Size 2 is in Hawaii

By brendon August 03, 2009 @ 9:05 AM

100jlhhii

Even though Jennifer Love Butter is a size 2, she’s always hiding her ass for some mysterious reason.  Which is why, even though she spent the weekend in Hawaii with boyfriend Jamie Kennedy, these are the only pictures of her in a bikini. Kennedy went swimming, but she was busy “modeling”. Presumably for From The Neck Up Magazine because her other 95 percent is a complete mess.

Didn’t she used to have tits? No one part of her body matches any other. Skinny face, huge ass, thin legs. She’s just a bunch of different parts thrown together, like Frankenstein.

And I have no idea what the hell is going on here, but look at that poor bastards body language. He’s not hanging his head because he dropped something. Hot Sexy Roots just said, “Oh my God, you’re that guy from Scream. No way! Me and my girlfriends love you, you are so funny. What are you doing, are you here with someone?” And now he’s looking for some of that poisonous coral so he can stab himself in the heart with it.

(10 more pics here. hq jump here. source = fame)

jennifer love chewit sure showed me

By brendon April 16, 2009 @ 1:13 PM

I used to be skeptical that Jennifer Love Hewitt really lost 18 pounds like she claimed on the cover of Us magazine, but then they compared two older candid pictures taken from the front to one professional picture from the side.  That shut me up good.  I thought she had a big ass but clearly I was mistaken.  I also thought she was getting shorter, but they compared a picture of her on the red carpet to a picture taken straight down from on top of a ladder.

And now I’ve been extra shut-up, because she’s in the May Maxim in some sexy new pictures.  By sheer coincidence she hides her hips and ass in every single one, but now I just sound ridiculous.  The witch hunt is over.  Her diet and exercise program have left her thin as a rail, clearly.  Look, when you’re wrong, you’re wrong.  Time for me to look myself in the mirror and face the facts.

size 2 is a natural beauty

By brendon April 06, 2009 @ 7:00 AM

Jennifer Love Hewitt was hot for like 15 minutes, 10 years ago, yet she’s still famous.  Her entire career is based on how she looked when she was 16.  WTF?  I know she used to be amazing, but I had an amazing sandwich 10 years ago too.  And if someone said, how would you like the other half of that amazing sandwich?  I would say, the meatball sandwich?  From 2002?  And they said, yes!  I would say, Naw I'm good.  I found a new sandwich.  And it's got 90 percent less fat.

morning headlines

By brendon March 13, 2009 @ 1:44 PM

SCARLETT JOHANSSON – Scar has joined the cast of "Iron Man 2", joining Robert Downy, Don Cheadle and Mickey Rourke.  Scarlett will play Black Widow, a Russian with long red hair, huge breasts and pouty lips.  Iron Man wants to find this woman, as do I.  (source = imdb)

RIHANNA – 200 teenagers in Boston were surveyed about Rihanna and Chris Brown, and 46 percent said Rihanna was responsible for her assault.  More than half said the media was treating Brown unfairly.  The survey was conducted by the New York City Chamber of Commerce. (source = boston.com)

TITTIES – Either today’s Cute College Girl is three feet tall or that’s an usually high doorknob.  The "doorknob" is that shiny metal thing just past her bikini-clad tits.  (source = college humor)

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT – Jamie Kennedy told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show today that’s he’s dating his "Ghost Whisperer" co-star Jennifer Love Chew-It.  I hope this didn't blind you with all its star power.  (source = us.com)

FERGIE – Fergie dyed her hair brown for some inexplicable reason.  Then she went to the March of Dimes ball in NYC.  Then she baked some children in an oven and cackled manically.  (image source = getty)

aha! i knew it!

By brendon January 13, 2009 @ 5:08 AM

Last week there were some pictures (these) of Jennifer Love Chew-it on the set of her stupid show, and they were completely mystifying because she appeared to be slightly less fat than normal.  Now I’m thinking maybe she was just out of food money, because yesterday she hit up the ATM and she was just as thick as ever.  You’re not foolin me Big Ass!  I'm on to you and your photoshopped treachery!  Those others pictures were staged or just changed, like when you see a panda wearing sunglasses, or me without my giant cock.

JENNIFER LOVE CHEW-IT IS SAD

By brendon January 07, 2009 @ 7:32 AM

Jennifer Love Hewitt broke up with her fiancé Ross McCall last week, and even though she's back at work on her show "Ghost Whisperer", she's finding it hard to mend a broken wait a second when did she get less fat?  Oh I swear if she ruins my Jennifer Love Chew-It nickname I'm gonna kill her.

"She is usually very bubbly, but she is more quiet and seems sad," the source says. "She usually hangs out with the crew between takes, but lately she is only hanging out with her bodyguard."
"They're both really sad about this," another source, who is close to the couple, said at the time. "Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy."
Hewitt, 29, got engaged to the Scottish actor, 32, in November 2007 after dating for two years.

Whatever.  I’m still freaked out about that Carmen Electra thing.  What can she even do with a coat hanger, I'm morbidly curious now.  To hear.  Not to experience. My grandfather used to tell us, “keep pointy things such as metal coat hangers away from your penis at all times”, and it still stands as the best advice I’ve ever gotten.

(picture source = bauer griffin)