By brendon March 20, 2012 @ 1:59 PM
Though she’s already 15 months pregnant, Jessica Simpson still has another 4 weeks until she’s due to give birth, and so that was the main topic when she appeared on Jimmy Kimmel last night (video here). They talked about her baby shower (did she serve fried Oreos? Of course she did.) and her upcoming wedding, but more importantly where bowling balls are in relation to her vagina.
“I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha! Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”
Oh good. Thank you. I hadn’t pictured Jessicas tidal wave of amniotic fluid until now. Still, no one likes a bragger, Jess, you may want to keep this embarrassment of riches to yourself.
(image source of Jessicas fiancée letting the mother of his child get rained on while he protects his precious cap = inf)
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By author March 14, 2012 @ 11:30 AM
Oh, and I forgot to mention that she can’t get enough dick right now either. Us Weekly has the disgusting quote. Ready to revisit breakfast?
I am definitely ‘feeling intimate,”” said the sassy Texan said — and how! “I’m kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever!” Former NFL pro Johnson, 32, is definitely game, she added. “He’s always ready.
Great, so now we not only know that she loves sex and her fiance is constantly erect but she’s also terrible at lying math. In fairness to Jessica, those scales at the weigh station are constantly being damaged by the huge truck tires, so a recalibration is probably needed.
That’s not even the best part of the story. Ready for this?
I try to be like 110 pounds.
Yes, and I try to be a millionaire every time I buy a scratch-off ticket. Some things just aren’t meant to be. If I could make a suggestion, Jess? Just take your tray from the buffet when you’re done making your choices and toss it on the scale. You’ll get way closer.
(Image Source = Fame/Flynet)
By brendon March 07, 2012 @ 2:47 PM
It was kinda clever and shocking when Demi Moore posed naked while pregnant for Vanity Fair in 1991, but it’s been done over and over ever since then, and now it’s just obvious and weird. And also kinda gross. Especially since Jessica Simpson is apparently giving birth to a fully formed defensive tackle. Even the camera turned gay after this shoot.
By brendon February 22, 2012 @ 4:11 PM
Jessica Simpson is due to have her baby sometime around April, so this weekend she went to Bel Bambini in LA, which sells extra fancy blankets and such for posh babies and their easily duped parents. And according to People, she was buying stuff for a baby girl.
Among the selection made by Simpson: pink baby clothes, a Moses basket, and, “other adorable baby items.”
“She seems beyond happy about becoming a mom,” the observer said. “She says she can’t wait to meet the baby.”
The Moses basket is a good idea because it has a hood to protect the baby from the sun. A better idea would be a bewitched basket with an impenetrable force field around it to protect it from Joe Simpson before he can ruin her career.
(image source = fame/flynet)
By brendon February 16, 2012 @ 7:15 PM
Jessica Simpson will be going on ‘the Biggest Loser’ next season, and the story should end right there, because she weighs 800 pounds now, but it doesn’t. I’m pretty sure this was just an intervention that didn’t work.
Simpson will drop by the NBC show on March 13 to reward a Biggest Loser challenge winner with a visit to her personal showroom. According to NBC, the winner will also be allowed to bring a fellow contestant to pick out anything from Simpson’s clothing, handbag and skincare lines.
Unfortunately Jessicas “personal showroom” also has a “personal food court”, with a “personal Cinnabon” and “personal Chik-Fil-A”, so this will probably be the last challenge that person wins.
By brendon January 05, 2012 @ 4:17 PM
Jessica Alba looked terrific over the holidays when she hit the beach in a bikini. Not only did she get her hot body back after having a baby, but she made it look easy. But it’s not, and it sure as hell isn’t easy enough for Jessica Simpson to do it, despite what she was thinking when she went on twitter and wrote:
“New goal: look like @jessicaalba after baby. Job well done lady!”
To which Alba somehow avoided sarcasm to reply:
“OMG! Ur so sweet! Thx hon!”
As a reminder, this was Jessica Alba on July 24th, 22 days before she gave birth.
This is Jessica Simpson on December 18th. And December 23rd. She’s at least twice the size of Alba, and she’s not due for another 3 months. The only thing Jessica Simpson resembled in those Jessica Alba pictures was the sun.