BREAKING NEWS: Jennifer Aniston is complaining again

By brendon January 18, 2011 @ 2:21 PM

TV SITCOM'S FUTURE

When Friends first went on the air, Jennifer Aniston looked like that (full pic here). And no one cared about her. Because she was ugly, and the least talented of the three female leads, by far.

Then she got that famous haircut, “The Rachel”, and it swept the country and everyone loved it and she was a star and the center of attention and suddenly people were saying she was pretty and she was dating Brad Pitt. That haircut literally changed her life, for the better, overnight.

OK, now try and guess if she’s grateful.

“Have there been disasters? I think that’s a very relative term with hair. Let’s say there have been moments I’d rather not relive, like that whole Rachel thing,” she tells Allure of the ‘Friends’ ‘do that started it all.
“I love Chris [McMillan, her hairstylist], and he’s the bane of my existence at the same time because he started that damn Rachel, which was not my best look. How do I say this? I think it was the ugliest haircut I’ve ever seen. What I really want to know is, how did that thing have legs? Let’s just say I’m not a fan of short, layered cuts on me personally, so I don’t love revisiting that particular era,” she adds.

God I hate this bitch. In a figurative sense, her pissy attitude casts an ugly shadow over everything she does. In a literal sense, it’s her chin that does that.

(NOTE: if you run an image search on “the rachel haircut”, you get an old picture of Rachel Nichols and her big boobs in a bikini, so here they are so Aniston will stop fuggin up my sexy website)

Jennifer Aniston is a drunk

By brendon January 06, 2011 @ 5:09 PM







A lot of people are making fun of Jennifer Aniston today because she was drunk at the Peoples Choice Awards last night and could barely slur enough words together to give Adam Sandler his award. Actually she didn’t slur enough words together because she forgot one of the two awards, but reading words out loud is incredibly hard. They should have someone else do that. Maybe that homeless guy. They were expecting too much, they should have made it easier. They could say “to present this award, here’s Jennifer Ansiton”, and she could come out and they could have a chair and she could sit down, and then the homeless guy could read the names and Jennifer could say “yyaaayyy” and clap her hands and then the winner could come up and get the trophy from a model and she’d be like “ooohhhh” and she could clap some more and then they’d finish and backstage they’d wave their arms and shout, “Jennifer, come on, over here,” and she’d eventually walk over and they would all be like, “yay Jennifer you did it” and she’d say “yay I did it!”

Jennifer Aniston is distancing herself from Chelsea Handler

By brendon December 22, 2010 @ 4:49 PM

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When we last saw Jennifer Aniston, she was pouting (shocking, I know) about Chelsea Handler calling Angelina Jolie a “cunt”, immediately after Handler and Aniston went on vacation together. Apparently Aniston thought everyone would assume they spent the vacation trashing Angelina. And 10 points to Aniston, because she was correct, and that is in fact what everyone thinks.

Now, Popeater says Aniston has done what she does best: excruciating amounts of soul searching followed by feeling sorry for herself.

“Jen and Chelsea haven’t officially fallen out but they certainly won’t be going on vacation together for a long time unless Chelsea promises to never talk about Angelina again,” a friend of Chelsea’s tells me. “She understands that what Chelsea did was out of loyalty, but it didn’t help. In fact, it made things worse.”
“Jen is a very private person. It’s one thing to crash Angelina in private; it’s another to do it in public. Chelsea should have known better and is feeling Jen’s cold shoulder for her mistake.”

No, Jen is not a very private person. That’s why we’re still talking about this. Because she cried about Brad Pitt Brad Pitt Brad Pitt to anyone who would listen for 5 years. You could record every single word Pitt says for an entire year, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d swear he’d never even met Jennifer Ansiton.

Jennifer Aniston told Chelsea Handler to shut up

By brendon December 08, 2010 @ 2:46 PM

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Jennifer Aniston is upset with Chelsea Handler for calling Angelina Jolie a home wrecker and a cunt, because, as we all know, Jennifer has tried so hard to keep her feelings about Angelina private, and the last thing she wants to do is to keep reviving stories about her and Brad Pitt.

No seriously that’s what this says. As you can probably tell, it makes a lot more sense if you haven’t read anything about Jennifer Aniston in the past 5 years. A source tells Popeater…

“Jen has gone out of her way to keep her private feelings about that woman who stole her husband private and has always asked her friends to do the same. She is furious with Chelsea for bringing the whole situation back to life again and landing her on the cover of a weekly magazine tomorrow with a Brad headline.”
Sources tell me Jen hasn’t felt this betrayed since John Mayer held a “press conference” to announce he was breaking up with her. Yeah, that was pretty bad.
“Jen doesn’t just let these sort of people in her life,” a friend of the actress tells me. “She hates drama or unnecessary attention and certainly doesn’t want to ever see her face on a tabloid again with a headline about Angie or Brad.”
“Even so, she’s happy Chelsea made it clear her rant had nothing to do with her and wishes she’d just keep her big mouth shut in the future.”

Yeah you shut your mouth little girl, or else you get the back of the hand. Just leave Jennifer alone. She’s got enough to deal with. Like the big solitary tournament on line, and she has to finish knitting her cats Santa costume. Ooooo, the big day is right around the corner!

Chelsea Handler called Angelina Jolie a “f***ing c***.”

By brendon December 06, 2010 @ 12:02 PM

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Chelsea Handler (who was sleeping with the president of E when she got her talk show. which is on E. what a coincidence!) was in Mexico last week, spending her Thanksgiving vacation with new BFF Jennifer Aniston. Gee, I wonder what they talked about. Us.com says…

“(Angelina Jolie is) a homewrecker,” Handler, 35 (*), said.
“She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants. I don’t f***ing believe you. She gives interviews, ‘I don’t have a lot of female friends.’ Because you’re a f***ing c*** ,” Handler bellowed.
“You’re a f***ing b***h!”

7 years. It’s been 7 god damn years since Jolie was cast in Mr and Mrs Smith. And yet, here we are. What’s more likely, that Jolie seduced Pitt, or that Aniston is an unstable asshole and drove Pitt away. It’s not his fault she can’t keep a boyfriend. On the bright side, if that bitter old bitches pussy gets any more neglected and ignored maybe Angelina will adopt it.

(*) 35? seriously? jesus christ she might as well have said 18.

Monday morning headlines

By brendon November 29, 2010 @ 11:32 AM

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LESLIE NIELSEN – died last night due to complications from pneumonia. The complication being that he had pneumonia. It’s sometimes forgotten that he was a respected dramatic actor until Airplane in 1980, which is still his best movie. The key to good satire is to not acknowledge any of the weird shit happening around you and play everything real serious. That’s what Scary/Epic/Disaster Movie doesn’t understand. Comparing those movies and Airplane as “satire” is like comparing the Notebook and Young Black Bucks Doin Mature Fatties as “love stories”. (roger ebert)

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS – barely beat out Tangled ($50 million to $49 million) to win the weekend box office, but has now made a staggering $609 million worldwide in just 2 weeks. If it keeps this pace, it will make over 15 billion dollars by next year. I haven’t looked it up but I believe that would be a new record. (mojo 1, mojo 2)

CHELSEA HANDLER – spent Thanksgiving down in Cabo with new friend Jennifer Ansiton. Gosh, I wonder why Aniston seems to have a new cycle of friends every 9 months. How weird. Because she’s such a delight to be around. (splash)