JIMMY KIMMEL - came out last night dressed as Jay Leno. Everyone could tell it wasn’t Leno though because the jokes were funny. (abc)
JENNIFER LOVE CHEWITT - almost dumped Jamie Kennedy because he called her “pear-ass” after seeing her in a bikini. Then she realized that’s the nicest thing anyone has said about her ass in 3 years. (us.com)
MINKA KELLY - is not engaged to Derek Jeter, contrary to reports last week saying she was. They’re very much together but any plans for the future have been exaggerated. Also exaggerated is the report that I have to take “a half-dozen” viagra to get an erection. Whatever. I would hardly call 5, “a half-dozen”? (ny daily news)
JAMES BOND 23 - doesn’t have a name yet, but the movie will star Daniel Craig, will be directed by Sam Mendes, and will be shot in 3D according to new reports. All the Bond girls in 3D take us one step closer to porn in 3D, which takes us one step closer to the fall of man and the end of civilization. (the sun)
50. MADONNAS ARMS - As she approaches the end of her life, it’s good to know she’ll die as she lived; by creeping me the fuck out. (July 27th)
49. CALL OF DUTY 2 – made 310 million dollars in it’s first 24 hours. “The Dark Knight holds every Hollywood speed record, and it took them 10 days to reach 300. So I guess in hindsight that movie was a real piece of shit.” (November 12)
48. MEGAN FOX IS BISEXUAL - If Megan Fox is getting more/better pussy than me I’m gonna kill myself. (May 13th)
47 and 46. CINDY CRAWFORD AND NICOLETTE SHERIDAN - Although a combined 99 years old, these two took some of the hottest bikini pictures all year. But just so you know, the topless Crawford pictures here are from 2008, because I can’t find the ones from 2009, and I don’t have time to download new copies. This god damn list is taking forever. What a terrible idea this was. (August 6th and August 3rd)
JENNIFER LOVE CHEWIT – tortured boys everywhere by twittering just this one picture of her as a Playboy bunny for Halloween (full size UHQ here). Aren’t you surprised she didn’t post more? I know I was surprised. According to sources that are Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Love Hewitt has lost a ton of weight and now looks amazing, but here all we have is this one picture, a picture reminiscent of when fat girls on myspace try to pull the ol’ fat girl “switch-a-roo”. Why would she do that? It’s quite a mystery. Someone should call the cops. (twitter)
JOSS WHEDON – borrowed an old SNL joke (*) to announce his bid to buy the Terminator franchise, the rights to which will be auctioned off later this month. The company that currently holds the rights to all future Terminator projects – including movies, TV and games – has to sell them because they’re so in debt. You can still make real Terminators though and extract your revenge on girls who laughed at you in high school. (NOTE – “Don’t I know it, heh-heh-heh!”) (deadline hollywood)
KIEFER SUTHERLAND – ran up a $500 bar tab with the cast and crew of ’24’ during a break in shooting last week in San Pedro. Awesome now gets awesomer because they were there between 7am and 1pm. That’s right. They STARTED drinking at 7 in the morning. Kiefer paid for everyone, then left a $200 tip. After that they left so Kiefer could win every single category at the Coolest Guy Ever Awards. (tmz)
CHRISTINA RICCI – was in Miami over the weekend, and I forgot to post these yesterday when they were topical, but I already bought them so, hey look, it’s Christina Ricci in Miami! “She’s no Kimberly Phillips”, as the popular saying goes, but some of these are pretty hot. Her piercing blue eyes are an intoxicating ocean of intrigue, her rippling muscles glisten in the sun and her super short shorts reveal just a hint of her tight little sexy ass. Wait. Wait no sorry. I was seeing my reflection in the monitor. False alarm, everyone. (mavrix and splash and inf)
Well not really dumped. Not yet. But it sounds like she will be, because Jamie Kennedy is apparently nailing his ex girlfriend on the side. Fox News says…
“Jamie is still hung up on Shannon and has been telling her that,” says the source. “He also told her he had zero desire to go to the Tao event with [Love Hewiit], but Jen insisted they go together to put rumors to rest. Jamie decided he at least owed her that, so he appeased her and accompanied her to the event even though he’s pretty much checked out of the relationship.”
It sounds like Love Hewitt is not totally in the dark, however, according to Jamie’s pal.
“Jen knows things have really changed with them, but the public appearance is all part of her damage control plan. Unfortunately for her, it doesn’t seem Jamie is going to stay with Jen ultimately.”
This is a big story so I tracked Jennifer to a hotel in New York. I was tired of the lies. I wanted the truth. She said it was none of my business, and I said, “well okay then. I’ll just sit here and eat these donuts then.”
And then I took out a box of donuts. We both knew the stakes had been raised.
“What are you playing at,” she asked with a rage in her eyes.
I said, “Ooh nothin. Just having some … oops!”
And then I dropped the donut over the railing and down to the street below. It landed in an alley with a sickening thud.
She flinched a little and reached out to save the donut, but it was too late. The donut was gone. Then I took out another donut, a jelly with sprinkles, and threw that over the railing too.
“I’m a real butterfingers huh”, I said.
I put the box on the table between us. Two of the donuts were gone, it was too late for them. But ten more had yet to have their fate decided. I took another donut, a cinnamon dandy this time. I held it over the railing, then sent it back to hell.
“Why are you doing this?” she pleaded.
“Tell me what I want to know Jennifer”, I said as my hand went back to the box and hung over a chocolate bowtie.
I picked it up.
“Damn your black heart,” she said, then turned away and buried her face in her hands.
“What happens to this chocolate bowtie is up to you Jennifer. It can join the others in the trash, or…”
“No,” she interrupted. “Stop. I want to eat the donuts. I’ll tell you what you want to know.”
Hewitt! The answer is Jennifer Love Hewitt. An ass this big in Hollywood can only belong to one of two people and in this case it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt. There are other asses this big but technically those are on animals considered “livestock”. Other pictures that claimed to show an ass this size turned out to be drawings of a centaur.
Jennifer Love Hewitts head is on the cover of this months Shape magazine and let’s get one thing clear: I only care about me, and I’m very handsome so this doesn’t matter to me one way or the other, but if I were capable of human feelings such as compassion for others I would be outraged.
This bitch carries on all the time about “loving who you are” and “I look great I’m not fat”, then she blatantly lies about what she is and how she looks. If she’s telling people she’s a size 2, even as she clearly looks like hell, girls who are a size 6 must be ready to kill themselves. They must think they’re a monster.
Those bikini pictures in Hawaii were taken 6 weeks ago. Amputees don’t lose as many inches as she somehow did overnight for the cover of Shape. And the sidewalk candid’s are from 3 days ago. You’re not foolin me, big ass.