LINDSAY LOHAN - is 23, and Roberto Cavalli is 69. Good luck trying to figure out which one to feel sorry for. (wenn)
JAY LENO - is planning a week of shows in New York City, to beat Letterman “on his home turf”. Leno will be great there. I bet he’ll have some real zingers about how the Knicks aren’t very good at basketball. This guy doesn’t care whose toes he steps on. (pop eater)
DARYL HANNAH - is naked in her new movie, and the Sun has a few pictures. She might have the best naked body of any 50 year old I’ve ever seen, and I base that on comparisons to absolutely nothing. Or did you think this was some kind of geriatric lust website. (the sun)
SIMON MONJACK - is SOL because Brittany Murphy left him out of her will. I went one year into the future to question him about this, but he was too busy asking a cat if it was gonna finish that Meow Mix. (us.com)
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT - somehow pulled a super tight dress over her fat hips last night. If you don’t feel like clicking the link, just imagine what it looks like right after a python swallows a pig. (daily mail)
On her birthday last year, Jennifer Love Bacon dressed up like whatever that bitches name was in that movie and stood outside Tiffanys. This year, she peered out from behind her gate then walked into the street because someone was banging on her food dish. No not really. It was because she had dressed up like a fuckin idiot again and called the paparazzi again so they would take pictures of her again.
Reportedly this was a Lady Gaga-type outfit, meaning that one of us has no idea who Lady Gaga is. The one I’m familiar with wears goofy shit that cost $10,000, not a tutu that looks like frosting she found during the Wal-Mart Halloween Spooktacular. Unfortunately it looked a little too much like frosting, and early this morning they found it in her stool.
Jennifer Love Hewitt has a new dating book out, and if you think she wouldn’t have any good tips for how to spice up your love life, you would be 100 percent correct.
One of her tips: glue shiny things on your vadge.
“After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady,” she said. “It shined like a disco ball so I have a whole chapter in there on how women should vagazzle their vajayjays.”
The promise of slamming your penis into a dozen rocks might be effective if you’re trying to seduce Ben Grimm, but believe it or not I’d rather not pound my dick into fragile cut glass with sharp edges. Seeing a girl with crystals glued to her vagina sounds horrifying. At best it would look like armor, at worst scales, and either way my dick isn’t getting anywhere near it. Because it’s either defending itself or it might spit poison at me.
JIMMY KIMMEL - came out last night dressed as Jay Leno. Everyone could tell it wasn’t Leno though because the jokes were funny. (abc)
JENNIFER LOVE CHEWITT - almost dumped Jamie Kennedy because he called her “pear-ass” after seeing her in a bikini. Then she realized that’s the nicest thing anyone has said about her ass in 3 years. (us.com)
MINKA KELLY - is not engaged to Derek Jeter, contrary to reports last week saying she was. They’re very much together but any plans for the future have been exaggerated. Also exaggerated is the report that I have to take “a half-dozen” viagra to get an erection. Whatever. I would hardly call 5, “a half-dozen”? (ny daily news)
JAMES BOND 23 - doesn’t have a name yet, but the movie will star Daniel Craig, will be directed by Sam Mendes, and will be shot in 3D according to new reports. All the Bond girls in 3D take us one step closer to porn in 3D, which takes us one step closer to the fall of man and the end of civilization. (the sun)
50. MADONNAS ARMS - As she approaches the end of her life, it’s good to know she’ll die as she lived; by creeping me the fuck out. (July 27th)
49. CALL OF DUTY 2 – made 310 million dollars in it’s first 24 hours. “The Dark Knight holds every Hollywood speed record, and it took them 10 days to reach 300. So I guess in hindsight that movie was a real piece of shit.” (November 12)
48. MEGAN FOX IS BISEXUAL - If Megan Fox is getting more/better pussy than me I’m gonna kill myself. (May 13th)
47 and 46. CINDY CRAWFORD AND NICOLETTE SHERIDAN - Although a combined 99 years old, these two took some of the hottest bikini pictures all year. But just so you know, the topless Crawford pictures here are from 2008, because I can’t find the ones from 2009, and I don’t have time to download new copies. This god damn list is taking forever. What a terrible idea this was. (August 6th and August 3rd)
JENNIFER LOVE CHEWIT – tortured boys everywhere by twittering just this one picture of her as a Playboy bunny for Halloween (full size UHQ here). Aren’t you surprised she didn’t post more? I know I was surprised. According to sources that are Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Love Hewitt has lost a ton of weight and now looks amazing, but here all we have is this one picture, a picture reminiscent of when fat girls on myspace try to pull the ol’ fat girl “switch-a-roo”. Why would she do that? It’s quite a mystery. Someone should call the cops. (twitter)
JOSS WHEDON – borrowed an old SNL joke (*) to announce his bid to buy the Terminator franchise, the rights to which will be auctioned off later this month. The company that currently holds the rights to all future Terminator projects – including movies, TV and games – has to sell them because they’re so in debt. You can still make real Terminators though and extract your revenge on girls who laughed at you in high school. (NOTE – “Don’t I know it, heh-heh-heh!”) (deadline hollywood)
KIEFER SUTHERLAND – ran up a $500 bar tab with the cast and crew of ’24’ during a break in shooting last week in San Pedro. Awesome now gets awesomer because they were there between 7am and 1pm. That’s right. They STARTED drinking at 7 in the morning. Kiefer paid for everyone, then left a $200 tip. After that they left so Kiefer could win every single category at the Coolest Guy Ever Awards. (tmz)
CHRISTINA RICCI – was in Miami over the weekend, and I forgot to post these yesterday when they were topical, but I already bought them so, hey look, it’s Christina Ricci in Miami! “She’s no Kimberly Phillips”, as the popular saying goes, but some of these are pretty hot. Her piercing blue eyes are an intoxicating ocean of intrigue, her rippling muscles glisten in the sun and her super short shorts reveal just a hint of her tight little sexy ass. Wait. Wait no sorry. I was seeing my reflection in the monitor. False alarm, everyone. (mavrix and splash and inf)