Stripper Sues Jerry Jones

By Matt September 11, 2014 @ 8:01 AM

Welk

Stripper and humanitarian Jana Weckerly, who took the photos of Jerry Jones’ drunken bathroom boner festival, is now suing Jones over the sexual shenanigans that happened that same evening. Weckerly claims Jones touched her privates, made her touch his crinkly Cowboy, and forced her to watch while he got a blow job from another chick with that Jedi Mind Trick that forbids you from leaving the room and wandering half naked through a wide hallway with coke drip. Jones’ lawyers have responded in full force trying to make Weckerly and her lawyer cry like toddler extortionists:

“These allegations are completely false. The legal complaint is unsupported by facts or evidence of any kind. This is nothing more than an attempt to embarrass and extort Jerry Jones. This is a money grab by a lawyer who is a solo practitioner just trying to make a name for himself.  The alleged incidents would have been more than five years old. We intend to vigorously contest this complaint and expect it will be shown for what it is — a shakedown. Due to the seriousness of these baseless allegations, we have also involved law enforcement.”

Suing a billionaire for unwanted diddling seems like a great idea until you have to deal with all the fucking paperwork. Weckerly’s lawyer claims she is currently ‘taking medicine’ to deal with the trauma of that evening, or will be when she remembers precisely which of the ten thousand old man dicks she’s stroked belong to Jones. I also find doing shots of Wild Turkey in titty bars helps ease the pain of ages birth to thirty though unlike Weckerly I can’t pinpoint the pain to one specific evening. It’s more questionable decision making that leads you to watching a AARP platinum member getting blown on a comforter by your gal pal. Weckerly is suing for $1 million dollars stuffed into her panties five bucks at a time. Good luck, Jana, and don’t forget to update your LinkedIn profile.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

Jerry Jones Puts Stripper Photos Into Context

By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 12:51 PM

Jerry-Jones-Poses-With-Girls-In-Racy-Leaked-Photos-01-760x570
Jerry Jones had one simple statement regarding the social media leaked photos of himself with a couple of party girls in a restaurant bathroom:

Someone has misrepresented photos taken at a restaurant five years ago for their own purposes.

Jerry refused to comment past this single sentence, but I think we can all relate to how strippers and booze have caused us to be misrepresented. I once blew through three paychecks worth of dough being misrepresented for several hours in a Las Vegas establishment.

The strippers involved both claim to be victims of this misrepresentation outbreak as well. They assert they had no idea their third stripper friend was snapping their bawdy pictures with Jones, despite the fact they are both looking directly at the camera mouthing the word ‘cheese’. Both strippers have hired attorneys to help clean the Internet of their victimizing photos. Or, you know, their failed extortion pics. As for the conspirator who took the actual photos, she’s missing. Excavating shallow graves in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area might be the best place to start looking. Jerry Jones tolerates an 8-8 season better than he does blackmail.

Jerry Jones Sextorted! What the Fuck Does That Even Mean?

By Lex August 07, 2014 @ 9:52 AM

Jerry Jones Poses With Girls In Racy Leaked Photos
Some crazy dude with a Messiah complex has been stalking Jerry Jones because I guess he lacks the imagination to find somebody more interesting to harass. Frank Hoover’s not even a pissed off Cowboys fan, which would make actual sense. He’s just a dude who thinks he’s Jesus sent from heaven to protect Jerry Jones from some unseen evil, though not actually helpful enough to warn Jerry against expecting Tony Romo to win a Super Bowl. Earlier this year, Hoover sent a 20-page manifesto to Jerry Jones that you can try to decipher if you’re fluent in the psychotic arts. The rambling letter contained racy photos of a presumably loaded Jerry Jones in a bathroom with young women doing some stupid strip club type selfies. Hoover claimed he wanted to protect Jones from an extortion plot, also the CIA, the NSA, the National Organization for Women, and the men stationed on the moon and read our thoughts.

For some reason, Jones and his attorneys chose to ignore Hoover. This being 2014 when crazy people have massive public digital media fora built just for their crazy, Hoover started publicizing the photos on Twitter and mailing off his cryptic rants to various sports media outlets. Now it’s a thing I guess. This isn’t exactly Donald Sterling. This is just a rich dude from Texas getting his drink on and taking photos with a couple party girls. If you imagine this is the worst thing Jerry Jones does in his private life, then you’re pretty crappy at imagining.

The only question really unanswered here is how Dallas Jesus got the photos. He claims they were sent to him by a group of people intent on sextorting Jones. Obviously, any experienced blackmailer is going to want to share his plans with a nut job on Twitter before rolling out. If this is the best they’ve got, this is pretty weak. Jones isn’t even on tapetelling the girls how much he hates the Mexicans coming to Cowboys games. Step up your game, sextorters. You’re giving grifters a big black eye this morning.

Photo Credit: Twitter