I don’t want to write this post because Jennifer Aniston WANTS me to write this post and I detest that woman more than my period getting in the way of a solid weekend of sex. Which, yes, I am currently on, so yes, I’m feeling extra cunty. Guys, just pretend all the TV networks got together and canceled all sports programming for a week. Then you can relate.
Jennifer Aniston attended Lifetime’s (the network where untalented stars go to die) Call Me Crazy premiere in Los Angeles last night. She wore her hair up in a strapless top, revealing odd “cupping” marks, the result of a form of Chinese medicine that’s meant to stimulate circulation.
Every girl knows that you look prettier with your hair down, especially if you’re a solid 6, which Aniston is even with the $8,000 she spends monthly to try and reach for an 8. Yet Aniston wore her hair up in a stupid pony tail in a stupid strapless outfit so we’d all see the marks and think ahh she must be so zen and interesting to try Chinese medicine! If that hippie shit works then where the babies at, Jen? Shit, I’m bloated.
Last night was The 85th Annual Academy Awards and I’m completely ashamed to say I watched the entire thing. To sum it up, Seth MacFarlane did surprisingly not shitty, Jennifer Lawrence fell down, the Best Director winner was bullshit, Ben Affleck got snubbed, then didn’t and George Clooney kept getting free scotch thrown at him for smiling every time someone joked he banged and/or will bang somebody like nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis (Actual Seth MacFarlane joke.) who already had to deal with Daniel Day Lewis demanding she thank him backstage. This shouldn’t fuck a kid up.
(Images of celebs who showed up to last night’s Oscars with varying degrees of cleavage or dumb-looking faces = Getty)
Here’s what an awful, conceited bitch Jennifer Aniston is: she agrees to do a commercial for Smartwater that makes fun of all the rumors you hear about her, then fills the commercial with things no one has ever said about her. There’s no rumor that she wears a wig or has an alien baby that talks in bleeps and bloops, but that’s what we see her joking about.
There is a rumor that she has a doll made with Brad Pitts real hair and fingernails and a wall full of Angelina Jolie pictures with the eyes cut out. A rumor started by me, just now. A rumor that is 100 percent true. Why doesn’t the commercial show that?
Wait a second Hollywood; are you telling me that if I buy a ticket to ‘We’re the Millers’, starring Jennifer Aniston, I’ll get to hear her read jokes with the robotic delivery of a GPS unit AND see the bra of an unattractive lady with B cups?
Well congratulations, you’ve done it again. Here’s my money. Is $100 enough? $200? Name your price Hollywood. Please don’t tell me I’m too late and opening weekend is already sold out.
It’s been almost 9 years since Angelina Jolie replaced Nicole Kidman in ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’, which is where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie met which led to him divorcing Jennifer Aniston because Angelina Jolie is better than Jennifer Aniston in every possible way. 9 years.
So is that all a coincidence or is there a pattern? I simply don’t know, I’m not the Mentalist. What I do know is that Pitt has been dating Jolie all this time, while Aniston has dated Vince Vaughn, Paul Sculfor, Josh Hopkins, Chris Gartin, Harry Morton, Jason Lewis, Kevin Connelly, John Mayer, Gerard Butler, and Justin Theroux. She’ll date literally anyone. Girls who marry inmates that they met online have more dignity.