afternoon headlines

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 7:20 PM

MEGAN FOX - should be on this list of famous people who blaze up (here’s a diff one). I’d also like to see her on a list of famous girls who have swallowed my semen. (htgb)

JENNIFER ANISTON - still sucks. ‘Bounty Hunter’ only made 3.8m in it’s UK debut. It’s hard to figure out why no one goes to see her movies. Perhaps it’s because she’s a terrible actress and self-pitying bitch. Oh wait I guess it wasn’t that hard to figure out. (daily mail)

TIGER WOODS - had sex with the daughter of one of his neighbors last year. She was 21, and lived so close they could see Tigers house when they were doin it. He must have a really good Homeowners Association. All I get is some votive candles on Christmas Eve. (radar)

MICHELLE HUNZIKER - is still in Miami, bless her heart. Blond white girls are boring, but … the pigtails. Pigtails are fuckin hot. More girls don’t wear them and that bugs me. It works especially well on Michelle because she’s Swiss. This would be a good ad for tropical cocoa. (fame images, splash news)

28 photos in gallery >

Tags: bikini, bikinis, headlines, jennifer aniston, megan fox, michelle hunziker, tiger woods |

18 Comments

hahaha, you suck jennifer aniston

By brendon February 17, 2010 @ 12:18 PM

10 days ago Jennifer Aniston spent her birthday in Mexico with some friends, including rumored boyfriend Gerard Butler, and she went on Access Hollywood and talked about how wonderful he is and then listed all the reasons why he’s so wonderful.

Gerard Butler did not go on Access Hollywood. Instead he went to Rio and surrounded himself with gorgeous women who seem to think shirts are made of poison. Oh and also Nicole Scherzinger, who by the way just broke up with her boyfriend two months ago. The Sun says…

Fresh from his Mexican trip to celebrate JENNIFER ANISTON’s 41st birthday, the Scottish lothario hightailed it to the Rio de Janeiro carnival.
And it didn’t take him long to pick up a bikini-clad A-lister in the form of PUSSYCAT DOLLS babe NICOLE SCHERZINGER.
Can’t imagine these two have too much in common.
That said, it doesn’t take a genius to work out what Gerry might see in perfectly-formed Nic…

I’m sure if you looked close enough you could find Aniston in these pictures, 20 yards behind Butler, in a poncho and sombrero and a big bushy mustache. Crying. Because this clingy bitch bonds like cement to every poor bastard unfortunate enough to bang her.

(image source = splash news online)

7 photos in gallery >

Tags: gerard butler, jennifer aniston, nicole scherzinger |

66 Comments

Jennifer Aniston is a racist bitch

By brendon February 09, 2010 @ 5:08 PM

It takes a certain type of person to spend their birthday at a palatial 5-star resort on the beach in Mexico. A selfless person, a hero among us who only thinks of others. Someone who will go to where they’re needed, no matter how dirty or drug addicted the people she drives by on the way to the resort may be.

Why did she choose Mexico where she has gone many times before?
“These people survive on us coming down and spending money,” Aniston explains. Considering the country’s troubles with swine flu and drug trafficking, “It sort of made sense to sort of say, ‘Hey, let’s help out Mexico.’ “

I may owe Jennifer Ansiton an apology. I thought she was an elitist bitch, but it turns out she wants to help those dirty Mexicans. Hopefully she made it clear to her butler that he wasn’t to use this weekends salary on drugs, and that he should buy a lobster or something for dinner instead of digging rotten pork out of the garbage. That’s what they do, you know. The whole country. They’ve got another thing coming if they think they’re gonna fool Jennifer Ansiton.

Tags: jennifer aniston |

46 Comments

jennifer aniston still sucks

By brendon February 08, 2010 @ 12:33 PM

Jennifer Aniston and her barren womb went down to Mexico this weekend with some friends, including apparent boyfriend Gerard Butler and Courteney Cox. Aniston looks okay but that’s because these pictures were taken from a million miles away. Much like how pictures of the Loch Ness monster look real but when you see it up close you realize it’s a haphazardly thrown together mess. So Jennifer Aniston and monsters have more in common than you might have thought.

(source = splash news online)

23 photos in gallery >

Tags: bikini, courteney cox, jennifer aniston |

301 Comments

afternoon headlines

By brendon January 27, 2010 @ 7:19 PM

BRAD PITT - now that he may be single again, Jennifer Aniston wants him to know she’ll take him back. But she won’t beg. Unless he wants her too, and then she’ll crawl across the floor on her hands and knees, groveling and pleading as if her very life depended on it. (star)

JAY LENO - told Oprah that he hasn’t spoken to Conan since all the Tonight Show drama began. “I haven’t talked to him through all this … it didn’t seem appropriate … I don’t know. I think it — let things cool down and maybe we’ll talk, you know.” He explained that a face-to-face talk went against his natural sneaky, back-stabbing instincts. Then, while he and Oprah talked, he gave the signal for someone to break into her car. (us.com)

CHARLIE SHEEN - His wife Brooke Mueller, the one he tried to murder on Christmas day, is in rehab for an alleged drug addiction. Let’s just hope her weakness won’t sully his good name. (radar)

SHANELLE - Is there some reason I can’t get hot girls to do this kind of thing for Tyler? If so that reason can suck it because it’s standing between me and my happiness. (foundry music)

LINDSAY LOHAN - The issue of Loaded magazine that she posed for essentially naked is now out (scans here). As much as I’d love to make fun of her, she’s skinny with red hair and huge breasts. Half my hard drive is devoted to those very things. If I act like I wouldn’t have sex with her, it sends a dangerous message to my penis. (loaded)

does jennifer aniston still suck? you know it.

By brendon November 16, 2009 @ 11:20 AM

Jennifer Aniston is still a blurry mess in the newest bikini pictures from her trip to Mexico, and thank god because the only thing worse than blurry Jennifer Aniston bikini pictures is clear Jennifer Aniston bikini pictures.

Or maybe I’m being hard on her because these are from Mexico. One time I was doing math and the problem was so hard when I solved it I got sent back in time to ancient Mexico. The Aztecs or whatever started to attack me but my penis is so big I was able to convince them I was a god. I shook it at them and they named it “the Thunder Stick”. Then I made love to many of their beautiful ladies. It was a close call. I’ll get you for this Math!