I rarely talk about the children of celebrities because they didn’t choose to be public figures, but babies are different because fuck them. I hate babies, and it’s not as if their friends are gonna tease them for this because they don’t have any so who gives a shit. With that in mind, Jessica Simpson tweeted a picture of her 2-month-old daughter Maxwell today and holy shit that thing is ugly.
For one it’s mouth is upside down, but even worse is it’s black eyes and that mark on it’s forehead. It’s the kind of baby that is foretold in prophecy, and not in a good way.
Jessica Simpson posted this picture on twitter this weekend, with the caption…
“Just taking a walk around the block… Street legal???”
Our shitty, invasive government will no doubt start jailing people for it soon enough but for now it is still legal to walk around the block, so I’m not entirely sure what she’s asking. I suppose she’s bragging about the size of her tits, but they’re only this big because she just had a kid and weighs 300 pounds. I don’t appreciate all these quantifiers and subtext when I’m trying to leer at women on the internet.
Jessica Simpson is on the cover of the new Us magazine, and they confirm that she has signed a deal with Weight Watchers which will pay between $3 and 4 million if she can lose the estimated 65 pounds that she gained while pregnant
“She’ll have to meet the weight-loss goals for the deal to go through. She hasn’t chosen a trainer yet,” says the source. “In fact, she hasn’t even thought about working out for a year. But if she wants this, she’ll need to work out a good five days a week.”
“Oh, great, thanks a lot Source,” Weight Watchers said when they read this. “Thanks for squealing about the personal trainer and daily workouts we won’t mention in Jessicas commercials. I know it’s you Jenny Craig, you back-stabbing bitch. I swear to God you’re gonna pay for this.”
Jessica Simpson has confirmed that she gave birth to a hulking baby girl this morning, weighing 9 pounds 13 ounces and measuring 21.75 inches. And if that doesn’t sound androgynous enough already, they named her Maxwell Drew.
And I’m not making fun of her, by the way. If I was having a daughter and there was a 90 percent chance of her having long blond hair and huge tits when she was 16, I’d pray she was a giantess and give her a boys name too, anything to make teen boys think she might be a hermaphrodite. This little girl is lucky her name isn’t Tommy Bigdick.
(image source = fame/flynet)
By brendon March 26, 2012 @ 2:59 PM
The good news is Jessica Simpson got caught in the rain while wearing a sheer little dress. The bad news is it isn’t 2004. She’s officially the largest thing to move since Pangaea.
(image source = pacific coast)
By brendon March 20, 2012 @ 1:59 PM
Though she’s already 15 months pregnant, Jessica Simpson still has another 4 weeks until she’s due to give birth, and so that was the main topic when she appeared on Jimmy Kimmel last night (video here). They talked about her baby shower (did she serve fried Oreos? Of course she did.) and her upcoming wedding, but more importantly where bowling balls are in relation to her vagina.
“I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha! Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”
Oh good. Thank you. I hadn’t pictured Jessicas tidal wave of amniotic fluid until now. Still, no one likes a bragger, Jess, you may want to keep this embarrassment of riches to yourself.
(image source of Jessicas fiancée letting the mother of his child get rained on while he protects his precious cap = inf)
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