Jessica Simpson Does 50 Shades

By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 8:26 AM

Jessica Simpson Does 50 Shades Of Grey
Jessica Simpson homaging Fifty Shades of Grey is a reminder that nobody edits a chick worth $150 million. Not her unemployed husband, not her gay dad, not her sister who is either a double amputee or a twice shotgun married bride, I can’t recall. Simpson might benefit from somebody waving the slow down sign on ideas that come into her head between her carefully measured snacks. You give her lip service on Fifty Shades then push Theory of Everything. Talk about a sexy love story. What’s hotter than Jessica Simpson in a wheelchair drooling into her own tits. Light up the phones on HSN. Mama’s got some acai berry cleanser to move.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Jessica Simpson Transitioning

By Matt February 09, 2015 @ 7:02 AM


Jessica Simpson looks hot without makeup. Not in that Hottest Chick In The World sense from a few years back. More like I could totally see myself banging this softball mom if I helped clean up after the barbecue. This is totally fine. You can gaze up at that bottle of ’54 Mccallan from the corner seat at the bar and wonder if some day you’ll get a taste. Or you can order a Johnny Walker, sit back and enjoy. Bring on the frumpy draw strings and some glittery shirt you bought at Disneyland. Once you’re belly up it’s all the same. I think Simpson is purposefully procuring this image by posing with Walmart trash nobody cares about except past their prime chicks and dudes who have given up on excalibur. There’s a million things to be, you know that there are.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jessica Simpson Boobs Haven’t Shrunk

By Lex October 03, 2014 @ 11:51 AM

Jessica Simpsons Nipples Poke Through In NYC
Everybody is talking about how Jessica Simpson lost 472 pounds of baby weight and looks amazing. Less people have noticed the scientific marvel that her tits got even bigger in the process. I think more women would lose the last quarter ton if they knew they could keep or even exceed their previous bust size. It might have something to do with choosing the peas over the carrots in your particular Weight Watchers meal plan. Or implants. You don’t just become a bubbly blond worth $150 million without some decent decision making skills.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jessica Simpson Hair Extensions Almost Hide Her Tits

By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 6:47 AM

Jessica Simpson Low Cut Sweater At LAX
The ladies magazines are going whole hog over the sight of Jessica Simpson’s hair extensions visible after she got off a plane at LAX from New York. Fuck, when I get off a plane I look like one of those post WWII refuges trudging over the Rhine carrying a broken chair and a cardboard suitcase. If there’s any atrocity it’s that those Guangdong woven locks almost covered up Jessica’s tits spilling out of her top.

Simpson had been in New York talking to Matt Lauer about her body evolution. That means she wasn’t fat, then got really fat, now she’s not so fat anymore. Simpson admitted to Matt Lauer that comments about her being a fat fatty with a gay daddy in tight slacks hurt her because she’s a woman with both feelings and hormones. Simpson said she rose above her personal pain by thinking about all the women she could help learn to obsess over food and calories and weight so they could lose nine pounds and force their husband to find a different excuse for not wanting to touch them. Then Simpson took some selfies of her new body, squirted some breast milk on Matt Lauer’s scalp to make hair grow back, and announced that she was worth five million dollars more now than she was at the start of the interview. And you want to talk about her hair.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jessica Simpson Butters the Family Bread

By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 12:10 PM


It’s not easy living in Jessica Simpson’s shadow. She makes the billions selling shoddy consumer wares. She gets to cry when pastor dad says he prefers banging young male ass over vagina. Millions of women live and die with her bathroom scale readings. All Ashlee gets are her chances at failed D-list celebrity marriages. Now Jessica Simpson is taking that away too. Jessica set up a bridal shower for her little sister to celebrate her latest marriage, this time to Diana Ross’s son. Jessica arranged for a swimsuit theme so she could basically show off her freshly toned body and touched up tits in photos from the party where she pimped her Weight Watchers endorsements.  It seems rather crass. Until you realize everybody is counting on Jessica to fuel the family budget.

Being a gay cougar or looking frumpy and singing off-key does not a family fortune make. Expect to see Jessica’s selfies in a revealing negligee from Ashlee’s wedding and perhaps a naughty nurses outfit when the next baby is born. Jessica is carrying the Simpson family on her shoulders like Atlas with a semi-decent boob job. Heaven help her, she’s a good woman.

Photo credit: Jessica Simpson/Instagram

Jessica Simpson Is Not Fat Anymore

By Lex July 16, 2014 @ 10:22 AM

Jessica Simpson Instagram Photos
Jessica Simpson lost weight. I wouldn’t know except after five years of pregnancy pounds and violating her Weight Watchers don’t-get-fat contract stipulations, Jessica Simpson is showing off her new reduced calorie body in every medium known to 2014 mankind. Girls like to write supportive shit about each other when they’re losing weight. Naturally, they’re jealous and hateful and waiting for their friends to get super fat again so they can feel relatively less horrible. Just as men who compliment their buddies for getting a fine girlfriend are really thinking, I shall murder you in a shallow puddle and then take your woman for myself. People are an evil jealous bunch. Most animal species are far more communal and supportive. You can taste that when you dine on their flesh. Losers.

Photo Credit: Jessica Simpson/Instagram