JESSICA SIMPSON IS DEEP

By brendon February 06, 2007 @ 1:37 PM

Jessica Simpson says she made that decision to divorce husband Nick Lachey after watching the movie "The Notebook" on a plane ride home to Texas.  "The Notebook", apparently, tells the story of, "Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams as star-crossed lovers". Jessica says:

"I just figured out the statement.  It was about that moment of desperation. I needed to breathe."

The world would be so much more fun if I were like Jessica Simpson and thought all TV and movies were speaking directly to me and offering advice.   The real world is filled with stories about Canada refusing trade pacts, where as Jessica's world is filled with dancing peanuts in top hats.  Real world = stem cell controversy.  Jessica's world = big dogs who solve mysteries.  Weeee!!!!

(why is she dressed like this and doing that thing with her mouth?  easy.  she's dumb.  ta-da!)

STUFF FROM ALL OVER

By brendon February 02, 2007 @ 12:08 PM

PATRICK DEMPSEY HAS TWINS – Patrick Dempsey and his wife Jillian Dempsey are the proud new parents of twin baby boys.  The boys were born yesterday in Los Angeles with no complications.  Their names are Sullivan Patrick and Darby Galen.   Aww how precious.  No, not really.  Seriously, what are the odds boys named Sullivan and Darby will be able to throw a football without looking like total queers.  "Eeehhhhh…"  That was my impression of Darby Galen throwing a football.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE IS SINGLE – Johnny Knoxville and his wife Melanie are getting divorced.  They have been married for 11 years and have one daughter, 10 year old Madison.   Back in April of 2005, the hot rumor was that Knoxville had an affair with Jessica Simpson during the filming of "the Dukes of Hazard".  Which is pretty much why dudes like Knoxville come to Hollywood.  He should be back in Tennessee wearin a coon skin cap and working as a security professional, but instead he's punchin obsession worthy kitty based on a career where he gets whacked in the nuts by a midget in a tiny cowboy outfit.

LINDSAY LOHAN IS JOBLESS -  Reps for Lindsay Lohan claim that she has stepped away from a role in "A Woman of No Importance" because her plan is to finish her current project and then focus on her sobriety.  Word around town however, is that the producers fired her because of her increasingly bratty behavior.  Who's telling the truth?  Who is lying?  Could even the council of heaven sort through this one? I don't know, my friends. I simply don't know.

BLIND ITEMS ARE FUN - And finally, the best blind item of the past week, this one from the Daily Mirror UK: "Which American star's new relationship is a complete sham? The buxom babe has agreed – for a fee – to be seen out and about with her latest beau in a bid to quash persistent rumors about his sexuality."  Sounds a lot like Mayer and Simpson, but if Mayer is gay, it's news to me.  Gay guys don't normally dress like they got their clothes off a scarecrow.

(jessica's outfit reminds me of a great line from Colin Quinn: "you look like a last-second gift from the Hong Kong airport gift shop.")



JESSICA SIMPSON NEEDS HELP, BRA

By brendon January 24, 2007 @ 9:28 AM

Normally to say I’m disappointed in seeing this much of Jessica Simpson’s boobs would be like a bear saying he’s disappointed that you gave him a pot of honey, but god this girl needs a lift quick.  She said once that she planned on getting plastic surgery if her chest ever started to sag, so I’m assuming that means by this afternoon.  Is her bathroom in outer space or some other zero-gravity environment?  How does she not see this?  Fucking Jessica would be like having a basset hound climb on top of you.  If you’re rich and famous and rich you owe it to me – me personally – to get alarmingly huge implants and only eat cigarettes and black coffee until you're creepy skinny. I’ll write a bitchy piece of shit about you then too, but at least I’ll be masturbating while I do it.

JESSICA SIMPSON CANT SING

By brendon December 05, 2006 @ 10:53 AM

Page Six says that Jessica Simpson had a little trouble at the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday when she tried to sing “Nine to Five“ in front of Dolly Parton, one of the nights honorees.  Simpson reportedly forgot her lines, was barely audible as she stood on stage holding her stomach and then bolted off in tears.  Those in attendance were so perplexed, they didn't even applaud when the song was over.  Page Six says:

She ran off the stage after she had finished her less-than-stellar performance, and was heard muttering, "Dolly, that made me so nervous," and "You fluster me."   (Jessica) was overheard whispering "so nervous" after wrapping up her shaky rendition.   The fiasco was caught on tape, but CBS will likely edit out the embarrassing episode when it airs the show Dec. 26.   "Jessica was overcome with emotion while performing because she's idolized Dolly her whole life. They wanted the song to be perfect," explained Simpson publicist Cindy Berger.

It seems clear by now that maybe singing just isn't Jessica's thing.  In fact I'm not entirely sure what her thing is.  If you could see a close up of her brain, instead of seeing an owl with glasses reading a book, you'd see a donkey asleep in the mud.  And the donkey has a little hat.  And for a while you might think the donkey is dead but then he yawns and stretches.  And then we see a close up of the donkeys brain, and it's that old Steamboat Willie cartoon.   

Remember in "9 to 5" when they thought they killed their boss.  That was crazy!



JESSICA AND JOHN MAYER, TAKE 2

By brendon November 21, 2006 @ 12:09 PM

Us Magazine says that Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are dating again, after a disastrous first try two months ago.   The two met for lunch at Paradise Cove Beach Café in Malibu, last week.  A source said:

"She didn't eat much.  She drank double vodka cranberries. When they got up, Jessica was rubbing his back. You could definitely tell they were on a date.  Mayer left a $40 tip on the $100 bill."

And a source close to Mayer says:

"It's a flirtation. I wouldn't call it full-on dating, but there is a fondness. He doesn't like the attention, but he likes her. He wants to avoid the public scrutiny of last time."

This is why dudes like John Mayer learn to play the guitar and come to Hollywood.  Without a record deal, his hobbies would include renaissance fairs and celibacy, but instead he's getting felt up by a half drunk Jessica Simpson at noon, and that's only because he decided to give her a second chance.  In hindsight, this story should be inspiring to people like you or your friends.  Not for me though.  I'm a big winner.

And now, year-old pictures of Jessica in a see thru shirt (more and bigger here).



JESSICA AND THE COWBOYS QUARTERBACK?

By brendon November 15, 2006 @ 2:38 PM

The always great sports blog With Leather has an update today on the growing rumor that Jessica Simpson is now dating Tony Romo, the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.  Sources say:

"I'm not sure this Simpson-Romo thing has legs, but I can confirm that he hooked up her father, Joe, with tickets to Sunday's game…"  and  "At this time I can only confirm that Romo went to lunch with Jessica's father, Joe, when he was in Los Angeles on Tuesday filming a segment for 'The Best Damn Sports Show Period…' "

This story is a real bee in my bonnet, and I’m sorry to use such language, but I’m pretty upset.  Not just because Jessica is once again givin it out to dorks and big-eared nerds when she could be using that tongue on a natural beauty like me or me, but also because of the commercials that run during daytime television.  Apparently my dead end job is frustrating and I'm going nowhere when I could be a security professional in as little as 12 weeks.  I could make new friends, and the pay is pretty good too!