Jessica Simpson tried to get lap-band surgery

By brendon September 28, 2012 @ 9:44 PM


Losing weight is hard and takes discipline, and Jessica Simpson is lazy and spoiled, so naturally she got tired of dieting to lose weight after giving birth almost immediately and asked doctors to give her a gastric by-pass. Twice.

Radar says…

“After having her daughter Maxwell, Jessica felt there was no way she could ever lose the weight on her own because she has struggled so much in the past and her post partum weight seemed to be growing, so like a true Hollywood girl, she sought out a quick surgical fix – lap band surgery!”

But they turned her down of course because at that point she had made more trips to the doctor than the gym. She’s hungry, not morbidly obese. (*)

(*) but still fat enough to put up pictures of lucy pinder in lingerie instead of jessica.

Jessica Simpson is back in daisy dukes

By brendon September 21, 2012 @ 6:43 PM


Jessica Simpson stretched out a pair of her old daisy dukes today to go to lunch at Shutters in Santa Monica, and I’m not sure how this is possible, but she looked pretty good. She still looked enormous just 10 days ago at LAX, but now she looks ok. Hopefully her friend won’t let her forget she’s on a diet. Or where she lives, since parts of Santa Monica can get a little dicey at night.

(image source = wenn, splash)

Jessica Simpson should talk to Alessanda Ambrosio

By brendon September 18, 2012 @ 1:53 PM


Jessica Simpson gave birth four months ago on May 1st, and Alessandra Ambrosio gave birth on May 7th, and Jessica and Alessandra are both from Earth, and that’s where the similarities end. Because Jessica looks like she would break her leg if she tried to run, while Alessandra looks like I would break her leg if she tried to run away.

(image source = pacific coast)

its Jessica Simpsons Weight Watchers commercial

By brendon September 10, 2012 @ 6:44 PM

Jessica Simpsons Weight Watchers commercial premiered today, and I can’t tell if it’s for a diet or a whitening toothpaste. Because her teeth look terrific, but she’s big as a house and you can tell even though they only show her from the neck up. YOU’RE NOT FOOLIN ME, BIG ASS! They should just create a toothpaste named White Watchers and pretend this was for that.

(image source of jessica in new york today = fame/flynet)

Jessica Simpson says her boobs are too big to run

By brendon September 05, 2012 @ 2:22 PM


Jessica Simpsons’ Weight Watchers ads begin next week, and she told USA Today why she thinks she gained so much weight during her pregnancy. The answer may surprise you. But won’t. Basically she’s dumb and she ate a lot.

“I let myself indulge in everything I wanted because it was the first time I was ever pregnant, and I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to be happy and eat what I wanted.”
“I didn’t realize it (the weight) didn’t all come off with the baby.”

Woah, slow down Jess, and dumb it down a little for those of us who aren’t doctors. You gain weight when you eat lots of fattening food? I heard that’s just an urban legend. But at least she’s on the right track now, with lots of intense cardio.

“My boobs are way too big to run at this point. I’m just walking.”

Oh ok never mind. She gave birth on May 1st, and 4 months later she can walk under the supervision of a personal trainer. She’s the perfect person to give diet and exercise tips. If Weight Watchers wanted someone cute to waddle around they could have just hired a penguin.

Jessica Simpsons diet goal: 1 pound a week

By brendon July 19, 2012 @ 2:23 PM


Just before she gave birth back in May, Jessica Simpson signed a deal with Weight Watchers that will pay her between 3 and 4 million dollars if she can go from a reported 210 pounds back down to 130.

That’s 80 pounds. It’s gonna take discipline and a lot of murderous workouts to lose 80 pounds. Unfortunately for Weight Watchers, Jessicas workouts are more like moo-derous. As in she’s a fucking cow who’s just gonna sit there. Radar says…

“She’s not trying to drop 10 pounds a week or anything crazy like that. She wants to do it at her own pace and make sure she’s healthy.”
Jessica hits the gym frequently with celebrity trainer Harley Paternak, and she’s a dedicated student.
“Her goal right now is to lose one pound a week and Harley’s training program is keeping her on that schedule,” the friend said.

Most women seem to lose about half of what they gained in a few weeks simply by not being pregnant anymore, but Jessicas pace is much more relaxed. At one pound a week, it will be January 30, 2014 until she loses all 80 pounds. Weight Watchers’ best bet now would be to send her something with salmonella and then pray she gets pancreatitis.