monday afternoon headlines

By brendon March 22, 2010 @ 6:29 PM

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JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT - got dumped last week, and now she’s chopped off her long hair. Wooaah, fat AND short hair? Is it Christmas? Be still my heart. (huffington post)

CHRIS EVANS - has been offered the lead in the Captain America movie. Evans was really good in ‘Sunshine’ and ‘Push’, and he’s right physically, so this works all the way around. I probably care more than most because I have a Capt. America tat on my arm and didn’t want to see this ruined. What? Nu-uh. No you’re a nerd. No you are. No you are. (hollywood reporter)

MILEY CYRUS - is a sweet little angel who didn’t deserve to be the subject of my juvenile shenanigans earlier today. In other news, Miley dyed her hair red, and girls with red hair are awesome. So hey Miley, whats goin on? Do you like Selena Gomez, I sure don’t. She’s so fake but you seem really cool, we should hang out sometime. (fame and splash)

kate winslet is single

By brendon March 15, 2010 @ 3:31 PM

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Over the weekend it was reported that Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy broke up after dating for just about a year, which wasn’t really a surprise because Jennifer Love Hewitt is an insufferable pain in the ass.

But Kate Winslet has been married to Sam Mendes for 7 years, and everyone loves her, so news of their divorce kind of comes out of nowhere. People says…

“Kate and Sam are saddened to announce that they separated earlier this year,” their lawyers say in a statement. “The split is entirely amicable and is by mutual agreement.” 

Looking at Kate Winslet and looking at Sam Mendes, it seems hard to believe they both agreed on this. I get the feeling Kates idea was to get a divorce, and Sams idea was to stand outside the house and whimper while watching her silhouette bounce up and down in the bedroom window.

tuesday morning headlines

By brendon March 02, 2010 @ 12:54 PM

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LINDSAY LOHAN - is 23, and Roberto Cavalli is 69. Good luck trying to figure out which one to feel sorry for. (wenn)

JAY LENO - is planning a week of shows in New York City, to beat Letterman “on his home turf”. Leno will be great there. I bet he’ll have some real zingers about how the Knicks aren’t very good at basketball. This guy doesn’t care whose toes he steps on. (pop eater)

DARYL HANNAH - is naked in her new movie, and the Sun has a few pictures. She might have the best naked body of any 50 year old I’ve ever seen, and I base that on comparisons to absolutely nothing. Or did you think this was some kind of geriatric lust website. (the sun)

SIMON MONJACK - is SOL because Brittany Murphy left him out of her will. I went one year into the future to question him about this, but he was too busy asking a cat if it was gonna finish that Meow Mix. (us.com)

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT - somehow pulled a super tight dress over her fat hips last night. If you don’t feel like clicking the link, just imagine what it looks like right after a python swallows a pig. (daily mail)

god i hate you so f**king much

By brendon February 22, 2010 @ 8:38 AM

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On her birthday last year, Jennifer Love Bacon dressed up like whatever that bitches name was in that movie and stood outside Tiffanys. This year, she peered out from behind her gate then walked into the street because someone was banging on her food dish. No not really. It was because she had dressed up like a fuckin idiot again and called the paparazzi again so they would take pictures of her again.

Reportedly this was a Lady Gaga-type outfit, meaning that one of us has no idea who Lady Gaga is. The one I’m familiar with wears goofy shit that cost $10,000, not a tutu that looks like frosting she found during the Wal-Mart Halloween Spooktacular. Unfortunately it looked a little too much like frosting, and early this morning they found it in her stool.

(source = pacific coast news)

jennifer love hewitt decorates her kitty with crystals

By brendon January 13, 2010 @ 8:34 PM




Jennifer Love Hewitt has a new dating book out, and if you think she wouldn’t have any good tips for how to spice up your love life, you would be 100 percent correct.

One of her tips: glue shiny things on your vadge.
“After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady,” she said. “It shined like a disco ball so I have a whole chapter in there on how women should vagazzle their vajayjays.”

The promise of slamming your penis into a dozen rocks might be effective if you’re trying to seduce Ben Grimm, but believe it or not I’d rather not pound my dick into fragile cut glass with sharp edges. Seeing a girl with crystals glued to her vagina sounds horrifying. At best it would look like armor, at worst scales, and either way my dick isn’t getting anywhere near it. Because it’s either defending itself or it might spit poison at me.

morning headlines

By brendon January 13, 2010 @ 12:09 PM

JIMMY KIMMEL - came out last night dressed as Jay Leno. Everyone could tell it wasn’t Leno though because the jokes were funny. (abc)

JENNIFER LOVE CHEWITT - almost dumped Jamie Kennedy because he called her “pear-ass” after seeing her in a bikini. Then she realized that’s the nicest thing anyone has said about her ass in 3 years. (us.com)

MINKA KELLY - is not engaged to Derek Jeter, contrary to reports last week saying she was. They’re very much together but any plans for the future have been exaggerated. Also exaggerated is the report that I have to take “a half-dozen” viagra to get an erection. Whatever. I would hardly call 5, “a half-dozen”? (ny daily news)

JAMES BOND 23 - doesn’t have a name yet, but the movie will star Daniel Craig, will be directed by Sam Mendes, and will be shot in 3D according to new reports. All the Bond girls in 3D take us one step closer to porn in 3D, which takes us one step closer to the fall of man and the end of civilization. (the sun)