Jennette McCurdy Is No Role Model

By Lex July 25, 2014 @ 12:27 PM

Jennette McCurdy Posts A Sexy Selfie To Instagram
Jennette McCurdy has left Nickelodeon either because at 22 she no longer wants to be criticized for being a horrible role model for young girls every time she cracks a beer open with her ample tits or because they wouldn’t pay her enough to keep up the charade of tween innocence. Things all started going downhill when Jenette’s NBA boyfriend maybe leaked private photos of her in her lingerie. It was kind of a 1-2 I’m naughty and I’m boning a black man punch for the Nickelodeon audience moms of America. I guess they missed her 5,000 body selfies posted to Instagram previously. The most recent one of her tits and stomach above. Jennette has had enough of the backlash. She posted a Charles Barkley I’m no role model rant on Reddit:

To remove myself from the role model battle, the falsified standard set by the bubblegum industry, is — in my eyes — to remove myself from the counterintuitive battle of attempting to be something perfect while being glaringly aware of my imperfections.

I think that makes sense. She likes cock and showing off her tits and wants to smoke some weed without being called a whore traitor. and horrible role model for young girls. When she’s truly ready for that conversion, she’ll start speaking more plainly and less like a Vassar Freshman in her first English Lit class. Until then, make them feel your wrath, Jennette. Post some really raunchy shit. Make them all pay!

Photo Credit: Jennette McCurdy/Instagram

Jennette McCurdy Might Get Canceled

By Lex March 11, 2014 @ 4:01 PM

Completely unfounded and unsubstantiated reports seem to indicate that the decent and upstanding executives at Viacom might cancel the Sam & Cat show on Nickelodeon because its co-star Jennette McCurdy had photos of her titties in lingerie leaking across the Internet. Apparently, this pushed the standards beyond what is acceptable for the television distributors of Teen Mom and Buckwild. Of course, they’re not really going to cancel shit if it’s making money. They’d livestream honor killings of raped preteens in Pakistan if they could find a lucrative sponsor. That’s show business. It also demands that something futile be done by somebody in trumped up reaction to the lingerie photos and the very lonely mildly retarded people who complain how they somehow hurt the children. What if these kids grow up to wear lingerie themselves? Fuck, that would be horrible. While Jennette McCurdy remains completely ashamed at looking super hot, she can probably count on playing a goofy brand-safe teenager on television until she’s 40.

Jennette McCurdy Is Feeling Ashamed

By Lex March 04, 2014 @ 1:46 PM

Charles Barkley was right. Being a role model is just too fucking hard. Jennette McCurdy has tried her darndest to be a role model for young women. That involves all the pro forma checkboxes of telling girls to be themselves, talking about your favorite lipstick, and giggle about kissing boys when you’re boning an NBA baller on the QT. Jennette McCurdy was seeing Andre Drummond, then broke up, then called him a bad kisser, so he went all high school and leaked naughty lingerie photos she’d sent him during their brief romance.  Now, she’s super ashamed. I mean, really truly ashamed.

Look right there. Ashamed emoticon. That’s the teen text girl version of driving a nail through your palm during Easter self-flagellation rituals in the Philippines. It’s always best to appear contrite when you’re looking to maintain those G-rated girl sponsorships rolling. I think with Miley plugging her vagina with various arena concession stand items nightly, you’re probably good with a few leaked lingerie photos. You have amazing tits. In the history of time, nobody’s ever been hurt from people knowing they have great tits. We’ll get through this, as a team. Now, how about you send your teammate some nudies?

Jennette McCurdy Has Overcome Her Body Issues

By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 4:25 PM

Women like to complain about how women complain about not looking good enough. It’s the female circle of life. I guess it sucks. I’m not sure body shaming articles like Jennette McCurdy’s in the Wall Street Journal are going to do much to counter millions of years of female evolution. The bitches be competitive kitties, dontcha know. The Nickelodeon TV star does use the word ‘dichotomy’ so this article could be the horcrux of female self-worth that finally allows women to truly revel in their chub rub.

I had a two-year span where I was so self-conscious and uncomfortable with my body that I would dress more provocatively to events and in photos because I looked to comments of praise to fulfill me and give me the confidence I lacked. I needed affirmation to feel comfortable. I was caught up in the whirlwind that is beauty.

I’m going to guess these  leaked photos of Jennette McCurdy in her lingerie were taken during her self-conscious two year window. Or maybe not. That’s the real insidious nature of this female self-judging thing. It never ends. It’s like a herpes sore from a lost debate society weekend in high school that never ever leaves you (I’m speaking metaphorically here, though, damn you Leslie Morales!).