Jessica Simpson deserves a lot of credit for all of the weight she’s lost in the time that she hasn’t been doing anything else, but we’ve reached the point of enough already. Of course we’ll continue to encourage her to try to look as sexy as she once did when she redefined cutoff jean shorts for an entire new generation of dumb blondes, but whatever is happening in these awkward Instagram photos of her with a golf club is not helping anyone. She looks awkward and confused, like if Courtney Stodden had an older sister who wasn’t as outgoing and psychotic, and if someone takes that driver away, she’ll fall over and shatter into a million stretch-marked pieces.
If you offered to pay me several million dollars or maybe just a blowjob from Christy Mack to tell you what Jessica Simpson does for a living these days, I’d guess that she was a professional Weight Watchers endorser, because she doesn’t seem to be an actress or singer anymore. But what better way to keep driving home the point to so many people who seriously don’t give a fat rat’s ass how much weight you’ve lost than by wearing such a beautiful serapi poncho that hides all of your success? I know, I’m being tough on Jessica for no reason, but when the image of her shaking her tits and ass on the General Lee has been stuck in my head for so many years, I hope for a little more Daisy Duke and a lot less of… this.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
Jessica Simpson is finally living up to her multi-million dollar Weight Watchers endorsement deal. She had signed a fat contract to lose weight on the program a while back but she suffered from the small problem of being fat, then pregnant and fat, then just fat, and just when Weight Watchers was set to run a brand new campaign on January 1, 2013, pregnant and fat again. Bad luck really. At least, everybody felt that way watching her boyfriend truck around town to grab Jessica ten-thousand kilocalories of daily takeout food to stuff down her hungry maw. Now, Jessica is finally slimming down by consuming lots of Weight Watchers fake lasagna meals and showing off her new figure to the public. She went on GMA in a dress she hasn’t worn since she found her dad wearing it back in 2009. She looked great. Even Robin Roberts stopped talking about her lesbian girlfriend for a minute to note Jessica’s dramatic weight loss. Nobody on the show bothered to note that as the weight loss industry in this country has boomed, people have only become fatter and fatter. Maybe that tidbit will be on tomorrow’s show.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Splash
A lot of people are patting Jessica Simpson on the back for Tweeting this picture from her “date night” last night, because she’s apparently not wearing makeup, and that’s good enough to get a girl the Purple Heart these days. I don’t see what the big deal is, though, because she looks like she’s got a bad case of the meat sweats or she’s choking on a handful of Sour Patch Kids. Either way, her husband was probably thinking that it wouldn’t kill her to go freshen up in the bathroom, before he looked down at the pictures of Jessica from Dukes of Hazzard that he keeps on his phone.
At one point in this nation’s great history, women didn’t get much hotter than Jessica Simpson, as she shook her ass and squeezed her tits together to make us forget that Dukes of Hazzard was a poisoned queef of a movie. But then she decided that she wanted to do the whole family thing so she quit acting and making music, and along with her career in entertainment went her ridiculous body that even her own father couldn’t help talking about. Jessica was back in action last night, though, as she attended the Footwear News Achievement Awards (that’s a real thing, I swear to God) and even though she looked about as comfortable as Obama at an NRA rally, you’ve got to give Jessica credit for trying to recapture her long lost glory.
Photo Credits: Getty
Jessica Simpson got pregnant six hours after she gave birth to her first illegitimate kid as a backup plan to having to go on a diet. Weight Watchers is hard. Fucking is easy. Jessica is well getting back up to gestational playing weight. She’ll never be Daisy Duke again. But isn’t the miracle of child-birth worth the loss of hot bodied woman? I don’t think so either.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, PCN