By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 6:47 AM
The ladies magazines are going whole hog over the sight of Jessica Simpson’s hair extensions visible after she got off a plane at LAX from New York. Fuck, when I get off a plane I look like one of those post WWII refuges trudging over the Rhine carrying a broken chair and a cardboard suitcase. If there’s any atrocity it’s that those Guangdong woven locks almost covered up Jessica’s tits spilling out of her top.
Simpson had been in New York talking to Matt Lauer about her body evolution. That means she wasn’t fat, then got really fat, now she’s not so fat anymore. Simpson admitted to Matt Lauer that comments about her being a fat fatty with a gay daddy in tight slacks hurt her because she’s a woman with both feelings and hormones. Simpson said she rose above her personal pain by thinking about all the women she could help learn to obsess over food and calories and weight so they could lose nine pounds and force their husband to find a different excuse for not wanting to touch them. Then Simpson took some selfies of her new body, squirted some breast milk on Matt Lauer’s scalp to make hair grow back, and announced that she was worth five million dollars more now than she was at the start of the interview. And you want to talk about her hair.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
It’s not easy living in Jessica Simpson’s shadow. She makes the billions selling shoddy consumer wares. She gets to cry when pastor dad says he prefers banging young male ass over vagina. Millions of women live and die with her bathroom scale readings. All Ashlee gets are her chances at failed D-list celebrity marriages. Now Jessica Simpson is taking that away too. Jessica set up a bridal shower for her little sister to celebrate her latest marriage, this time to Diana Ross’s son. Jessica arranged for a swimsuit theme so she could basically show off her freshly toned body and touched up tits in photos from the party where she pimped her Weight Watchers endorsements. It seems rather crass. Until you realize everybody is counting on Jessica to fuel the family budget.
Being a gay cougar or looking frumpy and singing off-key does not a family fortune make. Expect to see Jessica’s selfies in a revealing negligee from Ashlee’s wedding and perhaps a naughty nurses outfit when the next baby is born. Jessica is carrying the Simpson family on her shoulders like Atlas with a semi-decent boob job. Heaven help her, she’s a good woman.
Photo credit: Jessica Simpson/Instagram
By Lex July 16, 2014 @ 10:22 AM
Jessica Simpson lost weight. I wouldn’t know except after five years of pregnancy pounds and violating her Weight Watchers don’t-get-fat contract stipulations, Jessica Simpson is showing off her new reduced calorie body in every medium known to 2014 mankind. Girls like to write supportive shit about each other when they’re losing weight. Naturally, they’re jealous and hateful and waiting for their friends to get super fat again so they can feel relatively less horrible. Just as men who compliment their buddies for getting a fine girlfriend are really thinking, I shall murder you in a shallow puddle and then take your woman for myself. People are an evil jealous bunch. Most animal species are far more communal and supportive. You can taste that when you dine on their flesh. Losers.
Photo Credit: Jessica Simpson/Instagram
By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 1:08 PM
Jessica Simpson lost weight by precisely measuring her meals and what appears to be some extremely vigorous calf lifts. Jesus just look at those Tour de France calves. Jessica is finally marrying the dude who played tight end in the NFL for a year before realizing being chubby and having sex with Jessica Simpson was forty-percent less likely to result in a concussion disorder. It’s also equally lucrative. He went to Yale. Those bastards are clever. Knock her up, lock her down, and get on to being the ‘marketing consultant’ for her billion dollar selling consumer products lines. I had the very same plan but only got as far as the chubby part.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
By Lex June 09, 2014 @ 1:37 PM
Weight Watchers really is the miracle solution to looking like one million fucking dollars. How those uncanny geniuses came up with the idea of losing weight by eating less, just like with Google, I think to myself, why didn’t I come up with that first? The only downside really is that those spiked choco-daiquiris you used to order when you pretended you were pregnant instead of just fat will really knock you for a loop when you’re back to a size 6. Seeing Jessica Simpson catatonic drunk and ordering Jack in the Box reminds me of the good old days when Jessica would be your girlfriend if you listened to her whine on and on about her cheating gay dad. Life is much simpler when you’re fat. You won’t see that factoid in any Weight Watchers literature.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Travis May 27, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Jessica Simpson deserves a lot of credit for all of the weight she’s lost in the time that she hasn’t been doing anything else, but we’ve reached the point of enough already. Of course we’ll continue to encourage her to try to look as sexy as she once did when she redefined cutoff jean shorts for an entire new generation of dumb blondes, but whatever is happening in these awkward Instagram photos of her with a golf club is not helping anyone. She looks awkward and confused, like if Courtney Stodden had an older sister who wasn’t as outgoing and psychotic, and if someone takes that driver away, she’ll fall over and shatter into a million stretch-marked pieces.