Snooki Got Married

By Lex December 01, 2014 @ 1:44 PM

Snooki Gets Married While JWoww Wears Low Cut Dress In NYC
While you weren’t caring, Snooki ornately married the first dude who didn’t ask to finish on her tits. He’s a good solid something or other who accepts the fact Snooki looks radically altered from when they first met. I can see dramatic plastic surgery having a positive effect on a relationship. Whether you’re married to a great looking woman or a reality TV box troll that reeks of agar, at some point you want to wake up to a different face. You could cheat, but that’s messy, and she’s your meal ticket. You’ve already got the same STDs, why expand your viral collage. Just hit up the doctor with his chisel and acid bath and ask him to make your chick a new face every eighteen months. It’s mostly a reductive art, but at some point you can start packing putty and hay into that burp space and build out again.

Photo Credit: Splash/FameFlynet

Country Troll Is Getting Married, City Troll Comes to Visit

By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 12:49 PM

Snooki And JWoww Celebrate Snookis Bacherlorette Party
Snooki already has some number of babies by some dude I thought she was already married to. I guess that never happened. With a new reality show for the mummified and brain dead, the production team has the nuptials keyed in for the season. Bachelorette parties for sliced-up former cast members of Jersey Shore always score well in the ratings. Especially when one of the cast ends up in tears and dislodges a reasonable portion of their soft clay face. Don’t let the kids watch or they’ll be wetting their beds until their thirty.

I couldn’t be happier for Snooki, but the offspring thing is only going to give us more work when it comes time to mop up the gene pool. If God wanted Snooki to have babies, he would’ve put her vagina more than six inches off the ground.

Photo Credit: INF/FameFlynet

JWoww Wants None Sex

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 9:14 AM

Jenni JWOWW Farley Looking Heavier Out In New York
You don’t get ahead in life without taking risks. Like JWoww declaring she won’t be having sex for at least a year with her boyfriend she forgot to marry before she just had his baby. If it’s not your physical resemblance to a well-worn inflatable sex puppet, the lack of sex and a crying baby ought to seal the deal. I guarantee you ‘Roger’ already has a Tinder profile under a different fake name than the one he gave you when you two first had sex. The good news is you don’t need a man in 2014 to raise a baby. Though a job will become important at some point.

Photo Credit: Splash

Pregnancy Looks Delicious on JWoww

By Lex May 29, 2014 @ 2:47 PM

Jenni JWoww Farley Looking Very Pregnant Out In New York
I’m usually skeptical when people I’ve never heard of start making babies with people I don’t care about, but JWoww certainly seems to be bucking the trend. I admire a woman who takes a big risk of ruining the only thing we ever slightly cared about her so she can have a baby out of wedlock of her own to love. TMZ wasn’t so kind to JWoww, posting these photos of JWoww looking like a 50-something bloated Shanghai madam who badly needs some tiger claw balm and pretending JWoww was a pregnant Lil Kim. Those jokemeisters at TMZ are really on their game today. JWoww didn’t think it was so funny.

JWoww-Twitter-Response-to-TMZ

Like a budding Maya Angelou. JWoww also included a picture of herself looking less super disturbingly Pekingense and flipping the bird. JWoww soon realized she has a makeup line or some other crappy merchandise for the girls so she issued a sort of apology on Instagram laced with a pregnancy victim fat shaming tinge that sits well with corporate advertisers:

Regretting last pic lol not because I don’t think TMZ is a joke and people like them are the reason why are society is so fucked up but because of myself. For one second they made me feel insecure and made me question my hair and makeup today and Roger said ‘you liked how you looked today… You left happy and had no regrets until they wrote something’ he’s write [sic] I felt fine. Then Roger said, ‘your [sic] not weak so stop acting it’ and he’s right, I’m not. So kiss my ass TMZ and every other hater.

For their part, TMZ felt utterly remorseful that JWoww’s angry response got them a million more ad impressions. They promised to write six awesome sports stories not about sports as contrition. As for JWoww, what could she do but hug her baby daddy, that big lug. Just look how blindly supportive he is of the drunk party girl he knocked up. That’s so fucking Roger. I’d be shocked if these two didn’t last until the fairytale sunset.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, AKM-GSI

JWoww Announces Her Pregnancy By Tweeting Picture of Her Brain

By Lex December 26, 2013 @ 3:02 PM

Jenni JWoww Farley Annouces Her Pregnancy On Twitter
J-Woww of Jersey Shore and nothing else ever fame announced on Twitter that she’s having a baby with some guy she previously announced on Twitter was her fiance. Someday we’ll do a historic look back at all the celebrity bastard baby announcements on Twitter and correlate them heavily to the current inpatient population at Promises rehab center in Malibu. Among all the Twitter fans who congratulated JWoww and told her she deserved all the happiness in the world despite no obvious support for that position was her good friend Snooki. In the manner of Jersey Shore custom, JWoww first told Snooki how her bastard baby was perfect and then Snooki told JWoww:

So will urs. Sleep safe, keep hydrated, no Advil or Aleve. No pushing on the toilet either

You’d be surprised how many offspring among their clan are mistaken for hungover morning dumps and absent-mindedly flushed down the drain. In contrast to the kids they intentionally flush down the drain when the baby daddy doesn’t have decent prospects. Watching JWoww and Snooki exchange maternity advice is like reading Your Baby’s First Year books written by two girls who found themselves pregnant by the same deviant orderly at an all women’s asylum. They both deserve so much happiness. Like the whores who give out discounted handies to returning service men. God help this planet.

Photo Credit: Jenni JWoww Farley/Instagram, Twitter

J Woww Shows Off Her Good Side

By Lex July 09, 2013 @ 9:28 AM

Jenni J Woww Farley Hosting Rehab Bikini Invitational At The Hard Rock In Las Vegas
J-Woww has really been pushing the envelope on her skill set of late. By that I mean, she’s now doing profile poses to show off her big fake boobs. It’s a bold move, into the unknown, but what true artist is ever satisfied with the safe and predictable? Also, her scars have healed.

Here’s J-Woww convincing people outside the Hard Rock Hotel Rehab club that if they come inside, the might get to play with tits like she has. In reality, they will end up getting bumped around by coked up William Morris Endeavor junior agents. It’s not nearly as fun.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN