By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 10:54 AM
Fuck you for telling a lady on her wedding days she can’t feel like a virgin. Jenny McCarthy looked like an angel with silicon tits at her marriage over the weekend to the less successful Wahlberg brother. While celebrity marriages face long odds, celebrity marriages where both spouses have clear calendars until their iPhones stop counting stand a remarkably good chance at success.
Mark Wahlberg was unable to attend the wedding because he didn’t have enough airline points. Also because he’s a Catholic who believes you charitably accept wayward whores, you don’t marry them. Everybody was happy for Donnie for bagging the busty blond so they could update his Wiki page for the first time in twenty years. Donnie’s already practiced his ‘no comment’ smile for when reporters ask him if he agrees with his wife that ebola is natural and just makes kids stronger.
Photo credit: INF Photos
By Jack September 01, 2014 @ 9:20 AM
Marky Mark Wahlberg decided to not attend the wedding of his brother Donnie to screeching succubus Jenny McCarthy. Maybe he hates her because she is a batshit crazy anti-vaxxer bitchhole or maybe it’s just that he likes being the only asshole in the room and doesn’t want to share the spotlight.
Read all about Marky Mark’s feely feelings. (Dlisted)
Playmate April Summers has some big ‘ol titty balls. (COED)
“The Jersey Shore Massacre” may be the best movie ever. By best movie I mean a huge pile of shit. (Huffington Post)
Freckle-faced Nadine Leopold is hot as fuck in this spread for Urban Outfitters. (Popoholic)
Arianna Grande wears a very short skirt on the Today Show. Very short. (Drunken Stepfather)
Nina Dobrev in a bikini on a yacht. Happy fucking Labor Day! (Egotastic)
I fucking hate Rihanna but appreciate her in a bikini. (The Superficial)
By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 2:04 PM
When a true entertainment talent like Jenny McCarthy decides it’s time to leave The View after being fired, it’s like LeBron’s ‘Decision’. It’s just a matter of picking where she wants to spread her talent. Last week, she took a gig showing off her tits at a pool party in an off-strip Vegas hotel. Now, she’s launched her SiriusXM radio show Dirty Sexy Funny, because she’s almost one of those things.
The idea of having the microphone and being able to say whatever — I want that kind of freedom. The only analogy I can give is me going to Catholic school all my life and then when I went to college. That [kind of] freedom. I went nuts!”
In case you don’t follow Jenny McCarthy, you probably don’t realize she likes to mention the word college in every possible interview. She will torture the shit out of an analogy to remind you she took a couple classes at Southern Illinois before dropping out. But I guess she means she was heavily restricted at The View and now at Sirius she can fuck any guy who’s cute and lives in the football frat.
On her inaugural show this week, Jenny talked about explaining sex to her eleven year old son. That’s more Awkward Invasive Lame than Dirty Sexy Funny. But she’ll come around to more stories about getting married to the lesser Walhberg soon enough. It’s hard to estimate ratings on Sirius programs because it’s all subscription based, but if you pick eleven people as the size of her audience, I’m picking the under and taking the pot.
By Lex July 14, 2014 @ 11:58 AM
When Jenny McCarthy left The View due to being the worst swimmer in an intellectual pool of limbless ladies, she was given sixty seconds on air to talk about how her next project was going to be equally as huge and annoying. She fake laughed about how it would be a project where she didn’t need to fight for talking time and one that might even compete with The View itself. The three ladies in the audience not busy monitoring their blood sugar levels gasped just a little. But nobody could’ve have expected the children’s viral Phoenix to rise like she did, showing off her tits as a pool party hostess at one of the second tier Vegas casinos. She didn’t need to fight for talking time, she didn’t need to talk at all. And there’s no denying her fake tits are competition for The View, at least until Rosie O’Donnell pulls back her fleshy meat curtains to reveal her surrogate pregnancy sympathy episiotomy. I know, I just threw up too. Jenny McCarthy kept her word. The children with polio may now attempt to dance.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
By Matt July 09, 2014 @ 6:37 AM
The producers of The View allowed Jenny McCarthy to lie about leaving the show on her own terms. Her hiring was unpopular, her contributions to the show pure lesbian fake glasses shat, and her departure hurriedly arranged. She was like New Coke, if New Coke had tasted like unfunny vagina. While the locks were being changed on her dressing room, McCarthy used her last show to deliver some self serving bullshit:
“After much consideration, I’ve taken a new job that will allow me to do what I do best, which is talk without having to interrupt anyone.”
McCarthy didn’t mention any specifics about her new job. I can imagine getting married to the less successful Wahlberg and re-introducing whooping cough to the infant population of the Western world is work enough. I can’t believe I used to masturbate to this woman, although she did used to talk a lot less.
By Lex June 27, 2014 @ 11:48 AM
Sherri Shepherd won’t be coming back to The View. I know, I wish my office building window opened as well. Sherri’s people want to make it very clear that she wasn’t fired, she just wasn’t re-hired. Sort of how my last girlfriend didn’t break up with me, she just asked me not to come over anymore ever. This serves as a particularly large blow to people who take the time out of their busy mornings of folding a towel and cheating on their diets to listen to Sherri’s uneducated conjecture mixed seamlessly with USA Today factoids about the topics of the day. Also to everybody dying to know if Sherri’s lightly employed ex-husband will keep their baby gestating inside an unidentified third party. Now I need to read Bossip for another six months.
Jenny McCarthy, whose thoughtful lesbian reading glasses fooled nobody, announced on Twitter “If Sherri goes… I go too #sisters”. This may have been a more courageous stance had Jenny McCarthy also been fired, err, not re-hired. Still, the #sisters note does mean she’s now officially an auntie to Sherri’s throat baby. That means she’ll get to take the kid to see Annie, tuck into coffee shops for hot cocoa on cold New York days, and casually laugh about whooping cough and tuberculosis returning to our nation’s cities after many decades of viral retreat. Amid all the non rehirings, ABC announced that the show will be headed in an exciting new direction next season. That can only mean one thing — chatty fat Latinas!
Photo credit: ABC/The View