look right there. Ashamed emoticon. That’s the teen text girl version of driving a nail through your palm during Easter self-flagellation rituals in the Philippines. It’s always best to appear contrite when you’re looking to maintain those G-rated girl sponsorships rolling. I think with Miley plugging her vagina with various arena concession stand items nightly, you’re probably good with a few leaked lingerie photos. You have amazing tits. In the history of time, nobody’s ever been hurt from people knowing they have great tits. We’ll get through this, as a team. Now, how about you send your teammate some nudies?

Jennette McCurdy Has Overcome Her Body Issues

By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 4:25 PM

Women like to complain about how women complain about not looking good enough. It’s the female circle of life. I guess it sucks. I’m not sure body shaming articles like Jennette McCurdy’s in the Wall Street Journal are going to do much to counter millions of years of female evolution. The bitches be competitive kitties, dontcha know. The Nickelodeon TV star does use the word ‘dichotomy’ so this article could be the horcrux of female self-worth that finally allows women to truly revel in their chub rub.

I had a two-year span where I was so self-conscious and uncomfortable with my body that I would dress more provocatively to events and in photos because I looked to comments of praise to fulfill me and give me the confidence I lacked. I needed affirmation to feel comfortable. I was caught up in the whirlwind that is beauty.

I’m going to guess these ¬†leaked photos of Jennette McCurdy in her lingerie were taken during her self-conscious two year window. Or maybe not. That’s the real insidious nature of this female self-judging thing. It never ends. It’s like a herpes sore from a lost debate society weekend in high school that never ever leaves you (I’m speaking metaphorically here, though, damn you Leslie Morales!).