Jennifer Love Hewitt has spent the past few years explaining to anyone who can’t get away fast enough how desperate she is to get married. Just last month she told Ellen DeGeneres that she already has three engagement rings for her phantom fiance to choose from.

Well she’s 31 now, and it hasn’t happened yet, so to really turn things around she consulted a renowned relationship expert. Herself.

(She) admitted that she browsed her own relationship book when looking for romance tips.
“Honestly, I know it’s cheesy, but it really helped me.”
Hewitt, who celebrated Valentine’s Day with her man of eight months, recently told Us that he gifts her with flowers “every single day. He’ll either give me a bouquet, or handpick one.”

Wait, every single day? 240 times now? Oh my god, what a weirdo. They don’t even do that shit in commercials about flowers. There’s a line where “romantic” turns into “open your eyes this guy is crazy”, and he sprinted past it at least 6 months ago.

(image source = getty)

Jennifer Love Hewitt has said before that she’s been going to the same jewelry store once a month for 19 years and wasting the employees time by trying on her “dream” engagement ring that no one wants to buy her, but if that wasn’t sad and clingy enough, now she’s expanded on that fantasy and actually picked out 3 rings that no one wants to buy her. People says…

The pressure is off Jennifer Love Hewitt’s future husband. She has already picked out her wedding ring – actually, three.
“I feel like I’m doing the guy a favor,” the actress, 31, tells Ellen DeGeneres in an interview airing Tuesday on her talk show. “I don’t want to be upset if he picks a bad ring, so I feel like having three picked out and saying, ‘Look! Look at this plethora of things you can choose from!’ ”
The Ghost Whisperer star, who found the rings at Tiffany’s, plans to explain to her beau: “If you chose one of these three, I’m going to be really excited. And if you go off on your own, we can have an awful, awkward moment. So, why would you want to do that?”

Does she not understand that, the very thing perhaps keeping her from getting engaged is her terrifying desperation to get engaged? It would be like if a guy who was trying to get laid got on his knees, did that praying thing with his hands and whimpered.

Jennifer Love Hewitt paused form doing interviews about how she’s not fat and actually really beautiful to go to lunch with her mom in Beverly Hills. Which was apparently not a special enough occasion for her to not dress like a runaway. I bet if you took a box of Entenmann chocolate chip cookies, and then dumped them at her feet, I bet she would crawl around on her hands and knees and pick up at least half of them before realizing this was a test. That she failed.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was on the cover of People this summer for their issue about the best bodies in Hollywood. She went from fat to fabulous and now her body is amazing (their words, not mine).

And yet every picture had her hiding behind something. Whenever she’s in a magazine, it’s like she was on a walk in the woods and a stranger started chasing her. She’s always peering out from behind something.

Well this is why. In reality she’s a complete mess, as you can see in these pictures taken today in Toluca Lake. Which would be fine except she wants credit for telling women to love their body while constantly lying about her own. Her ass is so big you could hit it with a paddle and it would take over a minute before her brain got the message and she said, “Ow.”

Two more pictures from Jennifer Love Hewitts photo shoot for People, part of their ’50 Most Amazing Bodies’ cover story, are online (see them here), and of course she talks about how much she loves her body now. And yet by shocking coincidence there’s something in front of her hips in every single picture. Just like there was in her Maxim photo shoot. There was nothing to stand behind in 2008 on the cover of Us, so to prove that she didn’t have a big ass anymore she stood sideways. Ta-da.

She wants to be in the spotlight for loving her “curves” and encouraging others to do the same, while at the same time she wants credit for losing weight, and as proof of neither one she takes a bunch of pictures where she stands behind stuff.

This chick can’t tell the truth about anything. She hasn’t lost weight and she hates it, but she thinks we’re too dumb to notice. Hey guess what? That shit didn’t work. I’m looking right at you. Look if you need more time to lose weight before taking bikini pictures, I don’t mind waiting. By all means go for it.