Jennifer Lopez wore a bikini

By brendon August 31, 2012 @ 4:12 PM

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Jennifer Lopez was hanging out at her hotel in Miami yesterday, then either got up to join her kids and boyfriend in the pool, or got up and fell in the pool because she blacked out after holding her breath and clinching her stomach while walking.

As always, choosing what pictures to use was an arduous process. First I went to 4 different photo agencies, then I sorted through dozens of very similar pictures to find the ones where she looked the fattest.

(image source = inf, splash, wenn, fame/flynet)

Jennifer Lopez says this never happened

By brendon August 02, 2012 @ 3:51 PM

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“Do not mess with Jenny from the Block,” E! says. “Actually go right ahead because she’s a fucking moron,” I countered.

Jennifer Lopez is fighting back at tabloid reports that her boyfriend, Casper Smart, recently visited an “exotic massage parlor” and a gay porn shop in New York City.
“These statements are false, malicious and defamatory,” the couple’s attorneys said this morning. “Ms. Lopez and Mr. Smart will pursue all remedies available to them under the law.”
(They’ve) demanded an immediate retraction or they will file suit against the mags.

Uh, it happened last week. I’m watching him do it right now. I can see him. He’s Casper the dancer, not ghost.

(image source = inf)

Jennifer Lopez’s boyfriend goes to peep shows

By brendon July 24, 2012 @ 2:21 PM

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Jennifer Lopez’s boyfriend Casper Smart went to a peep show in New York City yesterday, but I’m not gonna judge him because I would probably do the same thing if I had to date Jennifer Lopez. She’s such a cunt, the sex must be awful.

The girls at a peep show, especially during the day, are there because they’re too ugly to be strippers. You might as well try to jack off to a child birth video, only a medieval gynecologist will ever have seen a vagina that wrecked, but he’s going for it anyway because at least this girl won’t complain the entire time.

Oh and Jennifer Lopez turns 43 today. So, um, happy birthday.

(image source = inf)

Jennifer Lopez was actually “dumped” by American Idol

By brendon July 13, 2012 @ 6:12 PM

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When word first got that Jennifer Lopez was talking about leaving ‘American Idol’ two months ago, some immediately speculated that it was simply a tactic to get a raise. But then she kept talking about spending more time with her family, and how hard it was for her to leave, and today she called Ryan Seacrest and it was all so sweet and touching that I cried for like an hour.

Oh but in reality she won’t be back because she wanted a raise to $17 million a year and Fox told her no. The Wrap says:

J. Lo’s fee went from $12 million in her first season to $15 million in her second. When she asked for another $2 million, the network surprised her by not making a counteroffer.
“Idol” lost its top spot in the ratings to NBC’s “Sunday Night Football” last season after eight years of dominance. In their two seasons, Tyler and Lopez helped prop up the show. But they could not return it to its former dominance.

Oh so she just wanted more money. What a surprise. I assumed she really liked the kids on the show. I picture her taking one of them on a tandem bike ride down by a stream, and then having a picnic lunch that she prepared, because she’s such a nice person that you always hear such delightful stories about.

Jennifer Lopez has officially quit ‘American Idol’

By brendon July 13, 2012 @ 2:31 PM

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Everyone got the gist of this one from the headline, right? Thank God. Now here’s Maggie Q at Comic-Con yesterday. THIS CHICK IS UNDERRATED! She should have been the new Catwoman instead of giant headed Anne Hathaway. Catwoman should be lithe. Anne Hathaway is clunky. I could kick Anne Hathaways ass, and that’s not just empty bragging, I mean it. In fact I’ll fight almost any girl or child you can think of.

(image source = bauer griffin)

Mariah Carey “in serious talks” to judge American idol

By brendon July 13, 2012 @ 1:05 PM

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Unfettered by their experience with demanding pain in the ass Jennifer Lopez, Us.com says ‘American Idol’ producers want demanding pain in the ass Mariah Carey to replace her as a judge next season.

If anyone could handle her it should be Randy Jackson (he’s her manager) but this supports previous reports that the plan is to clean house and get 3 all new judges, so he’ll be gone too.

“They are in serious talks with Mariah and it’s very close to being a done deal,” the source says. “And they will move Randy into a more mentoring role.”
The insider added that show producers are scrambling to fill the other two slots alongside Carey; other celebs who have been considered to sit at the judges’ table include Fergie and Adam Lambert.

If nothing else Mariah would be on time more than Lopez. All they’d have to do is send someone to stand outside her house dressed up as a chocolate chip cookie and she’d chase him to the studio.

(image source of mariah in london on june 25 = wenn)