Jessica Simpson says her boobs are too big to run

By brendon September 05, 2012 @ 2:22 PM

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Jessica Simpsons’ Weight Watchers ads begin next week, and she told USA Today why she thinks she gained so much weight during her pregnancy. The answer may surprise you. But won’t. Basically she’s dumb and she ate a lot.

“I let myself indulge in everything I wanted because it was the first time I was ever pregnant, and I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to be happy and eat what I wanted.”
“I didn’t realize it (the weight) didn’t all come off with the baby.”

Woah, slow down Jess, and dumb it down a little for those of us who aren’t doctors. You gain weight when you eat lots of fattening food? I heard that’s just an urban legend. But at least she’s on the right track now, with lots of intense cardio.

“My boobs are way too big to run at this point. I’m just walking.”

Oh ok never mind. She gave birth on May 1st, and 4 months later she can walk under the supervision of a personal trainer. She’s the perfect person to give diet and exercise tips. If Weight Watchers wanted someone cute to waddle around they could have just hired a penguin.

Jessica Simpsons diet goal: 1 pound a week

By brendon July 19, 2012 @ 2:23 PM

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Just before she gave birth back in May, Jessica Simpson signed a deal with Weight Watchers that will pay her between 3 and 4 million dollars if she can go from a reported 210 pounds back down to 130.

That’s 80 pounds. It’s gonna take discipline and a lot of murderous workouts to lose 80 pounds. Unfortunately for Weight Watchers, Jessicas workouts are more like moo-derous. As in she’s a fucking cow who’s just gonna sit there. Radar says…

“She’s not trying to drop 10 pounds a week or anything crazy like that. She wants to do it at her own pace and make sure she’s healthy.”
Jessica hits the gym frequently with celebrity trainer Harley Paternak, and she’s a dedicated student.
“Her goal right now is to lose one pound a week and Harley’s training program is keeping her on that schedule,” the friend said.

Most women seem to lose about half of what they gained in a few weeks simply by not being pregnant anymore, but Jessicas pace is much more relaxed. At one pound a week, it will be January 30, 2014 until she loses all 80 pounds. Weight Watchers’ best bet now would be to send her something with salmonella and then pray she gets pancreatitis.

Jessica Simpsons diet is going pretty well

By brendon July 03, 2012 @ 12:56 PM

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The Daily Mail says Jessica Simpson went to the gym yesterday as part of her $4 million deal with Weight Watchers to get back down to 130 pounds. Maybe next week they can try having her get in and out of the car twice.

Jessica Simpsons kid is really ugly

By brendon June 26, 2012 @ 7:15 PM

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I rarely talk about the children of celebrities because they didn’t choose to be public figures, but babies are different because fuck them. I hate babies, and it’s not as if their friends are gonna tease them for this because they don’t have any so who gives a shit. With that in mind, Jessica Simpson tweeted a picture of her 2-month-old daughter Maxwell today and holy shit that thing is ugly.

For one it’s mouth is upside down, but even worse is it’s black eyes and that mark on it’s forehead. It’s the kind of baby that is foretold in prophecy, and not in a good way.

Jessica Simpson is easily satisfied

By brendon June 25, 2012 @ 2:10 PM

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Jessica Simpson posted this picture on twitter this weekend, with the caption…

“Just taking a walk around the block… Street legal???”

Our shitty, invasive government will no doubt start jailing people for it soon enough but for now it is still legal to walk around the block, so I’m not entirely sure what she’s asking. I suppose she’s bragging about the size of her tits, but they’re only this big because she just had a kid and weighs 300 pounds. I don’t appreciate all these quantifiers and subtext when I’m trying to leer at women on the internet.

Jessica Simpson signed her $4 million deal with Weight Watchers

By brendon May 09, 2012 @ 5:24 PM

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Jessica Simpson is on the cover of the new Us magazine, and they confirm that she has signed a deal with Weight Watchers which will pay between $3 and 4 million if she can lose the estimated 65 pounds that she gained while pregnant

“She’ll have to meet the weight-loss goals for the deal to go through. She hasn’t cho­sen a trainer yet,” says the source. “In fact, she hasn’t even thought about working out for a year. But if she wants this, she’ll need to work out a good five days a week.”

“Oh, great, thanks a lot Source,” Weight Watchers said when they read this. “Thanks for squealing about the personal trainer and daily workouts we won’t mention in Jessicas commercials. I know it’s you Jenny Craig, you back-stabbing bitch. I swear to God you’re gonna pay for this.”