JESSICA SIMPSON AND JOHN MAYER, PART 2

By brendon May 22, 2007 @ 10:16 AM

The on-again, off-again relationship between Jessica Simpson and John Mayer seems to be on again, just days after what some claimed was a break-up but what others said was just the normal cycle of this relationship. People.com says: 

"They saw each other last night. I have no idea what will happen with them tomorrow," says one source. "I don't think they're sure. All I know is that they like each other and saw each other. Everyone's waiting to see what's going to happen."
A source close to Simpson chalks up the couple's recent break to the usual romantic ups and downs.
"They're in a normal relationship," says the source. "This happens with relationships sometimes."
Adds the source: "They went on a date last night. They had a great time. They had dinner."

Everyone says these two are boring because they don't really do anything super dramatic and appear to have a very very normal relationship. They also say I'm boring because I don't have any friends. Well, then my cell phone bill comes, and it turns out I've got 280 minutes rolling over into next month. For free! Who's laughing now!!! 

JESSICA SIMPSON IS SINGLE

By brendon May 18, 2007 @ 12:36 PM

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer have broken up after dating off but mostly on for the past 6 months.  People says:

"They have broken up," says the source. "But they have broken up and gotten back together at least ten times before."
According to the source, the pair are in constant contact – even as Simpson promotes her new film Major Movie Star at the Cannes Film Festival in France. "They talk to each other at least six times a day. I don't know if this breakup is permanent, but for right now they are broken up."
Another source who knows the couple confirms to PEOPLE that pair have split. "She's kind and sweet and he's a terrific guy, but it's safe to say it has run its course."

The article just kind of went on and on like that but Jessica looks like absolute hell these days so I don't care and I got bored halfway through, so I then attempted to answer the question that has haunted man since the dawn of time: can I flick a chocolate raisin off my desk and hit my girlfriends cat.  Stay tuned for the shocking results. 

TRIUMPHANT UPDATE – bam! 

(remember this Jessica?  wasnt that great?)



MAYBE THE WORST THING EVER

By brendon May 10, 2007 @ 4:34 PM

There’s a billion things to hate about this incredibly amateurish looking movie, and I'll let you decide on your favorite, but for me it's a tie between the fact that Luke Wilson has sunk from "Bottle Rocket" to this and the fact that the tag line is:

Sometimes you don't have to chase a dream, to fall in love.

I dare you to figure out what the fuck that's supposed to mean. Are they saying not to chase my dreams? So, what, sit here on the couch and watch tivo about Hitler and sorority girl car washes. Is that what I should do? I hope it is, because that's what I was planning on doing anyway.



STEPHEN KING SAYS CHO WAS AN ASSHOLE

By brendon April 25, 2007 @ 10:36 AM

After the horrific events last week when student/nerd Cho Seung-Hui shot and killed 32 people on the campus of Virginia Tech, it was reveled that the English department had raised questions about his sanity as they read paper after paper of his containing images of persecution, revenge and anger, months before he eventually snapped.  Entertainment Weekly asked author Stephen King, something of an expert on images of violence, if he believes there is a link between literary expression and action.  Among other things, King says:

For most creative people, the imagination serves as an excretory channel for violence: We visualize what we will never actually do (James Patterson, for instance, a nice man who has all too often worked the street that my old friend George used to work). Cho doesn't strike me as in the least creative, however. Dude was crazy. Dude was, in the memorable phrasing of Nikki Giovanni, ''just mean.'' Essentially there's no story here, except for a paranoid asshole who went DEFCON-1. He may have been inspired by Columbine, but only because he was too dim to think up such a scenario on his own.
On the whole, I don't think you can pick these guys out based on their work, unless you look for violence unenlivened by any real talent.

You can read the whole thing here and you should because its really short and really awesome.  Cho was a rambling fuckin loser.  He managed to be boring even in a tape where he was pointing guns at the camera and threatening to kill himself.  That’s almost impossible to make dull but he found a way.  And it wasn’t even normal boring, it was aggressively boring.  I hated him for being so boring, I wanted to just go kick him in the nuts so at least then he would roll around saying oh my nuts or something.  Jesus dude, no wonder nobody like you, ya fuckin loser. 

(after careful consideration, I felt the best way to illustrate this sensitive topic was with an old picture showing Jessica Simpson tanning with her legs apart.  Click here for big.)



JESSICA IS A PUSSYCAT DOLL?

By brendon April 18, 2007 @ 9:20 AM

Us magazine says that Jessica Simpson will host a special performance by the Pussycat Dolls at their lounge inside of PURE nightclub in Las Vegas.  Presumably, this means Jess will wear traditional Pussycat gear, including tight leather and fishnets, like previous hosts Eva Longoria, Denise Richards, Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson have.  Us says:

Sex-crazed men of the world rejoice: Jessica Simpson is getting back to her cleavage-baring ways … Simpson will don her naughty-wear May 4 when she plays host to a special performance by the Pussycat Dolls at the scantily-clad group's themed lounge at PURE nightclub in Las Vegas. "This is a chance for her to be sexy again and back in the spotlight," a club source tells us.

Jessica doesn’t even look that great lately, but she’s still eleventy billion times hotter than the Pussycat Dolls, so they really might wanna reconsider.  These little shows are sort of like a competition to see who can be the sexiest, and these trannies keep inviting chicks way way hotter than they are.  It's like if an army of monkeys took on the regular army. No matter what cute tricks the monkey army can do, like riding a skateboard and clapping, the regular army can do that too. Plus they have enormous guns. And looking cute in a suit and fedora isn't gonna make you any less likely to explode when the bullets hit you. So, to recap, the Pussycat Dolls are exactly like an army of monkeys.  Thank you.


JESSICA SIMPSON IS STACKED

By brendon April 17, 2007 @ 6:51 PM

I appreciate Jessica Simpson wearing low cut tops like she used to and showing off her giant rack and even a hint of nipple, and because of that I'm willing to overlook the fact that she otherwise looks like hell.  Well, that and because I'm a great guy, and looks don't matter to me.  Unless of course you're unattractive or overweight, in which case looks matter a great deal.  And tough if you don't like it you fat ugly bitch.