Monday morning headlines

By brendon August 23, 2010 @ 1:32 AM

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JENNIFER ANISTON – bombed again this weekend. Her movie ‘The Switch’ opened in 8th place. The chart above is her box office bio. Take out ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ (which was an ensemble), ‘Marley and Me’ (which stared an adorable puppy, based on those popular Contennelle commercials), and ‘Bruce Almighty’ (which stared Jim Carey in his prime), and she’s only had one hit. Ever. I could charge people to watch my Girls With Big Tits screen saver and make more than ‘Management’. (box office mojo)

WYCLEF JEAN – says he is still fighting to get on the ballot for Haitis presidential election. Though no reason was given to explain why his initial application was rejected, under Haitian law a presidential candidate must have lived in the country for five consecutive years leading up to the election. “When the fuck did this shithole get laws,” Wyclef probably said. (popeater)

JAY LENO – is no favorite of mine, but he performed for free at the Beau Rivage Casino in Biloxi Saturday night and raised $90,336 for Gulf Coast residents effected by the BP oil spill. Then on top of that he chipped in some of his own money to make it an even $100,000. It obviously helped to have such a big star perform in Biloxi. Normally the headliner is a guy named Cooter who can wiggle his ears. (ap)

SHAUNA SAND – walked around Miami in a bikini this weekend, and if you wanted to see that for some inexplicable reason, here you go. (inf daily)

afternoon headlines

By brendon August 19, 2010 @ 6:55 PM

JENNIFER ANISTON – was promoting her latest bomb ‘the Switch’ on ‘Regis and Kelly’ this morning when she said, “Yes, I play dress up! I do it for a living, like a retard!” And now a pro-retard group is calling her comment, “extraordinarily offensive and inappropriate.” And they’re right. Her acting is more like someone in a vegetative state. Retarded people can actually convey emotion. (us)

PIRANHA 3D - might actually be the dumb fun it was trying to be. “Mere words cannot describe how awesomely gnarly ‘Piranha 3D’ is, how hugely entertaining,” says the AP. “A pitch-perfect, guilty-pleasure serving of late-summer schlock,” according to the Hollywood Reporter. “The best buddy cop movie in years,” said a guy who couldn’t remember anything but all the hot girls with big tits in 3D. (ap, thr)

MAGGIE Q - is too sexy in her promo posters for the CW show ‘Nikita’, according to several shopping centers like the Grove in LA who are refusing to post them. And that’s them below so I must be missing something. Clearly the Grove is run by either ugly people or Quakers. (variety)

Jennifer Aniston knows people laugh at her

By brendon August 04, 2010 @ 12:17 PM

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Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of Harpers Bazaar this month, which is a perfect fit because they’re both famous even though no one ever buys either one. In the interview, she tells no one in particular that she knows people laugh at her, though the insufferable egomaniac who men run away from like Medusa doesn’t know why. Oohh oohh oohh, I do, I do!

“People laugh at me. Sometimes I know why, and sometimes I don’t. But I can pretty much find humor in anything. That is a necessary part of life. I don’t want to say laughter is healing, because it sounds corny, but it’s a release.”

And then, as if dared to come up with the worlds least relatable and sympathetic problem, she talked about how much she and Barbara Streisand have in common.

“[Barbra and I] are people who have been put in the spotlight, for better or for worse, and you just keep riding, and you keep overcoming. Barbra inspires me because there isn’t anything she hasn’t done that she wanted to do, especially as a female in the time when her generation was prime. She’s a true renais­sance woman… I had a long conversation with Barbra about directing because I directed a short a couple years ago, and if I don’t do it again soon, I’m going to burst out of my skin. And we also love interior design.”

By “overcoming” Aniston must mean that everyone hates her movies (her last 3: Bounty Hunter made 67 million, Love Happens made 22 million, and Management made 900,000). I dare you to fail that much at a job in the real world. Not only would you be fired, they’d hide a cobra in your car and punch your kid in the face too.

this was almost a Jennifer Aniston upskirt

By brendon July 22, 2010 @ 10:49 AM

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Jennifer Aniston is in the UK this week to promote her new perfume sarcastically named Lovalie, and last night while on her way to the restaurant C London she got out of her car in a short skirt and the rest is kind of self explanatory.

Thankfully you can’t actually see her dusty, unloved vagina. Based on the way she repels any man who dates her there’s probably some curse that turns you to stone if you look at it.

What madman thought Lovalie would be a good name for a perfume from this frigid loner by the way. Lonelé or Desper 8 would both have been better, or at least more honest.

(source = inf daily)

jennifer aniston is going topless. again.

By brendon June 15, 2010 @ 11:21 AM

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Jennifer Aniston has been topless in a movie before, but it was edited so you never actually saw anything (note – hooray for the internet). Now she’s reportedly doing another topless scene, this time in a movie with the unthinkably underused Colin Farrell. The Sun says…

Her role in Horrible Bosses alongside movie bad boy Farrell, 34, is said to be a “total departure” from her usual romantic comedy characters.
Jen, 41, has previously only appeared partially nude in a blurred scene in 2007 film The Break-Up.
A source said of the new film: “It was worked out before she signed her contract, so she’s committed.”
It is due to be released next year.

Anistons one and only good attribute is her body, and even that isn’t as good as the average 19-year old (or Tyler reader) so, if you have to be shackled with 2 hours of, “I’m over gesturing with my hands like this is a god damn shadow puppet show because I can’t convey emotion through my acting. Look, I’m wringing my hands now. Ggrrr, I’m very intense right now. I’m very worried or maybe hopeful but listen to the music… mostly worried. But wait, something’s happenig! Now I’m throwing my hands up and showing my palms! I’m happy now, yaaay, the challenging situation was resolved! Big circles with my arms now, LOL! I don’t know how comedy works!”, then you damn well better see some tits.

jennifer aniston in a bikini is not bad

By brendon May 24, 2010 @ 12:47 PM

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Jennifer Aniston is 41 but she didn’t look it yesterday while filming bikini scenes in Hawaii for that Adam Sandler movie with Brooklyn Decker.

Or maybe she did. Maybe this is what lots of women her age would look like if they didn’t do anything all day and had access to all the best chefs and trainers and dietitians. Aniston is like a show dog. Their only job is stand there and do what they’re told. Don’t think dummy just hold still while someone grooms you. Now eat this. Now run over there. Now run back. So she’s not actually pretty, just malleable and obedient. Ooo, I am getting so hot.

(source = splash news online)