Jennifer Aniston is a home wrecking whore

By brendon June 14, 2011 @ 12:42 PM

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Jennifer Aniston has talked non stop for 6 years to make sure everyone knows how awful it was when the mean and wicked Angelina Jolie took out her claws to seduce and steal Brad Pitt. Very obviously Jennifer would never do anything like that.

Jennifer Aniston’s romance with Justin Theroux has ended his 14-year relationship with his live-in girlfriend Heidi Bivens — who moved out of their home last weekend, Page Six has learned.

Oh.

Wait, so the guy Aniston has been publicly dating since mid-May, the one she went to the MTV Movie Awards with, was living with his girlfriend the entire time? Maybe they were already broken up but she just hadn’t moved yet.

Bivens “is devastated” after Theroux abruptly ended their relationship as he got close to Aniston.
“Heidi and Justin have been together for 14 years. They met when she was 20 years old and he 24, and yes, she just moved out of their home last weekend.”

Yeah but this is different because Angelina and Brad met on the set of ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’.

Aniston and Theroux met on the set of “Wanderlust” last fall, but in recent weeks they have become inseparable.

No, but, wait, Jennifer told Vogue the thing that hurt was that Angelina stole Brad. She knew he wasn’t single but she flirted with him anyway. By stark contrast, look at how Aniston acted toward Theroux when they made their movie together.

…the tight twosome (have) already settled into a form of domestic bliss on set! “Jen would take care of me a little bit,” Justin said. “When I would feel low, she had all these Chinese herbal medicines she’d give me. If I caught a cold, she’d make blueberry smoothies with antioxidants. She was a fantastic blender chef.”

Oh, gosh. So I guess it turns out that Jennifer Aniston is just a cunt. Gee what a surprise.

Jennifer Aniston was the big winner

By brendon June 06, 2011 @ 3:59 PM

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I’m no Jennifer Aniston fan, but I have to admit she was a worthy recipient of the Decade of Hotness Award at this weekends Spike TVs Guys Choice Awards. Although I would have quantified the trophy by adding, “From The Neck Down As Long As She Can Shut Up About Brad Pitt For 5 Fucking Seconds.”

(image source = getty)

Jennifer Aniston is still clingy, desperate

By brendon May 25, 2011 @ 6:17 PM

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Just because Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper got creeped out by Jennifer Anistons needy desperation doesn’t mean all guys will. Maybe some guys find obsessive clinginess attractive. If she finds a guy like that, she’ll be all set, because god knows she doesn’t think there’s any other way to date.

Jen Aniston is trying to keep it on the DL, but she’s secretly dating Justin Theroux.
“Jen is totally into him,” a source tells Us Weekly. “They have been hanging out for months.”
The two started off as pals and costars on the set of Wanderlust. But lately Theroux, 39, and Aniston, 42, are inseparable.
“She wants to be with him all the time,” the source adds. “She’s diving in headfirst.”

Oh, gosh. Jennifer is “diving in headfirst.” Now there’s a surprise. The fact that this guy is still around must mean she’s gained at least some self control and he didn’t come back from the bathroom on their first date to find her in a wedding dress.

Jennifer Aniston might be topless in another movie

By brendon May 12, 2011 @ 2:33 PM

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A trailer for ‘Horrible Bosses’ has arrived (embed copy here, 1080 copy here) and it’s hard not to be impressed by the awesome cast, including Kevin Spacey, Jason Bateman, a very funny Colin Farrell, and best of all Charlie Day, who is completely fucking awesome.

And that’s it. That’s everyone who is any good. Unfortunately Jennifer Aniston is in it too and getting all the attention because she acts kind of slutty, and reportedly even shot a topless scene. Which doesn’t mean we’re going to see her topless, mind you.

“Producers aren’t sure if they’ll use it. They filmed it two ways: In one, you see Jen’s face and boobs in the same shot. In another, the audience might think it’s a body double.”

Of course this would be the second time that’s happened, because she had a topless scene in ‘The Break Up’ that was cropped to essentially just show her face (uncropped nsfw screencap of that here).

So really who cares because her tits aren’t that great and she’s not sexy anyway. In the trailer she licks a popsicle and a hot dog and sort of blows a banana, but not really. Like, a quarter inch of it goes in her mouth. I could get more of my dick in her mouth even if she didn’t want me too, just by tackling her in the street.

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Jennifer Aniston thinks she should marry George Clooney

By brendon April 06, 2011 @ 4:06 PM

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Jennifer Aniston is such a delight to be around that she cant keep a boyfriend for more than a week, and to put that into perspective, even that women who cut off her husbands dick while he was asleep went on to get engaged and have a 14 year relationship.

Perhaps thinking the problem is that she isn’t desperate or clingy enough, Aniston tells Red magazine, whatever the hell that is, that since she and George Clooney are both so famous for being single, it would be a great idea to call him up out of the blue and tell him she wants to get married and have a baby.

“That would definitely shut up the world! I could call up George, say, ‘Hon, let’s just get hitched and have kids…’ I should take George to lunch and we can figure out how to put an end to all this.”

I know she’s joking about that but wow does she really think we equate her with Clooney? He’s single because everyone wants to date him. She’s single because no one does. For at least another week I’d rather fuck Elizabeth Taylor.

(image source = getty)

Angelina Jolie is in Libya

By brendon April 05, 2011 @ 2:39 PM

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I quickly wanna preface this with what Jennifer Aniston said when explaining why she spent her 41st birthday at a palatial resort in Mexico.

“(A friend) said to me, ’You come to Mexico all the time and Mexico is really hurting right now because of the swine flu and the drug trafficking and all of this sort of stuff.”
“It sort of made sense to sort of say ‘Hey, let’s help out Mexico’”

Okay now this, today, from Us

Angelina Jolie traveled to the Tunisian-Libyan border, where she spoke with refugees who had recently fled the fighting in Libya.
The purpose of Jolie’s visit to the embattled region: to highlight the need for greater international support for those affected by the crisis in Libya.
The Jolie-Pitt Foundation, established by Jolie and longtime love Brad Pitt in 2006, covered the costs for a flight of 177 people to return to their countries of origin– and purchased an ambulance to help support Tunisian efforts on the border to assist the injured arriving from Libya.

Some people still hate Angelina because she “stole” Pitt from Aniston, and never consider that maybe Aniston is just an annoying cunt and he left her for someone who is better in every way. In Anistons defense, her name is so synonymous with the word “bomb” maybe she’d like to go help in the Middle East but they won’t let her on a plane.

(image source = getty)