Chelsea Handler called Angelina Jolie a “f***ing c***.”

By brendon December 06, 2010 @ 12:02 PM

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Chelsea Handler (who was sleeping with the president of E when she got her talk show. which is on E. what a coincidence!) was in Mexico last week, spending her Thanksgiving vacation with new BFF Jennifer Aniston. Gee, I wonder what they talked about. Us.com says…

“(Angelina Jolie is) a homewrecker,” Handler, 35 (*), said.
“She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants. I don’t f***ing believe you. She gives interviews, ‘I don’t have a lot of female friends.’ Because you’re a f***ing c*** ,” Handler bellowed.
“You’re a f***ing b***h!”

7 years. It’s been 7 god damn years since Jolie was cast in Mr and Mrs Smith. And yet, here we are. What’s more likely, that Jolie seduced Pitt, or that Aniston is an unstable asshole and drove Pitt away. It’s not his fault she can’t keep a boyfriend. On the bright side, if that bitter old bitches pussy gets any more neglected and ignored maybe Angelina will adopt it.

(*) 35? seriously? jesus christ she might as well have said 18.

Monday morning headlines

By brendon November 29, 2010 @ 11:32 AM

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LESLIE NIELSEN – died last night due to complications from pneumonia. The complication being that he had pneumonia. It’s sometimes forgotten that he was a respected dramatic actor until Airplane in 1980, which is still his best movie. The key to good satire is to not acknowledge any of the weird shit happening around you and play everything real serious. That’s what Scary/Epic/Disaster Movie doesn’t understand. Comparing those movies and Airplane as “satire” is like comparing the Notebook and Young Black Bucks Doin Mature Fatties as “love stories”. (roger ebert)

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS – barely beat out Tangled ($50 million to $49 million) to win the weekend box office, but has now made a staggering $609 million worldwide in just 2 weeks. If it keeps this pace, it will make over 15 billion dollars by next year. I haven’t looked it up but I believe that would be a new record. (mojo 1, mojo 2)

CHELSEA HANDLER – spent Thanksgiving down in Cabo with new friend Jennifer Ansiton. Gosh, I wonder why Aniston seems to have a new cycle of friends every 9 months. How weird. Because she’s such a delight to be around. (splash)

Jennifer Aniston still looks ok in a bikini

By brendon November 29, 2010 @ 9:56 AM

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Jennifer Ansiton spent Thanksgiving in Cabo again this year, and even though she’s whiny, spoiled and generally unpleasant, it’s hard to deny that she has nice boobs for an old lady. Unfortunately they’re right between that hagged, frozen face and those stick-like arms. God might as well have put those tits on a mean tree that comes to life in a haunted forest.

(source = splash news online)

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are still real kissy

By brendon October 13, 2010 @ 1:50 PM

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Angelina Jolie is in Budapest today, making her directorial debut on a love story set during the Bosnian-Serbian war, and either she thinks genocide is funny or these two still really get along because she was giddy as a little girl when Brad Pitt showed up.

They’ve been together 7 years now, which is 8 years longer than the tabloids said they would be. Jennifer Aniston probably keeps an axe near her TV in case ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’ comes on, and fixates on the fact that Jolie only got the part because Nicole Kidman dropped out and Catherine Zeta Jones turned it down, but I bet Pitt would have left her for Zeta Jones or Kidman too. Why wouldn’t he? That bitch is awful. I’d rather be in a room with that thing in ‘Alien’ that lays eggs in your chest than Jennifer fucking Aniston.

(image source = splash news and inf)

Thursday afternoon headlines

By brendon August 26, 2010 @ 6:27 PM

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JON MAYER – went on tumblr and said the Huffington Post is “full of shit”, in a 463 word response to a 150 word story that implied he might be back together with Jennifer Aniston. Maybe he overreacted, but let’s see someone blab that you’re dating that fug bitch and see how you like it. (tumblr, huff post)

JEREMY RENNER – has won the lead opposite Tom Cruise in ‘Mission: Impossible 4′, directed by Brad Bird, which will begin production in the fall and film in the U.S., Vancouver, Prague and Dubai. Cruise is expected to star in ‘M:I 5′ as well, but after that the franchise may be handed over to Renner. Actually you can bank on it, because if there’s one thing Hollywood is good at, it’s making long range plans and sticking to it. (deadline)

MATT DAMON – was back today filming scenes for the new season of ’30 Rock’ (which finally got good last year) and Sherri Shepherd posted a picture of them with Tracy Morgan. Damon plays a pilot who dates Tina Fey, while Shepherd plays the last thing a pound of bacon ever sees. (twitpic)

SOPHIE MONK – is in Hawaii in a bikini, which is more than enough to make the page on a day this incredibly slow. Seriously did you see that Matt Damon story? WTF was that all about? (pacific coast)

Monday morning headlines

By brendon August 23, 2010 @ 1:32 AM

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JENNIFER ANISTON – bombed again this weekend. Her movie ‘The Switch’ opened in 8th place. The chart above is her box office bio. Take out ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ (which was an ensemble), ‘Marley and Me’ (which stared an adorable puppy, based on those popular Contennelle commercials), and ‘Bruce Almighty’ (which stared Jim Carey in his prime), and she’s only had one hit. Ever. I could charge people to watch my Girls With Big Tits screen saver and make more than ‘Management’. (box office mojo)

WYCLEF JEAN – says he is still fighting to get on the ballot for Haitis presidential election. Though no reason was given to explain why his initial application was rejected, under Haitian law a presidential candidate must have lived in the country for five consecutive years leading up to the election. “When the fuck did this shithole get laws,” Wyclef probably said. (popeater)

JAY LENO – is no favorite of mine, but he performed for free at the Beau Rivage Casino in Biloxi Saturday night and raised $90,336 for Gulf Coast residents effected by the BP oil spill. Then on top of that he chipped in some of his own money to make it an even $100,000. It obviously helped to have such a big star perform in Biloxi. Normally the headliner is a guy named Cooter who can wiggle his ears. (ap)

SHAUNA SAND – walked around Miami in a bikini this weekend, and if you wanted to see that for some inexplicable reason, here you go. (inf daily)