JESSICA IS A PUSSYCAT DOLL?

By brendon April 18, 2007 @ 9:20 AM

Us magazine says that Jessica Simpson will host a special performance by the Pussycat Dolls at their lounge inside of PURE nightclub in Las Vegas.  Presumably, this means Jess will wear traditional Pussycat gear, including tight leather and fishnets, like previous hosts Eva Longoria, Denise Richards, Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson have.  Us says:

Sex-crazed men of the world rejoice: Jessica Simpson is getting back to her cleavage-baring ways … Simpson will don her naughty-wear May 4 when she plays host to a special performance by the Pussycat Dolls at the scantily-clad group's themed lounge at PURE nightclub in Las Vegas. "This is a chance for her to be sexy again and back in the spotlight," a club source tells us.

Jessica doesn’t even look that great lately, but she’s still eleventy billion times hotter than the Pussycat Dolls, so they really might wanna reconsider.  These little shows are sort of like a competition to see who can be the sexiest, and these trannies keep inviting chicks way way hotter than they are.  It's like if an army of monkeys took on the regular army. No matter what cute tricks the monkey army can do, like riding a skateboard and clapping, the regular army can do that too. Plus they have enormous guns. And looking cute in a suit and fedora isn't gonna make you any less likely to explode when the bullets hit you. So, to recap, the Pussycat Dolls are exactly like an army of monkeys.  Thank you.


JESSICA SIMPSON IS STACKED

By brendon April 17, 2007 @ 6:51 PM

I appreciate Jessica Simpson wearing low cut tops like she used to and showing off her giant rack and even a hint of nipple, and because of that I'm willing to overlook the fact that she otherwise looks like hell.  Well, that and because I'm a great guy, and looks don't matter to me.  Unless of course you're unattractive or overweight, in which case looks matter a great deal.  And tough if you don't like it you fat ugly bitch.



JESSICA SIMPSON IS FREAKY

By brendon April 03, 2007 @ 3:08 PM

Ever heard of More magazine?  Yeah, me neither.  But they say Jessica Simpson and John Mayer spent last week in Rome and while they were staying at the extra fancy Hotel de Russie, they shocked other hotel guests with their loud sex sessions.  Sources say:

…when Jessica and John were in the city they were said to be disturbing the peace. One source reveals, "Jessica and John got back fairly early and stayed in all night. But by the sounds of it, they didn't get to sleep for a long time. This woman was saying she couldn't believe Jessica was getting it on so loudly in the room next door."

It was probably him squealing with delight.  I know I would.  Besides, does this dude really look like he can make a girl finish in bed.   He could learn a thing or two from a hunk like me.  Girls always come when I'm inside.  And I don't even mean inside of them, I just mean inside the room. Oh yes, I'm that good.

EVA LONGORIA IS A DAMN MIDGET

By brendon March 16, 2007 @ 3:02 PM

Please believe me when I tell you that you have 50 chicks in your office right now better looking that some of Hollywood's famous stars.  Marcia Cross looks like she'd burst into flames right this second if the sun came out.  She'd certainly crumble to dust if you poked her.  Thanks to that smart ass judge with the God complex and the sensitivity classes that followed my "incident", I know that Eva Longoria isn't technically a gnome, but unless that car is three stories tall, I'm still pretty sure I could carry her around in my pocket.  Don't get me wrong, short chicks are fuckin hot, it's just weird you see some of these chicks and there's something like a car in the picture to give perspective.  Like Jessica Simpson here.  Or Christina Aguilera here.  Can Jessica even reach the peddles on a human sized car. Or do her adorable little feet just sexily dangle over the edge of the seat, her hard smooth legs flexing and stretching, erotically kicking for the brake and she hotly rams into a tree.

Um, okay I'm not really sure where I was going with that.



JESSICA SIMPSON WANTS A BABY

By brendon March 14, 2007 @ 9:55 AM

I'm almost positive this is an old story, but the New York Post says today that Jessica Simpson is thinking more and more about starting a family.  And, unlike some Hollywood whores who do it just for attention, at least Jessica has a good reason.  According to the Post:

(Jessica) says what's getting her ready for motherhood are her dogs. They're putting her into the maternal caregiving mode. Gorgeous Jessica, who'd have no trouble with volunteers to make a baby in the old-fashioned way, says she'll first adopt. So look for another designer kid to come down the pike.

There's no way anyone is gonna give Jessica Simpson a baby, right?  A human baby, I mean.  Jessica Simpson shouldn't be trusted with a cell phone, much less a human being.  Why not just put the baby in a cannon and spin the cannon around and then just randomly shoot the baby somewhere.  At least give the baby a chance.  There just seems to be a very good chance that Jessica will end up using the baby to hold open doors or as the base for a ramp.  In 6 months she'll forget she ever even had a baby and end up calling the cops because "I think someone’s in the house."


JESSICA IS NICE. WELL NOT REALLY

By brendon February 22, 2007 @ 11:43 AM

Jessica Simpson gave a brand new 8-passenger van to an orphanage in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.  People.com says:

"Last week, someone asked Mama Lupita (the woman who runs the orphanage) if she could use a van … Mama Lupita said, 'We have no transportation at all. Of course we could use it.' So then she was told that she was getting a brand new eight-passenger van from Jessica Simpson for the orphanage."  Adds the source: "She started to cry for three minutes straight and then said, 'I can't wait to give Jessica a big hug.' "

Aww, how sweet!!!  That must have cost Jessica a fortune.  Oh hey, no, it didn't:

…Simpson, 26, had won a Chrysler Crossfire sports car at a swag suite at the MTV's Video Music Awards in the fall, but she asked Chrysler to exchange it for a minivan so she could help out the orphanage, the source says.  A spokesperson for Chrysler confirms: "Instead of the Chrysler Crossfire, she decided to get a minivan for the orphanage instead. She went for the Chrysler Town & Country."

That shit is gonna be hot.  The worlds first Town and Country dropped with lexan rims and an air-brushed Virgin Mary on the side.  Maybe after that Jessica can give away some other stuff shes not using, like a book or dignity.