By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 1:08 PM
Jessica Simpson lost weight by precisely measuring her meals and what appears to be some extremely vigorous calf lifts. Jesus just look at those Tour de France calves. Jessica is finally marrying the dude who played tight end in the NFL for a year before realizing being chubby and having sex with Jessica Simpson was forty-percent less likely to result in a concussion disorder. It’s also equally lucrative. He went to Yale. Those bastards are clever. Knock her up, lock her down, and get on to being the ‘marketing consultant’ for her billion dollar selling consumer products lines. I had the very same plan but only got as far as the chubby part.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
By Lex June 09, 2014 @ 1:37 PM
Weight Watchers really is the miracle solution to looking like one million fucking dollars. How those uncanny geniuses came up with the idea of losing weight by eating less, just like with Google, I think to myself, why didn’t I come up with that first? The only downside really is that those spiked choco-daiquiris you used to order when you pretended you were pregnant instead of just fat will really knock you for a loop when you’re back to a size 6. Seeing Jessica Simpson catatonic drunk and ordering Jack in the Box reminds me of the good old days when Jessica would be your girlfriend if you listened to her whine on and on about her cheating gay dad. Life is much simpler when you’re fat. You won’t see that factoid in any Weight Watchers literature.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Travis May 27, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Jessica Simpson deserves a lot of credit for all of the weight she’s lost in the time that she hasn’t been doing anything else, but we’ve reached the point of enough already. Of course we’ll continue to encourage her to try to look as sexy as she once did when she redefined cutoff jean shorts for an entire new generation of dumb blondes, but whatever is happening in these awkward Instagram photos of her with a golf club is not helping anyone. She looks awkward and confused, like if Courtney Stodden had an older sister who wasn’t as outgoing and psychotic, and if someone takes that driver away, she’ll fall over and shatter into a million stretch-marked pieces.
By Travis January 31, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
If you offered to pay me several million dollars or maybe just a blowjob from Christy Mack to tell you what Jessica Simpson does for a living these days, I’d guess that she was a professional Weight Watchers endorser, because she doesn’t seem to be an actress or singer anymore. But what better way to keep driving home the point to so many people who seriously don’t give a fat rat’s ass how much weight you’ve lost than by wearing such a beautiful serapi poncho that hides all of your success? I know, I’m being tough on Jessica for no reason, but when the image of her shaking her tits and ass on the General Lee has been stuck in my head for so many years, I hope for a little more Daisy Duke and a lot less of… this.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Lex January 08, 2014 @ 3:00 PM
Jessica Simpson is finally living up to her multi-million dollar Weight Watchers endorsement deal. She had signed a fat contract to lose weight on the program a while back but she suffered from the small problem of being fat, then pregnant and fat, then just fat, and just when Weight Watchers was set to run a brand new campaign on January 1, 2013, pregnant and fat again. Bad luck really. At least, everybody felt that way watching her boyfriend truck around town to grab Jessica ten-thousand kilocalories of daily takeout food to stuff down her hungry maw. Now, Jessica is finally slimming down by consuming lots of Weight Watchers fake lasagna meals and showing off her new figure to the public. She went on GMA in a dress she hasn’t worn since she found her dad wearing it back in 2009. She looked great. Even Robin Roberts stopped talking about her lesbian girlfriend for a minute to note Jessica’s dramatic weight loss. Nobody on the show bothered to note that as the weight loss industry in this country has boomed, people have only become fatter and fatter. Maybe that tidbit will be on tomorrow’s show.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Splash
By Travis December 16, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
A lot of people are patting Jessica Simpson on the back for Tweeting this picture from her “date night” last night, because she’s apparently not wearing makeup, and that’s good enough to get a girl the Purple Heart these days. I don’t see what the big deal is, though, because she looks like she’s got a bad case of the meat sweats or she’s choking on a handful of Sour Patch Kids. Either way, her husband was probably thinking that it wouldn’t kill her to go freshen up in the bathroom, before he looked down at the pictures of Jessica from Dukes of Hazzard that he keeps on his phone.