JESSICA SIMPSON IS MISTAKEN

By brendon October 10, 2006 @ 9:15 AM

Jessica Simpson said last week on the Jimmy Kimmel show that her next project is a movie with Luke Wilson called "Blond Ambition" and says she's already bracing herself for the tabloid stories claiming the two are an item.  All of which is news to Luke Wilson.  MSNBC says:

A rep for Wilson told Star, "This project is in talks."  What’s more, a source told the tab, "Luke Wilson will never do a movie with Jessica Simpson."

Unsurprisingly, Jessica's dad Joe is once again the mastermind behind this latest total disaster:

"Joe is telling Jessica he's getting big stars.  Joe’s been working on it for months. It’ll end up having a bunch of nobodies if it happens … It’s such a joke. He’s been sending out half-written scripts with personal letters to stars asking them to be in it."

Life has beaten Jess pretty bad lately, and she's been in a few bad relationships, so I'm thinking it may be time to pounce.  Like a tiger on a lonely antelope.  In this case, an antelope with big tits and pretty hair.  This is the best time to make a move on a hot chick who would ordinarily be out of your league.  It's like getting a dog from the pound.  As long as you don't take a swing at her, you'll pretty much be the best thing that's happened to her in 5 years.

JESSICA SIMPSON FORGOT SOMETHING

By brendon October 05, 2006 @ 11:14 AM

When a girl looks like Jessica Simpson and is built like Jessica Simpson, you really have to go out of your way to make her look like hell, as she did last night in New York to promote “Employee of the Month”.  So congratulations to her hairstylist Ken Paves, for once again achieving what many top experts thought was impossible.  That dude could invent a time machine fueled by love if he put his mind to it.  And the time machine also gives blow jobs.  And makes delicious muffins.  There’s really no stopping someone with enough cunning and stick-to-it-ness to make Jessica Simpson look like absolute hell.  

Thank God she's not wearing a bra.  At least it's distracting.



HONESTLY, WHAT IS THIS…

By brendon September 29, 2006 @ 2:30 PM

What the hell is wrong with this girl.  She used to be sexy as hell, but this is like trying to jack off to Blues Clues.   And those baggy tops aren’t fooling anyone, big ass.  She dresses like a god damn sniper.  Like she’s at the airport to gather intel on a human target.  And his last thought will be that Daisy Duke has really put on some weight.

JESSICA SIMPSON is really smart

By brendon September 25, 2006 @ 4:07 AM

Jessica Simpson is planning to invest in a chain of restaurants called "Daisy Duke's", a "Hooters" style barbeque joint where sexy waitresses are clad in revealing tops and the famous tiny denim shorts.  Not surprisingly, the idea was thought up by Jessica’s dad, Joe, who spends a terrifying amount of time thinking about his daughters bodies and how he can profit from them.  The first restaurant will be located inside Caesars Palace Casino in Las Vegas and will open next year, with Jessica set to make at least five appearances a year.  A source says:

"Joe's going to make a lot of money from this."

Fantastic.  Barbeque sauce on my hands and hot chicks who are 99 percent naked.  Why not just put superglue in the sauce too, glue my hand to my penis, just in case red sauce all over the front of my pants didn't draw enough attention to my erection.

JESSICA SIMPSON JUST GOT F’D

By brendon September 21, 2006 @ 4:24 PM

Hot chicks really should wear their hair like this more often.  Like Jessica Simpson last night that the after party for the premier of "Employee of the Month".  It's sexy as hell.  Unlike that drab ass dress.  I'm sure it was free and someone gave it to her, but it’s okay to turn stuff down.  Hitting yourself in the head with a frying pan is free too, that doesn't mean it's a good idea.  Some people think I'm crazy because I'm in love with Jessica Simpson, but tell me this, if I'm so "crazy", why did god put me in charge of punishing the whores.  Seems like a pretty important position to me.

CHICKS LOOK HOT IN BASEBALL CAPS

By brendon September 15, 2006 @ 2:24 AM

Top experts and I agree that chicks look really really cute in baseball caps.  It's a hot look, but for some reason not one they sport too often.  You other girls could learn some things from Jessica Simpson, namely you should have a giant chest and long blond hair and dress sexy and sleep around.  Oh, and also something about baseball caps, but I can't remember what.