JENNIFER ANISTON IS STILL ANNOYING

By brendon March 17, 2008 @ 12:53 PM

Jennifer Aniston is still in Miami this week, where she continues to be annoying as hell.  Add to that the fact that, not only is she not pretty, but you could make the argument that she's straight up ugly.  So with that in mind, I think we can all agree it takes a big man to admit that I would bang her in the ass.  Oh yes.  I said it.  I didn’t get to be the silverback of bloggers by shying away from controversy.

OH BOO-HOO

By brendon February 13, 2008 @ 2:49 PM

Jennifer Aniston might actually be crazy, like literally nuts, because she is STILL whining to whoever will listen that Angelina Jolie stole Brad Pitt and ruined her life.  That was three years ago.  God almighty, get a grip you whiny bitch.  OK says:

“It's been three years since they split," a friend says. "But she's still so far from getting over him, it's tragic.”
And on Feb. 23, when Jen, Brad and Angelina Jolie, will all take part in hosting a charity event at the Beverly Hills Hotel, the tension in the room will most certainly be palpable.
Aniston is gearing up for the moment she'll have to say hello to Angelina or, as she chooses to put it, "that person who ruined my life."
Making the matter more stressful for Jen, who turned 39 on Feb. 11, is that she's being constantly bombarded with images of a glowing, pregnant Angelina. “Jen is desperate for kids,” says a source. “She can feel her biological clock ticking and must be scared that she’s left it too late. She keeps saying that she wishes she had kids with Brad and that, if she had, maybe things would be different.”

Whatever.  I saw this study one time that showed it would take 14 of Jennifer Aniston's chins laid back to back to reach the moon.  14.  You might think it would be more, but I checked the numbers twice, and by golly it's 14.  I also hear her chin, because it precedes the rest of her by about a minute, waps guys in the balls during oral.  And that's why she can't keep a boyfriend.  I haven't been able to confrim this, but the pieces do all fit.

SIT STILL YOU IDIOT

By brendon January 04, 2008 @ 3:45 PM

Please believe me when I tell you that this source had over 400 pictures of Jennifer Aniston at the pool in Mexico, and in every single one of them she's moving around in some way, even just rocking back and forth on the ground.  Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. She's either on X or she has vertigo or some kind of inner ear infection because she just wobbled around for like 4 hours.  Honest to God, if this bitch ever goes 30 seconds without annoying the ever living shit out of me, it will be an accomplishment on par with the printing press.  The only good thing she had going for her was she has a pretty nice ass, but then Courtney Cox showed up and threw down the Hot Buns gauntlet.  Cox somehow managed to keep her back to the camera almost the entire time (almost), but still, Aniston needs to get some ugly friends and hang out with them.  That's what I do.

Sorry Sean, I'm sorry you had to find out this way.



HOT BLURRY ACTION!

By brendon January 02, 2008 @ 8:39 AM

Someone needs to get the paparazzi in Mexico something more powerful than a camera phone immediately because I could carve some shit into a rock and it would look better than this.  You could describe Jennifer Aniston in a bikini to me 6 months after you saw it and I could draw it in the dirt with my foot and it would-be more vibrant and life like than … whatever the hell this is supposed to be.  That big-nosed bitch has a nice ass though, I'll give her that. 

JENNIFER ANISTON IS BALD DOWN THERE

By brendon October 15, 2007 @ 2:02 PM

This weeks print issue of Star says that Jennifer Aniston is obsessed with her … um … "bikini zone" and has her kitty waxed obsessively, even if there's nothing left down there to wax.

"She's neurotic about bikini waxes," reveals Dawn Daluise of Dawn DaLuise Skin Refinery in LA, who used to visit the "Friends" set every other week to work on the actress.  "She'd even call when there was no hair to wax, and she'd insist on having it done – literally making me wax off peach fuzz.  She's phobic about extraneous, stray hairs – especially around her bikini line.  She'll even tweeze them."

I'm pretty sure Jennifer was just hitting on this girl, but god bless her either way, because any girl this obsessed with her kitty is okay with me.  I spend most of they day trying to AVOID things getting ripped off my package, so Jennifer is a hero in my eyes for going the other way with it.  Still, she might be over thinking this.  Guys care but they don't care that much.  We're not really there to look around.  When I have sex, I'm like a squid, I just shoot the girl in the face and then take off during the resulting confusion.

ANISTON AND ORLANDO BLOOM? WTF?

By brendon October 01, 2007 @ 4:48 AM

In what has to be the most random Hollywood hook-up in a long time, Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom spent the weekend together at a resort in Mexico.  At least I think that's Orlando.  That's what the picture source said but it's kind of hard to tell.  I don't know what brand cell phone the paparazzi in Mexico use to take their pictures, but you can't really see anything here.  You could tell me this was Bigfoot and Batman, or Santa Claus and me and I'd almost certainly believe you eventually.  They might as well have just written the words "Jenifer Aniston Orlando Bloom" on a piece of paper.  It would save everyone a lot of time and still be every bit as good as these pictures.  I could carve a Jennifer Aniston out of butter and it would look more like Jennifer Aniston than this nonsense.

UNSEXY UPDATE: Photos removed at the request of copyright holder, but not after a vigorous best-of-3 armwrestling battle royale.  Next time, FlynetPictures.com, next time!!!!