Jessica Simpson wants a low cut wedding gown

By brendon April 15, 2011 @ 2:27 PM

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Jessica Simpson is engaged but hasn’t chosen a time or place to get married yet, because according to her the number 1 priority is to find a wedding dress that will “flatter her physique”. Unfortunately she’s working with designers and not magical wizards, so it’s a long process. People says…

Simpson gravitates toward v-neck or scoop necks, which flatter her physique and help her avoid looking “top heavy.”
Besides, “I like my collar bone,” adds Simpson, 30. “I have a long neck, so I like to show off my décolletage.”

“I have a long neck”? Oh shut up, you do not. You’re just trying to hide how much weight you’ve put on. And since you’re so determined to never work out again, you’re best option is to go buy that invisibility cloak and make a dress out of that.

Jessica Simpson uses her boobs to get out of tickets

By brendon April 14, 2011 @ 12:54 PM

SEMI-EXCLUSIVE: Jessica Simpson Packing On The Pounds Again

For now let’s just ignore how dumb it is for People to have Jessica Simpson on the 2011 Most Beautiful list, I’m sure I’m go in to great detail about that later, for now let’s deal with the other dumb part of her profile, and that is her claim that her tits get her out of parking tickets.

Being well-endowed since sixth grade, the blonde bombshell points out that “there’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”

“And you should see me at Dunkin when they have the cocoa jelly donuts! I let that kid just straight up titty fuck me!”

(image source = flynet)

Jessica Simpson might elope

By brendon March 29, 2011 @ 12:30 PM

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Though the real reason is probably so she won’t have to share the cake, Jessica Simpson says that after the media frenzy around her first marriage, she may elope this time with her fame whore boyfriend Eric Johnson. She tells Us magazine

“No date has been set. We’ve both been married before. We’re enjoying our commitment to each other. We want to take our time.”
“I will be part of designing my own wedding gown. We might elope if it gets to that point.”

I have no idea why she would follow a sentence about designing her dress with one about eloping but whatever. Maybe designing is just always on her mind. I heard she even designed extra big forks and spoons because the regular sized ones took too many trips to get all the food from the plate to her mouth and she would get winded. “What am I, at the gym”, she would say.

Jessica Simpson is a drunk

By brendon January 25, 2011 @ 12:25 PM

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Luckily, Jessica Simpsons fame whore fiance Eric Johnson played in the NFL, so he’s really strong and can pick her up when she gets drunk and collapses in a heap. Like she did last night at Katsuya (sushi restaurant) in Hollywood. At least I assume she collapsed in a heap. Because she’s doubled in size over the past year except for her legs which are still thin. I honestly have no idea how they’re holding her up. If she gains another 5 pounds she should probably move to the moon.

(image source = pacific coast)

Jessica Simpson is a fashion designer

By brendon January 04, 2011 @ 6:28 PM

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It would be remiss of me to not post the pictures of Jessica Simpsons sexy outfit that she wore in Aspen this week. I wonder what was caused more dicks to shrivel up; the bitter cold or the way her fat shapeless legs filled those tights.

Jessica Simpson is getting a prenup after all

By brendon December 08, 2010 @ 6:47 PM

SEMI-EXCLUSIVE: Jessica Simpson And Eric Johnson Arriving At LAX

Just yesterday it was reported that Jessica Simpson is worth 100 million dollars based on her clothing line alone, so maybe it’s not coincidence that today Us has a story saying there will very definitely be a prenup in place when she marries Eric Johnson.

Slamming a tabloid claim to the contrary, a source close to the engaged couple says that Johnson, 31, “is not a gold digger.”
Exhibit A, the source points out: “There will definitely be a prenup” for the pair.  “Jessica has said she wants one. Jessica and Eric have talked about it.”,
”[Eric] understands that there needs to be a prenup,” the insider explains. “He’s supportive of it.”
”He really loves her,” the source continues. “He’s a low key guy. He’s not into the glitz and materialism of Hollywood at all.”

Oh please. You have no idea what I go through to find pictures of her without that doofus in them. He clings to her day and night, especially on every red carpet. They’re practically conjoined, I bet if she were to masturbate, he would cum.