more adorable baby news

By brendon January 14, 2009 @ 4:52 AM

I don’t know if Jenifer Garner and Ben Affleck are stubborn or high or sarcastic or what, but they gave birth to that goblin above last year and yet still decided to have another one this year.  It's not very nice to call her ugly, but let's be reasonable: she started it by being so ugly.  Plus, she's not even 2.  Fuck her.  It's not like she and her friends are reading this.  She should be glad just to be alive.  That mongoloid would have been throw in a well 1000 years ago, and rightfully so, but I digress.  It's time to learn the name of the new kid.  Aren’t you excited, I know I am!  People magazine says…

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck to the adorable celebuspawn roster.  No explanation of the name has been offered, but the Baby Name Wizard defines it as "derived from the Hebrew seraphim (burning ones), a name used in the Bible for the heavenly winged angels surrounding the throne of God."

These dumb names aren’t as bad when they’re given to girls.  They still sound like idiots, but if I went to grade school with a boy with one of these dumb Hollywood names, I would very definitely call him queer and then hold him down and put dead birds on his face.  It's part of my tough love program.

OH GOOD, MORE KIDS

By brendon January 07, 2009 @ 5:36 AM

Jennifer Garner gave birth to a little girl last night, the second child for her and husband Ben Affleck.  And thank god too.  I was really worried we didn’t have enough kids in this country.  People magazine says:

The actress's rep says: "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl."
The baby was born Tuesday in Los Angeles. No other details were immediately available.
Garner and Affleck, both 36, are also parents to daughter Violet, 3.

I cannot stand GD kids so if this was supposed to be heart warming it failed on every level.  Do you have any idea how much of MY life is regulated because of stupid GD kids that I don’t have?  From back windows I can't roll down to lighters I can't light to medicine caps I can't open to that insufferable beeping that you can hear in the next state every time a delivery truck goes backwards.  No tits on TV.  Why?  Kids.  "Let's regulate the internet and set up a rating system!"  Why?  Kids.  There are stickers all over my new cars sun visor.  Do you know why?  That's right.  Kids.  I DON’T HAVE FUCKING KIDS, AND I'M NOT HERE TO HELP RAISE THE ONES OTHER PEOPLE HAVE. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING KIDS PEOPLE!  Do you have any idea how many taxes I pay for after school programs and school breakfast programs and juvenile facilities, all for kids I don’t fucking have, all because some other dipshit had a kid and they’re either too dumb or too poor to raise them.  WHY IS THIS ON ME NOW?  I DON’T WANNA PAY FOR YOUR STUPID FUCKING KIDS!  YOU HAD THEM, YOU RAISE THEM!   How many crimes are committed by kids under 16?  I m willing to guess it's 98 percent.  Who is it kicking off my side mirrors at night and fueling the meth industry?  Is it old Asian men, or is it 15-year-old idiots?  STOP HAVING KIDS, do whatever you can.  If you’re gonna have sex and you don’t have a condom, take your gum and stick that on the end of your penis.  Or better yet get a cork and shove that down there, or throw some kitty litter in her vagina before you start.  Do something, anything, i don't care, I'm just sick of your GD kids.

Oh but congratulations to Ben and Jennifer.  What a blessed day this is.

JENNIFERS CRAZY STALKER SEEMS NICE

By brendon November 20, 2008 @ 10:22 AM

Jennifer Garner today received a permanent restraining order against Steven Burky, a 36-year-old man from Pennsylvania who has been following Garner obsessively since 2002.  He’s appeared on her film sets, at her home and at personal appearances, and has written her hundreds of letters and messages professing his love and warnings about her safety.   The New York Daily News says…

Burky, 36, is a born-again Christian who believes he was the victim of satanic abuse rituals as a child in Pennsylvania, according to his blog.
"Almost not a day has gone by when I have not written or talked aloud of my love for you," he wrote in one note. "But I don't know if you were ever allowed to hear it."
In a February email to a film crew member, he begged that Garner be warned about a vision.
"The vision shows that a persecution may take place in broad daylight against Jennifer Garner for her faith in Jesus Christ," it said. "The vision showed Mrs. Garner surrounded by a mob in public.
"It also involves the possible emergence of a dark secret in America. The presence of illicit witchcraft going on in this country, and illicit sacrifices."

See this paints Burky as the bad guy, but what if illicit witches are out there right now saying, "damn, this guy is on to us, and our dark sacrifices."  Then he would be the hero.  Granted, if that’s not the case, then Garner did the right thing.  Celebrities should get law enforcement involved whenever a fan starts showing up at their house and saying they love them.  Unless I’m the one doing it, in which case maybe Megan Fox just needs to stop being so stuck up.

JENNIFER GARNER IS NOT BAD

By brendon September 02, 2008 @ 3:07 PM

I can’t decide if Jennifer Garner looks good or not with no makeup on.  I’ve clicked on each of these pictures twice and I still can’t tell.  So while I’m pontificating over that, just remember, no matter how dull you think your life is, just realize it's like the car chase from Matrix compared to mine right now.

JENNIFER GARNER IS PREGNANT AGAIN

By brendon July 18, 2008 @ 5:57 AM

What's been rumored for a few weeks has now been made all but official, as sources close to the couple have confirmed that Jennifer Garner and husband Ben Affleck are expecting another baby.  Garner’s former "Alias" co-star Victor Garber told Us magazine…

"Yes, she is," Garber, who currently stars on ABC's Eli Stone, told Us when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting.
A source adds, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."
Garner, 36, and Affleck, 35, are parents to two-year-old daughter Violet
"Honestly, that child is so inquisitive and so full of life — it’s all Jennifer and Ben!" Garber gushed to Usmagazine.com in November 2007. "I have to say, he’s an amazing dad and together, she’s a very fortunate little girl to be in that family!"

Wow, kudos to Ben Affleck.  He’s very brave.  I'm sure she's a charming little girl but if I had given birth to that goblin I would have called it quits right there.  A thousand years ago if you gave birth to something that looked like that the church would chop your penis off and burn it.

HEADED FOR DIVORCE?

By brendon June 25, 2008 @ 7:59 AM

Ted Casablanca over on E! says today that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, seemingly one of the more normal Hollywood couples, may be headed for a divorce.  Ted says…

Terribly unfortunate scuttlebutt has come my way. Sources insist to me that Jennifer Garner is considering splitting up from her hubby, Ben Affleck … Could this be the reason Jen and Ben are always seen cooing over adorable daughter Violet separately, rarely as one happy family unit? Perhaps.

He’s right about them rarely being seen together.  I had to go to page 29 on Bauer Griffin on a "Jennifer Garner" search to find them within 10 feet of each other.  I would assume Affleck is the one instigating this.  He's probably losing interest.  He’s got that goblin looking kid and he probably blames her, and although she’s beautiful, Garner doesn’t look like she’d be good in bed.  She looks like she handles a penis like she thinks it has a bunch of sharp edges or something.