JESSICA SIMPSON NEEDS HELP, BRA

By brendon January 24, 2007 @ 9:28 AM

Normally to say I’m disappointed in seeing this much of Jessica Simpson’s boobs would be like a bear saying he’s disappointed that you gave him a pot of honey, but god this girl needs a lift quick.  She said once that she planned on getting plastic surgery if her chest ever started to sag, so I’m assuming that means by this afternoon.  Is her bathroom in outer space or some other zero-gravity environment?  How does she not see this?  Fucking Jessica would be like having a basset hound climb on top of you.  If you’re rich and famous and rich you owe it to me – me personally – to get alarmingly huge implants and only eat cigarettes and black coffee until you're creepy skinny. I’ll write a bitchy piece of shit about you then too, but at least I’ll be masturbating while I do it.

JESSICA SIMPSON CANT SING

By brendon December 05, 2006 @ 10:53 AM

Page Six says that Jessica Simpson had a little trouble at the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday when she tried to sing “Nine to Five“ in front of Dolly Parton, one of the nights honorees.  Simpson reportedly forgot her lines, was barely audible as she stood on stage holding her stomach and then bolted off in tears.  Those in attendance were so perplexed, they didn't even applaud when the song was over.  Page Six says:

She ran off the stage after she had finished her less-than-stellar performance, and was heard muttering, "Dolly, that made me so nervous," and "You fluster me."   (Jessica) was overheard whispering "so nervous" after wrapping up her shaky rendition.   The fiasco was caught on tape, but CBS will likely edit out the embarrassing episode when it airs the show Dec. 26.   "Jessica was overcome with emotion while performing because she's idolized Dolly her whole life. They wanted the song to be perfect," explained Simpson publicist Cindy Berger.

It seems clear by now that maybe singing just isn't Jessica's thing.  In fact I'm not entirely sure what her thing is.  If you could see a close up of her brain, instead of seeing an owl with glasses reading a book, you'd see a donkey asleep in the mud.  And the donkey has a little hat.  And for a while you might think the donkey is dead but then he yawns and stretches.  And then we see a close up of the donkeys brain, and it's that old Steamboat Willie cartoon.   

Remember in "9 to 5" when they thought they killed their boss.  That was crazy!



JESSICA AND JOHN MAYER, TAKE 2

By brendon November 21, 2006 @ 12:09 PM

Us Magazine says that Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are dating again, after a disastrous first try two months ago.   The two met for lunch at Paradise Cove Beach Café in Malibu, last week.  A source said:

"She didn't eat much.  She drank double vodka cranberries. When they got up, Jessica was rubbing his back. You could definitely tell they were on a date.  Mayer left a $40 tip on the $100 bill."

And a source close to Mayer says:

"It's a flirtation. I wouldn't call it full-on dating, but there is a fondness. He doesn't like the attention, but he likes her. He wants to avoid the public scrutiny of last time."

This is why dudes like John Mayer learn to play the guitar and come to Hollywood.  Without a record deal, his hobbies would include renaissance fairs and celibacy, but instead he's getting felt up by a half drunk Jessica Simpson at noon, and that's only because he decided to give her a second chance.  In hindsight, this story should be inspiring to people like you or your friends.  Not for me though.  I'm a big winner.

And now, year-old pictures of Jessica in a see thru shirt (more and bigger here).



JESSICA AND THE COWBOYS QUARTERBACK?

By brendon November 15, 2006 @ 2:38 PM

The always great sports blog With Leather has an update today on the growing rumor that Jessica Simpson is now dating Tony Romo, the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.  Sources say:

"I'm not sure this Simpson-Romo thing has legs, but I can confirm that he hooked up her father, Joe, with tickets to Sunday's game…"  and  "At this time I can only confirm that Romo went to lunch with Jessica's father, Joe, when he was in Los Angeles on Tuesday filming a segment for 'The Best Damn Sports Show Period…' "

This story is a real bee in my bonnet, and I’m sorry to use such language, but I’m pretty upset.  Not just because Jessica is once again givin it out to dorks and big-eared nerds when she could be using that tongue on a natural beauty like me or me, but also because of the commercials that run during daytime television.  Apparently my dead end job is frustrating and I'm going nowhere when I could be a security professional in as little as 12 weeks.  I could make new friends, and the pay is pretty good too!



JESSICA SIMPSON IS LESS AWFUL

By brendon October 12, 2006 @ 11:32 AM

 

The Jessica Simpson video for "I Belong To Me" broke yesterday and she looks fantastic – maybe as good as she ever has – and even the song is less awful than normal for her.  Or maybe my expectations for her songs are just really low.  After "A Public Affair" I stood in a lightning storm cursing god and screaming “Damn you Josiah, WHEN IS IT EVER ENOUGH!!!“

(im not sure if Josiah is a name for God but that’s what came out and I gotta plane to catch, so…)



JESSICA SIMPSON IS MISTAKEN

By brendon October 10, 2006 @ 9:15 AM

Jessica Simpson said last week on the Jimmy Kimmel show that her next project is a movie with Luke Wilson called "Blond Ambition" and says she's already bracing herself for the tabloid stories claiming the two are an item.  All of which is news to Luke Wilson.  MSNBC says:

A rep for Wilson told Star, "This project is in talks."  What’s more, a source told the tab, "Luke Wilson will never do a movie with Jessica Simpson."

Unsurprisingly, Jessica's dad Joe is once again the mastermind behind this latest total disaster:

"Joe is telling Jessica he's getting big stars.  Joe’s been working on it for months. It’ll end up having a bunch of nobodies if it happens … It’s such a joke. He’s been sending out half-written scripts with personal letters to stars asking them to be in it."

Life has beaten Jess pretty bad lately, and she's been in a few bad relationships, so I'm thinking it may be time to pounce.  Like a tiger on a lonely antelope.  In this case, an antelope with big tits and pretty hair.  This is the best time to make a move on a hot chick who would ordinarily be out of your league.  It's like getting a dog from the pound.  As long as you don't take a swing at her, you'll pretty much be the best thing that's happened to her in 5 years.