By brendon April 17, 2007 @ 6:51 PM

I appreciate Jessica Simpson wearing low cut tops like she used to and showing off her giant rack and even a hint of nipple, and because of that I'm willing to overlook the fact that she otherwise looks like hell.  Well, that and because I'm a great guy, and looks don't matter to me.  Unless of course you're unattractive or overweight, in which case looks matter a great deal.  And tough if you don't like it you fat ugly bitch.


By brendon April 03, 2007 @ 3:08 PM

Ever heard of More magazine?  Yeah, me neither.  But they say Jessica Simpson and John Mayer spent last week in Rome and while they were staying at the extra fancy Hotel de Russie, they shocked other hotel guests with their loud sex sessions.  Sources say:

…when Jessica and John were in the city they were said to be disturbing the peace. One source reveals, "Jessica and John got back fairly early and stayed in all night. But by the sounds of it, they didn't get to sleep for a long time. This woman was saying she couldn't believe Jessica was getting it on so loudly in the room next door."

It was probably him squealing with delight.  I know I would.  Besides, does this dude really look like he can make a girl finish in bed.   He could learn a thing or two from a hunk like me.  Girls always come when I'm inside.  And I don't even mean inside of them, I just mean inside the room. Oh yes, I'm that good.


By brendon March 16, 2007 @ 3:02 PM

Please believe me when I tell you that you have 50 chicks in your office right now better looking that some of Hollywood's famous stars.  Marcia Cross looks like she'd burst into flames right this second if the sun came out.  She'd certainly crumble to dust if you poked her.  Thanks to that smart ass judge with the God complex and the sensitivity classes that followed my "incident", I know that Eva Longoria isn't technically a gnome, but unless that car is three stories tall, I'm still pretty sure I could carry her around in my pocket.  Don't get me wrong, short chicks are fuckin hot, it's just weird you see some of these chicks and there's something like a car in the picture to give perspective.  Like Jessica Simpson here.  Or Christina Aguilera here.  Can Jessica even reach the peddles on a human sized car. Or do her adorable little feet just sexily dangle over the edge of the seat, her hard smooth legs flexing and stretching, erotically kicking for the brake and she hotly rams into a tree.

Um, okay I'm not really sure where I was going with that.


By brendon March 14, 2007 @ 9:55 AM

I'm almost positive this is an old story, but the New York Post says today that Jessica Simpson is thinking more and more about starting a family.  And, unlike some Hollywood whores who do it just for attention, at least Jessica has a good reason.  According to the Post:

(Jessica) says what's getting her ready for motherhood are her dogs. They're putting her into the maternal caregiving mode. Gorgeous Jessica, who'd have no trouble with volunteers to make a baby in the old-fashioned way, says she'll first adopt. So look for another designer kid to come down the pike.

There's no way anyone is gonna give Jessica Simpson a baby, right?  A human baby, I mean.  Jessica Simpson shouldn't be trusted with a cell phone, much less a human being.  Why not just put the baby in a cannon and spin the cannon around and then just randomly shoot the baby somewhere.  At least give the baby a chance.  There just seems to be a very good chance that Jessica will end up using the baby to hold open doors or as the base for a ramp.  In 6 months she'll forget she ever even had a baby and end up calling the cops because "I think someone’s in the house."


By brendon February 22, 2007 @ 11:43 AM

Jessica Simpson gave a brand new 8-passenger van to an orphanage in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. says:

"Last week, someone asked Mama Lupita (the woman who runs the orphanage) if she could use a van … Mama Lupita said, 'We have no transportation at all. Of course we could use it.' So then she was told that she was getting a brand new eight-passenger van from Jessica Simpson for the orphanage."  Adds the source: "She started to cry for three minutes straight and then said, 'I can't wait to give Jessica a big hug.' "

Aww, how sweet!!!  That must have cost Jessica a fortune.  Oh hey, no, it didn't:

…Simpson, 26, had won a Chrysler Crossfire sports car at a swag suite at the MTV's Video Music Awards in the fall, but she asked Chrysler to exchange it for a minivan so she could help out the orphanage, the source says.  A spokesperson for Chrysler confirms: "Instead of the Chrysler Crossfire, she decided to get a minivan for the orphanage instead. She went for the Chrysler Town & Country."

That shit is gonna be hot.  The worlds first Town and Country dropped with lexan rims and an air-brushed Virgin Mary on the side.  Maybe after that Jessica can give away some other stuff shes not using, like a book or dignity.


By brendon February 06, 2007 @ 1:37 PM

Jessica Simpson says she made that decision to divorce husband Nick Lachey after watching the movie "The Notebook" on a plane ride home to Texas.  "The Notebook", apparently, tells the story of, "Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams as star-crossed lovers". Jessica says:

"I just figured out the statement.  It was about that moment of desperation. I needed to breathe."

The world would be so much more fun if I were like Jessica Simpson and thought all TV and movies were speaking directly to me and offering advice.   The real world is filled with stories about Canada refusing trade pacts, where as Jessica's world is filled with dancing peanuts in top hats.  Real world = stem cell controversy.  Jessica's world = big dogs who solve mysteries.  Weeee!!!!

(why is she dressed like this and doing that thing with her mouth?  easy.  she's dumb.  ta-da!)