Seems just a little pretentious to lay out in a bikini on the front of your yacht. Like Jessica Biel did in Puerto Rico this weekend. I thought that shit only happened when a spy was trying to seduce James Bond. Or in rap videos. Or when a girl got punched out at a wide receivers coke party.
It's kinda touching that while Jessica Biel is trying to pose for pictures, Diddy is staring at her rack and falling in love, fanaticizing about tandem bike rides by a stream and laughing together on a swing and getting a daisy to do “she loves me, she loves me not”. One thing is for certain though - he certainly looks handsome in his little coat. And after pictures he pulled a bouquet of flowers out from his sleeve and made a tiger disappear! Oooooo, ahhhhh!
It can be really hard to suffer through awards shows but the Golden Globes is especially boring because none of the chicks even care enough to dress trampy. Most of them looked like absolute hell, with the exception of Ali Larter and Jessica Biel. Biel can still look like a girl when she puts on the right dress. She’s still too muscular though. Her vagina must feel like leather. Ali Larter looked fantastic as usual. Just the fact that she looks fresh faced and clean makes her stand out in Hollywood these days. She’s pretty like a rainbow. A rainbow with long blond hair and a hot ass.
If I was making a scary ghost movie I would definitely cast Jessica Biel, because black guys love movies and girls with big asses and they're hilariously scared of ghosts. I can't remember where I was going with that but I'm pretty sure it was brilliant. (I'm not gonna lie to you, this is my week off and I'm pretty much phonin it in. Mostly because its Christmas week, and absolutely nothing happens in Hollywood during Christmas week. Back to normal next week though.)
Jessica Biel (seen here spending Christmas in Hawaii) has the power to turn gay men straight, and if that came out as a compliment I should probably rephrase it, because what I mean is that she’s built like Ray Lewis but is technically still a girl. Holy crap, look at the guns on this chick. I think she might be Batman.
Jessica Biel is so perfect she should be frozen and studied. Or at least used as a breeder. Some of you may scoff at the moral implications of something like that, to which I would fake a cough while barking out "homo". To further discredit your pedantic objection, I would grab your wrists in front of the other members of whatever board is in charge of this sort of thing and demand you "stop hitting yourself". The room would then fill with impressed murmuring and my powerful Aristotelian logic would once again rule the day.
