Jessica Simpson had a birthday

By brendon July 11, 2011 @ 11:51 AM

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Jessica Simpsons 31st birthday was yesterday, and she was so excited about the present her fiance bought her with her money that she went on twitter to post a picture and say…

“Eric made my birthday!!! I have never been more surprised in my life! Jackie O who? ;)”

That’s a purse, by the way. If you couldn’t tell. It’s from Hermes. It’s called a Birkin, and you couldn’t get a girl any wetter unless it was filled with sleeping puppies. They’re basically legal rohypnol. They start at around $8,000 but can easily reach $150,000. They come in 4 sizes (20, 30, 35 and 40 centimeter), and are usually made of either leather, ostrich, crocodile, or lizard skin. Victoria Beckham has spent around $2.3 million on them.

Jessicas looks like a 40cm leather bag, so it probably cost around $15,000. She’s actually really well known for her extensive and extra fancy bag collection (though she usually carries Louis Vuitton), so she’s either acting so happy to be polite or because this is actually a Birkin shaped cake.

you have got to be gd kidding me

By brendon July 07, 2011 @ 6:53 PM

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Jessica Simpson announced her new fragrance today, a perfume called ‘I Fancy You.’ You read that right by the way. ‘I Fancy You’. Her perfume is called ‘I Fancy You’. Because nothing gets a guy hotter than hundred year old phrases his grandmother used. I also like my girlfriend to wear a white wig and bifocals and a sweater with a Christmas tree on it, and when I fuck her in the ass she looks over her shoulder at me and yells, “you kids get outa there!” Finally, a perfume for me!

Jessica Simpson is easily perplexed

By brendon June 30, 2011 @ 9:21 AM

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Splash News says that Jessica Simpson was having dinner in Santa Monica on Tuesday night, and when she was done she left in an Escalade limousine. Which would be fine if that limousine was for her. Eventually her fiance followed her to a red light and she got into the right car.

This may be a simple misunderstanding or change of plans, but keep in mind that Jessica has done this several other times before. She’ll just climb into any shiny black car. So if you’d like to kidnap Jessica Simpson and get away with it, that’s how your plan should start.

Jessica Simpson is freezing and/or really hot

By brendon May 09, 2011 @ 9:40 AM

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Jessica Simpson, her fiance Eric Johnson, her sister Ashlee and Ashlees son Bronx, sat down for a photo shoot on Saturday in Beverly Hills, where it must have been really hot below three feet and really chilly above that. Later, rain clouds formed around Jessicas waist when the two fronts collided.

(image source = flynet)

Jessica Simpson looked, umm, kinda hot actually

By brendon April 27, 2011 @ 10:51 AM


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Last night at Eden in LA, Us magazine held their annual Hot Hollywood party, an event dedicated to giving really attractive people some special attention. I know, right! Finally! For far too long Hollywood has based success solely on merit.

The big star of the night was Jessica Simpson, who I guess is dieting for her wedding because she looked really good, better than she has in a long time. More sexy, less tubby lump. I’m sure next week she’ll wear something that’s not as flattering and I’ll write some bitchy piece of shit about her then too, but at least for now I have a hard on while thinking about it.

(image source = splash news and bauer griffin and wenn)

Jessica Simpson wants a low cut wedding gown

By brendon April 15, 2011 @ 2:27 PM

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Jessica Simpson is engaged but hasn’t chosen a time or place to get married yet, because according to her the number 1 priority is to find a wedding dress that will “flatter her physique”. Unfortunately she’s working with designers and not magical wizards, so it’s a long process. People says…

Simpson gravitates toward v-neck or scoop necks, which flatter her physique and help her avoid looking “top heavy.”
Besides, “I like my collar bone,” adds Simpson, 30. “I have a long neck, so I like to show off my décolletage.”

“I have a long neck”? Oh shut up, you do not. You’re just trying to hide how much weight you’ve put on. And since you’re so determined to never work out again, you’re best option is to go buy that invisibility cloak and make a dress out of that.