Here’s what an awful, conceited bitch Jennifer Aniston is: she agrees to do a commercial for Smartwater that makes fun of all the rumors you hear about her, then fills the commercial with things no one has ever said about her. There’s no rumor that she wears a wig or has an alien baby that talks in bleeps and bloops, but that’s what we see her joking about.
There is a rumor that she has a doll made with Brad Pitts real hair and fingernails and a wall full of Angelina Jolie pictures with the eyes cut out. A rumor started by me, just now. A rumor that is 100 percent true. Why doesn’t the commercial show that?
Wait a second Hollywood; are you telling me that if I buy a ticket to ‘We’re the Millers’, starring Jennifer Aniston, I’ll get to hear her read jokes with the robotic delivery of a GPS unit AND see the bra of an unattractive lady with B cups?
Well congratulations, you’ve done it again. Here’s my money. Is $100 enough? $200? Name your price Hollywood. Please don’t tell me I’m too late and opening weekend is already sold out.
It’s been almost 9 years since Angelina Jolie replaced Nicole Kidman in ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’, which is where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie met which led to him divorcing Jennifer Aniston because Angelina Jolie is better than Jennifer Aniston in every possible way. 9 years.
So is that all a coincidence or is there a pattern? I simply don’t know, I’m not the Mentalist. What I do know is that Pitt has been dating Jolie all this time, while Aniston has dated Vince Vaughn, Paul Sculfor, Josh Hopkins, Chris Gartin, Harry Morton, Jason Lewis, Kevin Connelly, John Mayer, Gerard Butler, and Justin Theroux. She’ll date literally anyone. Girls who marry inmates that they met online have more dignity.
Were they trying to make Jennifer Aniston look sexy today on the set of ‘We are the Millers’, or was I supposed to shriek and cover my eyes like a vampire that was pushed into sunlight? Because if it was that second one, mission accomplished.
When Brad Pitt was filming ‘World War Z’ last summer in Richmond (a small town in southwest London; population 21,221), he and Angelina Jolie fell in love with it, and with London hosting the 2012 Summer Olympics, they decided to buy a house and stay for at least a year.
Then they decided to settle in even longer, for at least two years, because it turns out Jolie’s next three movies all film in the UK.
And now, in a completely unrelated story, Jennifer Aniston is looking to buy a house in Richmond, a small town in southwest London, population 21,221.
Jennifer Aniston is eyeing pads in the south-west London borough where ex Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie rented last year and intend to spend much of the next two years.
A source said: “She hasn’t had anything to do with Brad since their 2005 divorce. But if they are both living in the same neighborhood it could lead to awkward encounters.”
Oh no, I don’t think that would be awkward at all. His ex-wife traveled 5,500 miles and moved in next door, that kind of thing happens all the time, it’s perfectly normal. Oh but I bet they’ll make a big deal of it when they wake up one night with Aniston between them in bed and wearing her wedding dress. You can just tell they’re rude neighbors.
Because Jennifer Aniston would literally die if she had to sit back for the next few months and watch Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan their romantic storybook wedding, Jennifer Aniston and her boyfriend Justin Theroux are apparently getting married now too. Except even sooner, and even more romantic storybookier.
Sources connected with the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete (where Aniston’s dad was born, located about 230 miles south of Greece) tell TMZ … Aniston was there recently, scoping the place out. Our sources say Aniston mentioned a July wedding.
Crete sounds like a good choice because I don’t think that’s even a real fucking place and maybe her desperation isn’t as well known there as it is everywhere else. All the hours Aniston has spent daydreaming, arranging a roomful of cardboard cut-outs of famous people placed in chairs like an awards show rehearsal and then having someone say they agree to marry her, will finally pay off.