stop doing that

By brendon November 11, 2009 @ 11:35 AM

0035639pcn_garner04

Jennifer Garner went to dinner at Madeo in Beverly Hills last night with Jessica Biel. I think. I think that’s Jennifer Garner. It might not be. Because this person is acting as if they’ve never seen a camera before. It’s like when they first pulled back the curtain on King Kong. If I were those photographers, I would turn and run as fast as my legs would carry me, because she is gonna grab the first living thing she can and kill it.

(source = fame and pacific coast)

is ben affleck cheating?

By brendon September 15, 2009 @ 6:42 PM

34102PCN_Blake

Just a few weeks ago there were pictures (here) of Ben Affleck on the set of ‘the Town’ (and not ‘Valentines Day’ as I said then. Someone was nice enough to send me an email about it but I’m far too stuck up to edit my mistakes) with Blake Lively, and they did anything but help the rumors that Ben was cheating on Jennifer Garner. Now comes this blind item:

Which A-lister couple’s relationship is on the rocks. Seems he is cheating with his much younger co-star and the wife is now trying to accompany the two on set as much as possible. She heard the rumors way before we did and is now hanging around to nip this thing in the bud. Not Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.

I don’t think it’s right, but if God didn’t want guys to cheat on their wives with Blake Lively, he should have thought of that before he made her rack so awesome. She’s got the firmest looking breasts I’ve ever seen. They just beg to be rubbed up and down. If Ben is innocent of all this, then I apologize. I also apologize if that was your sister I banged this weekend. She gets really clingy afterward, huh? What’s that all about?

more adorable baby news

By brendon January 14, 2009 @ 4:52 AM

I don’t know if Jenifer Garner and Ben Affleck are stubborn or high or sarcastic or what, but they gave birth to that goblin above last year and yet still decided to have another one this year.  It's not very nice to call her ugly, but let's be reasonable: she started it by being so ugly.  Plus, she's not even 2.  Fuck her.  It's not like she and her friends are reading this.  She should be glad just to be alive.  That mongoloid would have been throw in a well 1000 years ago, and rightfully so, but I digress.  It's time to learn the name of the new kid.  Aren’t you excited, I know I am!  People magazine says…

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck to the adorable celebuspawn roster.  No explanation of the name has been offered, but the Baby Name Wizard defines it as "derived from the Hebrew seraphim (burning ones), a name used in the Bible for the heavenly winged angels surrounding the throne of God."

These dumb names aren’t as bad when they’re given to girls.  They still sound like idiots, but if I went to grade school with a boy with one of these dumb Hollywood names, I would very definitely call him queer and then hold him down and put dead birds on his face.  It's part of my tough love program.

OH GOOD, MORE KIDS

By brendon January 07, 2009 @ 5:36 AM

Jennifer Garner gave birth to a little girl last night, the second child for her and husband Ben Affleck.  And thank god too.  I was really worried we didn’t have enough kids in this country.  People magazine says:

The actress's rep says: "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl."
The baby was born Tuesday in Los Angeles. No other details were immediately available.
Garner and Affleck, both 36, are also parents to daughter Violet, 3.

I cannot stand GD kids so if this was supposed to be heart warming it failed on every level.  Do you have any idea how much of MY life is regulated because of stupid GD kids that I don’t have?  From back windows I can't roll down to lighters I can't light to medicine caps I can't open to that insufferable beeping that you can hear in the next state every time a delivery truck goes backwards.  No tits on TV.  Why?  Kids.  "Let's regulate the internet and set up a rating system!"  Why?  Kids.  There are stickers all over my new cars sun visor.  Do you know why?  That's right.  Kids.  I DON’T HAVE FUCKING KIDS, AND I'M NOT HERE TO HELP RAISE THE ONES OTHER PEOPLE HAVE. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING KIDS PEOPLE!  Do you have any idea how many taxes I pay for after school programs and school breakfast programs and juvenile facilities, all for kids I don’t fucking have, all because some other dipshit had a kid and they’re either too dumb or too poor to raise them.  WHY IS THIS ON ME NOW?  I DON’T WANNA PAY FOR YOUR STUPID FUCKING KIDS!  YOU HAD THEM, YOU RAISE THEM!   How many crimes are committed by kids under 16?  I m willing to guess it's 98 percent.  Who is it kicking off my side mirrors at night and fueling the meth industry?  Is it old Asian men, or is it 15-year-old idiots?  STOP HAVING KIDS, do whatever you can.  If you’re gonna have sex and you don’t have a condom, take your gum and stick that on the end of your penis.  Or better yet get a cork and shove that down there, or throw some kitty litter in her vagina before you start.  Do something, anything, i don't care, I'm just sick of your GD kids.

Oh but congratulations to Ben and Jennifer.  What a blessed day this is.

JENNIFERS CRAZY STALKER SEEMS NICE

By brendon November 20, 2008 @ 10:22 AM

Jennifer Garner today received a permanent restraining order against Steven Burky, a 36-year-old man from Pennsylvania who has been following Garner obsessively since 2002.  He’s appeared on her film sets, at her home and at personal appearances, and has written her hundreds of letters and messages professing his love and warnings about her safety.   The New York Daily News says…

Burky, 36, is a born-again Christian who believes he was the victim of satanic abuse rituals as a child in Pennsylvania, according to his blog.
"Almost not a day has gone by when I have not written or talked aloud of my love for you," he wrote in one note. "But I don't know if you were ever allowed to hear it."
In a February email to a film crew member, he begged that Garner be warned about a vision.
"The vision shows that a persecution may take place in broad daylight against Jennifer Garner for her faith in Jesus Christ," it said. "The vision showed Mrs. Garner surrounded by a mob in public.
"It also involves the possible emergence of a dark secret in America. The presence of illicit witchcraft going on in this country, and illicit sacrifices."

See this paints Burky as the bad guy, but what if illicit witches are out there right now saying, "damn, this guy is on to us, and our dark sacrifices."  Then he would be the hero.  Granted, if that’s not the case, then Garner did the right thing.  Celebrities should get law enforcement involved whenever a fan starts showing up at their house and saying they love them.  Unless I’m the one doing it, in which case maybe Megan Fox just needs to stop being so stuck up.

JENNIFER GARNER IS NOT BAD

By brendon September 02, 2008 @ 3:07 PM

I can’t decide if Jennifer Garner looks good or not with no makeup on.  I’ve clicked on each of these pictures twice and I still can’t tell.  So while I’m pontificating over that, just remember, no matter how dull you think your life is, just realize it's like the car chase from Matrix compared to mine right now.