Camera Phone Hacking, I’ve Seen Them All Naked

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

Kate-Upton-Topless-on-Instagram

I have looked. And I will look again.

America is in a collective tizzy right now. Half of them are drenching their knee-highs to photos of celebrity exposed titties, the other half are penning lamentations on Yahoo and Huffington Post about societal decay. The big cellphone camera leak. I mean, not leak, we’re supposed to call it grand larceny and conspiracy to reveal snatch to make it sound more threatening. Last century we had the Holocaust. This century, the hacking of celebrity phones to see Kirsten Dunst titties. One thing the Internet has not provided us as a society is perspective.

I’ve seen every single picture that was made available. I feel oddly not guilty. When I see people peering up at the sky, I look up at the sky. If I look up and I see Kate Upton’s giant magical boobs, I’m going to yell for my buddy to tilt his eyes skyward as well. I’d like someone to share that experience with. That’s sort of gay, but it doesn’t count if you’re peeking Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver.

What are we arguing? That stealing is wrong? Of course it is. As bad as I wanted to see Victoria Justice titties, I wouldn’t break into somebody’s house to see them. Maybe I’d jiggle the front door handle a few times. Are we not supposed to look when this shit comes out? Everybody has their prurient passions. I wait full stop on the freeway many days here because people just have to peek at the ambulance taking away the guy who thought motorcycles were a good idea on a road full of distracted SUVs.  Is watching a bloodied motorcyclist less prurient than staring at the absolutely wonderful minge on Krysten Ritter?

Celebrities are the usual target of these hackers for the simple fact that nobody gives a fuck about your grandmother. I’m not going to tell famous people to stop taking pictures of themselves grabbing their naked bits on the off chance they be stolen some day. We can’t let the terrorists win. I’d encourage more. And bring in some stagecraft like swings and Go-Pros mounted to the taint and well-endowed Guatemalan men. You’re in the entertainment business for fuck’s sake. Don’t give me duck face selfies in the toilet.

For all the legal claim hyperbole, celebrities have never been professionally harmed by the release of their nude and sexually explicit private content. Some have built TV and merchandising empires off of just that. It’s unfortunate that some people think just because you employ your sexuality and titties as part of your professional endeavors that you somehow deserve to have less rights to privacy in your personal time. You’re not supposed to follow the strippers home.  Most men get this. The others ought be locked up.

Respectfully, I’d ask that we separate the criminals from the rest of us who just want to see Verlander finish with a two-seamer on Kate Upton’s shoulder. When the rest of the world gives up voyeur TV and cable news coverage of missing hot college girls and sharing office gossip and listening to their neighbors fighting or fucking and accidentally looking at their boyfriend’s phone for texts, then I’ll put down the Jennifer Lawrence nudes. Until then, fuck you, you self-righteous rule makers.  My penis has the God-given right to be happy.

Photo credit: Kate Upton, self-posted to Instagram

Jennifer Lawrence Topless Maybe; Did Gwyneth Leak These Photos?

By Lex August 31, 2014 @ 2:09 PM

Jennifer-Lawrence-Flashes-a-Little-Sideboob-at-Dior-Fashion-Show-lb

Update: never underestimate the power of celebrities with big guns. The photos are no longer here. I do believe the Jennifer Lawrence topless photos are still alive and well on Reddit….

 

Fuck, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow has the capability of nabbing photos off the world’s digital servers, though she has the motive since Gay Beethoven and she split and he started dating Jennifer Lawrence. Of course, sending out pictures of Jennifer Lawrence’s big ole perfect titties doesn’t seem like much of a revenge plot. Oh, yeah, now nobody likes her. According to 4Chan, the Internet’s most unclaimed fountain of crap, these photos are legit. They sure look like Jennifer Lawrence the last time I saw her naked. I wouldn’t make any definitive judgements until you’re done masturbating. Refractory periods are when the Muses step in.

Miley Cyrus Called Bullshit On Jennifer Lawrence’s Oscars Story

By Travis May 23, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Miley is still so unique and original

Everybody’s favorite and totally not overexposed actress Jennifer Lawrence told Seth Meyers a funny story the other night about how she threw up at an Oscars after party, and what made it even funnier and quirkier for the girl next door is that she did it right in front of Miley Cyrus. Everybody ate this shit up with a shovel because Jennifer can’t do anything wrong, but at least one person thinks that this story is a little too cute to be true – Miley Cyrus. In a since deleted tweet, Miley responded to someone that Lawrence’s story “never happened,” which was actually a little bit disappointing. At least tell us what did happen. Did it simply “never happen”, as in Miley didn’t even attend that party? Or did it “never happen” as in Jennifer actually threw up on Miley, because she thought that some vomit on her dress would be a good excuse to strip down to a crotchless body suit and walk around with an Oscar statue in her twat? Details, you boring hick.

Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus’s Instagram

Jennifer Lawrence Won The Oscar For Best Barfing (VIDEO)

By Travis May 22, 2014 @ 2:00 PM

Everybody seems to love Jennifer Lawrence because she’s young and attractive and has no problem acting like an idiot, all in the name of being quirky and zany. She’s also an Oscar winner, so that bought her a few years of invincibility when it comes to behavior that would be considered really fucking annoying if pulled off by a lesser celebrity. So everyone’s just eating up her witty anecdote that she revealed to Seth Meyers on Late Night last night, about the time that she was at an Oscars after party and she threw up in front of other famous people. Even Miley Cyrus told her to get her shit together, which is really the ultimate sign in knowing that you’re acting like a complete asshole.

Jennifer Lawrence Sure Does Fall A Lot

By Lex May 12, 2014 @ 4:35 PM

Jennifer Lawrence Attends The Premiere Of 'X Men - Days of Future Past' In New York
When I was a kid there’d be the occasional lady in the neighborhood who took a spill at public events and my mom would whisper to some other woman the word ‘drunk’. Then the klatch would nod knowingly and telephone game it around until that unbalanced woman would have to move away or maybe they killed her and dumped her in the Stepford River. You didn’t ask lots of questions back then. Not if you wanted ice cream for dessert. Jennifer Lawrence nearly took yet another tumble at the X-Men premiere. She got grabbed by two assistants who just happened to be waiting in the wings. I guess everybody but me is too polite to whisper ‘drunk’. Jennifer says she’s happy and getting married to her own secretly cross-dressing handsome British actor, but is she really? Whenever I see an attractive young woman in obvious trouble like Jennifer I think to myself, man, I hope she gets so fucked up she forgets to wear panties the next time she face plants.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Whoa, Jennifer Lawrence Has a Ring On Her Finger Next to Her Middle Finger

By Lex April 25, 2014 @ 3:41 PM

Jennifer Lawrence Flips Off The Paparazzi In London

In an effort to distract attention from her possible engagement ring, Jennifer Lawrence flipped off her middle finger at the British paparazzi while leaving somewhere in London to go somewhere else in London. Maybe to the pub to get some chips with HP sauce or something. Jennifer might be engaged to Nicholas Hoult, the kid who was the boy in About a Boy when it was just a movie you had to see to get laid on a date, not a TV show where you had to pretend Minnie Driver looked amazing so she didn’t peel off her face with a Bowie knife and mail it to you to teach you a lesson. Their marriage would continue the long line of American celebrity women figuring it’d be a good idea to marry skinny male model looking British performers who seem super duper gay. The success rate on those nuptials is pretty low, but you do get to into those exclusive London clubs where you wonder why you can’t smell any cigars even though six men previously announced they were going into the private lounge to smoke some Churchills.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News