I used to be skeptical that Jennifer Love Hewitt really lost 18 pounds like she claimed on the cover of Us magazine, but then they compared two older candid pictures taken from the front to one professional picture from the side.  That shut me up good.  I thought she had a big ass but clearly I was mistaken.  I also thought she was getting shorter, but they compared a picture of her on the red carpet to a picture taken straight down from on top of a ladder.

And now I’ve been extra shut-up, because she’s in the May Maxim in some sexy new pictures.  By sheer coincidence she hides her hips and ass in every single one, but now I just sound ridiculous.  The witch hunt is over.  Her diet and exercise program have left her thin as a rail, clearly.  Look, when you’re wrong, you’re wrong.  Time for me to look myself in the mirror and face the facts.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was hot for like 15 minutes, 10 years ago, yet she’s still famous.  Her entire career is based on how she looked when she was 16.  WTF?  I know she used to be amazing, but I had an amazing sandwich 10 years ago too.  And if someone said, how would you like the other half of that amazing sandwich?  I would say, the meatball sandwich?  From 2002?  And they said, yes!  I would say, Naw I'm good.  I found a new sandwich.  And it's got 90 percent less fat.

Last week there were some pictures (these) of Jennifer Love Chew-it on the set of her stupid show, and they were completely mystifying because she appeared to be slightly less fat than normal.  Now I’m thinking maybe she was just out of food money, because yesterday she hit up the ATM and she was just as thick as ever.  You’re not foolin me Big Ass!  I'm on to you and your photoshopped treachery!  Those others pictures were staged or just changed, like when you see a panda wearing sunglasses, or me without my giant cock.

Jennifer Love Hewitt broke up with her fiancé Ross McCall last week, and even though she's back at work on her show "Ghost Whisperer", she's finding it hard to mend a broken wait a second when did she get less fat?  Oh I swear if she ruins my Jennifer Love Chew-It nickname I'm gonna kill her.

"She is usually very bubbly, but she is more quiet and seems sad," the source says. "She usually hangs out with the crew between takes, but lately she is only hanging out with her bodyguard."
"They're both really sad about this," another source, who is close to the couple, said at the time. "Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy."
Hewitt, 29, got engaged to the Scottish actor, 32, in November 2007 after dating for two years.

Whatever.  I’m still freaked out about that Carmen Electra thing.  What can she even do with a coat hanger, I'm morbidly curious now.  To hear.  Not to experience. My grandfather used to tell us, “keep pointy things such as metal coat hangers away from your penis at all times”, and it still stands as the best advice I’ve ever gotten.

(picture source = bauer griffin)

Keep in mind that black is slimming as you look at Jennifer Love Hewitts giant ass (bigger pic here).  This is her in a flattering color, yesterday on the set of her dumb TV show.  This poor costume designer must be about to kill herself.  All she can do is black capes.  There’s only so many variations on that before you accidentally put her in a Batman costume.  She looks normal from the shoulders up, but everything just goes out in every direction from there, like an upside down ice cream cone.  What is she supposed to wear?  Put her in white and she looks like a wedding cake.  Brown with a red hat?  Volcano.  Red and green?  Christmas tree.  And her feet are tiny, so when she wears black heels, she's like a little piglet, teetering on its hoof.

So yeah, keep it up.  Keep insisting you’re a size 4 Jenn.  Keep saying it.  Keep making every 15-year-old who is a size 6 think she’s a fat ass, and while you're doing that, I’ll put a turkey on a string on your front porch, then lure you out of your house as you chase the turkey, waddling across the yard and saying “come back Turkey, come back!” as I take a thousand pictures.