By Lex January 21, 2016 @ 11:43 AM
Jessica Simpson caravanned her entire freeloading family down to that resort in Cabo that puts up celebrities for free provided they pay no attention to the teeny tiny Mexican photographers lining the palm trees. Somebody’s got to sell crappy shmata at Walmart to pay for her own birthday trips. I’d probably drink heavily too.
Simpson still looks tit smashing in a bikini. Her husband who played for eleven seconds in the NFL before retiring to her bank account almost ruined the birthday trip when he posed in the gay male porn submissive position with his head between Jessica’s moms spread legs. It’s the kind of thing that’s super funny when you’re high on peyote and cactus with your mom who was married to a gay dude for decades. Beards gone wild. If you move down the side roads in Cabo you can see the X-rated version of this same act. Ask for a cup of Purell with your nachos. Trump just built a wall behind us. We’re never getting home.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 09, 2015 @ 10:53 AM
Jessica Simpson launched yet another apparel line because stay at home dads and high end vodka don’t pay for themselves. She studied with the physiologists in Tibet to perfect a way to contort her legs so her legs looks less thick. It was time. The line is described as ‘active wear’ which means discount and allowing for substantial muffin top. This is America where we purchase clothing by the square foot. Come along for the ride. There will be drinks and her gay dad will sing. Do you have a Target rewards card? Yes, this is the reward.
Photo Credit: Jessica Simpson
By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 12:46 PM
Jessica Simpson is married, she’s not dead. Also, buzzed not drunk. And puffy not heavy. She’s still got those magnificent tits that along with her ability to lip-synch and be from Texas made her famous fifteen years ago. Origin stories of most billionaires go deeper into detail. There’s not much else to this one. Make shit. Sell shit. Hope your gay preacher dad doesn’t sleep with your husband. What are those black leather pants doing hanging over the chair? Daddy! He’s incorrigible.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex September 11, 2015 @ 7:57 AM
Jessica Simpson’s one regret isn’t her gay pastor dad in black leather pants or having to lug her sister into an undeserved singing career or even the fact that consuming a single Cheetoh causes her expand to 10x girth. It’s her first husband Nick Lachey, who she quickly cited as the biggest financial mistake of her billion dollar bank account.
Simpson’s CNBC interviewer informed her that first marriages are what most people cite as their worst money decision ever. Which should only serve to remind people, don’t marry the first person you’re certain is the right one. They’re not. Kim Davis is doing the sodomites a service by making them jump through hoops. Maybe that’s Jesus’ real plan. A cooling off period to decide whether good orgasms deserve a lifetime bond of three years and tons of community property divisions. If you can trust anybody it’s a blond ditz who’s fallen into a shoes and accessories empire. That’s the new oracle.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt July 27, 2015 @ 7:47 AM
Jessica Simpson is only 35 years old despite having recorded that one song she’s known for which you can’t think of during the formative years of the disco era. Simpson recently lost seventy pounds dropping her weight classification down to Clydesdale. She also had her second child, Ace Knute, which I believe is an invasive species of venomous snake which gets made fun of by the other snakes until it develops an eating disorder. Simpson has gone from a possible ten to a Dave and Busters nine in the span of a few years. That’s still very good, but if you’re intent on reaching middle age twelve years ahead of time and staying half relevant you’re going to have to start doing things again. Start with a walk around the neighborhood and work your way up to a folk album. You’re not getting any younger. In fact it’s the exact opposite. I’m still betting on hot grandma.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex June 03, 2015 @ 11:07 AM
Every now and then that little ounce of humanity in me finds pity for even the indulged celebrities. Like Jessica Simpson getting loaded on three glasses of champagne and starvation diets and having to face a thousand high powered camera lights coming out of a club late night (here’s the TMZ video). I can’t imagine how much I’d want to Hulk smash the shit out of people shining pain into my inebriated irises on my rare drinking night out. Millions of dollars and mansions and chauffeurs are nice. But at this moment you’re trading it all in for dim lighting and a piping hot twin pack of Jack in the Box tacos. Beneath our big enhanced tits, we’re all just the same imperfect animals. I call first on humping.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI