By Lex July 18, 2014 @ 2:04 PM
When a true entertainment talent like Jenny McCarthy decides it’s time to leave The View after being fired, it’s like LeBron’s ‘Decision’. It’s just a matter of picking where she wants to spread her talent. Last week, she took a gig showing off her tits at a pool party in an off-strip Vegas hotel. Now, she’s launched her SiriusXM radio show Dirty Sexy Funny, because she’s almost one of those things.
The idea of having the microphone and being able to say whatever — I want that kind of freedom. The only analogy I can give is me going to Catholic school all my life and then when I went to college. That [kind of] freedom. I went nuts!”
In case you don’t follow Jenny McCarthy, you probably don’t realize she likes to mention the word college in every possible interview. She will torture the shit out of an analogy to remind you she took a couple classes at Southern Illinois before dropping out. But I guess she means she was heavily restricted at The View and now at Sirius she can fuck any guy who’s cute and lives in the football frat.
On her inaugural show this week, Jenny talked about explaining sex to her eleven year old son. That’s more Awkward Invasive Lame than Dirty Sexy Funny. But she’ll come around to more stories about getting married to the lesser Walhberg soon enough. It’s hard to estimate ratings on Sirius programs because it’s all subscription based, but if you pick eleven people as the size of her audience, I’m picking the under and taking the pot.
By Lex July 14, 2014 @ 11:58 AM
When Jenny McCarthy left The View due to being the worst swimmer in an intellectual pool of limbless ladies, she was given sixty seconds on air to talk about how her next project was going to be equally as huge and annoying. She fake laughed about how it would be a project where she didn’t need to fight for talking time and one that might even compete with The View itself. The three ladies in the audience not busy monitoring their blood sugar levels gasped just a little. But nobody could’ve have expected the children’s viral Phoenix to rise like she did, showing off her tits as a pool party hostess at one of the second tier Vegas casinos. She didn’t need to fight for talking time, she didn’t need to talk at all. And there’s no denying her fake tits are competition for The View, at least until Rosie O’Donnell pulls back her fleshy meat curtains to reveal her surrogate pregnancy sympathy episiotomy. I know, I just threw up too. Jenny McCarthy kept her word. The children with polio may now attempt to dance.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
By Matt July 09, 2014 @ 6:37 AM
The producers of The View allowed Jenny McCarthy to lie about leaving the show on her own terms. Her hiring was unpopular, her contributions to the show pure lesbian fake glasses shat, and her departure hurriedly arranged. She was like New Coke, if New Coke had tasted like unfunny vagina. While the locks were being changed on her dressing room, McCarthy used her last show to deliver some self serving bullshit:
“After much consideration, I’ve taken a new job that will allow me to do what I do best, which is talk without having to interrupt anyone.”
McCarthy didn’t mention any specifics about her new job. I can imagine getting married to the less successful Wahlberg and re-introducing whooping cough to the infant population of the Western world is work enough. I can’t believe I used to masturbate to this woman, although she did used to talk a lot less.
By Lex June 27, 2014 @ 11:48 AM
Sherri Shepherd won’t be coming back to The View. I know, I wish my office building window opened as well. Sherri’s people want to make it very clear that she wasn’t fired, she just wasn’t re-hired. Sort of how my last girlfriend didn’t break up with me, she just asked me not to come over anymore ever. This serves as a particularly large blow to people who take the time out of their busy mornings of folding a towel and cheating on their diets to listen to Sherri’s uneducated conjecture mixed seamlessly with USA Today factoids about the topics of the day. Also to everybody dying to know if Sherri’s lightly employed ex-husband will keep their baby gestating inside an unidentified third party. Now I need to read Bossip for another six months.
Jenny McCarthy, whose thoughtful lesbian reading glasses fooled nobody, announced on Twitter “If Sherri goes… I go too #sisters”. This may have been a more courageous stance had Jenny McCarthy also been fired, err, not re-hired. Still, the #sisters note does mean she’s now officially an auntie to Sherri’s throat baby. That means she’ll get to take the kid to see Annie, tuck into coffee shops for hot cocoa on cold New York days, and casually laugh about whooping cough and tuberculosis returning to our nation’s cities after many decades of viral retreat. Amid all the non rehirings, ABC announced that the show will be headed in an exciting new direction next season. That can only mean one thing — chatty fat Latinas!
Photo credit: ABC/The View
By Lex May 15, 2014 @ 3:13 PM
Weddings always make me cry. I’m a sucker for true love. And if this world can’t stop for a minute and recognize the romance between a topless model who technically never once told moms not to vaccinate their kids and a guy whose brother has been good in three out of twenty-four films he’s made, then why the fuck is it spinning in its first place? That’s rhetorical. Where’s my fucking hanky.
Photo Credit: Shape
By Lex May 09, 2014 @ 1:18 PM
In a slight amendment to her earlier comments that vaccinating your children is just like callously ramming a tetanus covered nail through the brain stems of your infants, Jenny McCarthy is now saying, run, don’t walk to get your kids knotted up with shots before the Polio prevents them from any ambulatory activities. In no way related to her gig on The View, her new book, or massive Internet backlash, Jenny is speaking out to clear the air on being branded ‘anti-vaccination’. Though doing so with her top on means less people will be paying attention:
“My beautiful son, Evan, inspired this mother to question the ‘one size fits all’ philosophy of the recommended vaccine schedule. I embarked on this quest not only for myself and my family, but for countless parents who shared my desire for knowledge that could lead to options and alternate schedules, but never to eliminate the vaccines. This is not a change in my stance nor is it a new position I have recently adopted, I’ve never told anyone to not vaccinate.”
Jenny also added that Pol Pot never actually killed anybody and Bernie Madoff never actually cashed any checks and she’d like the same kind of deference given to men in these situations. Then she pointed out her new smart girl glasses and prayed nobody would fact check any of her statements.
In more important news, Jenny declared she’s found the love of her life in Marky Mark’s brother and can’t wait to get married somewhere in the countryside, far away from the inexplicably revived tuberculosis outbreaks.