By Lex September 17, 2015 @ 10:08 AM
Fashion Week separates the wheat from the chaff. It’s all fun and games to pretend you’re hot at 5’1″ with an obscenely plumped up bottoms and titties, but when these fashion houses are plunking down millions to sell simply stunning variations of the same shit they’ve all been selling for years, that’s when the body shaming begins for real. Haute couture doesn’t tolerate a fat ass. Tall, slender, and can you go braless without the one straight dude in the audience instinctively tossing in fives. It’s okay squat trolls, it’s still you we’re calling at 3am after leaving The Anchor. Take pride in your work. Kendall for show, Kylie for play, by way of short hand.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex March 19, 2015 @ 10:28 AM
It’s been a long year for Jessica Hart being on on Taylor Swift’s shit list. Swift had Hart offed from the Victoria’s Secret fashion show for failing to recognize Swift’s superior genetics to every other human being on the planet. It’s a simple ask. Taylor, you’re the best. Your vagina smells like mint and kittens. A quick bow down before Zod and you’re done. It takes just a couple minutes. Jessica Hart messed up and hasn’t been allowed in a Forever 21 since.
There are those small handful of people you don’t want to cross in your life. The creepy old neighbor lady at the end of the block with one light on in the attic at night, NFL linebackers as a category, and Taylor Swift. This chick is lucky she survived with just a slightly larger off-putting gap in her teeth. Taylor Swift hexed that upon her. She wasn’t going to let her get away without some bitch don’t fuck with me reminder of their tussle.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 7:11 AM
Jessica Hart posed for Porter Magazine in a painted on gold bikini. I feel weird when I wear boxer briefs at the Hard Rock pool because I forgot to bring swim trunks. Actually that might be justified. Even getting a massage and begging for a hand job afterwards seems oddly personal, and I’m covered in a towel no matter how many times I remove it. I feel none of this compares to the feeling of having the inner region of your ass crack painted with golden twinkly paint. Don’t let it start to tickle, if you climax the process must be started over. Time is money. The stirrups and constant coughing make a communal shower seem comfortable by comparison. Then there’s having your anus blow dried. All just to sell some ad space for Ralph Lauren. Beats a cubicle.
Photo Credit: Porter Magazine
By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 6:49 AM
Taylor Swift has reportedly blacklisted Victoria’s Secret model Jessica Hart from their annual Parade of hot chicks prancing around in stupid shit. This comes after Hart made some disparaging comments about her, according to an anonymous Insider who could easily be a bored coked up janitor who works for the venue:
“No one can know that Taylor requested Ms. Hart not be in the show; they want to keep that under wraps but that’s the facts.”
Swift lip synched a few numbers at last year’s display, and following her performance Hart was asked if she thought Swift had the talent to make it as a Victoria’s Secret girl:
“No… I think, you know what, god bless her heart. I think she’s great. But, I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit.”
That might seem tame but represents the first complete sentence Hart has ever spoken. For Swift it must be rough. You’re used to being the hot chick all the gay guys fawn over and one night a year you’re the ugliest and most talented person in the room. Being hot and mostly useless outside of your renowned walking ability is a much better way of life. Hart underestimated Swift’s dark side. They always hate you because you’re beautiful.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex May 22, 2014 @ 12:41 PM
Photo Credit: Harper’s Bazaar Australia