There are chilling reports from Hollywood today after Jennifer Love Hewitt was photographed going to lunch on Monday. Witnesses inside the restaurant say they saw her leave, but paparazzi outside say that’s impossible. They say they were there the whole time and never saw her. It’s like she just vanished into thin air, like a chubby ghost!
(image source = fame)
Jennifer Love Hewitt was at the KIIS FM Jingle Ball in L.A. on Saturday night, and she tried to look sexy by wearing this dress that showed off her breasts. It didn’t work mind you, I’m just letting you know what the plan was.
(image source = splash, wenn, and getty)
Because homeless people only need to eat once a year (they’re powered by the sun), Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Love Hewitt went down to the Los Angeles Mission to help serve Thanksgiving meals to the needy. And by sheer coincidence, there were some paparazzi there too wouldn’t you know, blocking the food and volunteers while Kim and Jennifer modeled spoons. Those bums have had scurvy for a month, 5 more minutes isn’t gonna hurt.
Oh and if you’re wondering why Kim and Jennifer look so happy in the picture above, it’s because they just learned they make spoons that hold like 400 percent more food than normal spoons.
(image source = inf)
As you read this keep in mind that Jennifer Love Hewitt wrote a book filled with dating advice despite the fact that she’s 32, has never been married and in fact can’t even keep a boyfriend for more than a few months.
Jennifer Love Hewitt might just be the most unlucky-in-love Hollywood starlet! Her latest boyfriend, 27-year-old actor Jarod Einsohn, has broken up with her — via text message, a source tells InTouch.
“She cannot keep a boyfriend. She is very overbearing, and if things don’t go her way, she becomes a diva and flips out.”
And so it seems this tale of romantic woe has come to it’s predictable end, all wrapped up in a neat little bow.
Jennifer Love Hewitt, dumped. Thrown away like yesterdays garbage.
Feels like I’ve heard this song before.
A diversion?
Maybe. I had to be certain. It wouldn’t be easy.
In this town Truth and Danger walk hand in hand but the clock was ticking so I donned a disguise and drove to Jennifer’s house.
As I stepped out of the car I straightened my red windbreaker and pulled my mesh ball cap low to cast a shadow over my fake mustache.
I knocked on the door.
A voice. Female. Tubby.
“Who is it,” Jennifer fatly asked.
Showtime.
“Eye-a gotta da peetza for you,” I said. “You-a order da peetza?”
The door flung open.
“Well, no,” she said, disappointed but with a glean in her eye that told me she was hatching a plan.
She bit the head off a peeps marshmallow bunny and continued.
“What kind of pizza is it?”
Time to bait the hook.
“Oh-a you-a know, juss-a da regular…”
I opened the lid, showed her the prize inside. Her face lit up like it was Christmas morning.
“Eetz-a da pepporni peetza, topped witha da fried chicken anna da hot fudge. You-a know-a what, you sucha da pretty lady, why-a you no take-a da slice…”
In a flash I pulled off my mustache.
“…Jennifer Love Hewitt!”
She knew she’d been played.
“You son of a bitch!”
Her beefy hand snapped up to slap me, I caught her wrist, stopped it just short.
“Careful now Love. Be a shame if I dropped this hot delicious pizza.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” she said, choking on her words, desperate to be right.
“Well all I need is to ask a few questions, and then after that what happens to this pizza is entirely up to you,” I replied.
So, anyway, long story short, yeah that dude dumped her in a text because she’s a pain in the ass.
I don’t know how this works because women’s bodies are a baffling mystery, but Jennifer Love Hewitts tits are half the size they used to be while her ass has at least doubled. And instead of working out and getting implants before going to last nights Hollywood premiere of ‘Twilight: Mummies Kiss’ or whatever this one is called, she just pushed her big square body into a dress that was supposed to show off her cleavage. But it didn’t really work. It’s not magic for fucks sake. Mostly her tits were just all lopsided and smooshed. It was very distracting. If would be like it if I taped my dick between two rulers, then put on some baggy pants and walked around in front of her. You wouldn’t like that very much, would you Jennifer?
(source = wenn and getty)
Jennifer Love Hewitt went shopping yesterday on Melrose, and I guess her see through skirt was supposed to give a tantalizing glimpse of her legs and be sexy, but her hips and thighs are enormous while her head and face are normal sized, so all this really does is make her look like a centaur when she’s coming toward you, which is maybe not the most flattering thing in the world. But that’s not our fault. She might as well be playing a lyre.
(image source = flynet and wenn)
