Jennifer Aniston thinks she should marry George Clooney

By brendon April 06, 2011 @ 4:06 PM

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Jennifer Aniston is such a delight to be around that she cant keep a boyfriend for more than a week, and to put that into perspective, even that women who cut off her husbands dick while he was asleep went on to get engaged and have a 14 year relationship.

Perhaps thinking the problem is that she isn’t desperate or clingy enough, Aniston tells Red magazine, whatever the hell that is, that since she and George Clooney are both so famous for being single, it would be a great idea to call him up out of the blue and tell him she wants to get married and have a baby.

“That would definitely shut up the world! I could call up George, say, ‘Hon, let’s just get hitched and have kids…’ I should take George to lunch and we can figure out how to put an end to all this.”

I know she’s joking about that but wow does she really think we equate her with Clooney? He’s single because everyone wants to date him. She’s single because no one does. For at least another week I’d rather fuck Elizabeth Taylor.

(image source = getty)

Angelina Jolie is in Libya

By brendon April 05, 2011 @ 2:39 PM

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I quickly wanna preface this with what Jennifer Aniston said when explaining why she spent her 41st birthday at a palatial resort in Mexico.

“(A friend) said to me, ’You come to Mexico all the time and Mexico is really hurting right now because of the swine flu and the drug trafficking and all of this sort of stuff.”
“It sort of made sense to sort of say ‘Hey, let’s help out Mexico’”

Okay now this, today, from Us

Angelina Jolie traveled to the Tunisian-Libyan border, where she spoke with refugees who had recently fled the fighting in Libya.
The purpose of Jolie’s visit to the embattled region: to highlight the need for greater international support for those affected by the crisis in Libya.
The Jolie-Pitt Foundation, established by Jolie and longtime love Brad Pitt in 2006, covered the costs for a flight of 177 people to return to their countries of origin– and purchased an ambulance to help support Tunisian efforts on the border to assist the injured arriving from Libya.

Some people still hate Angelina because she “stole” Pitt from Aniston, and never consider that maybe Aniston is just an annoying cunt and he left her for someone who is better in every way. In Anistons defense, her name is so synonymous with the word “bomb” maybe she’d like to go help in the Middle East but they won’t let her on a plane.

(image source = getty)

Jennifer Aniston is embracing her spinsterhood

By brendon February 22, 2011 @ 6:47 PM

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The fact that anyone even noticed is probably a sign that we’re all doomed and nothing will ever get better, but not only did they notice, but apparently it’s big news that Jennifer Aniston cut a few inches of her hair off.

People says…

Jennifer Aniston has bid goodbye to the long layers that have been her signature look for years and chopped her hair into a shoulder-length bob. The actress stepped out at a Madrid photocall for her new movie Just Go With It rocking a sexy, tousled take on the cut.

So. 42, single with no prospects, and now shorter haircuts. Could someone go ahead and send her two cats named Ben and Jerry so we can get this over with.

morning headlines

By brendon February 10, 2011 @ 11:05 AM

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SCARLETT JOHANSSON – is 26, and she’s “smitten” with Sean Penn, who is 50. Obviously Penn is a jackass but I hope I can still nail girls half my age when I’m 50. And that my wife won’t be all cunty about it. (us)

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS – will release it’s first trailer today, though it probably won’t be that great considering how far behind schedule this movie is. It comes out June 3rd and they’re still filming. At least they have a great director in Matthew Vaughn, so maybe he can pull this off. And maybe I’ll nail Megan Fox in the ass today. Pretending sure is fun. (facebook)

JENNIFER ANISTON – wants to move to Manhattan. Aww, but I finally move back to LA next month. And now she’s getting a house in New York? There’s no way I can throw a rock that far. (us)

ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO – is 29, and a mom, but thanks to things like this pilates class yesterday in Venice, she’s still the best looking girl on earth. It’s almost hard to believe how pretty she is. Like, if she rode there on a Pegasus, it would sort of make sense. (pacific coast)

BREAKING NEWS: Jennifer Aniston is complaining again

By brendon January 18, 2011 @ 2:21 PM

TV SITCOM'S FUTURE

When Friends first went on the air, Jennifer Aniston looked like that (full pic here). And no one cared about her. Because she was ugly, and the least talented of the three female leads, by far.

Then she got that famous haircut, “The Rachel”, and it swept the country and everyone loved it and she was a star and the center of attention and suddenly people were saying she was pretty and she was dating Brad Pitt. That haircut literally changed her life, for the better, overnight.

OK, now try and guess if she’s grateful.

“Have there been disasters? I think that’s a very relative term with hair. Let’s say there have been moments I’d rather not relive, like that whole Rachel thing,” she tells Allure of the ‘Friends’ ‘do that started it all.
“I love Chris [McMillan, her hairstylist], and he’s the bane of my existence at the same time because he started that damn Rachel, which was not my best look. How do I say this? I think it was the ugliest haircut I’ve ever seen. What I really want to know is, how did that thing have legs? Let’s just say I’m not a fan of short, layered cuts on me personally, so I don’t love revisiting that particular era,” she adds.

God I hate this bitch. In a figurative sense, her pissy attitude casts an ugly shadow over everything she does. In a literal sense, it’s her chin that does that.

(NOTE: if you run an image search on “the rachel haircut”, you get an old picture of Rachel Nichols and her big boobs in a bikini, so here they are so Aniston will stop fuggin up my sexy website)

Jennifer Aniston is a drunk

By brendon January 06, 2011 @ 5:09 PM








A lot of people are making fun of Jennifer Aniston today because she was drunk at the Peoples Choice Awards last night and could barely slur enough words together to give Adam Sandler his award. Actually she didn’t slur enough words together because she forgot one of the two awards, but reading words out loud is incredibly hard. They should have someone else do that. Maybe that homeless guy. They were expecting too much, they should have made it easier. They could say “to present this award, here’s Jennifer Ansiton”, and she could come out and they could have a chair and she could sit down, and then the homeless guy could read the names and Jennifer could say “yyaaayyy” and clap her hands and then the winner could come up and get the trophy from a model and she’d be like “ooohhhh” and she could clap some more and then they’d finish and backstage they’d wave their arms and shout, “Jennifer, come on, over here,” and she’d eventually walk over and they would all be like, “yay Jennifer you did it” and she’d say “yay I did it!”