Jessica Simpson gave birth to a giant baby girl

By brendon May 01, 2012 @ 4:40 PM

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Jessica Simpson has confirmed that she gave birth to a hulking baby girl this morning, weighing 9 pounds 13 ounces and measuring 21.75 inches. And if that doesn’t sound androgynous enough already, they named her Maxwell Drew.

And I’m not making fun of her, by the way. If I was having a daughter and there was a 90 percent chance of her having long blond hair and huge tits when she was 16, I’d pray she was a giantess and give her a boys name too, anything to make teen boys think she might be a hermaphrodite. This little girl is lucky her name isn’t Tommy Bigdick.

(image source = fame/flynet)

Jessica Simpson is wet, super super pregnant

By brendon March 26, 2012 @ 2:59 PM

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The good news is Jessica Simpson got caught in the rain while wearing a sheer little dress. The bad news is it isn’t 2004. She’s officially the largest thing to move since Pangaea.

(image source = pacific coast)

Jessica Simpson is candid

By brendon March 20, 2012 @ 1:59 PM

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Though she’s already 15 months pregnant, Jessica Simpson still has another 4 weeks until she’s due to give birth, and so that was the main topic when she appeared on Jimmy Kimmel last night (video here). They talked about her baby shower (did she serve fried Oreos? Of course she did.) and her upcoming wedding, but more importantly where bowling balls are in relation to her vagina.

“I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha! Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”

Oh good. Thank you. I hadn’t pictured Jessicas tidal wave of amniotic fluid until now. Still, no one likes a bragger, Jess, you may want to keep this embarrassment of riches to yourself.

(image source of Jessicas fiancée letting the mother of his child get rained on while he protects his precious cap = inf)

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Jessica Simpson Says She Weighs 170 Pounds

By author March 14, 2012 @ 11:30 AM

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Oh, and I forgot to mention that she can’t get enough dick right now either. Us Weekly has the disgusting quote. Ready to revisit breakfast?

I am definitely ‘feeling intimate,”” said the sassy Texan said — and how! “I’m kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever!” Former NFL pro Johnson, 32, is definitely game, she added. “He’s always ready.

Great, so now we not only know that she loves sex and her fiance is constantly erect but she’s also terrible at lying math. In fairness to Jessica, those scales at the weigh station are constantly being damaged by the huge truck tires, so a recalibration is probably needed.

That’s not even the best part of the story. Ready for this?

I try to be like 110 pounds.

Yes, and I try to be a millionaire every time I buy a scratch-off ticket. Some things just aren’t meant to be. If I could make a suggestion, Jess? Just take your tray from the buffet when you’re done making your choices and toss it on the scale. You’ll get way closer.

(Image Source = Fame/Flynet)

Jessica Simpson is very naked and very pregnant in Elle

By brendon March 07, 2012 @ 2:47 PM

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It was kinda clever and shocking when Demi Moore posed naked while pregnant for Vanity Fair in 1991, but it’s been done over and over ever since then, and now it’s just obvious and weird. And also kinda gross. Especially since Jessica Simpson is apparently giving birth to a fully formed defensive tackle. Even the camera turned gay after this shoot.

Jessica Simpson is having a girl. Probably.

By brendon February 22, 2012 @ 4:11 PM

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Jessica Simpson is due to have her baby sometime around April, so this weekend she went to Bel Bambini in LA, which sells extra fancy blankets and such for posh babies and their easily duped parents. And according to People, she was buying stuff for a baby girl.

Among the selection made by Simpson: pink baby clothes, a Moses basket, and, “other adorable baby items.”
“She seems beyond happy about becoming a mom,” the observer said. “She says she can’t wait to meet the baby.”

The Moses basket is a good idea because it has a hood to protect the baby from the sun. A better idea would be a bewitched basket with an impenetrable force field around it to protect it from Joe Simpson before he can ruin her career.

(image source = fame/flynet)