By brendon October 03, 2008 @ 6:50 AM

Keep in mind that black is slimming as you look at Jennifer Love Hewitts giant ass (bigger pic here).  This is her in a flattering color, yesterday on the set of her dumb TV show.  This poor costume designer must be about to kill herself.  All she can do is black capes.  There’s only so many variations on that before you accidentally put her in a Batman costume.  She looks normal from the shoulders up, but everything just goes out in every direction from there, like an upside down ice cream cone.  What is she supposed to wear?  Put her in white and she looks like a wedding cake.  Brown with a red hat?  Volcano.  Red and green?  Christmas tree.  And her feet are tiny, so when she wears black heels, she's like a little piglet, teetering on its hoof.

So yeah, keep it up.  Keep insisting you’re a size 4 Jenn.  Keep saying it.  Keep making every 15-year-old who is a size 6 think she’s a fat ass, and while you're doing that, I’ll put a turkey on a string on your front porch, then lure you out of your house as you chase the turkey, waddling across the yard and saying “come back Turkey, come back!” as I take a thousand pictures.


By brendon August 20, 2008 @ 9:19 AM

This weeks Us magazine says Jenifer Love Hewitt isn’t fat anymore, even though she’s clearly still fat.  They have two new pictures, and both are from some weird angle.  They must have gotten every fat girl from myspace to take the picture.  Us says she lost 18 pounds, but that would be like 20 percent of her body weight, so unless they amputated her legs and we just haven’t seen it yet, that shit didn’t happen.  It’s sort of insulting when fat people tell you they’re not fat.  Bitch I’m looking right at you, don’t tell me you’re not fat.  I can't remember where I was going with this but the point is Jennifer told Health magazine she wishes she walked around naked when she was 12.  

I wish I had been nude from the time I was 12 until I was 28. I looked great! I want to tell all young girls to walk around in bikinis all summer—and enjoy it. I want to tell them to never, ever feel bad about anything, because there will be that one day in your 20s when you’ll eat a hamburger and actually see the hamburger on the side of your leg. Initially it’s shocking, and you think, Whoa, I have to actually think about what I eat and work out double the amount I did before. Then you go, Well, now my body gets to make children, which is so cool. And I suddenly don’t look like a little girl anymore. I look like a woman. How exciting is that? You start to find value in other things.

Oh, so when Jennifer Love Hewitt tells 12-year-olds to prance around in a bikini, she’s a hero, but when I do it, I’m a “sexual predator”.  Whatever.  This country is bullshit man.


By brendon August 14, 2008 @ 10:57 AM

In November, Jennifer Love Hewitt took some famous pictures in Hawaii (these pictures) showing that she had gained like 1800 pounds.  It was amazing.  And in her defense, she said she was a size 2 and there’s nothing wrong with her body.  And to prove she meant what she said, she then immediately went on an insane diet.  Wait, what?  Us magazines cover story says…

Now, the Ghost Whisperer star has the last laugh.
In the new issue of Us Weekly, on newsstands now, the 32-year-old shows off the new body she got after just 10 weeks and her trainer reveals to Us exclusively how she lost 18 pounds.
"I am in a pretty good workout regimen that I like, so it inspired me to keep it up," Hewitt tells Us. "The energy level and the way I feel now is great."

Whatever.  You’re not fooling me big ass.  The picture they have of her on the cover proves nothing.  I want her to recreate her Hawaii trip shot for shot, and I want her to put things next to her ass so I have a sense of perspective, like a Coke can and a football.  I know this sounds extreme, but don't you kid yourself, Jennifer Love Hewitt would eat you and everyone you care about if given the chance.  The only language they understand is aggression.

UPDATE – these pictures, Splash exclusives by the way, were taken July 30th, and she looks just as fat as ever.  So she and her MySpace angle magazine cover need to try again.


By brendon May 28, 2008 @ 9:07 AM

Jennifer Love Hewitt wore a big giant t-shirt and some baggy sweatpants to walk her dog yesterday, but you’re not foolin me Big Ass.  She still has a little tiny head, and a big fat ass.  And she’s all lumpy.  She's built like a wedding cake.   I'm only mildly joking when I say I’d rather make out with the dog.


By brendon April 01, 2008 @ 7:07 AM

It's probably not the most flattering thing in the world to have people thinking you're pregnant when you're not.  Oh hey look there's Jennifer Love Hewitt.  People magazine says…

Jennifer Love Hewitt can't stop the whisperers. When she wore a bikini, she heard about her figure. And when she covered up – wearing flowing, baby doll styles while recently running errands and at last weekend's Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards – she faced baby rumors. But the engaged Ghost Whisperer star isn't keeping quiet. She fought back after the bikini pictures hit the Internet. And now her rep has issued a flat-out denial: "She is not pregnant."

Here's the Kids Choice dress they mention, but be warned, only look at it if you’re not afraid of getting super turned on.


By brendon March 07, 2008 @ 11:42 AM

Us magazine and the Sun among others seem to think that a blog entry by John Mayer is about Jessica Simpson.  In it, he posts a letter which asks an ex girlfriend to leave him alone, but he never comes out and gives a name.  He's run through some pretty famous ass, including Jessica, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Minka Kelly.  Really it could be about anyone, but it's probably about your mom (zing!).  He explains:

"I was sitting in the airport lounge this morning when I started scribbling out lyrics and such … Don't read too far into this on a personal level (there are no hidden messages) … I just thought it sums up how crazy love can be."

And the letter says:

“Dear Ex Lover,
“Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore.
“I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying.
“I hope this is enough closure for you.
“P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me."

Oh, I know where to find you all right.  And you know where to find me … AND OUR BABY!  *DUN-DUN-DUN*

Wait, I’m a dude.  Okay never mind.