Jessica Simpson, her fiance Eric Johnson, her sister Ashlee and Ashlees son Bronx, sat down for a photo shoot on Saturday in Beverly Hills, where it must have been really hot below three feet and really chilly above that. Later, rain clouds formed around Jessicas waist when the two fronts collided.
(image source = flynet)
By brendon April 27, 2011 @ 10:51 AM
Last night at Eden in LA, Us magazine held their annual Hot Hollywood party, an event dedicated to giving really attractive people some special attention. I know, right! Finally! For far too long Hollywood has based success solely on merit.
The big star of the night was Jessica Simpson, who I guess is dieting for her wedding because she looked really good, better than she has in a long time. More sexy, less tubby lump. I’m sure next week she’ll wear something that’s not as flattering and I’ll write some bitchy piece of shit about her then too, but at least for now I have a hard on while thinking about it.
(image source = splash news and bauer griffin and wenn)
By brendon April 15, 2011 @ 2:27 PM
Jessica Simpson is engaged but hasn’t chosen a time or place to get married yet, because according to her the number 1 priority is to find a wedding dress that will “flatter her physique”. Unfortunately she’s working with designers and not magical wizards, so it’s a long process. People says…
Simpson gravitates toward v-neck or scoop necks, which flatter her physique and help her avoid looking “top heavy.”
Besides, “I like my collar bone,” adds Simpson, 30. “I have a long neck, so I like to show off my décolletage.”
“I have a long neck”? Oh shut up, you do not. You’re just trying to hide how much weight you’ve put on. And since you’re so determined to never work out again, you’re best option is to go buy that invisibility cloak and make a dress out of that.
By brendon April 14, 2011 @ 12:54 PM
For now let’s just ignore how dumb it is for People to have Jessica Simpson on the 2011 Most Beautiful list, I’m sure I’m go in to great detail about that later, for now let’s deal with the other dumb part of her profile, and that is her claim that her tits get her out of parking tickets.
Being well-endowed since sixth grade, the blonde bombshell points out that “there’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”
“And you should see me at Dunkin when they have the cocoa jelly donuts! I let that kid just straight up titty fuck me!”
(image source = flynet)
By brendon March 29, 2011 @ 12:30 PM
Though the real reason is probably so she won’t have to share the cake, Jessica Simpson says that after the media frenzy around her first marriage, she may elope this time with her fame whore boyfriend Eric Johnson. She tells Us magazine…
“No date has been set. We’ve both been married before. We’re enjoying our commitment to each other. We want to take our time.”
“I will be part of designing my own wedding gown. We might elope if it gets to that point.”
I have no idea why she would follow a sentence about designing her dress with one about eloping but whatever. Maybe designing is just always on her mind. I heard she even designed extra big forks and spoons because the regular sized ones took too many trips to get all the food from the plate to her mouth and she would get winded. “What am I, at the gym”, she would say.
By brendon January 25, 2011 @ 12:25 PM
Luckily, Jessica Simpsons fame whore fiance Eric Johnson played in the NFL, so he’s really strong and can pick her up when she gets drunk and collapses in a heap. Like she did last night at Katsuya (sushi restaurant) in Hollywood. At least I assume she collapsed in a heap. Because she’s doubled in size over the past year except for her legs which are still thin. I honestly have no idea how they’re holding her up. If she gains another 5 pounds she should probably move to the moon.
(image source = pacific coast)