By Lex January 08, 2014 @ 3:00 PM
Jessica Simpson is finally living up to her multi-million dollar Weight Watchers endorsement deal. She had signed a fat contract to lose weight on the program a while back but she suffered from the small problem of being fat, then pregnant and fat, then just fat, and just when Weight Watchers was set to run a brand new campaign on January 1, 2013, pregnant and fat again. Bad luck really. At least, everybody felt that way watching her boyfriend truck around town to grab Jessica ten-thousand kilocalories of daily takeout food to stuff down her hungry maw. Now, Jessica is finally slimming down by consuming lots of Weight Watchers fake lasagna meals and showing off her new figure to the public. She went on GMA in a dress she hasn’t worn since she found her dad wearing it back in 2009. She looked great. Even Robin Roberts stopped talking about her lesbian girlfriend for a minute to note Jessica’s dramatic weight loss. Nobody on the show bothered to note that as the weight loss industry in this country has boomed, people have only become fatter and fatter. Maybe that tidbit will be on tomorrow’s show.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Splash
By Travis December 16, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
A lot of people are patting Jessica Simpson on the back for Tweeting this picture from her “date night” last night, because she’s apparently not wearing makeup, and that’s good enough to get a girl the Purple Heart these days. I don’t see what the big deal is, though, because she looks like she’s got a bad case of the meat sweats or she’s choking on a handful of Sour Patch Kids. Either way, her husband was probably thinking that it wouldn’t kill her to go freshen up in the bathroom, before he looked down at the pictures of Jessica from Dukes of Hazzard that he keeps on his phone.
By Travis December 04, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
At one point in this nation’s great history, women didn’t get much hotter than Jessica Simpson, as she shook her ass and squeezed her tits together to make us forget that Dukes of Hazzard was a poisoned queef of a movie. But then she decided that she wanted to do the whole family thing so she quit acting and making music, and along with her career in entertainment went her ridiculous body that even her own father couldn’t help talking about. Jessica was back in action last night, though, as she attended the Footwear News Achievement Awards (that’s a real thing, I swear to God) and even though she looked about as comfortable as Obama at an NRA rally, you’ve got to give Jessica credit for trying to recapture her long lost glory.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Lex April 08, 2013 @ 5:15 PM
Jessica Simpson got pregnant six hours after she gave birth to her first illegitimate kid as a backup plan to having to go on a diet. Weight Watchers is hard. Fucking is easy. Jessica is well getting back up to gestational playing weight. She’ll never be Daisy Duke again. But isn’t the miracle of child-birth worth the loss of hot bodied woman? I don’t think so either.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, PCN
By brendon February 20, 2013 @ 12:42 PM
Ace! The kids name will be Ace Johnson!
An unlike her daughter Maxwell, who just sounds like a boy, Ace Johnson will actually be a boy, assuming that last months rumor was true.
“[She's] told people she’s going to name the baby Ace!” the source told Us.com. Simpson, 32, is already mom to 10-month-old daughter Maxwell. The singer hasn’t yet revealed how she and Johnson, 33, decided upon the name, however.
How they decided on the name is by asking, “what’s fucking awesome?” It’s a nick-name actual men call each other that they’re making a real name! That’s bad ass! It would be like if a black couple named their kid My Nigga. If they have another son his name should be Tough Guy.
(image source = fame/flynet)
By brendon January 15, 2013 @ 6:55 PM
JESSICA SIMPSON – is in talks with NBC for a sitcom that “would feature Simpson playing a version of herself in a Curb Your Enthusiasm-style look at her life”. And it can’t possibly fail because improv is the perfect vehicle for this quick-witted legend of comedy. (tv guide)
RUSSELL CROWE – might be dating “burlesque goddess” Dita Von Teese, who has somehow totally escaped her past as a “spread-eagle girl having sex with a popsicle goddess”. For the record, it might not be the best idea in the world for a guy with his temper to date a girl who is super super pale.(page six)
BEN AFFLECK – will have a tough time winning the Oscar for Best Picture even though his movie ‘Argo’ just won the Golden Globe for Best Picture. His best bet is for lots of old voters to think they’re voting for ‘Fargo’. (huff post)
TAYLOR SWIFT – has a crush on Bradley Cooper, so she had Jennifer Lawrence ask Bradley if he wanted to go out with her. The response: “Bradley has absolutely no intention of getting together with Taylor.” So then Taylor asked, “What does he mean ‘no intention‘? So he really wants to date me but thinks you can’t plan love? Oh my gaad, why do guys always have to play these games, why can’t they just be honest!” (radar)
MICHELLE KEEGAN – is an English actress in the new issue of Zoo, and she’s in a bikini but who cares about that? What I wanna know is if her eyes are the same size, and what insect does her eyebrow look like? This magazine is really out of touch.