Jennifer Love Chewitt got dumped in a text

By brendon November 21, 2011 @ 12:10 AM

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As you read this keep in mind that Jennifer Love Hewitt wrote a book filled with dating advice despite the fact that she’s 32, has never been married and in fact can’t even keep a boyfriend for more than a few months.

Jennifer Love Hewitt might just be the most unlucky-in-love Hollywood starlet! Her latest boyfriend, 27-year-old actor Jarod Einsohn, has broken up with her — via text message, a source tells InTouch.
“She cannot keep a boyfriend. She is very overbearing, and if things don’t go her way, she becomes a diva and flips out.”

And so it seems this tale of romantic woe has come to it’s predictable end, all wrapped up in a neat little bow.
Jennifer Love Hewitt, dumped. Thrown away like yesterdays garbage.
Feels like I’ve heard this song before.
A diversion?
Maybe. I had to be certain. It wouldn’t be easy.
In this town Truth and Danger walk hand in hand but the clock was ticking so I donned a disguise and drove to Jennifer’s house.
As I stepped out of the car I straightened my red windbreaker and pulled my mesh ball cap low to cast a shadow over my fake mustache.
I knocked on the door.
A voice. Female. Tubby.
“Who is it,” Jennifer fatly asked.
Showtime.
“Eye-a gotta da peetza for you,” I said. “You-a order da peetza?”
The door flung open.
“Well, no,” she said, disappointed but with a glean in her eye that told me she was hatching a plan.
She bit the head off a peeps marshmallow bunny and continued.
“What kind of pizza is it?”
Time to bait the hook.
“Oh-a you-a know, juss-a da regular…”
I opened the lid, showed her the prize inside. Her face lit up like it was Christmas morning.
“Eetz-a da pepporni peetza, topped witha da fried chicken anna da hot fudge. You-a know-a what, you sucha da pretty lady, why-a you no take-a da slice…”
In a flash I pulled off my mustache.
“…Jennifer Love Hewitt!”
She knew she’d been played.
“You son of a bitch!”
Her beefy hand snapped up to slap me, I caught her wrist, stopped it just short.
“Careful now Love. Be a shame if I dropped this hot delicious pizza.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” she said, choking on her words, desperate to be right.
“Well all I need is to ask a few questions, and then after that what happens to this pizza is entirely up to you,” I replied.

So, anyway, long story short, yeah that dude dumped her in a text because she’s a pain in the ass.

Jennifer Love Hewitt isnt fooling anyone

By brendon November 15, 2011 @ 12:50 PM

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I don’t know how this works because women’s bodies are a baffling mystery, but Jennifer Love Hewitts tits are half the size they used to be while her ass has at least doubled. And instead of working out and getting implants before going to last nights Hollywood premiere of ‘Twilight: Mummies Kiss’ or whatever this one is called, she just pushed her big square body into a dress that was supposed to show off her cleavage. But it didn’t really work. It’s not magic for fucks sake. Mostly her tits were just all lopsided and smooshed. It was very distracting. If would be like it if I taped my dick between two rulers, then put on some baggy pants and walked around in front of her. You wouldn’t like that very much, would you Jennifer?

(source = wenn and getty)

what in the hell

By brendon August 16, 2011 @ 1:29 PM

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Jennifer Love Hewitt went shopping yesterday on Melrose, and I guess her see through skirt was supposed to give a tantalizing glimpse of her legs and be sexy, but her hips and thighs are enormous while her head and face are normal sized, so all this really does is make her look like a centaur when she’s coming toward you, which is maybe not the most flattering thing in the world. But that’s not our fault. She might as well be playing a lyre.

(image source = flynet and wenn)

guess whose sexy legs these are!

By brendon July 28, 2011 @ 4:25 PM

jennifer_love_hewitt_sexy_legs

So who strutted their sexy body around Beverly Hills yesterday for a little retail therapy! Here’s a hint: she’s in “Love” with getting attention for herself by telling girls to embrace their natural body type, while at the very same time she makes them feel bad about themselves by denying her body type and lying about her weight and dress size and going on crash diets or doing a People magazine cover to say how great it is to be “thin” or saying she idolizes girls like Giselle Bundchen and Halle Berry because of their perfect bodies.

Here’s another hint: she’s insane.

Lenny Kravitz is cool

By brendon June 28, 2011 @ 12:07 PM

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Lenny Kravitz looked pretty cool yesterday when he was walking around Soho and talking on a super retro corded handset. Jennifer Love Hewitt has a handset like this too. Except she only uses her at places like Starbucks when it’s real crowded, and she just goes “ring, ring” out of the corner of her mouth and then pulls the handset out of her purse. Then she says, “What? You think I’m the most beautiful girl ever and you wan’t me to model bikinis because I’m so skinny? Well, okay, ha-ha!”

(image source = bauer griffin)

statistically speaking, Jennifer Love Hewitt sucks

By brendon June 08, 2011 @ 3:48 PM

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The good news for Jennifer Love Hewitt is that she isn’t the worst, most unpopular actress to ever live. The bad news is she’s the worst, most unpopular actress since 1985.

According to Slate.com, who used their access to movie review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes, Love Hewitt is the worst-reviewed actress since 1985, the cutoff date they established as a modern era for reviews unaffected by nostalgia and the easier critics of the past.
Hewitt has the rare distinction of never having made a single “fresh” (above 60 percent on Rotten Tomatoes) film. Her average score of 18.9 owes to such duds as “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit” (7 percent), “I Know What You Did Last Summer” (35 percent), “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” (7 percent), and both “Garfield” movies (15 percent and 11 percent, respectively).

It’s too bad they don’t factor in and compare actresses as competitive eaters, like in those hot dog eating contests they have on the 4th of July. If they had a chart like that, Jennifer would be all set.

(image source of Hewitt yesterday in West Hollywood = pcn)