Jennifer Lawrence Sure Does Fall A Lot

By Lex May 12, 2014 @ 4:35 PM

Jennifer Lawrence Attends The Premiere Of 'X Men - Days of Future Past' In New York
When I was a kid there’d be the occasional lady in the neighborhood who took a spill at public events and my mom would whisper to some other woman the word ‘drunk’. Then the klatch would nod knowingly and telephone game it around until that unbalanced woman would have to move away or maybe they killed her and dumped her in the Stepford River. You didn’t ask lots of questions back then. Not if you wanted ice cream for dessert. Jennifer Lawrence nearly took yet another tumble at the X-Men premiere. She got grabbed by two assistants who just happened to be waiting in the wings. I guess everybody but me is too polite to whisper ‘drunk’. Jennifer says she’s happy and getting married to her own secretly cross-dressing handsome British actor, but is she really? Whenever I see an attractive young woman in obvious trouble like Jennifer I think to myself, man, I hope she gets so fucked up she forgets to wear panties the next time she face plants.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Whoa, Jennifer Lawrence Has a Ring On Her Finger Next to Her Middle Finger

By Lex April 25, 2014 @ 3:41 PM

Jennifer Lawrence Flips Off The Paparazzi In London

In an effort to distract attention from her possible engagement ring, Jennifer Lawrence flipped off her middle finger at the British paparazzi while leaving somewhere in London to go somewhere else in London. Maybe to the pub to get some chips with HP sauce or something. Jennifer might be engaged to Nicholas Hoult, the kid who was the boy in About a Boy when it was just a movie you had to see to get laid on a date, not a TV show where you had to pretend Minnie Driver looked amazing so she didn’t peel off her face with a Bowie knife and mail it to you to teach you a lesson. Their marriage would continue the long line of American celebrity women figuring it’d be a good idea to marry skinny male model looking British performers who seem super duper gay. The success rate on those nuptials is pretty low, but you do get to into those exclusive London clubs where you wonder why you can’t smell any cigars even though six men previously announced they were going into the private lounge to smoke some Churchills.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Jennifer Lawrence Isn’t Wearing Any Panties

By Lex March 04, 2014 @ 3:20 PM

Jennifer Lawrence Not Wearing Panties At The 2014 Vanity Fair Oscar Party
Jennifer Lawrence took a break from being disgusted by Hollywood selling young sexy woman to show up without panties at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. It’s a bold meta statement on her desire to get the media to confess their sins. Quit looking at my pussy, you insidious sellers of snatch! As a reflection of her principles, Jennifer donates five-percent of revenues from all gigs she books due to her big young rack to a charity that helps hot women lament their good looks.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Slaves Had It Better Than Jennifer Lawrence

By Jack January 14, 2014 @ 3:51 PM

Director David O. Russell got into trouble this week when he compared leading lady Jennifer Lawrence’s work on The Hunger Games to slavery. He was talking to the NY Daily News about his favorite young ingenue and how he worries about her health because she works too hard playing Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games movies. He says, “I personally think they should give her a bit of breathing room over there because they’re printing money.” Then he just couldn’t shut the fuck about about the persecution she faces:

“I’ll tell you what it is about that girl — talk about 12 years of slavery, that’s what the franchise is. And I’m going to get in so much trouble for saying that.”

You don’t really get in trouble for saying stupid shit, people just think you’re stupid. I’m sure that young Ms. Lawrence works long hours filming The Hunger Games, it isn’t exactly fucking slavery is it? Most cotton slaves didn’t get paid $10 million to play dress up and learn a few lines to mouth out. I do think many slaves lived in hotel rooms and had private trailers and fresh veggie platters with hummus, but they definitely didn’t get paid the ten mill. David O. Russell needs to learn that errant and idiotic analogies to slavery are best left to pandering civil rights leaders and cable talk show hosts. If he wants to help, he could convinced Jennifer to take her top off in his next film. From goat to hero just like that.

Joan Rivers Calls Jennifer Lawrence On Her Shit

By Jack December 26, 2013 @ 3:31 PM

Joan Rivers is calling out Jennifer Lawrence for saying that the old crone is a bad influenece on girls. Katniss told Barbara Walters that she thinks shows like Rivers’ Fashion Police tell the youngin’s that it’s OK to ridicule the way people look. Lawrence has told anyone who’ll listen that she hates the Hollywood culture of Photoshopping and crash dieting. Rivers isn’t buying it. she thinks that it’s all an act Lawrence is doing to look cool. She told The New York Post that,

“My New Year’s resolution is [ensuring] Jennifer Lawrence grows up and realizes how lucky she is and calms down. I love that she’s telling everyone how wrong it is to worry about retouching and body image, and meanwhile, she has been touched up more than a choir boy at the Vatican. Look at her posters. She doesn’t have a nose, she has two holes. She just has to learn, don’t talk if you’re doing it.”

She’s got a point. Priests do like little boys. Also, Lawrence’s photos get retouched all the time. There is no way to escape that shit in celebrity culture. Vanity Fair doesn’t want muffin tops on their cover. For all the innate hypocrisy, women like to see their women anorexic. If Jennifer Lawrence was really disgusted she could quit the business and write a blog calling out Hollywood that nobody will care about like others before her. Rivers may be many things: scary, mean, the Crypt Keeper physically composed entirely of dead sailors rendered flesh, but she is pretty good at calling people on their bullshit. If she was a few hundred years younger, I’d do her.

Jennifer Lawrence And The Display Of Buttplugs

By Jack December 19, 2013 @ 1:02 PM

Jennifer Lawrence was visiting Conan O’Brien and told him if she hadn’t been an actress, she would’ve liked to be a hotel maid because she likes to clean and snoop through people’s shit. She then told the tale about how recently she was given an assortment of butt plugs “as a joke” and hid them under her hotel bed. When she returned the maid had thoughtfully arranged them in a display on her night table. Ah, the old ‘gag gift’ excuse that people have been employing since the first wife ever found Ben Wa balls in her husbands sock drawer. Mostly Jennifer’s story has me once again imagining the actual horror of being a hotel maid and the shit you must find when cleaning those rooms. Yep, most of those nasty porn clips you’re watching for free online were shot in a hotel room somewhere. That BBW MILF taking a train of college studs was probably shot at the Holiday Inn you might be staying in for Christmas. Don’t be surprised to find a pair of oversized panties stuffed behind the headboard. And that’s what people are doing when there’s a camera on them. Imagine what guests are doing in the privacy of their own travel abodes. Sure, occasionally you’ll get Oscar winning actress butt plugs. But that’s like pulling a winning Lotto ticket. The rest of the time it’s spooge stained towels by way of Joel from Akron. Somebody’s got to refold that towel and put it back in the rack for the next guy to wipe his face with.