By Lex February 16, 2015 @ 10:00 AM
When deciding where to get your $30 cocktails in Vegas, you’re going to want to stop at the spot where Jenny McCarthy is making out with Donnie Wahlberg. That’s the X on your treasure map of excitement. I’m not sure how many names 1OAK crossed off their list as unavailable before they hit the lesser accomplished members of the McCarthy and Wahlberg families. Clearly you’ve been turned down by senior management in ISIS and the all of the CosRaped models. It might be worth the chance to offer McCarthy a large donation to the pro-polio program of her choice to show you any real part left on her body. When Kuato starts emerging from her stomach, run to the Luxor. You don’t need high end Vegas.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex January 22, 2015 @ 12:04 PM
I’m not a huge fan of children. They talk too much and you can’t legally punch them. I kind of hate Disney too. If you don’t now, you will after Star Wars. But I wouldn’t waste my falling star wishes seeing both die from the measles. 42 kids now have the shitty virus after visiting the Happiest Place On Earth, almost all of them non-immunized. It used to be easy enough to blame Jenny McCarthy, because she’s blond and has big fake tits and you can’t have her. But it’s pretty clear that whatever traction she gained in pushing her Polio Now campaigns was simply a byproduct of millions of moms who believe their reproductive abilities give them super human powers of medical understanding. What’s a PhD in virology against the knowledge gleaned from mousing over seventeen click bait articles from DontKillYourChild.com.
By contrast, the dirt poor Central American immigrant moms are rushing to the clinics to get their babies shot up since they lost the last five of them to 19th century rubella back in Oaxaca. They’ve seen the ravages of childhood disease and blinked. Each group wants to see their children live. The less conceited is more likely to see that happen. Stare into the face of your deathly ill child, Disney moms, and tell them how you really thought Kirstens’s Facebook share held all the answers. I hope they have enough saliva left to spit on you.
By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 1:20 PM
Jenny McCarthy seemed like an odd choice for Dead Dick Clark’s rocking New Year’s Eve telecast. She’s smarmy and not particularly witty and used to spend New Year’s being passed around by men at parties. Basically she’s Ryan Seacrest. We didn’t need both. Presumably McCarthy still owed ABC a few hours of intelligent banter since being fired from The View where she came up with none in six months of trying. When a long since deceased guy is throwing the best New Year’s party on television, you need to ask yourself, why is Jenny McCarthy not showing her tits and still on my screen? That’s not as polite as it is honest.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Jack November 12, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Extremely modestly talented Jenny McCarthy and New Kid On The Block Donnie Wahlberg are going to star in their own reality show. The show will be called TV Is Now Officially A Barren Wasteland of Retreaded Ideas For Brain Deads. Or, just Jenny Loves Donnie.
Read all about Jenny McCarthy’s new shit show. (The Superficial)
Are you ready for a new Tila Tequila sex tape? No, me neither. (TMZ)
Naya Rivera hates on Kim K because she didn’t think of that ass pic first. (Huffington Post)
Kylie Minogue writhes around in her underwear. (Drunken Stepfather)
Alyssa Barbara wears a see-through t-shirt and it’s good, real good. (Hollywood Tuna)
Alexandria Morgan in a swimsuit is faptastic. (Popoholic)
Khloe Kardashian pisses people off by comparing the KKK to her vagina. (Dlisted)
By Lex October 30, 2014 @ 11:01 AM
I give Jenny McCarthy an A for effort. She tried super hard to bring back polio and whooping cough, though she only succeeded among wealthy white moms who educate themselves through Facebook and Xanax. She took a stab at the movies in a couple classics solely available on the bottom shelf at Slovakian Blockbusters. She proved too not-fat for The View where dumb is certainly no issue. Now, radio. When you’re a person who sells themselves entirely on the superficial, radio is the place for you. It’s hard to know how well Jenny’s vagina talk show is doing on SiriusXM but based on past performance, you’d have to say between mediocre and about to be let go in an overly effusive corporate statement. It’s probably difficult to look back on your entertainment career and note that your lone success came when you were young and spread eagle in a magazine. Or maybe it’s awesome, because you know, most people never even get that.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 10:03 AM
Jenny McCarthy has two commercially viable skills: flashing her tits and telling dirty jokes. The moment these saloon whore party tricks stop, America tunes her out, save for a brief time when she convinced rich white women that vaccines were bad and polio was good thereby reversing the tide of deadly virus regression in the Western World. Minor footnote in the Wikipedia page. After being fired from the View for being unable to speak intelligently even by the View standards, Jenny took to SiriusXM Radio in her Dirty Sexy Funny radio show. There, eleven paid subscribers can guffaw as Jenny riffs uncensored on topics of the day such as how to give a cat a blowjob, would you eat a hot girls shit during sex, and whether you can use hysterectomy remains as a prophylactic. When the listener base dropped to single digits, Jenny flashed her tits for the in-studio cameras. You should never forsake your roots.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty, Splash