Jessica Simpson See Through

By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 12:46 PM

Jessica Simpson See Through Top In NYC
Jessica Simpson is married, she’s not dead. Also, buzzed not drunk. And puffy not heavy. She’s still got those magnificent tits that along with her ability to lip-synch and be from Texas made her famous fifteen years ago. Origin stories of most billionaires go deeper into detail. There’s not much else to this one. Make shit. Sell shit. Hope your gay preacher dad doesn’t sleep with your husband. What are those black leather pants doing hanging over the chair? Daddy! He’s incorrigible.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jessica Simpson One Regret

By Lex September 11, 2015 @ 7:57 AM

Jessica Simpson Sheer Top Night Out In NYC
Jessica Simpson’s one regret isn’t her gay pastor dad in black leather pants or having to lug her sister into an undeserved singing career or even the fact that consuming a single Cheetoh causes her expand to 10x girth. It’s her first husband Nick Lachey, who she quickly cited as the biggest financial mistake of her billion dollar bank account.

Simpson’s CNBC interviewer informed her that first marriages are what most people cite as their worst money decision ever. Which should only serve to remind people, don’t marry the first person you’re certain is the right one. They’re not. Kim Davis is doing the sodomites a service by making them jump through hoops. Maybe that’s Jesus’ real plan. A cooling off period to decide whether good orgasms deserve a lifetime bond of three years and tons of community property divisions. If you can trust anybody it’s a blond ditz who’s fallen into a shoes and accessories empire. That’s the new oracle.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jessica Simpson Still Alive

By Matt July 27, 2015 @ 7:47 AM


Jessica Simpson is only 35 years old despite having recorded that one song she’s known for which you can’t think of during the formative years of the disco era. Simpson recently lost seventy pounds dropping her weight classification down to Clydesdale. She also had her second child, Ace Knute, which I believe is an invasive species of venomous snake which gets made fun of by the other snakes until it develops an eating disorder. Simpson has gone from a possible ten to a Dave and Busters nine in the span of a few years. That’s still very good, but if you’re intent on reaching middle age twelve years ahead of time and staying half relevant you’re going to have to start doing things again. Start with a walk around the neighborhood and work your way up to a folk album. You’re not getting any younger. In fact it’s the exact opposite. I’m still betting on hot grandma.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jessica Simpson Fully Loaded

By Lex June 03, 2015 @ 11:07 AM

Jessica Simpson Gets Helped Out Of The Sayers Club
Every now and then that little ounce of humanity in me finds pity for even the indulged celebrities. Like Jessica Simpson getting loaded on three glasses of champagne and starvation diets and having to face a thousand high powered camera lights coming out of a club late night (here’s the TMZ video). I can’t imagine how much I’d want to Hulk smash the shit out of people shining pain into my inebriated irises on my rare drinking night out. Millions of dollars and mansions and chauffeurs are nice. But at this moment you’re trading it all in for dim lighting and a piping hot twin pack of Jack in the Box tacos. Beneath our big enhanced tits, we’re all just the same imperfect animals. I call first on humping.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jessica Simpson’s Husband Squeezes

By Lex April 07, 2015 @ 9:48 AM

Eric Johnson Feels Up Jessica Simpsons Butt
This is the new world. The women make the bread and the hunk husbands play the role of doting spouse. Before you enter this type of arrangement, ask yourself this, as much as I love fine dining and jet ski vacations and having half the young female population of Tegucigalpa taking care of the babies I produce, can I handle being thirty-five and on an allowance and having to check in every hour via emoji smiley face and an explanation of my whereabouts. Also, do I mind being interrupted during the ballgame to stage romantic candids for social media. When the clock winds down that pre-nup is going to sting, but in the meantime, grab a hunk of ass and hold on. You get your next check on Thursday.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Jessica Simpson Fresh Pimping

By Lex March 05, 2015 @ 11:14 AM

Jessica Simpson Daisy Dukes For Jessica Simpson
Here’s a plan for women who complain about being fat when getting older and having babies and aggressively overeating. Be like Jessica Simpson. Have Weight Watchers threaten to pull their multi-million dollar marketing deal. Rent a gym wall to wall, cover the windows with cardboard, and bring in two Brazilian trainers and an organic kefir fermenter to live on the premises. Take the next six months to two years off from work. Get fit. Work out a sweet new signature clothing line deal. Model. Airbrush. Be rich and happy. If you weren’t good looking before this process, I’m sure you can find an alternate plan.

Photo Credit: Jessica Simpson