EVA LONGORIA IS A DAMN MIDGET

By brendon March 16, 2007 @ 3:02 PM

Please believe me when I tell you that you have 50 chicks in your office right now better looking that some of Hollywood's famous stars.  Marcia Cross looks like she'd burst into flames right this second if the sun came out.  She'd certainly crumble to dust if you poked her.  Thanks to that smart ass judge with the God complex and the sensitivity classes that followed my "incident", I know that Eva Longoria isn't technically a gnome, but unless that car is three stories tall, I'm still pretty sure I could carry her around in my pocket.  Don't get me wrong, short chicks are fuckin hot, it's just weird you see some of these chicks and there's something like a car in the picture to give perspective.  Like Jessica Simpson here.  Or Christina Aguilera here.  Can Jessica even reach the peddles on a human sized car. Or do her adorable little feet just sexily dangle over the edge of the seat, her hard smooth legs flexing and stretching, erotically kicking for the brake and she hotly rams into a tree.

Um, okay I'm not really sure where I was going with that.



JESSICA SIMPSON WANTS A BABY

By brendon March 14, 2007 @ 9:55 AM

I'm almost positive this is an old story, but the New York Post says today that Jessica Simpson is thinking more and more about starting a family.  And, unlike some Hollywood whores who do it just for attention, at least Jessica has a good reason.  According to the Post:

(Jessica) says what's getting her ready for motherhood are her dogs. They're putting her into the maternal caregiving mode. Gorgeous Jessica, who'd have no trouble with volunteers to make a baby in the old-fashioned way, says she'll first adopt. So look for another designer kid to come down the pike.

There's no way anyone is gonna give Jessica Simpson a baby, right?  A human baby, I mean.  Jessica Simpson shouldn't be trusted with a cell phone, much less a human being.  Why not just put the baby in a cannon and spin the cannon around and then just randomly shoot the baby somewhere.  At least give the baby a chance.  There just seems to be a very good chance that Jessica will end up using the baby to hold open doors or as the base for a ramp.  In 6 months she'll forget she ever even had a baby and end up calling the cops because "I think someone’s in the house."


JESSICA IS NICE. WELL NOT REALLY

By brendon February 22, 2007 @ 11:43 AM

Jessica Simpson gave a brand new 8-passenger van to an orphanage in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.  People.com says:

"Last week, someone asked Mama Lupita (the woman who runs the orphanage) if she could use a van … Mama Lupita said, 'We have no transportation at all. Of course we could use it.' So then she was told that she was getting a brand new eight-passenger van from Jessica Simpson for the orphanage."  Adds the source: "She started to cry for three minutes straight and then said, 'I can't wait to give Jessica a big hug.' "

Aww, how sweet!!!  That must have cost Jessica a fortune.  Oh hey, no, it didn't:

…Simpson, 26, had won a Chrysler Crossfire sports car at a swag suite at the MTV's Video Music Awards in the fall, but she asked Chrysler to exchange it for a minivan so she could help out the orphanage, the source says.  A spokesperson for Chrysler confirms: "Instead of the Chrysler Crossfire, she decided to get a minivan for the orphanage instead. She went for the Chrysler Town & Country."

That shit is gonna be hot.  The worlds first Town and Country dropped with lexan rims and an air-brushed Virgin Mary on the side.  Maybe after that Jessica can give away some other stuff shes not using, like a book or dignity.



JESSICA SIMPSON IS DEEP

By brendon February 06, 2007 @ 1:37 PM

Jessica Simpson says she made that decision to divorce husband Nick Lachey after watching the movie "The Notebook" on a plane ride home to Texas.  "The Notebook", apparently, tells the story of, "Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams as star-crossed lovers". Jessica says:

"I just figured out the statement.  It was about that moment of desperation. I needed to breathe."

The world would be so much more fun if I were like Jessica Simpson and thought all TV and movies were speaking directly to me and offering advice.   The real world is filled with stories about Canada refusing trade pacts, where as Jessica's world is filled with dancing peanuts in top hats.  Real world = stem cell controversy.  Jessica's world = big dogs who solve mysteries.  Weeee!!!!

(why is she dressed like this and doing that thing with her mouth?  easy.  she's dumb.  ta-da!)

STUFF FROM ALL OVER

By brendon February 02, 2007 @ 12:08 PM

PATRICK DEMPSEY HAS TWINS – Patrick Dempsey and his wife Jillian Dempsey are the proud new parents of twin baby boys.  The boys were born yesterday in Los Angeles with no complications.  Their names are Sullivan Patrick and Darby Galen.   Aww how precious.  No, not really.  Seriously, what are the odds boys named Sullivan and Darby will be able to throw a football without looking like total queers.  "Eeehhhhh…"  That was my impression of Darby Galen throwing a football.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE IS SINGLE – Johnny Knoxville and his wife Melanie are getting divorced.  They have been married for 11 years and have one daughter, 10 year old Madison.   Back in April of 2005, the hot rumor was that Knoxville had an affair with Jessica Simpson during the filming of "the Dukes of Hazard".  Which is pretty much why dudes like Knoxville come to Hollywood.  He should be back in Tennessee wearin a coon skin cap and working as a security professional, but instead he's punchin obsession worthy kitty based on a career where he gets whacked in the nuts by a midget in a tiny cowboy outfit.

LINDSAY LOHAN IS JOBLESS -  Reps for Lindsay Lohan claim that she has stepped away from a role in "A Woman of No Importance" because her plan is to finish her current project and then focus on her sobriety.  Word around town however, is that the producers fired her because of her increasingly bratty behavior.  Who's telling the truth?  Who is lying?  Could even the council of heaven sort through this one? I don't know, my friends. I simply don't know.

BLIND ITEMS ARE FUN - And finally, the best blind item of the past week, this one from the Daily Mirror UK: "Which American star's new relationship is a complete sham? The buxom babe has agreed – for a fee – to be seen out and about with her latest beau in a bid to quash persistent rumors about his sexuality."  Sounds a lot like Mayer and Simpson, but if Mayer is gay, it's news to me.  Gay guys don't normally dress like they got their clothes off a scarecrow.

(jessica's outfit reminds me of a great line from Colin Quinn: "you look like a last-second gift from the Hong Kong airport gift shop.")



JESSICA SIMPSON NEEDS HELP, BRA

By brendon January 24, 2007 @ 9:28 AM

Normally to say I’m disappointed in seeing this much of Jessica Simpson’s boobs would be like a bear saying he’s disappointed that you gave him a pot of honey, but god this girl needs a lift quick.  She said once that she planned on getting plastic surgery if her chest ever started to sag, so I’m assuming that means by this afternoon.  Is her bathroom in outer space or some other zero-gravity environment?  How does she not see this?  Fucking Jessica would be like having a basset hound climb on top of you.  If you’re rich and famous and rich you owe it to me – me personally – to get alarmingly huge implants and only eat cigarettes and black coffee until you're creepy skinny. I’ll write a bitchy piece of shit about you then too, but at least I’ll be masturbating while I do it.