I’m not sure how many movies Jennifer Aniston is in where she plays a woman who almost flashes her tits. Rough guess. Every single one. She likes to tease the press by talking about how she will be topless in her next movie. And then the press talks about how brave she is. First, jumping on a grenade is brave. Flashing your tits is relatively easy. Second, Jennifer is a liar. Brad Pitt came out this week and said his marriage to Jennifer Aniston was boring. He blames himself and too much weed, but I’m guessing having a girl who makes empty sexual promises over and over again can lead to boredom. Or taking off to rail Angelina Jolie whose sexual promises were always kept.
Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper in We’re the Millers. Here’s the Red Band trailer.
Jennifer Aniston has a million things she wants to tell you about how to stay good looking into your middle years. It mostly involves holistic medicines, Asian aromatherapies, and never letting that bitch cunt Angelina Jolie ruin your wedding day. Oh, only she did. It’s amazing how one crazy ass anorexic can be the bane of your existence, I mean, unless you’re married to her yourself, but Angelina continues to haunt Jen’s desperate attempts at ever being loved again. Aww.
I don’t want to write this post because Jennifer Aniston WANTS me to write this post and I detest that woman more than my period getting in the way of a solid weekend of sex. Which, yes, I am currently on, so yes, I’m feeling extra cunty. Guys, just pretend all the TV networks got together and canceled all sports programming for a week. Then you can relate.
Jennifer Aniston attended Lifetime’s (the network where untalented stars go to die) Call Me Crazy premiere in Los Angeles last night. She wore her hair up in a strapless top, revealing odd “cupping” marks, the result of a form of Chinese medicine that’s meant to stimulate circulation.
Every girl knows that you look prettier with your hair down, especially if you’re a solid 6, which Aniston is even with the $8,000 she spends monthly to try and reach for an 8. Yet Aniston wore her hair up in a stupid pony tail in a stupid strapless outfit so we’d all see the marks and think ahh she must be so zen and interesting to try Chinese medicine! If that hippie shit works then where the babies at, Jen? Shit, I’m bloated.
Last night was The 85th Annual Academy Awards and I’m completely ashamed to say I watched the entire thing. To sum it up, Seth MacFarlane did surprisingly not shitty, Jennifer Lawrence fell down, the Best Director winner was bullshit, Ben Affleck got snubbed, then didn’t and George Clooney kept getting free scotch thrown at him for smiling every time someone joked he banged and/or will bang somebody like nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis (Actual Seth MacFarlane joke.) who already had to deal with Daniel Day Lewis demanding she thank him backstage. This shouldn’t fuck a kid up.
(Images of celebs who showed up to last night’s Oscars with varying degrees of cleavage or dumb-looking faces = Getty)
Here’s what an awful, conceited bitch Jennifer Aniston is: she agrees to do a commercial for Smartwater that makes fun of all the rumors you hear about her, then fills the commercial with things no one has ever said about her. There’s no rumor that she wears a wig or has an alien baby that talks in bleeps and bloops, but that’s what we see her joking about.
There is a rumor that she has a doll made with Brad Pitts real hair and fingernails and a wall full of Angelina Jolie pictures with the eyes cut out. A rumor started by me, just now. A rumor that is 100 percent true. Why doesn’t the commercial show that?