By brendon May 10, 2007 @ 4:34 PM

There’s a billion things to hate about this incredibly amateurish looking movie, and I'll let you decide on your favorite, but for me it's a tie between the fact that Luke Wilson has sunk from "Bottle Rocket" to this and the fact that the tag line is:

Sometimes you don't have to chase a dream, to fall in love.

I dare you to figure out what the fuck that's supposed to mean. Are they saying not to chase my dreams? So, what, sit here on the couch and watch tivo about Hitler and sorority girl car washes. Is that what I should do? I hope it is, because that's what I was planning on doing anyway.


By brendon April 25, 2007 @ 10:36 AM

After the horrific events last week when student/nerd Cho Seung-Hui shot and killed 32 people on the campus of Virginia Tech, it was reveled that the English department had raised questions about his sanity as they read paper after paper of his containing images of persecution, revenge and anger, months before he eventually snapped.  Entertainment Weekly asked author Stephen King, something of an expert on images of violence, if he believes there is a link between literary expression and action.  Among other things, King says:

For most creative people, the imagination serves as an excretory channel for violence: We visualize what we will never actually do (James Patterson, for instance, a nice man who has all too often worked the street that my old friend George used to work). Cho doesn't strike me as in the least creative, however. Dude was crazy. Dude was, in the memorable phrasing of Nikki Giovanni, ''just mean.'' Essentially there's no story here, except for a paranoid asshole who went DEFCON-1. He may have been inspired by Columbine, but only because he was too dim to think up such a scenario on his own.
On the whole, I don't think you can pick these guys out based on their work, unless you look for violence unenlivened by any real talent.

You can read the whole thing here and you should because its really short and really awesome.  Cho was a rambling fuckin loser.  He managed to be boring even in a tape where he was pointing guns at the camera and threatening to kill himself.  That’s almost impossible to make dull but he found a way.  And it wasn’t even normal boring, it was aggressively boring.  I hated him for being so boring, I wanted to just go kick him in the nuts so at least then he would roll around saying oh my nuts or something.  Jesus dude, no wonder nobody like you, ya fuckin loser. 

(after careful consideration, I felt the best way to illustrate this sensitive topic was with an old picture showing Jessica Simpson tanning with her legs apart.  Click here for big.)


By brendon April 18, 2007 @ 9:20 AM

Us magazine says that Jessica Simpson will host a special performance by the Pussycat Dolls at their lounge inside of PURE nightclub in Las Vegas.  Presumably, this means Jess will wear traditional Pussycat gear, including tight leather and fishnets, like previous hosts Eva Longoria, Denise Richards, Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson have.  Us says:

Sex-crazed men of the world rejoice: Jessica Simpson is getting back to her cleavage-baring ways … Simpson will don her naughty-wear May 4 when she plays host to a special performance by the Pussycat Dolls at the scantily-clad group's themed lounge at PURE nightclub in Las Vegas. "This is a chance for her to be sexy again and back in the spotlight," a club source tells us.

Jessica doesn’t even look that great lately, but she’s still eleventy billion times hotter than the Pussycat Dolls, so they really might wanna reconsider.  These little shows are sort of like a competition to see who can be the sexiest, and these trannies keep inviting chicks way way hotter than they are.  It's like if an army of monkeys took on the regular army. No matter what cute tricks the monkey army can do, like riding a skateboard and clapping, the regular army can do that too. Plus they have enormous guns. And looking cute in a suit and fedora isn't gonna make you any less likely to explode when the bullets hit you. So, to recap, the Pussycat Dolls are exactly like an army of monkeys.  Thank you.


By brendon April 17, 2007 @ 6:51 PM

I appreciate Jessica Simpson wearing low cut tops like she used to and showing off her giant rack and even a hint of nipple, and because of that I'm willing to overlook the fact that she otherwise looks like hell.  Well, that and because I'm a great guy, and looks don't matter to me.  Unless of course you're unattractive or overweight, in which case looks matter a great deal.  And tough if you don't like it you fat ugly bitch.


By brendon April 03, 2007 @ 3:08 PM

Ever heard of More magazine?  Yeah, me neither.  But they say Jessica Simpson and John Mayer spent last week in Rome and while they were staying at the extra fancy Hotel de Russie, they shocked other hotel guests with their loud sex sessions.  Sources say:

…when Jessica and John were in the city they were said to be disturbing the peace. One source reveals, "Jessica and John got back fairly early and stayed in all night. But by the sounds of it, they didn't get to sleep for a long time. This woman was saying she couldn't believe Jessica was getting it on so loudly in the room next door."

It was probably him squealing with delight.  I know I would.  Besides, does this dude really look like he can make a girl finish in bed.   He could learn a thing or two from a hunk like me.  Girls always come when I'm inside.  And I don't even mean inside of them, I just mean inside the room. Oh yes, I'm that good.


By brendon March 16, 2007 @ 3:02 PM

Please believe me when I tell you that you have 50 chicks in your office right now better looking that some of Hollywood's famous stars.  Marcia Cross looks like she'd burst into flames right this second if the sun came out.  She'd certainly crumble to dust if you poked her.  Thanks to that smart ass judge with the God complex and the sensitivity classes that followed my "incident", I know that Eva Longoria isn't technically a gnome, but unless that car is three stories tall, I'm still pretty sure I could carry her around in my pocket.  Don't get me wrong, short chicks are fuckin hot, it's just weird you see some of these chicks and there's something like a car in the picture to give perspective.  Like Jessica Simpson here.  Or Christina Aguilera here.  Can Jessica even reach the peddles on a human sized car. Or do her adorable little feet just sexily dangle over the edge of the seat, her hard smooth legs flexing and stretching, erotically kicking for the brake and she hotly rams into a tree.

Um, okay I'm not really sure where I was going with that.