you have got to be gd kidding me

By brendon July 07, 2011 @ 6:53 PM


Jessica Simpson announced her new fragrance today, a perfume called ‘I Fancy You.’ You read that right by the way. ‘I Fancy You’. Her perfume is called ‘I Fancy You’. Because nothing gets a guy hotter than hundred year old phrases his grandmother used. I also like my girlfriend to wear a white wig and bifocals and a sweater with a Christmas tree on it, and when I fuck her in the ass she looks over her shoulder at me and yells, “you kids get outa there!” Finally, a perfume for me!

Jessica Simpson is easily perplexed

By brendon June 30, 2011 @ 9:21 AM


Splash News says that Jessica Simpson was having dinner in Santa Monica on Tuesday night, and when she was done she left in an Escalade limousine. Which would be fine if that limousine was for her. Eventually her fiance followed her to a red light and she got into the right car.

This may be a simple misunderstanding or change of plans, but keep in mind that Jessica has done this several other times before. She’ll just climb into any shiny black car. So if you’d like to kidnap Jessica Simpson and get away with it, that’s how your plan should start.

Jessica Simpson is freezing and/or really hot

By brendon May 09, 2011 @ 9:40 AM


Jessica Simpson, her fiance Eric Johnson, her sister Ashlee and Ashlees son Bronx, sat down for a photo shoot on Saturday in Beverly Hills, where it must have been really hot below three feet and really chilly above that. Later, rain clouds formed around Jessicas waist when the two fronts collided.

(image source = flynet)

Jessica Simpson looked, umm, kinda hot actually

By brendon April 27, 2011 @ 10:51 AM


Last night at Eden in LA, Us magazine held their annual Hot Hollywood party, an event dedicated to giving really attractive people some special attention. I know, right! Finally! For far too long Hollywood has based success solely on merit.

The big star of the night was Jessica Simpson, who I guess is dieting for her wedding because she looked really good, better than she has in a long time. More sexy, less tubby lump. I’m sure next week she’ll wear something that’s not as flattering and I’ll write some bitchy piece of shit about her then too, but at least for now I have a hard on while thinking about it.

(image source = splash news and bauer griffin and wenn)

Jessica Simpson wants a low cut wedding gown

By brendon April 15, 2011 @ 2:27 PM


Jessica Simpson is engaged but hasn’t chosen a time or place to get married yet, because according to her the number 1 priority is to find a wedding dress that will “flatter her physique”. Unfortunately she’s working with designers and not magical wizards, so it’s a long process. People says…

Simpson gravitates toward v-neck or scoop necks, which flatter her physique and help her avoid looking “top heavy.”
Besides, “I like my collar bone,” adds Simpson, 30. “I have a long neck, so I like to show off my décolletage.”

“I have a long neck”? Oh shut up, you do not. You’re just trying to hide how much weight you’ve put on. And since you’re so determined to never work out again, you’re best option is to go buy that invisibility cloak and make a dress out of that.

Jessica Simpson uses her boobs to get out of tickets

By brendon April 14, 2011 @ 12:54 PM

SEMI-EXCLUSIVE: Jessica Simpson Packing On The Pounds Again

For now let’s just ignore how dumb it is for People to have Jessica Simpson on the 2011 Most Beautiful list, I’m sure I’m go in to great detail about that later, for now let’s deal with the other dumb part of her profile, and that is her claim that her tits get her out of parking tickets.

Being well-endowed since sixth grade, the blonde bombshell points out that “there’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”

“And you should see me at Dunkin when they have the cocoa jelly donuts! I let that kid just straight up titty fuck me!”

(image source = flynet)