Jennifer Ansiton spent Thanksgiving in Cabo again this year, and even though she’s whiny, spoiled and generally unpleasant, it’s hard to deny that she has nice boobs for an old lady. Unfortunately they’re right between that hagged, frozen face and those stick-like arms. God might as well have put those tits on a mean tree that comes to life in a haunted forest.
Angelina Jolie is in Budapest today, making her directorial debut on a love story set during the Bosnian-Serbian war, and either she thinks genocide is funny or these two still really get along because she was giddy as a little girl when Brad Pitt showed up.
They’ve been together 7 years now, which is 8 years longer than the tabloids said they would be. Jennifer Aniston probably keeps an axe near her TV in case ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’ comes on, and fixates on the fact that Jolie only got the part because Nicole Kidman dropped out and Catherine Zeta Jones turned it down, but I bet Pitt would have left her for Zeta Jones or Kidman too. Why wouldn’t he? That bitch is awful. I’d rather be in a room with that thing in ‘Alien’ that lays eggs in your chest than Jennifer fucking Aniston.
JON MAYER – went on tumblr and said the Huffington Post is “full of shit”, in a 463 word response to a 150 word story that implied he might be back together with Jennifer Aniston. Maybe he overreacted, but let’s see someone blab that you’re dating that fug bitch and see how you like it. (tumblr, huff post)
JEREMY RENNER – has won the lead opposite Tom Cruise in ‘Mission: Impossible 4′, directed by Brad Bird, which will begin production in the fall and film in the U.S., Vancouver, Prague and Dubai. Cruise is expected to star in ‘M:I 5′ as well, but after that the franchise may be handed over to Renner. Actually you can bank on it, because if there’s one thing Hollywood is good at, it’s making long range plans and sticking to it. (deadline)
MATT DAMON – was back today filming scenes for the new season of ’30 Rock’ (which finally got good last year) and Sherri Shepherd posted a picture of them with Tracy Morgan. Damon plays a pilot who dates Tina Fey, while Shepherd plays the last thing a pound of bacon ever sees. (twitpic)
SOPHIE MONK – is in Hawaii in a bikini, which is more than enough to make the page on a day this incredibly slow. Seriously did you see that Matt Damon story? WTF was that all about? (pacific coast)
JENNIFER ANISTON – bombed again this weekend. Her movie ‘The Switch’ opened in 8th place. The chart above is her box office bio. Take out ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ (which was an ensemble), ‘Marley and Me’ (which stared an adorable puppy, based on those popular Contennelle commercials), and ‘Bruce Almighty’ (which stared Jim Carey in his prime), and she’s only had one hit. Ever. I could charge people to watch my Girls With Big Tits screen saver and make more than ‘Management’. (box office mojo)
WYCLEF JEAN – says he is still fighting to get on the ballot for Haitis presidential election. Though no reason was given to explain why his initial application was rejected, under Haitian law a presidential candidate must have lived in the country for five consecutive years leading up to the election. “When the fuck did this shithole get laws,” Wyclef probably said. (popeater)
JAY LENO – is no favorite of mine, but he performed for free at the Beau Rivage Casino in Biloxi Saturday night and raised $90,336 for Gulf Coast residents effected by the BP oil spill. Then on top of that he chipped in some of his own money to make it an even $100,000. It obviously helped to have such a big star perform in Biloxi. Normally the headliner is a guy named Cooter who can wiggle his ears. (ap)
SHAUNA SAND – walked around Miami in a bikini this weekend, and if you wanted to see that for some inexplicable reason, here you go. (inf daily)
JENNIFER ANISTON – was promoting her latest bomb ‘the Switch’ on ‘Regis and Kelly’ this morning when she said, “Yes, I play dress up! I do it for a living, like a retard!” And now a pro-retard group is calling her comment, “extraordinarily offensive and inappropriate.” And they’re right. Her acting is more like someone in a vegetative state. Retarded people can actually convey emotion. (us)
PIRANHA 3D - might actually be the dumb fun it was trying to be. “Mere words cannot describe how awesomely gnarly ‘Piranha 3D’ is, how hugely entertaining,” says the AP. “A pitch-perfect, guilty-pleasure serving of late-summer schlock,” according to the Hollywood Reporter. “The best buddy cop movie in years,” said a guy who couldn’t remember anything but all the hot girls with big tits in 3D. (ap, thr)
MAGGIE Q - is too sexy in her promo posters for the CW show ‘Nikita’, according to several shopping centers like the Grove in LA who are refusing to post them. And that’s them below so I must be missing something. Clearly the Grove is run by either ugly people or Quakers. (variety)
Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of Harpers Bazaar this month, which is a perfect fit because they’re both famous even though no one ever buys either one. In the interview, she tells no one in particular that she knows people laugh at her, though the insufferable egomaniac who men run away from like Medusa doesn’t know why. Oohh oohh oohh, I do, I do!
“People laugh at me. Sometimes I know why, and sometimes I don’t. But I can pretty much find humor in anything. That is a necessary part of life. I don’t want to say laughter is healing, because it sounds corny, but it’s a release.”
And then, as if dared to come up with the worlds least relatable and sympathetic problem, she talked about how much she and Barbara Streisand have in common.
“[Barbra and I] are people who have been put in the spotlight, for better or for worse, and you just keep riding, and you keep overcoming. Barbra inspires me because there isn’t anything she hasn’t done that she wanted to do, especially as a female in the time when her generation was prime. She’s a true renaissance woman… I had a long conversation with Barbra about directing because I directed a short a couple years ago, and if I don’t do it again soon, I’m going to burst out of my skin. And we also love interior design.”
By “overcoming” Aniston must mean that everyone hates her movies (her last 3: Bounty Hunter made 67 million, Love Happens made 22 million, and Management made 900,000). I dare you to fail that much at a job in the real world. Not only would you be fired, they’d hide a cobra in your car and punch your kid in the face too.