BREAKING NEWS: Jennifer Aniston is dull

By brendon September 15, 2011 @ 4:46 PM

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In an interview that comes out this weekend in Parade magazine, Brad Pitt confirms what everyone already suspected; that Jennifer Aniston is a soul-crushing bore.

After saying how he loves his life now (with Angelina Jolie and their 6 kids) he adds that wasn’t always the case.

“I spent the ’90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony,” he admits. “I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself.”
“I think that my marriage had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

Ahem…

“…I wasn’t living an interesting life … I think that my marriage had something to do with it.”

Oohh, you don’t say. You didn’t want to talk about her haircut anymore? That’s hard to believe. As soon as she said she had to use the restroom on our very first date I would have run out of the restaurant like Indiana Jones diving out of the cave right before that big boulder got him.

“sexy” Jennifer Aniston repulses people

By brendon July 22, 2011 @ 4:09 PM

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Penn Badgley probably knew that Jennifer Aniston plays a dentist who is always sexually harassing her tech in the movie ‘Horrible Bosses’, but it seems he didn’t know that he gets mentioned by name before he went to see it yesterday with his girlfriend, Zoe Kravitz.

An awkward moment happened when Jennifer Aniston quips, “Did you see ‘Gossip Girl’ last night? I fingered myself so hard to that Penn Badgley guy that I broke a nail.” Our source said, “The look on Penn’s face was priceless. They left the theater right after that.”

Wait. Your nails aren’t supposed to even hit anything. How did she break one? Was she stabbing herself in the vagina, is that what this scene is suggesting? Making Jennifer Anistons no doubt beaten and bruised vagina all scratched and bloody as well? Jesus I’m surprised more people didn’t leave, what is this, a snuff film?

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no one likes Jennifer Aniston

By brendon July 08, 2011 @ 4:44 PM

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‘Friends’ went on the air in 1994, which means that Jennifer Aniston has been a big star for 17 years now, so it’s no surprise that a parade of Hollywood royalty packed the stage yesterday when Aniston was honored with a handprint ceremony at the famous Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.

From Chelsea Handler to Jason Bateman, it was a cavalcade of her friends and co-stars spanning almost two decades in show business!

(NOTE: actually it was just Chelsea Handler and Jason Bateman, who co-stars with Aniston in ‘Horrible Bosses’, which opens today. Oh and her newly shaven boyfriend Justin Theroux was there. And universally despised director Brett Ratner, who is a producer for ‘Horrible Bosses’. But no Courteney Cox or anyone from ‘Friends’, or Jim Carey or Adam Sandler or anyone like that. Maybe they didn’t go because they assumed they’d have to carry her just like they did when they worked together, and cement is really heavy.)

guess who Jennifer Aniston is talking about

By brendon July 07, 2011 @ 3:42 PM

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It seems like just yesterday that Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston, and that’s because she won’t shut the fuck up about it. In reality it was 7 years ago.

And now, celebuzz says “she recently opened up about her infamous divorce during her Inside the Actor’s Studio appearance.” Ohh, did she really? I bet they had to torture her to make her talk about that!

When asked about ‘The Break Up’, her hit 2006 romantic comedy, Jennifer admits the film helped her overcome the devastating end of her five-year marriage to Pitt.
“It was a beautiful human story about a couple breaking up…You know, I was slightly familiar on the topic and the issue. I honestly felt like, what a great way to sort of exorcise some of that.”
…she insisted her personal heartache made the role “easier” to do. “I was like, ‘Why not?’ Turn the page, let’s move on,” she recalled.

And so she did! Unfortunately, the next page also said to talk about Brad Pitt. And do interviews about Brad Pitt, and cry on movie sets about Brad Pitt, and admit you keep Brad Pitts voice on your phone. All these pages can be found in a book called, ‘Angelina Jolie Is A Whore And I Hate Her And I Want My Brad Back And I Swear Brad I’ll Do Anything I Just Want You Back Please Please Take Me Back’.

Jennifer Aniston is inappropiate

By brendon June 22, 2011 @ 2:25 PM

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Jennifer Aniston walked around New York yesterday in the sheerest possible clothes, and everyone could look at her ass and nipples. Which seems a little presumptuous. If we could decide how much clothing Jennifer Aniston should be wearing at all times, I would vote for “a lot”.

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Jennifer Aniston is a screen legend

By brendon June 22, 2011 @ 10:45 AM

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If there’s one thing actors need more of, it’s special attention and people applauding them for no fucking reason, and so yesterday the 2012 recipients of a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame were announced, led by Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Lopez (here’s the full list).

To be honored with a star, one must meet a strict criteria and pass a lengthy and demanding screening process. It’s practically like when Indiana Jones was trying to enter that room with the Holy Grail.

I’m lying of course. These are the only requirements for getting a star:

- professional achievement
- longevity of five years or more
- contributions to the community
- the guarantee that the celebrity will attend the dedication ceremony if selected.

But most importantly, you have to pay the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce $30,000. Which means that the overwhelming number of these ceremonies happen because the actor nominated themselves. That’s how starved they are for attention and acclaim and a podium so they can talk about themselves. And that’s usually when they say this will be great for the fans. Because it’s such a treat to read a name I recognize. Look…

DREW BARRYMORE

Wasn’t that a thrill? Now imagine if that were written on a sidewalk, and you read it while pick-pockets robbed you!