Jessica Simpson Still Alive

By Matt July 27, 2015 @ 7:47 AM


Jessica Simpson is only 35 years old despite having recorded that one song she’s known for which you can’t think of during the formative years of the disco era. Simpson recently lost seventy pounds dropping her weight classification down to Clydesdale. She also had her second child, Ace Knute, which I believe is an invasive species of venomous snake which gets made fun of by the other snakes until it develops an eating disorder. Simpson has gone from a possible ten to a Dave and Busters nine in the span of a few years. That’s still very good, but if you’re intent on reaching middle age twelve years ahead of time and staying half relevant you’re going to have to start doing things again. Start with a walk around the neighborhood and work your way up to a folk album. You’re not getting any younger. In fact it’s the exact opposite. I’m still betting on hot grandma.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jessica Simpson Fully Loaded

By Lex June 03, 2015 @ 11:07 AM

Jessica Simpson Gets Helped Out Of The Sayers Club
Every now and then that little ounce of humanity in me finds pity for even the indulged celebrities. Like Jessica Simpson getting loaded on three glasses of champagne and starvation diets and having to face a thousand high powered camera lights coming out of a club late night (here’s the TMZ video). I can’t imagine how much I’d want to Hulk smash the shit out of people shining pain into my inebriated irises on my rare drinking night out. Millions of dollars and mansions and chauffeurs are nice. But at this moment you’re trading it all in for dim lighting and a piping hot twin pack of Jack in the Box tacos. Beneath our big enhanced tits, we’re all just the same imperfect animals. I call first on humping.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jessica Simpson’s Husband Squeezes

By Lex April 07, 2015 @ 9:48 AM

Eric Johnson Feels Up Jessica Simpsons Butt
This is the new world. The women make the bread and the hunk husbands play the role of doting spouse. Before you enter this type of arrangement, ask yourself this, as much as I love fine dining and jet ski vacations and having half the young female population of Tegucigalpa taking care of the babies I produce, can I handle being thirty-five and on an allowance and having to check in every hour via emoji smiley face and an explanation of my whereabouts. Also, do I mind being interrupted during the ballgame to stage romantic candids for social media. When the clock winds down that pre-nup is going to sting, but in the meantime, grab a hunk of ass and hold on. You get your next check on Thursday.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Jessica Simpson Fresh Pimping

By Lex March 05, 2015 @ 11:14 AM

Jessica Simpson Daisy Dukes For Jessica Simpson
Here’s a plan for women who complain about being fat when getting older and having babies and aggressively overeating. Be like Jessica Simpson. Have Weight Watchers threaten to pull their multi-million dollar marketing deal. Rent a gym wall to wall, cover the windows with cardboard, and bring in two Brazilian trainers and an organic kefir fermenter to live on the premises. Take the next six months to two years off from work. Get fit. Work out a sweet new signature clothing line deal. Model. Airbrush. Be rich and happy. If you weren’t good looking before this process, I’m sure you can find an alternate plan.

Photo Credit: Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Does 50 Shades

By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 8:26 AM

Jessica Simpson Does 50 Shades Of Grey
Jessica Simpson homaging Fifty Shades of Grey is a reminder that nobody edits a chick worth $150 million. Not her unemployed husband, not her gay dad, not her sister who is either a double amputee or a twice shotgun married bride, I can’t recall. Simpson might benefit from somebody waving the slow down sign on ideas that come into her head between her carefully measured snacks. You give her lip service on Fifty Shades then push Theory of Everything. Talk about a sexy love story. What’s hotter than Jessica Simpson in a wheelchair drooling into her own tits. Light up the phones on HSN. Mama’s got some acai berry cleanser to move.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Jessica Simpson Transitioning

By Matt February 09, 2015 @ 7:02 AM


Jessica Simpson looks hot without makeup. Not in that Hottest Chick In The World sense from a few years back. More like I could totally see myself banging this softball mom if I helped clean up after the barbecue. This is totally fine. You can gaze up at that bottle of ’54 Mccallan from the corner seat at the bar and wonder if some day you’ll get a taste. Or you can order a Johnny Walker, sit back and enjoy. Bring on the frumpy draw strings and some glittery shirt you bought at Disneyland. Once you’re belly up it’s all the same. I think Simpson is purposefully procuring this image by posing with Walmart trash nobody cares about except past their prime chicks and dudes who have given up on excalibur. There’s a million things to be, you know that there are.

Photo Credit: Instagram