TOM CRUISE WANTED JENNIFER GARNER

By brendon January 15, 2008 @ 12:48 PM

A new book by biographer Andrew Morton (the same one who said Cruise is second in command in the church of scientology) says that after Tom Cruise dated Sofia Vergara and before he dated Katie Holmes, the person he really wanted to date was Jennifer Garner.  Us.com says:

Morton writes that Cruise left messages on the Alias star's voice mail in 2004 asking "if she knew what freedom was," but his advances were rebuffed.
The book also claims Holmes signed a contract to commit to Scientology and that her father brokered a high-paying pre-nup.

There's actually an old story that, before he met Katie, Tom made a list of names of girls that would be good for his career.  The list was Scarlett Johansson, Kate Bosworth and Katie Holmes.  Some say Jessica Alba was on the list as well.  Scarlett was actually cast in "Mission: Impossible III" but dropped out when it became clear Cruise was trying to convert/F her.   He even brought her to the Scientology center in Los Angeles where he spoke to her for two hours about the cult, the revealed a secret room where a table full of high ranking scientologists had been waiting to have dinner with them.  That was when Scarlett took off.  Then Tom took out a crystal ball and shouted, "After her you fools, she's getting away!"  Then he watched the chase in a big leather chair in front of a wall of monitors and tapped his fingers together.  "Oh yes", sources claim he said.  "My kitten she likes the pain."



JENNIFER GARNER IS PREGNANT. MAYBE.

By brendon July 13, 2007 @ 3:37 PM

X17 Online has more pictures today that may or may not show that Jennifer Garner is indeed pregnant for the second time with husband Ben Affleck.  Which is amazing because she’s delightful and he’s a self important jackass.  He also claims the holocaust never happened, calls Mexicans "lazy", and uses "Canadians" as code for black people so he can bad-mouth them in public.  "I'm not going to see the movie there, that's where all the Canadians go", you'll often hear him say.



JENNIFER GARNER IS PREGNANT. MAYBE.

By brendon June 27, 2007 @ 12:29 PM

Jenifer Garner is still is Hawaii with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon and his wife (that's her in the blue), and these pictures will do anything but help the rumors that Garner is pregnant again.  Because she looks kinda pregnant.  Or maybe she still has fat from the first baby.  Either way she should wear something looser.  Because girls in tight shirts with guts are gross.  Fat people and pregnant people have a lot in common so they might as well start hanging out and go shopping for loose clothing.  Or wrestle.  Or whatever it is giant people do for kicks.

JENNIFER GARNER IS DOING THIS

By brendon June 21, 2007 @ 11:03 PM

Jennifer Garner is still in Hawaii this week with husband Ben Affleck, and today Jennifer did this.  I have no idea what it is or if she's doing it right, but, look, there she is.   Man, these two really know how to experience the pleasures of life.  This great sport seems to combine all the cardio benefits of standing still with all the excitement of holding a paddle.  It's about the same workout you might get from lighting a candle or having a scary dream.



ANOTHER BABY FOR AFFLECK AND GARNER?

By brendon June 13, 2007 @ 3:46 PM

CBB is one of many asking if Jennifer Garner might be pregnant for the second time with husband Ben Affleck, because of recent pictures that show Garner looking like it's a distinct possibility.  Which is amazing, because, umm … wow.  Their daughter Violet may grow up to be gorgeous – and it's possible because her mom is super hot – but she's off to a very very very very very bad start.  If that thing came crawling across the floor at me, I'd scream in terror and then drown it.  That's the kind of thing you see in movies right before a guy loads his crossbow and a Mexican woman makes the sign of the cross.

VIOLET AFFLECK MIGHT BE A GOBLIN

By brendon March 19, 2007 @ 1:03 PM

Thank god I'm not friends with Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, because one day they might hand me their baby and say, "Isn't she cute!!!"  And then I'd say "Uh … uh … uh …" and then throw the baby in the air and run away while they try to catch it.  Look at that baby fly!